January 6th, 2010
“Estas gafas no defienden contra la luz ultraviolet. Usarlas como gafas de sol no protegerá sus ojo. Utilicelas solamente en el teatro. Mantenga lejos del alcance de los niños baja 3 años.”
I just saw King of the World James Cameron’s three dimensional science fiction epic, “Avatar”. The above was the español warning that was on the packaging of my 3D glasses. It translates to: “These glasses do not screen ultraviolet light. Wearing them as sunglasses will not protect your eyes. Use only in the theater. Keep out of reach of children under 3.”
This is really a shame because there is nothing I would like to do more than to wear these glasses outside of the cineplex and start divvying them out to children under the age of 3 . As I’ve mentioned, I have a dream of starting a baby doo-rag business and I do think 3D glasses would be a phenomenally edgy accessory for babies in baby gangs.
But I was warned. And I’m insulted that manufacturers expect the worst of us. I was inspired to find other products that had warning and instruction labels that leads me to conclude that said creators just have decided that all consumers are special. Not the good kind of special. Here’s what I found on the web. That is worldly. And widely:
Dremel Electric Rotary Tool - This product not intended for use as a dental drill
Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter - Safe to use around pets
Little Ones Baby Lotion - Keep away from children
Dial Soap - Directions: Use like regular soap
Stridex Foaming Face Wash - May contain foam
Zantac 75 - Do not take if allergic to Zantac
Komatsu Floodlight - This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark
Pine Mountain Fire Logs - Caution: Risk of fire
Children's Superman Costume - Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly
Nabisco Easy Cheese - For best results, remove cap
500-piece puzzle - Some assembly required
Hotel provided shower cap in a box - Fits one head
Can of self-defense pepper spray - May irritate eyes
Microwave Oven - Do not use for drying pets
Rat Poison - Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice
Portable stroller - Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage
Depend Adult Diapers - Step into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear
Nytol sleep aid - Warning: may cause drowsiness
New Zealand insect spray - This product not tested on animals
Blanket from Taiwan - not to be used as protection from a tornado
Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges - Not meant as substitute for human companionship
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