December 22nd, 2010
This is the 35th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
Why is everyone so upset with full body scans? - Eric Bergson, Seattle, Washington
Jax’s Answer: Simple. It’s foreplay without the sex. If you’re not going to close the deal…please refrain from enticing us with those phallicly shaped seductive body scanning devices that make our bodies tingle with heightened pleasure. Plus, I find the airline body scan tease analogous to the time when someone slipped a roofie in my drink…and didn’t even take advantage of me. You know who you are. Shame on you.
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop? - Claudia Mizrahi , Brooklyn, New York
Jax’s Answer: Sorry to say, most of us Jewish girls who grew up upper middle class aren’t versed in the world of pawnshops. However, if you’d like to join me for Chinese on Sunday night, I’m available.
I get sad when I think of Helen Keller. Do you? – Anonymous, Orlando, Florida
Jax’s Answer: Not as sad as I feel for this girl playing the deaf blind girl in the following community theater production of the Miracle Worker: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJtEzAW9WSw
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Day 379 - Ask Jax - Part 34
December 9th, 2010
This is the 35th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
When will I see you? - JillSchimmel, New York, New York
Jax Answer - Yes, there are times when I have been compared to Keyser Söze, often spoken of...but never seen. I do work in mysterious ways. Well my sweet Jill, you can feel me with you at all times if you use your third eye while on a disturbingly intense acid trip. Look for me between the 2 animated dancing bears. If you can't find me there...try the Olive Garden in Times Square.
What do you think of one night stands? - Anonymous, Seattle, Washington
Jax's Answer - - Eh, not so into them. When it comes to sex, why have a Twinkie when you could have a crème brûlée? However,in this economy, I do salute the prostitutes utilizing their sexin' for a fee. A slew of one nightstands= Pretty kick ass work ethic.
If I have an itch, should I scratch it? - Adam Holtz, New York, New York
Jax's Answer - There are some questions that the universal answer will always be an absolutely no doubt about it I 'd swear on my mother's grave...and your mother's grave...YES. This is one of those. If you have an itch, for the love of Jesus Harold Christ, scratch it. If you want to torture yourself, watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills...while eating nails. Other inquiries that would always be answered with an affirmative:
- Does a man in a black turtleneck and black pants look like Phil Collins in the No Jacket Required album cover? - Yes
- Is today tomorrow's yesterday? - Yes
- Is it abnormal if a straight guy doesn't fantasize about a threesome? - Yes
*A question Ask Jax would have to research would be: Does a mime shit in the woods? This I do not know.
Can fat people go skinny-dipping? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York
Jax's Answer - Now this question would require the exact opposite stance. My answer to "Can fat people go skinny dipping?" is NO. In truth, they can. But should they? No. No they should not. Think about it. Ew. The following are some questions that would always be answered with the negative:
- Is it right when you see a kid on a leash and a dog in stroller. - No
- DidAsk Jaxgive you your venereal disease? - No
- Do you think that OJ Simpson was just "misunderstood"...? - No
*However, I am unsure of the following: Does OJ Simpson shit in the woods? Again, not sure about this.
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/
This is the 35th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
When will I see you? - JillSchimmel, New York, New York
Jax Answer - Yes, there are times when I have been compared to Keyser Söze, often spoken of...but never seen. I do work in mysterious ways. Well my sweet Jill, you can feel me with you at all times if you use your third eye while on a disturbingly intense acid trip. Look for me between the 2 animated dancing bears. If you can't find me there...try the Olive Garden in Times Square.
What do you think of one night stands? - Anonymous, Seattle, Washington
Jax's Answer - - Eh, not so into them. When it comes to sex, why have a Twinkie when you could have a crème brûlée? However,in this economy, I do salute the prostitutes utilizing their sexin' for a fee. A slew of one nightstands= Pretty kick ass work ethic.
