August 3rd, 2010
I have to give myself an internal high five.
No. Not because today's horoscope praised my awesomeness.
Not because I'm having an exceptional hair day.
Not because the chef at my neighborhood cafe just gave me a free salad for being nice.
Although the above triumphs are worthy of the the gesture of the upraised arm/slap combo signifying elation and victory, I've metaphorically been observing myself as of late and have taken notice that I feel strong. Emotionally. I don't feel immune to adversity, but I am noticing that I'm coping better and recovering more hastily from strenuous conditions.
I credit this to a supportive and positive network of friends, family and cooks who provide me free ruffage. Perhaps even having only 6 days left in this 365 day blog entry challenge has contributed to my sense of self worth, perseverance capabilities and my ability to follow through. By focusing on the things that I can control, I am seeing progress in my life and no one, thing or zombie can crush my spirit and take that away for me.
Good news to those who feel like the world is pillaging against them with a pitchfork... strength is a mindset that can resurface from the muck of powerlessness. Effective coping skills are at our fingertips. So often we forget. To heal, some turn to religion. To a facet of spirituality. To Oprah. Where you find comfort is a personal choice. Look for it. Remind yourself that it is possible to derive joy from the world around you.
Perhaps the following movie quotes will assist you in taking the first step to an upward spiral.
- In "Animal House", John Belushi as John "Bluto" Blutarsky was a drunken degenerate in his seventh year of college and had a GPA of 0.0.
D-Day: War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
Bluto: What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.
Bluto goes on to become a United States Senator.
- Steve Martin (as Lucky Day) inspires a shift of consciousness in " ¡Three Amigos!"
"For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us...El Guapo is a big dangerous guy who wants to kill us."
Along with Nederlander and Dusty Bottoms, Lucky Day rode off into the into the sunset. As a hero.
- And no person has taught us the possibility of overcoming hardship more than Mel Gibson as William Wallace in "Braveheart".
"Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!
And Mel Gibson has the ability to spew hate about everyone. In one sentence.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Day 358 - Catered Camping. Good For the Soul
August 1st, 2010
According to the blog, "Stuff White People Like", American whities are universally smitten by expensive sandwiches, black music that black people don’t listen to anymore and vespas.
Also included in the list of Caucasian loves is camping.
Turns out to be true. Here's the deal. I've been feeling a little vulnerable the last few days. A relationship came to an end and I had one of 2 choices. Stay home and indulge in sullen aloofness or go camping with my friends. Yes, my white friends.
In one of my best decisions ever, I put myself on a bus to the wilderness to meet 8 people that I just adore. Bless their hearts....
It's been Jax tested. Should you feel in the doldrums, go camping immediately. However. You MUST include the following or I can't guarantee happiness:
1) Walkie Talkies
- We found it best to communicate with each other via walkie talkie. Very effective when the group was divided into 2 cars, at different places on our 10 mile hike through Minnewaska State Park and when we really wanted to drive a point home with the person next to us. Plus saying, "Roger", "Over" and referring to bikes as "boagies" is cool.
2) Assign nicknames to camp mates.
- We did:
Jax -Venus
Claudia - Desert Fox
Katy - Maverick
John - Poo Bear
Paul - Scooter
Mollie - Digger
Lauren - Odyssey
Pete - The Artist Formally Known as Jack Rabbit Formally Known as Bald Eagle
3) Bill
- We stayed at a campsite in Bear Mountain operated by Bill. If you ask him what his last name is, his response will be, "Not important." He looked like Santa Clause's alternative universe twin with more pot belly and no jeer. 73 year old sketchy Santa shared a little about himself. "I got this far by being mean."
4) Think outside the box campfire dialogue and shenanigans
- The Artist Formally Known as Jack Rabbit Formally Known as Bald Eagle snuck out of the darkness wearing a hockey mask and holding a bloody ax. The only screamer was Desert Fox who later let out a high pitched cry after finding a spider in her tent. Interesting note, fear is unusual for this Jewish carnivorous breed.
- Tell your friends what product they would be. I was assigned Mrs. Butterworth which still perplexes me(even though...I do tan quite well. And my blood is made of syrup.)
