Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Day 87 - Vote for Pedro. Or Not

November 3rd, 2009

You should know that I do a pretty impressive Elizabeth Dole impersonation….which is great because people request that one all the time at keggers. Interesting note, she sounds remarkably like Cartman’s mother on South Park. I generally don’t flesh out political humor because I prefer to keep my Jaxisms timely. In an ideal world, what I write and perform today will hold true ten years from now. I’m going to break that rule today because as I write…the most diligent and patriotic of citizens are heading to the polls on this Election Day to cast their votes for mayor, public advocate, comptroller and other local positions. The anticipation is(not) killing me. Sure, I’ll vote because it’s always fun to revisit an elementary school gymnasium. But truth be told, I miss the glamour and high stakes of the 2008 presidential election.

Ohhhhhh….Bama. America finds the rise of a star endearing but It can’t even compare to the thrill of the possibility of their over sensationalized crash and burn. Who am I thinking of? Who is that remarkable class act of a talent? Oh yeah, Britney Spears. In less than a year, haters with too much time on their hands have criticized Obama for being the unjustifiable recipient of the Nobel Prize, calling Kanye a jackass and being a murderer..of flies. I still have faith in the guy and know that I will celebrate his success by singing “Ebony and Ivory” with him at karaoke. I firmly hang on to the image of him at the inauguration when he sauntered in as smooth as the Fonz after 8 hours of Bikram yoga, several bong hits and half a bottle of Quaaludes.

There was so much America saw during that unprecedented 2008 campaign. But there were a few things that transpired that you might not be cognizant of. Well, lucky for you..I know…things. I shall share:

1. My home state, North Carolina, finally leaned left and turned into a blue state. Did you know that NC had intimate relations with the proud red state of South Carolina and made a purple baby state?

2. Do you remember an emotional Oprah leaning on a random heavy set white guy at the inauguration? Well, I spoke to the people on both sides of that guy and they feel incredibly snubbed. Can you imagine being SO close to being touched by The Oprah?

3. Speaking of Oprah and breeding, I’ve received word that Oprah might be knocked up with Obama’s baby. Names they’re leaning towards: Black Jesus. Bono.

4. I had a slumber party with Cindy McCain. During our pillow fight ,she said, “Jax , it was so challenging to have another crazy eyed beauty queen win the heart of my man and the nation.”

5. I saw Joe Biden’s pre-use of Crest Whitening Strips. It wasn’t pretty.

6. Polls were passing out buttons to give to hipster voters that said, “I didn’t rock the vote. The vote rocked me…and now we’re sharing a cigarette. It’s menthol.”

7. A lot of elderly Jews in West Palm Beach were overheard saying, “I really think Dukakis might pull it off this year. Fingers crossed.”

8. Joe Sixpack fell into a deep debilitating depression after Joe the Plumber was declared the new “It Joe”.

9. We all loved our Sarah Palin Action Figure Doll! Only 30cm…but packed with extreme right-wing Republican fun. Well, marketing execs were pushing for GOP Finger Puppets . Never took off. Too bad..they were precious.

10. Levy Johnston, the guy who knocked up Sara Palin’s daughter in the back of a pickup truck….gay as a French horn.

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