Thursday, December 9, 2010

Day 379 - Ask Jax - Part 34

December 9th, 2010

This is the 35th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

When will I see you? - JillSchimmel, New York, New York

Jax Answer - Yes, there are times when I have been compared to Keyser Söze, often spoken of...but never seen. I do work in mysterious ways. Well my sweet Jill, you can feel me with you at all times if you use your third eye while on a disturbingly intense acid trip. Look for me between the 2 animated dancing bears. If you can't find me there...try the Olive Garden in Times Square.

What do you think of one night stands? - Anonymous, Seattle, Washington

Jax's Answer - - Eh, not so into them. When it comes to sex, why have a Twinkie when you could have a crème brûlée? However,in this economy, I do salute the prostitutes utilizing their sexin' for a fee. A slew of one nightstands= Pretty kick ass work ethic.

If I have an itch, should I scratch it? - Adam Holtz, New York, New York

Jax's Answer - There are some questions that the universal answer will always be an absolutely no doubt about it I 'd swear on my mother's grave...and your mother's grave...YES. This is one of those. If you have an itch, for the love of Jesus Harold Christ, scratch it. If you want to torture yourself, watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills...while eating nails. Other inquiries that would always be answered with an affirmative:

- Does a man in a black turtleneck and black pants look like Phil Collins in the No Jacket Required album cover? - Yes

- Is today tomorrow's yesterday? - Yes

- Is it abnormal if a straight guy doesn't fantasize about a threesome? - Yes

*A question Ask Jax would have to research would be: Does a mime shit in the woods? This I do not know.

Can fat people go skinny-dipping? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - Now this question would require the exact opposite stance. My answer to "Can fat people go skinny dipping?" is NO. In truth, they can. But should they? No. No they should not. Think about it. Ew. The following are some questions that would always be answered with the negative:

- Is it right when you see a kid on a leash and a dog in stroller. - No

- DidAsk Jaxgive you your venereal disease? - No

- Do you think that OJ Simpson was just "misunderstood"...? - No

*However, I am unsure of the following: Does OJ Simpson shit in the woods? Again, not sure about this.

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