5) Pick up $200 worth of BBQ to be eaten at campsite.
6) Props
- Decorate the site with a colorful banner of flags, bring a blow up monkey and a polka dot clown/ dunce hat to be worn by people who do stupid things. I wore it a lot. At one point, I wondered if Odyssey would get the hat if she got clumsy and fell in the bonfire. Would she have to wear it as she was being put in an ambulance? At her funeral? We came to the conclusion that if she "didn't make it"....the hat would sit upon her urn.
7) Not your grandma's alcoholic beverages
- Have you ever had a beer called Mountain Beer? You should because it claims to be "A very cool brew."
- From the cooler, Desert Fox presented a watermelon(wrapped in tin foil and easily mistaken for a severed head) that had been marinating in vodka and Malibu rum. Well received. VERY well received.
8) Sleep in an Eddie Bauer tent with built in sky dome.
- I saw the sky. And the sky saw me.
9) Chihuahua in an antebellum dress.
- The elderly couple in the RV next to our site came over to ask if we would leave our bottles for them to recycle. We suspected their true intention for the visit was to bring along their freakishly mellow chihuahua wearing a Scarlet O'Hara dress, pearl drop earrings and sunglasses. All beautifully accompanied with red painted nails.
10) On the way home, stop in City Island for seafood on an outside deck overlooking the water.
- Debbie the hostess gave us "the alleged" best table. Overlooking the parking lot.
According to the blog, "Stuff White People Like", American whities are universally smitten by expensive sandwiches, black music that black people don’t listen to anymore and vespas.
Also included in the list of Caucasian loves is camping.
Turns out to be true. Here's the deal. I've been feeling a little vulnerable the last few days. A relationship came to an end and I had one of 2 choices. Stay home and indulge in sullen aloofness or go camping with my friends. Yes, my white friends.
In one of my best decisions ever, I put myself on a bus to the wilderness to meet 8 people that I just adore. Bless their hearts....
It's been Jax tested. Should you feel in the doldrums, go camping immediately. However. You MUST include the following or I can't guarantee happiness:
1) Walkie Talkies
- We found it best to communicate with each other via walkie talkie. Very effective when the group was divided into 2 cars, at different places on our 10 mile hike through Minnewaska State Park and when we really wanted to drive a point home with the person next to us. Plus saying, "Roger", "Over" and referring to bikes as "boagies" is cool.
2) Assign nicknames to camp mates.
- We did:
Jax -Venus
Claudia - Desert Fox
Katy - Maverick
John - Poo Bear
Paul - Scooter
Mollie - Digger
Lauren - Odyssey
Pete - The Artist Formally Known as Jack Rabbit Formally Known as Bald Eagle
3) Bill
- We stayed at a campsite in Bear Mountain operated by Bill. If you ask him what his last name is, his response will be, "Not important." He looked like Santa Clause's alternative universe twin with more pot belly and no jeer. 73 year old sketchy Santa shared a little about himself. "I got this far by being mean."
4) Think outside the box campfire dialogue and shenanigans
- The Artist Formally Known as Jack Rabbit Formally Known as Bald Eagle snuck out of the darkness wearing a hockey mask and holding a bloody ax. The only screamer was Desert Fox who later let out a high pitched cry after finding a spider in her tent. Interesting note, fear is unusual for this Jewish carnivorous breed.
- Tell your friends what product they would be. I was assigned Mrs. Butterworth which still perplexes me(even though...I do tan quite well. And my blood is made of syrup.)
5) Pick up $200 worth of BBQ to be eaten at campsite.
6) Props
- Decorate the site with a colorful banner of flags, bring a blow up monkey and a polka dot clown/ dunce hat to be worn by people who do stupid things. I wore it a lot. At one point, I wondered if Odyssey would get the hat if she got clumsy and fell in the bonfire. Would she have to wear it as she was being put in an ambulance? At her funeral? We came to the conclusion that if she "didn't make it"....the hat would sit upon her urn.
7) Not your grandma's alcoholic beverages
- Have you ever had a beer called Mountain Beer? You should because it claims to be "A very cool brew."
