Monday, January 25, 2010

Day 170 - Live Together, Die Alone

January 25th, 2010
(The following takes place inside a woman's purse. Lipstick approaches Wallet)

Lipstick – Hey Wallet. You look great!

Wallet – Thanks. I’ve lost a lot of weight since our Master got laid off and has no cash.

Lipstick – Well, lack of those pesky $20 bills is really working for you.

Wallet – Thanks. Are things going well for you? I haven’t seen you around the purse in a while.

Lipstick – I’ve been laying low the past few weeks after the most unfortunate run in with Pepper Spray. When Master stuck her hand in frantically looking for Pen she hit Pepper Spray by accident. He released some horrible chemical compound on me.

Wallet – That’s traumatic!

Lipstick – It really was...but I’m the lucky one. Movie Stub got sprayed too. He’s dead now.

Wallet – No!

Lipstick – It’s sad but Movie Stub was from some recent Nicolas Cage movie. Nobody’s really gonna miss him.

Wallet – True

(Blackberry falls into the purse and almost lands on Lipstick.)

Wallet – Lipstick! Watch out!

Blackberry – Hey guys. Sorry about that…sometimes Master drops me so hard..because she loves me so hard.

Lipstick – Are you OK? You get pulled out of here so much.

Blackberry –I'm fine. I am rather addictive. Right? Plus I’m strong because of my silicone rubber gel skin cover.

Wallet – Don’t get cocky Blackberry. It’s not flattering. Besides, you don’t have a touch screen so I’m sure you’ll be upgraded soon...only to be put to rest with the Palm Pilots.

Blackberry – Wallet, watch it! Seriously. I let you check your Facebook on me and I have no issue with taking that privilege away.

Lipstick – Guys..guys! Please. We have to learn how to live together…or we’re going to die alone.

Wallet – That sounds familiar.

Lipstick – Master was watching “Lost” the other night and I heard that line.

Blackberry - Nice. The truth is, I wouldn’t mind getting out of here because things have gotten so unpleasant after my affair with Tampon.

Wallet – Really? I always find her to be so reliable. On heavy and light days.

Lipstick – Me too. She’s Super. Super Plus.

Blackberry – Well, you haven’t dated her. She’s no saint. I arrived back to the purse sooner than expected the other night and caught her with her string wrapped around The Keys. Not just one. All of them.

Lipstick – Really?? I just assumed The Keys were gay because they do everything together.

Wallet – I know. They never leave each other’s side.

(Master’s hand reaches into the purse and chaos ensues as all of them try to avoid being picked up…the hand eventually gets hold of Lipstick as Blackberry and Wallet desperately try to hold on to her and fail.)

Lipstick, Wallet and Blackberry – Nooooooo!

(Lipstick, Wallet and Blackberry are all screaming and crying as Lipstick gets pulled out of the purse. Lipstick enters the light and Wallet and Blackberry are left stunned in the darkness when the zipper closes. There is a brief period of silence)

Wallet– She’s so young and fragile. She can’t handle the outside world like us. She won’t be back. She’ll end up used and abused like the rest of the lipsticks that have passed through here.

(Condom enters)

Condom – What’s shakin’ pursemates?

Blackberry – Lipstick just crossed over to the other side.

Wallet– We think it might be for good this time.

Condom -Dammmnnnn! I was so close to tapping that ass.

(Enraged..Blackberry and Wallet hold down Condom)

Blackberry – Watch it Condom! Master has recently been into stealing silverware and you don’t want me to have to call Knife and Fork over here.

Wallet – They'll destroy you. Even your spermicidal lubricant won’t protect you. They’re tough.

Condom – Ok..Ok…sorry. I’m just a little pent up from never getting used.

(The zipper opens and Lipstick falls back in.)

Wallet – Lipstick! We thought we lost you forever!

(They all happily embrace)

Lipstick – It was rough out there guys. I was spared because Master got distracted when a douche at the bar was trying to pick her up. We’re going to have a special guest soon. It’s Business Card.

Wallet – What’s Business Card's name?

Lipstick – You’ll love this – It’s Douchey McDoucherson.

Blackberry – No way! We’re going to have fun with him!

(Purse opens and Douchey McDoucherson Business Card falls in. Condom goes up to introduce himself)

Condom – Hi, I’m Condom.

Douchey McDoucherson Business Card – I’m sorry. I’m not familiar with your work.

Blackberry – (Calling out) Knife! Fork! You’re needed…we have a situation.

The End

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