If I have an itch, should I scratch it? - Adam Holtz, New York, New York
Jax's Answer - There are some questions that the universal answer will always be an absolutely no doubt about it I 'd swear on my mother's grave...and your mother's grave...YES. This is one of those. If you have an itch, for the love of Jesus Harold Christ, scratch it. If you want to torture yourself, watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills...while eating nails. Other inquiries that would always be answered with an affirmative:
- Does a man in a black turtleneck and black pants look like Phil Collins in the No Jacket Required album cover? - Yes
- Is today tomorrow's yesterday? - Yes
- Is it abnormal if a straight guy doesn't fantasize about a threesome? - Yes
*A question Ask Jax would have to research would be: Does a mime shit in the woods? This I do not know.
Can fat people go skinny-dipping? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York
Jax's Answer - Now this question would require the exact opposite stance. My answer to "Can fat people go skinny dipping?" is NO. In truth, they can. But should they? No. No they should not. Think about it. Ew. The following are some questions that would always be answered with the negative:
- Is it right when you see a kid on a leash and a dog in stroller. - No
- DidAsk Jaxgive you your venereal disease? - No
- Do you think that OJ Simpson was just "misunderstood"...? - No
*However, I am unsure of the following: Does OJ Simpson shit in the woods? Again, not sure about this.
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Day 378 - Ask Jax - Part 33
December 1st, 2010
This is the 33rd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
Who likes ice cream more, Ben or Jerry? - Mike Webster, Brooklyn, New York
Jax's Answer - Ben & Jerry's was originally called Ben, Jerry & Howie's. Ben Cohen, Jerry Greenfield and Howie McJewishshtein were childhood friends and dessert pioneers who made the world take notice of frozen dairy. They were rewarded with fast cars, fast woman and a plaque from the Surgeon General praising their effort to contribute to America's obesity epidemic. The ice cream empire's downward spiral began when Howie realized that he was the only one pulling the weight when coming up with innovative flavor combinations. Cherry Garcia, Chunky Monkey and Chubby Hubby were all his creations. Meanwhile, Ben and Jerry were responsible for poorly received flavors like Nails & Honey, Oprah Saliva and Vanilla. It did not go over well when Howie confronted his two partners about their lack of creativity. In a deserted Vermont field, Ben and Jerry doused Howie with hot fudge and lighter fluid. His body was never recovered. Oh yes. Who likes ice cream more, Ben or Jerry? Neither care for it. They're lactose intolerant.
Why has it been storming for 24 hours straight. Tell me Jax. Why? - Anonymous, Princeton, New Jersey
Jax's Answer: Rain. God's way of orchestrating a wet t-shirt contest. Perv. But I still want to win.
The annual Christmas tree lighting that takes place in New York City's Rockefeller Center, why all the hype?- Jill Jones, Brooklyn, New York
Jax's answer - I've never really bought into the excessive publicity around this live broadcast. In fact, it troubles me that NBC execs scout out country folk and offer a cash exchange for these people's most prized possession, a 100 foot spruce. People with a giant spruce, I assume your freakishly large tree even has the initials of lovers carved into it. That's adorable. Don't sell out. Interesting note, the original premise of the book, The Giving Tree, wasn't a tale about a long term relationship between a young boy and a tree in a forest. In the original, the boy was approached by the Rockefeller Center higher ups and had no qualms about giving his tree away for their ceremony. This happened on page 2. It was a short book. More of a pamphlet.
This is the 33rd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
Who likes ice cream more, Ben or Jerry? - Mike Webster, Brooklyn, New York
Jax's Answer - Ben & Jerry's was originally called Ben, Jerry & Howie's. Ben Cohen, Jerry Greenfield and Howie McJewishshtein were childhood friends and dessert pioneers who made the world take notice of frozen dairy. They were rewarded with fast cars, fast woman and a plaque from the Surgeon General praising their effort to contribute to America's obesity epidemic. The ice cream empire's downward spiral began when Howie realized that he was the only one pulling the weight when coming up with innovative flavor combinations. Cherry Garcia, Chunky Monkey and Chubby Hubby were all his creations. Meanwhile, Ben and Jerry were responsible for poorly received flavors like Nails & Honey, Oprah Saliva and Vanilla. It did not go over well when Howie confronted his two partners about their lack of creativity. In a deserted Vermont field, Ben and Jerry doused Howie with hot fudge and lighter fluid. His body was never recovered. Oh yes. Who likes ice cream more, Ben or Jerry? Neither care for it. They're lactose intolerant.