- From the cooler, Desert Fox presented a watermelon(wrapped in tin foil and easily mistaken for a severed head) that had been marinating in vodka and Malibu rum. Well received. VERY well received.
8) Sleep in an Eddie Bauer tent with built in sky dome.
- I saw the sky. And the sky saw me.
9) Chihuahua in an antebellum dress.
- The elderly couple in the RV next to our site came over to ask if we would leave our bottles for them to recycle. We suspected their true intention for the visit was to bring along their freakishly mellow chihuahua wearing a Scarlet O'Hara dress, pearl drop earrings and sunglasses. All beautifully accompanied with red painted nails.
10) On the way home, stop in City Island for seafood on an outside deck overlooking the water.
- Debbie the hostess gave us "the alleged" best table. Overlooking the parking lot.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Day 357 - Ask Jax - Part 24
July 31st, 2010
This is the 24th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.
Why? - Emily Fitch, Charlotte, North Carolina
Jax's Answer - You did the right thing by coming to me with matters related to esotericism. I've been told (by myself) that I have a firm grasp on what might inspire reasons. Causes if you will. Let's look at history's most notable "Why?" I shall dissect the purpose.
In 1994, Olympic skater, Nancy Kerrigan, was captured on camera after being clubbed in the knee by Shane Stant at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, an attack planned by rival, Tonya Harding's ex-husband Jeff Gillooly and friend Shawn Eckardt. Post attack footage of Kerrigan wailing, "Why, why, why" swept the airways. So...soon after, we found out just WHY. As it turns out, Nancy Kerrigan was whiny and entitled all along. Plus, during a Disney parade, she called Mickey Mouse "corny." Needless to say, her snobbery resulted with a clubbing orchestrated by Donald and Goofy.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York
Jax's Answer - First off, audiences of forest animals like bears, raccoons and moose are known as "tough crowds" in comedy circles. However, if you're a comedian and your career has taken you to gigs in the woods...then it's safe to assume your jokes won't land anywhere.
What's with Noah and the keeping of the mosquito's? - Ken Miller, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Jax's Answer - Originally, Noah had no intentions of bringing the pesky mosquitoes along. However, the night before he set sail, he was getting high on the stern with the orangutans and developed a deep interest in eventually breeding a mosquito with a caribou...and breed a Caribou-quito. Also, little known fact, Noah, total douche.
This is the 24th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.
Why? - Emily Fitch, Charlotte, North Carolina
Jax's Answer - You did the right thing by coming to me with matters related to esotericism. I've been told (by myself) that I have a firm grasp on what might inspire reasons. Causes if you will. Let's look at history's most notable "Why?" I shall dissect the purpose.
In 1994, Olympic skater, Nancy Kerrigan, was captured on camera after being clubbed in the knee by Shane Stant at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, an attack planned by rival, Tonya Harding's ex-husband Jeff Gillooly and friend Shawn Eckardt. Post attack footage of Kerrigan wailing, "Why, why, why" swept the airways. So...soon after, we found out just WHY. As it turns out, Nancy Kerrigan was whiny and entitled all along. Plus, during a Disney parade, she called Mickey Mouse "corny." Needless to say, her snobbery resulted with a clubbing orchestrated by Donald and Goofy.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York
Jax's Answer - First off, audiences of forest animals like bears, raccoons and moose are known as "tough crowds" in comedy circles. However, if you're a comedian and your career has taken you to gigs in the woods...then it's safe to assume your jokes won't land anywhere.
