Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Day 367 - Ask Jax - Part 26

August 31st, 2010

This is the 26th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. Although I have completed my 365 day blog entry challenge, continuing to regurgitate blog seems to clear my mind as I am putting together my book pitch to submit to agents. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

How many people can I blame for an "air biscuit" on an elevator before being discovered? Say 8 others are riding said elevator. - Zachary B Atkinson, Wilmington, North Carolina

Jax's Answer - Your air biscuits, anal acoustics, backdoor breezes and butt blowing bugles are really just cries of imprisoned fecal matter. Blame yourself, own it and just explain to the 8 other elevator passengers that you always get a nervous stomach when you're drunk, disgruntled and have a gun.

What are the winning lottery numbers? - Roberta Scott, San Francisco, California

Jax's Answer - Jenny’s number. 867-5309

When we go out for sushi, my boyfriend only orders California Rolls. What does that say about him? - Anonymous, Madison, Wisconsin.

Jax's Answer - Only eating California is like saying you love the Grateful Dead. But the only song you know is "Truckin'".

So why did the dish run away with the spoon? - Heather Antonelli, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - The earliest recorded version of the English nursery rhyme "Hey Diddle Diddle" was printed in London in Mother Goose's Melody around 1765, with the lyrics:

High diddle diddle,
The Cat and the Fiddle,
The Cow jump'd over the Moon,
The little dog laugh'd to see such Craft,
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon.

The history. The Dish and the Spoon first met when they were part of a high end Pottery Barn display setting. They were thrown out on the street after Dish was maliciously gossiping about a floral Decorative Pillow Cover being gay. Spoon was ostracized for seducing a Fork and branded as a whore for having a baby, a Spork. Dish and Spoon panhandled on the streets of London before Mother Goose, the Mother Teresa of rescuing impoverished dishware, saved them. Life was good....until Cow jumping over the moon landed on Dish...leaving him cracked, deformed and the plate where the Purina was served to the fiddling cat and laughing dog. Spoon had also reached the peak of humiliation when Mother Goose took a liking to hanging her from her nose. So the Dish and the Spoon got out of dodge in search of a more prestigious life. Where did they runaway to? There was an open call for Judas's place setting at The Last Supper.

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