August 4th, 2010
In Footloose, upbeat Chicago teen Ren McCormack (Kevin Bacon) moves from the big city to a small town and is informed, "You won't get any dancing here, it's illegal."
His response: "Jump back!"
Let's revisit the most classic tales of teen rebellion and repression that only comes to resolution through sweeping choreography and overacting.
As an adult, I've wondered what uptight Reverend Shaw Moore(John Lithgow) and the city council decided not to ban before they banished rock music and dancing.
Let's assume it went down like so:
(Location: City Council Meeting in a small church lead by Reverend Shaw Moore. I have conceptualized the names of other council members. Some inspired by media figures. Some are names I just picture in this meeting. In my mind's eye. Also, let's assume the meeting was conducted in Parliamentary Procedure. With powdered wigs.)
Reverend Shaw: The meeting will come to order. The secretary will read the minutes of the last meeting.
Secretary O'Reilly: I'll just cut to the chase. We basically just said that we hate black people.
Reverend Shaw: Are there any corrections to the minutes?
Councilmen Burnell - We also moved that we hate Jews, Mexicans and Persian kittens.
Reverend Shaw: If there are no further corrections, the minutes stand approved. Is there any new business?
Councilmen Newt: I move that it's time to ban something fun. I'm just not sure what. I'd like to open up the floor to discussion.
Reverend Shaw: All in favor of an open floored discussion about banning things that are fun...say "Aye"...those opposed say "Nay".
(All members passionately yell"Aye!")
Councilmen Jofestuss: I would move to make alcohol illegal...but I have some significant reservations. I love that booze gives me the excuse to feel confident, uninhibited and really horny.
Secretary O'Reilly: The effects are too positive...acting without reason and accountability should not be a right to be stripped of. I go back and forth on banning crystal meth...but I do see some valid reasons to keep it around. It's been brilliantly effective in desecrating the bad part of town.
Councilmen Newt: True, we've really seen progress. Now I vacillate if we should put an end to our key parties. But Reverend Shaw, your wife is so smokin' hot.
Reverend Shaw - That she is Newt. (They high five.) I welcome the times you have sinful relations with the Mrs...that's when I explore my gayness with the young naive boy at the Dairy Queen. I move that we ban guns!( All laugh)...Just kidding.
Councilmen Burnell - Nice one Rev. On a serious note, I need to address what is truly causing havoc in society...Boy Bands. (All pause then l nod in agreement.) Although I am entranced with the sweet guy. The brooding one. And the guy who oozes, "I am so street...", I just think it's time to put an end to them...because they get more attention than us.
Councilmen Jofestuss - Excellent point Councilmen Burnell. I move that we ban rock music and dancing. If we take that away from the Boy Bands...they'll just be undereducated guys working manual labor. Plus, taking away music and dancing is sure to piss off the teenagers. And I hate teenagers.
(All mumble under their breath that they are also haters of teens.)
Councilmen Burnell - I move that we ban rock music and dancing from our small ignorant town because there is nothing we like to do more than fuck with the teenagers.
Councilmen Jofestuss - I second the motion.
Reverend Shaw - The motion has been made by and seconded. All in favor of banning rock music and dancing from our small ignorant town because there is nothing we like to do more than fuck with the teenagers. ...please say "Aye"..and if opposed, say "Nay". (Overwhelming "Aye" response.) The motion has been passed and as of now, there is a ban on rock music and dancing from our small ignorant town because there is nothing we like to do more than fuck with the teenagers.
(Cheers from the councilman. Secretary O'Reilly and Councilman Newt accidentally start to dance in celebration. As a punishment, they are tar and feathered.)