What's with Noah and the keeping of the mosquito's? - Ken Miller, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Jax's Answer - Originally, Noah had no intentions of bringing the pesky mosquitoes along. However, the night before he set sail, he was getting high on the stern with the orangutans and developed a deep interest in eventually breeding a mosquito with a caribou...and breed a Caribou-quito. Also, little known fact, Noah, total douche.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Day 356 - Accountable, Not Accountable or Count von Count
July 30th, 2010
On day 158 of my 365 day blog challenge, I wrote an entry called “Jew, Not-a-Jew or Canadian?” I gave you scenarios and asked you which of these three categories the examples fell under.(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-158-jew-not-jew-or-canadian.html.) On day 166, I brought to you another list to test your knowledge of 3 interchangeable people: Bill O’Reilly, Kanye West and Mother Teresa. (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-166-bill-oreilly-kanye-west-or.html.) Determining if you were celebrating Passover, Easter or The Festival of Steve Guttenberg was where we journeyed on Day 235(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html.) And just because I was curious, on Day 243, I needed to know if you had the Fear of Failure, Abandonment or Zombies? (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-243-fear-of-failure-abandonment-or.html.) On day 253, I had you determine if you were suffering from penis panic, vagina fervor or Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo( http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-253-penis-panic-vagina-fervor-or.html)and on day 282, I proposed that you ask your soul if it comes from a place of Schadenfreude, Mudita or Indifference (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-282-schadenfreude-mudita-or.html) and on day 332, you admitted that you would most likely die from a heatwave, old age or douchebaggery(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/07/day-332-heatwave-old-age-or.html.)
Today, I'd like us to take responsibility for our words and actions. Self constructive criticism is no easy task...but my blog is a safe place. I've seen undesirable behavior in myself, people close to me and random strangers on the street. Let's own up to our behavior and admit if we glide(or pillage) through life as a person who is accountable, not accountable or Count von Count( often known simply as the The Count, vampire-like Muppet on "Sesame Street".)
- Your tendency not to own your actions and blame others for your own shortcomings has resulted with you being typed cast as "The Victim" in all the community theater plays.
- You're made of felt.
- You're Jerry Orbach (in "Dirty Dancing") apologizing to Johnny Castle when you realize you wrongly assumed Johnny was the one who got Penny pregnant. You fess up and admit, “When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong.”
- In high school, you were voted "Most likely to be responsible, answerable and liable."
- Your ex-ray shows that you have a human arm up your torso and a hand operating your mouth.
- You've been known to say, "I prefer to follow the moral codes of Hitler, Stalin and Hannibal Lecter."
- At your office, you ate your co worker's leftover Ziti al Forno from the Olive Garden. When asked if you were the perpetrator, you casually respond, "Oh yeah..that was me."
- You have a compulsive love of counting and will count anything and everything, regardless of size, amount or how much annoyance you cause others around you.
- Your Match.com profile says, I pride my self in my culinary skills, athletic abilities and making others feel like they're the ones that are crazy, lost, upset, confused and a litany of other emotions, when in actuality I'm the one who feels these emotions. Also, I love to para-sail!
On day 158 of my 365 day blog challenge, I wrote an entry called “Jew, Not-a-Jew or Canadian?” I gave you scenarios and asked you which of these three categories the examples fell under.(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-158-jew-not-jew-or-canadian.html.) On day 166, I brought to you another list to test your knowledge of 3 interchangeable people: Bill O’Reilly, Kanye West and Mother Teresa. (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-166-bill-oreilly-kanye-west-or.html.) Determining if you were celebrating Passover, Easter or The Festival of Steve Guttenberg was where we journeyed on Day 235(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html.) And just because I was curious, on Day 243, I needed to know if you had the Fear of Failure, Abandonment or Zombies? (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-243-fear-of-failure-abandonment-or.html.) On day 253, I had you determine if you were suffering from penis panic, vagina fervor or Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo( http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-253-penis-panic-vagina-fervor-or.html)and on day 282, I proposed that you ask your soul if it comes from a place of Schadenfreude, Mudita or Indifference (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-282-schadenfreude-mudita-or.html) and on day 332, you admitted that you would most likely die from a heatwave, old age or douchebaggery(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/07/day-332-heatwave-old-age-or.html.)
Today, I'd like us to take responsibility for our words and actions. Self constructive criticism is no easy task...but my blog is a safe place. I've seen undesirable behavior in myself, people close to me and random strangers on the street. Let's own up to our behavior and admit if we glide(or pillage) through life as a person who is accountable, not accountable or Count von Count( often known simply as the The Count, vampire-like Muppet on "Sesame Street".)
- Your tendency not to own your actions and blame others for your own shortcomings has resulted with you being typed cast as "The Victim" in all the community theater plays.
- You're made of felt.
