Sunday, January 24, 2010

Day 169 - I’m Not Very Smart..and Hell..I’m Not Going to Pretend Like I am....

January 24th, 2010

I asked you all to throw out a word, expression, name, object, question... and promised to intertwine them into today’s blog entry. As usual, you stepped up to the plate and I got many responses. Here’s what you gave me:

-Fraggle rock
-New World Order
-Fist pumping
-Meeting a random, half-drunk guy at the airport bar, going to snowboard
-Shirley Partridge
-Stiletto heel omelette
-Final Countdown Johnson
-Spring Break 1992
-Gobbledygook bacon
-Hyperbolicsyllabic Sesquedalymystic
-Have you ever noticed..?

Below is a vignette, if you will, that includes all of your words(IN ALL CAPS) in the order that you gave them to me:

I went to the doctor because I had a horrible infection on my favorite finger. The middle one. This was quite debilitating because I use it all the time.

He told me that EXCELSIOR was embedded deep into my skin. I’m not very smart..and hell..I’m not going to pretend like I am. I had to ask him not to use fancy doctor terms. He told me that it was a piece of a fine wood shaving. That made sense. My injury must have been caused from the firewood from the bonfire I had made to sacrifice some Fraggles from FRAGGLE ROCK. It was a lovely Pagan type ritual dinner party at my apartment. I served crudités.

A proselytizer on the subway told me that a NEW WORLD ORDER was being orchestrated by Fraggles. It was up to me to prevent the hostile takeover. I didn’t need a lot of persuasion to off some Fraggles as I always felt they were just lesser than Muppets. A real BLIP in Jim Henson’s career.

After Fraggle Rock was canceled in 1987, the species moved to SCARESDALE, where they desired a simpler life among upper middle class white people. Initially coming in peace, the Fraggles would approach the human race with a celebratory gesture in which a closed fist is raised before the torso and subsequently drawn down to the body in a vigorous and swift motion. In some circles, this is referred to as a FIST PUMP. The chosen people referred to their new neighbors as “The felt people”. After a short time, the Fraggles got bored with living in the burbs and started the Facebook group: Fan of New World Order.

After my run in with the subway preacher, I went to bed with a conundrum. How was I going to lure the Fraggles to my apartment? And kill them. That night, a Native American Indian came to me in my dreams. Over and over, with a tear in his eye and a feather in his hair, he kept repeating the following, "MEETING A RANDOM, HALF DRUNK GUY AT THE AIRPORT BAR, GOING TO GO SNOWBOARD.” Then he told me not to litter.

Then a crucial piece of information came back to me. I once met a half drunk guy at an airport bar and he was on his way to go snowboarding. He was wearing an “I heart SHIRLEY PARTRIDGE” t-shirt. This struck me as odd because he came off much more like a Florence Henderson type of guy. We started talking and decided to share a STILETTO HEEL OMELETTE ( a popular airport staple food consisting of egg whites, spinach, goat cheese and diced remnants of Jimmy Choo pumps.) We proceeded to get drunk on a strong beverage that was a mix of Zima and malt liquor. It’s called the FINAL COUNTDOWN JOHNSON. The snowboarding loving Shirley Partridge crushing gentleman then proceeded to tell me that he was impressed with my BOOBAGE and hasn’t seen such impressive “ladies” since SPRING BREAK1992. This was my cue to leave. But as I was about to go, he was very adamant about giving me an index card with a recipe for GOBBLEDYGOOK BACON. I had a strong feeling that the Indian would want me to read it. Now. Luckily I held onto the recipe and found it between an unpaid Sprint bill and a jury duty summons that I ignored. Here’s what it said:

• 8 slices of bacon cooked as crisp as you like
• 4 cups hashbrown potatoes freshly shredded or frozen
• 0.5 onion finely chopped
• 1 t salt
• 0.5 t black pepper
• 0.25 t cayenne pepper
• 0.25 t garlic powder
• 2 tablespoon butter
• 4 eggs beaten
• 1 cup sharp cheddar cheese
• 2 green onions chopped (optional)
• dollops of sour cream (optional)

****Also, the aroma is guaranteed to lure Fraggles to your apartment for a tasteful sacrificial Wiccan type celebratory dinner party.****

This was SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS! I had the key to ridding the world of Fraggles. The next night my apartment was full of my cult friendly friends and we threw the gobbledygook ingredients into a bonfire. We started dancing around the flames in a Lord of the Flies-like fashion while chanting HYPERBOLICSYLLABIC SESQUEDALYMYSTIC. Entranced, the Fraggles just started arriving and jumping into the bonfire. Unfortunately, felt and puppet fabric got into the air and a lot of us ended up getting FURBALLS. But that was a small price to pay. Our job was done. The world was Fraggle free. After the ceremony, we played Pictionary.

The next day on the F train, I told my subway preacher leader that I had completed my task. He said, “Come on Jax…HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED that we 'God loving' subway types really have no idea what we’re talking about. I just wanted a nickel, half your pastrami sandwich and for you to buy some M&M'S so the boys basketball team could have some uniforms.”

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