Why has it been storming for 24 hours straight. Tell me Jax. Why? - Anonymous, Princeton, New Jersey
Jax's Answer: Rain. God's way of orchestrating a wet t-shirt contest. Perv. But I still want to win.
The annual Christmas tree lighting that takes place in New York City's Rockefeller Center, why all the hype?- Jill Jones, Brooklyn, New York
Jax's answer - I've never really bought into the excessive publicity around this live broadcast. In fact, it troubles me that NBC execs scout out country folk and offer a cash exchange for these people's most prized possession, a 100 foot spruce. People with a giant spruce, I assume your freakishly large tree even has the initials of lovers carved into it. That's adorable. Don't sell out. Interesting note, the original premise of the book, The Giving Tree, wasn't a tale about a long term relationship between a young boy and a tree in a forest. In the original, the boy was approached by the Rockefeller Center higher ups and had no qualms about giving his tree away for their ceremony. This happened on page 2. It was a short book. More of a pamphlet.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Day 377 - Ask Jax - Part 32
November 24th, 2010
This is the 32nd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
What is the cheapest airline ticket I can buy that will let me get a nice pat down with no intention of ever getting on the flight? - Jason Maxham, Chicago, IL
Jax’s Answer – US "I Will Violate You in Ways That Will Lead to Shame and Confusion" Air
Is the sparrow better in Istanbul near the fire? – Paul Hale, Brooklyn, NY
Jax’s Answer. – If I had a nickel for every time I was asked this question, I’d have 5 cents. The sparrow is absolutely NOT better in Istanbul near the fire. These plump brown-grey birds make the mistake of nesting in buildings in large cities and Istanbul is the 5th largest city in the world with a population of 12.8 million. Sparrow roasting on an open fire (which is also a hit Turkish holiday song) is considered a delicacy in this Far East metropolis. Note to readers. Shall you decided to travel to Istanbul and treat yourself to this succulent dish, I suggest topping it with some A-1 Steak Sauce and a sprig of parsley.
What was Willis talking about? - Dan Neveloff, New York, NY
Jax’s Answer – Seldom discussed was the fact that Willis adhered to the doctrine of opposition to the social and political establishment. So, as it turns out, Willis was talking about Anti establishmentarianism. He was simply trying to explain that he viewed our nation's power structure as corrupt, exploitative and repressive. Also...sometimes, he was talking about bacon.
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com
This is the 32nd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
What is the cheapest airline ticket I can buy that will let me get a nice pat down with no intention of ever getting on the flight? - Jason Maxham, Chicago, IL
Jax’s Answer – US "I Will Violate You in Ways That Will Lead to Shame and Confusion" Air
Is the sparrow better in Istanbul near the fire? – Paul Hale, Brooklyn, NY
Jax’s Answer. – If I had a nickel for every time I was asked this question, I’d have 5 cents. The sparrow is absolutely NOT better in Istanbul near the fire. These plump brown-grey birds make the mistake of nesting in buildings in large cities and Istanbul is the 5th largest city in the world with a population of 12.8 million. Sparrow roasting on an open fire (which is also a hit Turkish holiday song) is considered a delicacy in this Far East metropolis. Note to readers. Shall you decided to travel to Istanbul and treat yourself to this succulent dish, I suggest topping it with some A-1 Steak Sauce and a sprig of parsley.
What was Willis talking about? - Dan Neveloff, New York, NY
Jax’s Answer – Seldom discussed was the fact that Willis adhered to the doctrine of opposition to the social and political establishment. So, as it turns out, Willis was talking about Anti establishmentarianism. He was simply trying to explain that he viewed our nation's power structure as corrupt, exploitative and repressive. Also...sometimes, he was talking about bacon.
