November 23rd, 2009
Last night was the Facebook wedding of the year. The formal union of Pam and Dan. No one will update Facebook statuses more than these two. In fact, the guests would not have been surprised to observe them do some updating while the Rabbi was doing his thang: “Pam and Dan ARE getting married. The Rabbi is singing or moaning. In Hebrew. I don’t have time to listen. Statuses don’t update themselves.” Surly I jest..kind of... but the wedding was exceptional because these two people belong together.
I did have a few mishaps prior and during the event. I stubbed my toe(badly) in my open toed high heels(dare I say, they really do a hot little number for the legs and ass) and was trying to trouble shoot the bloody issue on the subway. Luckily the blood matched my toe polish, I was wearing a black dress and a “tough looking thug” on the subway sensed my distress and gave me a paper towel to manage the problem. Although I’m certain the cloth was germ ridden..it was germ ridden with love. I appreciated the sentiment.
Dan, the groom, is a phenomenal artist. I was under the impression and telling everyone within earshot that he made the chuppah. For you non Jews, that’s the canopy traditionally used in Jewish weddings that consists of a cloth stretched or supported over four poles. It symbolizes the home the couple will build together. Well, it seems as if I was only a rumor spreader because it came to my attention that Dan did not make the chuppah. But he could have. So there. At least I didn’t spread unjustified gossip like Dan was doing it with a bridesmaid in the coat room 15 minutes before the wedding. I know he did not for two reasons. Dan is deeply in love with Pam. Also, there were no bridesmaids.
There really is little certainty in life. Yet there is an exception to this rule when it comes to Jewish weddings. The following holds true at every ceremony celebrating the marriage of a couple of chosen people.
-There will always be very audible(loud) whispers during the bride’s entrance. There is a collective harmonious gush making note of the bride's hotness. In last night’s case, Pam was stunning. But let’s face it, Jews in bulk have the same reaction even if the bride is challenged in the looks department.
-Lamb chops circulating during the cocktail hour are always a HOT commodity. I’ve seen a best man, a grandma and a wedding crasher leap over buffet tables and ice sculptures to claim these things. The glimmer in one’s carnivorous eye once they’re gnawing on the meat oozes pure bliss. On the flip side, the person who just missed the last lamb chop on the tray of happiness..just looks so sad. Defeated.
-There is something very primitive about how all men rush to be chair lifters when the band hints that the hora is about to begin. Testosterone is in full swing as well toned guys appropriately take their positions. I am man. I like to lift people in formal wear up in chairs. However, there are always the guys eager to participate who were undoubtedly the last ones to be picked for dodge ball. In middle school. And last week.
-It’s best to sneak out of these weddings otherwise you’ll be trapped in the Jewish Goodbye. One Jew telling another Jew of their departure results in linguistic overload. You’ll still be there as the band is wrapping up two hours later.
-There will always be family members from Long Island. Even if the wedding is in Bangladesh.
--One person will always be the MacGyver of wedding guests. They’ll be prepared with extra cash, pens, a flashlight and a first aid kit. In the case of my circle of friends, Lauren was my go to when I arrived with my bloody toe. She immediately reached in her purse and gave me a Hello Kitty band aid.
Jews. We do love Israel, family values and preventing toe catastrophes. Rest assured, we are not a perfect people. We are not skilled in anything handy and don’t ask us to help you move. We’re just not wired for that shit.