- You're Jerry Orbach (in "Dirty Dancing") apologizing to Johnny Castle when you realize you wrongly assumed Johnny was the one who got Penny pregnant. You fess up and admit, “When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong.”
- In high school, you were voted "Most likely to be responsible, answerable and liable."
- Your ex-ray shows that you have a human arm up your torso and a hand operating your mouth.
- You've been known to say, "I prefer to follow the moral codes of Hitler, Stalin and Hannibal Lecter."
- At your office, you ate your co worker's leftover Ziti al Forno from the Olive Garden. When asked if you were the perpetrator, you casually respond, "Oh yeah..that was me."
- You have a compulsive love of counting and will count anything and everything, regardless of size, amount or how much annoyance you cause others around you.
- Your Match.com profile says, I pride my self in my culinary skills, athletic abilities and making others feel like they're the ones that are crazy, lost, upset, confused and a litany of other emotions, when in actuality I'm the one who feels these emotions. Also, I love to para-sail!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Day 355 - Hair-mony
July 29th, 2010
Location: Body hairs from the hairiest woman in the world are congregating at the shower drain.
(Eyebrow Hair and Nose Hair are tweezed and slide to the shower drain where Pubic Hair is waiting)
Pubic Hair - Hello Nose Hair. And Eyebrow Hair... haven't seen you since our unfortunate visit to the Ukrainian waxer.
Eyebrow Hair - That was traumatic! Afterward, I laid low with Root and Follicle before I came back to Body.
Pubic Hair - That's why I went to Brazil for 4-6 weeks.
Nose Hair - So sorry guys. Sounds tough. (pause) So Pubic Hair...why did you call a meeting of the hairs?
Pubic Hair - I met up with Ear Hair on some scissors the other day and he told me that he heard the "woman" is getting laser surgery.
(Eyebrow Hair and Nose Hair gasp)
Pubic Hair - Evidently she is not impressed with our recyclable powers and being confused for a man. Or an Ape. Here comes Toe Hair and Chest Hair. They already know what might go down. Or off..
(Toe Hair and Chest Hair join the hairs at the drain)
Toe Hair - Hairs! I will not stand for our permanent removal. It's not my fault she didn't win the genetic lottery.
Chest Hair - She needs us. We provide a layer of warmth that no winter coat can compete with! No coat!
Pubic Hair - Settle down hairs. It's important that we remain united. If not...we'll end up like them(points to Black Chin Hair and Gray Hair sliding to the group. Arguing)
Black Chin Hair - You're racist Gray Hair!
Gray Hair - I was born on Jim Crow's head. You can't teach an old hair new tricks.
(Black Chin Hair leans in to attack Gray Hair. He's held back by the Hairs)
Pubic Hair - Enough....we need to stick together.. .the "woman" has a 2pm appointment at TLC Laser Center.
(Black Chin Hair and Gray Hair become speechless and express concern)
Toe Hair - Is she planning on doing it from head to me?
Pubic Hair - Toe Hair, here's the information I have. The plan is to remove everything from the brow down. Head Hair is safe.
Nose Hair - Head Hair!? She's such a Bitch!
Chest Hair - Totally. .the "woman" unjustifiably regards Head Hair as the Ivy League of hairs.
(Leg Hair comes in laughing...not knowing of impending doom)
Leg Hair - So she shaved me with a cheap single blade Gillette plastic razor. I disappear for five minutes. What's the point? Seriously.
Gray Hair - Well don't get used to your hasty comebacks...we're being eliminated. Permanently.
Leg Hair - Laser? I thought Ear Hair was fucking with me.( starts to cry.)
Pubic Hair - Hairs, I am a Pubic Hair. Strong and wise. I have an escape plan. I had all of us congregate here at the drain because we're relocating to a place where we ALL are revered and can have a place to call our home. Forever.
Chest Hair - But where Pubic Hair? Where?
Pubic Hair - An ungroomed standard poodle.
Eyebrow Hair - Brilliant! But how do we make the pilgrimage to the dog?
Pubic Hair - This is how(he points to Ear Hair flying towards them while riding Handlebar Moustache Hair)
Nose Hair - Brilliant!
Pubic Hair - Handlebar Moustache Hair will now fly us away to where hairs can live together. In Hair-mony.