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com
Friday, November 19, 2010
Day 376 - Ask Jax - Part 31
November 19, 2010
This is the 31st installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
Why do I find random condoms on the side of the street, on the side walk, even in the park, are there really that many people having sex in public places and they can't throw their used or even unused condoms in a trash bin? Tell me Jax, WHHHHHHHHHY??? - Shelby Richter, Somewhere with Horses, Colorado
Jax’s Answer - Sorry, I'll try to be tidier with my used condoms.
Is it true that women can tell within the first hour of the first date.....?? – Brian Baron, Brooklyn, New York
Jax’s Answer – Absolutely. If a man has a weak handshake, a wandering eye and is wearing a “Bedbugs are Just Misunderstood” t-shirt…then run. Like the wind. Ladies, I also suggest observing how he treats the wait staff. This is how he will treat you in 20 years. As for me, I insist that my date bring a copy of his W-2’s for me to peruse. Let’s not waste our time.
How do people with no arms clean up after using the toilet??? - Jeremy Berk, Los Angeles, California
Jax’s Answer - In 1985, a Trivial Pursuit question taught me that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body. That is all.
This is the 31st installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
Why do I find random condoms on the side of the street, on the side walk, even in the park, are there really that many people having sex in public places and they can't throw their used or even unused condoms in a trash bin? Tell me Jax, WHHHHHHHHHY??? - Shelby Richter, Somewhere with Horses, Colorado
Jax’s Answer - Sorry, I'll try to be tidier with my used condoms.
Is it true that women can tell within the first hour of the first date.....?? – Brian Baron, Brooklyn, New York
Jax’s Answer – Absolutely. If a man has a weak handshake, a wandering eye and is wearing a “Bedbugs are Just Misunderstood” t-shirt…then run. Like the wind. Ladies, I also suggest observing how he treats the wait staff. This is how he will treat you in 20 years. As for me, I insist that my date bring a copy of his W-2’s for me to peruse. Let’s not waste our time.
How do people with no arms clean up after using the toilet??? - Jeremy Berk, Los Angeles, California
Jax’s Answer - In 1985, a Trivial Pursuit question taught me that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body. That is all.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Day 375 - Ask Jax - Part 30
This is the 30th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
Why do people groom in public? - Michelle Kraskin, New York, New York
Jax’s Answer: I used to ponder the same conundrum. Then, for the sake of research, I shaved my armpits while walking down 5th Avenue. Never been happier.
What's up with some people never being on time? Paul Hale, Brooklyn New York
Jax’s Answer - The chronically late tend to irritate even those of us who are good natured and patient. I pride myself in being a prompt person so I am generally the recipient of some genuine and inane excuses when someone is a fan of tardiness. I think it really comes down to two types of people who fail to arrived at designated times. Those who have a legitimate excuse and those who are assholes. Be gentle with those who lost track of time because…
- they had to stop at the ATM to get you money for just being a nice guy.
- they were saving a kitten from a tree. It was a Persian.
- they noticed a questionable package on the subway. They saw something. And said something.
Consider removing the tardy offender from your life if they failed to show up on time because…
- they were on the phone with your mom…discussing your failures.
- they were at a “Save the Bedbugs” rally.
- they were putting a questionable package on the subway.
I just got reamed out by a gay man via email and he won’t return my calls to discuss the matter at hand? - Anonymous, San Francisco, California
Jax’s Answer - Ahhh yes,the one who throws the grenade into the woods then runs out of the forest. They’re precious. Simple: If you’re gonna be such a bitch… don't be such a pussy.
-
Why do people groom in public? - Michelle Kraskin, New York, New York
Jax’s Answer: I used to ponder the same conundrum. Then, for the sake of research, I shaved my armpits while walking down 5th Avenue. Never been happier.
What's up with some people never being on time? Paul Hale, Brooklyn New York
Jax’s Answer - The chronically late tend to irritate even those of us who are good natured and patient. I pride myself in being a prompt person so I am generally the recipient of some genuine and inane excuses when someone is a fan of tardiness. I think it really comes down to two types of people who fail to arrived at designated times. Those who have a legitimate excuse and those who are assholes. Be gentle with those who lost track of time because…
- they had to stop at the ATM to get you money for just being a nice guy.
