Day 106 - Stalk Talk

November 22nd, 2009

I officially have a neighborhood stalker. And it’s a woman. Several months ago I was sitting outside my local coffee shop and this woman sat next to me on the bench. Since I can talk to anyone and anything(I’ve had enlightening discussions with garden gnomes, Snapple bottles and exposed brick walls) I let her engage me in light neighborhood-cenric conversation. Seemed harmless. Well this thorough lady keeps showing up outside my apartment, aisles in bodegas and in a concerned pit in my stomach. It’s surpassed coincidence and mild annoyance. Then again, part of me feels it’s harmless. When is it safe to assume that a line is being crossed? On an exponentially vain level, I have to admit that if I did lean towards the female persuasion…she is totally not my type.

Looking back, I did take note of her (hairy)enlarged mole over her lip. That seems like such a signature stalker character trait.

Perhaps being stalked is the highest form of flattery. However, one can’t dismiss that it is concerning when a sick unhealthy person has an insane obsession with you. Maybe I’m hypersentive to this scenario because this is not my first follower. A few years ago, a guy who looked like Mr. Clean went through my old job, got my number and would call 20 times a day and hang up. Total stalker fopa in the world of caller ID. He stopped by my apartment building a few times and luckily my doormen(Marty, Nick and Moose) had my back. They were ex-Mafiosa who were bred with that protective gene. From wackers to doormen…life takes interesting turns.

The formal definition of stalker is: To follow or observe (a person) persistently, especially out of obsession or derangement.

For further clarification, I visited Urban Dictionary to see the word in use: Here’s what they gave me.

-A hot guy who gives you flowers is a romantic.

-An ugly guy who gives you flowers is a stalker.

As a writer, I do feel a bit obliged to be objective with today’s topic of stalk. It's unfair not to hear the defenses of some of these individuals with unhealthy obsessions. Unfortunately there wasn’t anything that came up in my Google search under “Stalkers are Just Misunderstood”. I did recall an old “Saturday Night Life” sketch entitled “Stalk Talk”. This piece falls under my “damn I wish I wrote that" umbrella. My only other option is to pay it forward. Enjoy.


Stalk Talk

Allison McGrath.....Julia Sweeney
Brian.....Christopher Walken
Danny.....Rob Schneider
Marty.....Adam Sandler
Ellen.....Jan Hooks


[ Music Open: "Every Breath You Take", The Police ]

Allison McGrath: Hi, and welcome to "Stalk Talk". I'm your host, Allison McGrath, and as usual we are joined by four stalkers, men and women who seem to have a difficult time letting go of their ex-lovers and consequently follow them around and scare them very much. Let's say hello to our guests. Our first stalker is Brian, who broke up with his girlfriend..

Brian: 5 months, 3 weeks and 3 days ago.

Allison McGrath: Oh. And what's the girl's name?

Brian: "Bitch."

Allison McGrath: Okay. Let's move to our second stalker, Marty.

Marty: Hello. I'm Marty.

Allison McGrath: Hi, Marty. Now, your stalk victim broke up with you in the fifth grade.

Marty: She didn't break up with me! We decided to see other people.

Allison McGrath: And, yet, you're still upset with her, aren't you, Marty?

Marty: [ laughing nervously ] Oh, no, I wouldn't.. Yes.

Allison McGrath: Um.. fine. Danny, you're a stalker, too?

Danny: Uh, yes. I've been stalking a certain someone for the past four-and-a-half years, non-stop around the clock.

Allison McGrath: Well.. [ laughing ] ..you're here now, so I guess you're not stalking her all the time!

Danny: Uh, no. I have a friend stalking her for me right now.

Allison McGrath: Great. That brings us to our final stalker. A female stalker. Say hello to Ellen.

Ellen: Hi. Can I just take a minute to talk to David Hasseloff for just a second? [ to the camera ] David, you can marry as many girls as you want, but I will always be true to you, my love. Damn you to Hell!

Allison McGrath: Okay. Now, uh.. Brian. Uh.. how did your relationship end?

Brian: With "Bitch"?

Allison McGrath: Uh.. yeah..

Brian: Say it!

Allison McGrath: Uh.. okay.. How did your relationship end with "Bitch"?

Brian: It was hard. Like any relationship, there were good days.. ups and downs.. good days, bad days.. She started to answer the phone again, I really thought we had a good chance to put things back together. Until that tennis instructor used his magic powers to get "Bitch" to fall in love with him.

Allison McGrath: Magic powers?

Brian: Spells, withcraft, what not. You see, in real life.. she loves me, but she's under the influence of this agent of the Devil.

