Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Day 151 – Warning: Manufacturers Think We’re Idiots

January 6th, 2010

“Estas gafas no defienden contra la luz ultraviolet. Usarlas como gafas de sol no protegerá sus ojo. Utilicelas solamente en el teatro. Mantenga lejos del alcance de los niños baja 3 años.”

I just saw King of the World James Cameron’s three dimensional science fiction epic, “Avatar”. The above was the español warning that was on the packaging of my 3D glasses. It translates to: “These glasses do not screen ultraviolet light. Wearing them as sunglasses will not protect your eyes. Use only in the theater. Keep out of reach of children under 3.”

This is really a shame because there is nothing I would like to do more than to wear these glasses outside of the cineplex and start divvying them out to children under the age of 3 . As I’ve mentioned, I have a dream of starting a baby doo-rag business and I do think 3D glasses would be a phenomenally edgy accessory for babies in baby gangs.

But I was warned. And I’m insulted that manufacturers expect the worst of us. I was inspired to find other products that had warning and instruction labels that leads me to conclude that said creators just have decided that all consumers are special. Not the good kind of special. Here’s what I found on the web. That is worldly. And widely:

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool - This product not intended for use as a dental drill

Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter - Safe to use around pets

Little Ones Baby Lotion - Keep away from children

Dial Soap - Directions: Use like regular soap

Stridex Foaming Face Wash - May contain foam

Zantac 75 - Do not take if allergic to Zantac

Komatsu Floodlight - This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Pine Mountain Fire Logs - Caution: Risk of fire

Children's Superman Costume - Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly

Nabisco Easy Cheese - For best results, remove cap

500-piece puzzle - Some assembly required

Hotel provided shower cap in a box - Fits one head

Can of self-defense pepper spray - May irritate eyes

Microwave Oven - Do not use for drying pets

Rat Poison - Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice

Portable stroller - Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage

Depend Adult Diapers - Step into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear

Nytol sleep aid - Warning: may cause drowsiness

New Zealand insect spray - This product not tested on animals

Blanket from Taiwan - not to be used as protection from a tornado

Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges - Not meant as substitute for human companionship

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