- they were saving a kitten from a tree. It was a Persian.
- they noticed a questionable package on the subway. They saw something. And said something.
Consider removing the tardy offender from your life if they failed to show up on time because…
- they were on the phone with your mom…discussing your failures.
- they were at a “Save the Bedbugs” rally.
- they were putting a questionable package on the subway.
I just got reamed out by a gay man via email and he won’t return my calls to discuss the matter at hand? - Anonymous, San Francisco, California
Jax’s Answer - Ahhh yes,the one who throws the grenade into the woods then runs out of the forest. They’re precious. Simple: If you’re gonna be such a bitch… don't be such a pussy.
-
Friday, November 5, 2010
Day 374 - Ask Jax - Part 29
November 5th, 2010
This is the 29th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
Is it wrong that I get annoyed when people say, “Let us not forget 9-11?” – Anonymous, New York, New York
Jax’s Answer: Not as wrong as my friend who says, “Let us not forget 11-9.” He found out 2 months late.
Is seeing someone who lives in NJ geographic relationship suicide? - Heather Antonelli, Brooklyn, New York
Jax’s Answer: If your geographical preferences lean toward an over-paved gloomy wasteland that’s spiritually dead, then I think your relationship has the capacity to develop into something that could benefit your mind, body and spirit. Or at least just your body. I say proudly saunter across the Hudson and nuzzle comfortably in the bosom of your new man. Just watch out for the gold chain. Also, please remove your bumper sticker that says: Jersey, A Good Place to Pass Through. At Night. While you’re there, I recommend also disposing of the bumper sticker that reads: DUKAKIS '88.
Can people change - Page Newsom Pelphrey, Guilford Connecticut
According to a Brady Brunch song that aired January 14th, 1972, the world learned that people can indeed change. Let’s review the lyrics to “Time To Change” which allowed Peter to embrace his awkward journey through puberty.
“When it's time to change, then it’s time to change
Don't fight the tide, come along for the ride, don't you see
When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange
who you are into what you're gonna be.
Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na
Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na"
Powerful stuff. We too should take Peter’s lead and know that we can overcome the fear of change… of course, only through Brady song.
Have you ever had sex while coming off sodium pentothal and hopped up on Jack Daniels and Percocet?Scott Stern, Los Angeles, California
Jax’s Answer: According to my rash, yes…yes I have.
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/
This is the 29th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.
Is it wrong that I get annoyed when people say, “Let us not forget 9-11?” – Anonymous, New York, New York
Jax’s Answer: Not as wrong as my friend who says, “Let us not forget 11-9.” He found out 2 months late.
Is seeing someone who lives in NJ geographic relationship suicide? - Heather Antonelli, Brooklyn, New York
Jax’s Answer: If your geographical preferences lean toward an over-paved gloomy wasteland that’s spiritually dead, then I think your relationship has the capacity to develop into something that could benefit your mind, body and spirit. Or at least just your body. I say proudly saunter across the Hudson and nuzzle comfortably in the bosom of your new man. Just watch out for the gold chain. Also, please remove your bumper sticker that says: Jersey, A Good Place to Pass Through. At Night. While you’re there, I recommend also disposing of the bumper sticker that reads: DUKAKIS '88.
Can people change - Page Newsom Pelphrey, Guilford Connecticut
According to a Brady Brunch song that aired January 14th, 1972, the world learned that people can indeed change. Let’s review the lyrics to “Time To Change” which allowed Peter to embrace his awkward journey through puberty.
“When it's time to change, then it’s time to change
Don't fight the tide, come along for the ride, don't you see
When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange
who you are into what you're gonna be.
Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na
Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na"
Powerful stuff. We too should take Peter’s lead and know that we can overcome the fear of change… of course, only through Brady song.
Have you ever had sex while coming off sodium pentothal and hopped up on Jack Daniels and Percocet?Scott Stern, Los Angeles, California
Jax’s Answer: According to my rash, yes…yes I have.
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/
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