(While Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" plays in the background, all the hairs hop on Handlebar Moustache Hair and fly away to an upscale purebred doggie daycare.)
Location: Body hairs from the hairiest woman in the world are congregating at the shower drain.
(Eyebrow Hair and Nose Hair are tweezed and slide to the shower drain where Pubic Hair is waiting)
Pubic Hair - Hello Nose Hair. And Eyebrow Hair... haven't seen you since our unfortunate visit to the Ukrainian waxer.
Eyebrow Hair - That was traumatic! Afterward, I laid low with Root and Follicle before I came back to Body.
Pubic Hair - That's why I went to Brazil for 4-6 weeks.
Nose Hair - So sorry guys. Sounds tough. (pause) So Pubic Hair...why did you call a meeting of the hairs?
Pubic Hair - I met up with Ear Hair on some scissors the other day and he told me that he heard the "woman" is getting laser surgery.
(Eyebrow Hair and Nose Hair gasp)
Pubic Hair - Evidently she is not impressed with our recyclable powers and being confused for a man. Or an Ape. Here comes Toe Hair and Chest Hair. They already know what might go down. Or off..
(Toe Hair and Chest Hair join the hairs at the drain)
Toe Hair - Hairs! I will not stand for our permanent removal. It's not my fault she didn't win the genetic lottery.
Chest Hair - She needs us. We provide a layer of warmth that no winter coat can compete with! No coat!
Pubic Hair - Settle down hairs. It's important that we remain united. If not...we'll end up like them(points to Black Chin Hair and Gray Hair sliding to the group. Arguing)
Black Chin Hair - You're racist Gray Hair!
Gray Hair - I was born on Jim Crow's head. You can't teach an old hair new tricks.
(Black Chin Hair leans in to attack Gray Hair. He's held back by the Hairs)
Pubic Hair - Enough....we need to stick together.. .the "woman" has a 2pm appointment at TLC Laser Center.
(Black Chin Hair and Gray Hair become speechless and express concern)
Toe Hair - Is she planning on doing it from head to me?
Pubic Hair - Toe Hair, here's the information I have. The plan is to remove everything from the brow down. Head Hair is safe.
Nose Hair - Head Hair!? She's such a Bitch!
Chest Hair - Totally. .the "woman" unjustifiably regards Head Hair as the Ivy League of hairs.
(Leg Hair comes in laughing...not knowing of impending doom)
Leg Hair - So she shaved me with a cheap single blade Gillette plastic razor. I disappear for five minutes. What's the point? Seriously.
Gray Hair - Well don't get used to your hasty comebacks...we're being eliminated. Permanently.
Leg Hair - Laser? I thought Ear Hair was fucking with me.( starts to cry.)
Pubic Hair - Hairs, I am a Pubic Hair. Strong and wise. I have an escape plan. I had all of us congregate here at the drain because we're relocating to a place where we ALL are revered and can have a place to call our home. Forever.
Chest Hair - But where Pubic Hair? Where?
Pubic Hair - An ungroomed standard poodle.
Eyebrow Hair - Brilliant! But how do we make the pilgrimage to the dog?
Pubic Hair - This is how(he points to Ear Hair flying towards them while riding Handlebar Moustache Hair)
Nose Hair - Brilliant!
Pubic Hair - Handlebar Moustache Hair will now fly us away to where hairs can live together. In Hair-mony.
(While Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" plays in the background, all the hairs hop on Handlebar Moustache Hair and fly away to an upscale purebred doggie daycare.)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Day 354 - Sexbert
July 28th, 2010
THEY say that there are four key ingredients in becoming a competent sex therapist. You must:
- Become a therapist
- Specialize in sex therapy
- Get plenty of supervised training
- Get licensed in your field
I generally don't like refuting the wisdom of THEY, but I feel that there is really only one practical component to being a sexologist: You have had sex.
The majority of sex therapists that I have experienced on that television tube and magazine literature in the racks in the grocery store aisle would fall into the latter on the "Hot or Not" website.