Allison McGrath: Um.. alright.. Marty, why do you think your girl broke up with you?

Marty: Broke up with me, what? Did she tell you that?

Allison McGrath: Um.. no.

Marty: We're not broken up.. I mean, we're just taking a little time to sort things out.. [ laughs nervously ]

Allison McGrath: Well, seventeen years to sort things out?

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Brian: Do you suspect any involvement by the forces of evil?

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Allison McGrath: Uh.. Ellen, as you said before, you're in love with David Hasselhoff, of TV's "Knight Rider"..

Ellen: Yes, I love him. He's on "Baywatch" now, okay?

Marty: He's good. I like him, too.. a lot! [ Ellen gives him a dirty look ]

Allison McGrath: Well, Ellen.. David obviously hurt you bad. When did you guys go out?

Ellen: Well, you know.. David and I aren't a real "going-out" kind of couple.. Our idea of a perfect night is to order Chinese food and watch Cary Grant movies.. [ laughs ]

Allison McGrath: And what does David Hasselhoff's wife think of that?

Ellen: [ angry ] I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear you say that!

Allison McGrath: I'm sorry, but have you ever even actually met David Hasselhoff?

Ellen: [ teeth clenched ] "No! I have never met David Hasselhoff! But I have seen him, and I've watched him many times.. and he welcomes my watching like a lover should!

Brian: Do you have those infra-red goggles?

Ellen: No.

Brian: Me, neither. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't need these modern devices.. that help me see in the dark. I mean, stalking is simplicity in itself. It's a person.. and the person he's hunting.

Allison McGrath: [ feigning interest ] Interesting.

Brian: But.. that's me. Now, this guy.. [ acknowledges Marty ] ..I'll bet he's got the best goggles money can buy.

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Danny: Excuse me? So, I can wear those infra-red things, and hang on a tree branch and watch her sleeping in an upstairs bedroom at night?

Marty: [ nodding ] Yes!

Danny: [ elated ] Oh-ho, yeah!

Brian: You see? They're like that, young stalkers. They're kids. It's a generation thing, I guess.

Allison McGrath: Um.. stalkers, give me your best stalking story. Let's start with Ellen.

Ellen: Yeah. Okay.. it was the eighth episode of the 88-89 season of "Knight Rider".. David had just started to grow his hair too long, you know? And I thought it needed to be cut. So, I snuck onto his set and I hid under his trailer with a pair of scissors.. but he never showed up! He knew that I was there! He needed a haircut, but he left me lying there like a fool! I hate you, David Hasselhoff! I hate you!!

Allison McGrath: Boy, talk about crossed signals! [ laughs ]

Ellen: [ laughs back and shrieks ]

Allison McGrath: Okay, uh.. Brian, how about a stalker story?

Brian: Well.. "Bitch" had gone over to the tennis instructor's house after work.. no doubt as a result of his voodoo. Naturally, I was 50-75 yards behind her at all times.. "Bitch" had been there about two hours, during which I was hiding in the bushes reading a comic book. I got kind of bored, so I started making bird noises.. like this.. [ demonstrates some wild bird noises, as Marty laughs ] What's so funny?!

Marty: [ laughing ] It's just that I've done that!

Brian: Oh. Well, anyway.. I'm making these bird noises.. all of a sudden.. the warlock comes out with his tennis racket. I guess he was looking to beat the hell out of this crazy bird that's interrupting his demon seance with "Bitch". So, I jump out of the bushes, I run out in the street screaming, "I'm the bird! I'm the little bird! And the Bitch will burn in Hell!" I must have run fifteen blocks before the cops picked me up.

Allison McGrath: Oh, you were arrested for disorderly conduct?

Brian: Also, I was nude. There were a variety of charges.

Allison McGrath: Okay. Um.. Marty, how about a story?

Marty: [ laughing ] I liked his story!

Allison McGrath: Yeah. That's nice. I bet you've got a good one, though?

Marty: I liked his story! [ continues laughing ]

Allison McGrath: [ turning ] Uh.. Danny, you've been quiet. How about you?

Danny: You look like Becky when you smile.

Allison McGrath: Uh.. really?

Danny: Will you go out with me?

Allison McGrath: Well.. I have a boyfriend.

Danny: He'll never love you as much as I love you. He'll never love you as much as I love you!

Allison McGrath: [ really nervous ] Okay, that's all the time we have for "Stalk Talk"

Brian: You know.. I think about you when I masturbate. I'll bet that.. that disgusts you, doesn't it?

Allison McGrath: [ quickly ] Good night!

Brian: Typical.

Announcer: "Stalk Talk" has been brought to you by Night Vision, the first name in infra-red surveillance.