January 26th, 2010
Do you claim to be an independent thinker, part of a counter-culture, politically progressive and that you have an appreciation for indie-rock, creativity, intelligence and witty banter? The harsh reality is…you are the worst offender of conforming to conformity. You are a hipster. Your lame lifestyle choice affects men and women of all races and in all geographic regions and has a large impact on people with true uniqueness.
My 365 blog entry challenge is all about moving forward and releasing what no longer serves us. The truth is, this is no easy task. It’s OK to ask for help. You’re not alone. I want to help you. I want to help you hard.
I will be holding bi-weekly Hipster Anonymous (HA) meetings in a dank church basement with a mold problem. Based on the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program, we will practice the steps to rid you of your debilitating hipster-like qualities that are destroying your life. And the lives of people that love you.
HA – Hipsters Anonymous – 12 Step program. Here’s an overview:
The 12 Steps
-Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our hipsterness - that our lives had become unmanageable
Ask yourself the following:
Are you dancing with your Ipod at inappropriate times…like at funerals, silent independent German films or when you’re thinking about taking a shower.. but decide against it?
Are lice even scared to live and breed in your unwashed hair?
Have your flamboyant metro sexual tendencies gotten so extreme that even other
hipsters have had to have an intervention about your gayness?
If you answered yes to any of these…your life has become unmanageable.
-Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Remember that you can choose a Higher Power that suits your comfort level and belief system. On Day 116 – Higher Power Auditions, I was in the process of auditioning some Higher Powers for myself in the back of my local coffee shop. This is who tried out:
-Charlton Heston as Moses( not gun wielding NRA Heston)
-A Native American with a tear in his eye
-A Solid Gold dancer
-Clifford the Big Red Dog
-Quaker Oats guy
-Any of the Village People
-The random old man who patted me on the back as I was typing. He said, “I’ve seen you here. You’re a hard worker.”
This was an open audition and anyone or thing could have tried out. The only applications that I wasn’t accepting:
-James Cameron saying that he is king of the world.
Anyone who declares himself to be a Higher Power..is not a Higher Power. Watch your back.
In any case, Black Jesus won the part. I will be referring to him as my Higher Power in the following steps.
-Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Black Jesus as we understood Black Jesus
Are you strong enough to say, “Black Jesus, for you and to restore my health, I will trade rolled cigarettes for Marlboro Reds. But menthol. Never.”
-Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Be strong enough to admit the following:
-Why am I pretending to be a self righteous vegan? I spend so much time and energy condescending meat eaters. In reality, I think what I’m really trying to ask them is, “Can I have a bite of your delicious filet mignon?”
-Step 5 - Admitted to Black Jesus, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
-It was wrong when I dabbled in poetry. Not only did I hurt people with my pathetic prose, I hurt myself.
-It was wrong when I gave someone the time..when my 1983 Timex watch doesn’t even work
-My ironic trucker hat wasn’t ironic at all. It was a cry for help
-Step 6 – We’re entirely ready to have Black Jesus remove all these defects of character
Only you and Black Jesus know that you’re living the illusion that you don’t care about anything. But the reality is that you care way too much.
-Step 7 - Humbly asked Black Jesus to remove our shortcomings
Ask Black Jesus to forgive you for pretending to like the following bands: Matador, DFA, Definitive Jux, Dischord, Warp, Thrill Jockey, Smells Like Records and Drag City. You never really liked their music and would have been much happier listening to some classic rock. Black Jesus loves the Steve Miller Band.
-Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
-You mocked and dehumanized all employees at the Gap, Starbucks and The Pottery Barn
-Apologize to your parents for not cashing their checks in a timely manner.
-Apologize to executives at deodorants companies for replacing their product with patrouille.
-Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
You must personally make direct amends with all remaining hippies from the 60’s. These were the real breed who inherited the countercultural values of the Beat Generation, created their own communities, listened to psychedelic rock, embraced the sexual revolution, and used drugs such as marijuana and LSD to explore alternative states of consciousness. You, as a hipster, are a failed attempt at recreating this.
-Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
For example, if you go off the wagon and bought yourself a tight high school sports t-shirt, return it immediately. For a wallet perhaps. No, not a duct taped wallet.
-Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Black Jesus as we understood Black Jesus, praying only for knowledge of Black Jesus’ will for us and the power to carry that out.
Here is a simple prayer/affirmation that (when said repeatedly) can keep you on track:
Oh Black Jesus:
“With you by my side, I know that PBR, pierced eyebrows and nonprescription 1966 glasses are not for me
I am ready to shower, eat dairy and use my liberal arts degree.”
-Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other hipsters, and to practice these principles in all our affairs
With the help of Jax’s 12 Step program and Black Jesus, you are ready to carry out the message that hipsters are just the embodiment of apathy, irony and hypocrisy.”
There is help.
It works if you work it so work it its worth it!