I'm not saying that all sex therapists are virgins, I just don't want to picture them doing it. Feisty cultural icon in the 1980s, Dr Ruth Westheimer, brought us in the new age of franker, freer talk about sex on radio and television. The 4-foot-something spunky German claims that she "first had sexual intercourse on a starry night, in a haystack—without contraception." Didn't see that coming. Then there's the unfortunate fornicating mental image of "Sexpert", Jamie Bufalino, who writes the "Get Naked Column" in "Time Out New York". There's little to disprove that he is the lovechild of the 40 year old virgin and the guys I went to Hebrew school with.
Let's keep this simple y'all...The ONLY way to guarantee that your sex therapist has had sex is if they have a child, venereal disease or sex tape(think Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels, Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart, Dustin Diamond, Fred Durst, John Edwards, Amy Fisher, Tonya Harding, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Rob Lowe and my ex boyfriend.)
THEY say that there are four key ingredients in becoming a competent sex therapist. You must:
- Become a therapist
- Specialize in sex therapy
- Get plenty of supervised training
- Get licensed in your field
I generally don't like refuting the wisdom of THEY, but I feel that there is really only one practical component to being a sexologist: You have had sex.
The majority of sex therapists that I have experienced on that television tube and magazine literature in the racks in the grocery store aisle would fall into the latter on the "Hot or Not" website.
I'm not saying that all sex therapists are virgins, I just don't want to picture them doing it. Feisty cultural icon in the 1980s, Dr Ruth Westheimer, brought us in the new age of franker, freer talk about sex on radio and television. The 4-foot-something spunky German claims that she "first had sexual intercourse on a starry night, in a haystack—without contraception." Didn't see that coming. Then there's the unfortunate fornicating mental image of "Sexpert", Jamie Bufalino, who writes the "Get Naked Column" in "Time Out New York". There's little to disprove that he is the lovechild of the 40 year old virgin and the guys I went to Hebrew school with.
Let's keep this simple y'all...The ONLY way to guarantee that your sex therapist has had sex is if they have a child, venereal disease or sex tape(think Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels, Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart, Dustin Diamond, Fred Durst, John Edwards, Amy Fisher, Tonya Harding, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Rob Lowe and my ex boyfriend.)
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Day 353 - Little Bunny Fee Fee
July 27th, 2010
Check it:
Consumer Reports estimates that every year U.S. consumers pay at least $216 billion in financial fees. Let's break it down. Annually, each of us is paying $750 in miscellaneous fees.
After asking my readers to share some bizarre fees on goods and services, it turns out that we're not only being slapped in the face with cell phone bills, credit cards, internet service providers and airlines. Here's what I've learned:
- I still find it insane when I have to pay to use a public restrooms while abroad! Additionally, while in Turkey, I got charged for the use of condiments on our table at the resort I was staying at...salt and pepper I'm talkin! - Amy Kerner
- An Irish airline charges for the bathroom. - Nicole Abramovici
- McDonald's has their own tax called take-out tax. Look at your receipt. It ain't no couple pennies nothing neither. Every time you order to go or even to eat in. - Alexander V Moukarbel
I know. You're saying, "But Jax, all this service fee stuff is still so confusing to me. Please explain it to me. Gently."
Alright. Do you remember Little Bunny Foo Foo, a children's poem involving a rabbit harassing a population of field mice? Let's review:
Little bunny Foo Foo
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head
Down came the Good Fairy, and she said
"Little bunny Foo Foo
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head."
It turns out that L'il Bunny Foo Foo's frowned upon behavior has spiraled even further and he's changed his name to Little Bunny Fee Fee. The once rather innocent poem now has some disturbing subtext.
Little bunny Fee Fee
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head(and telling the mice that if they fly internationally on American, British Airways, Continental, Delta, United, US Airways and Virgin Atlantic, they'll be paying $60 to check a second bag.)
Down came the Good Fairy, and she said
"Little bunny Fee Fee
I don't want to see you( charging $36.95 should the mice choose to e- file their taxes on TurboTax. and...)
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head( by advertising free texts if they're not on an unlimited plan. When in reality, mice end up paying $0.15 every time they send or receive a text.)
Heads up: I'll be imposing a $15 charge for reading my blog. $45 should you reread it.
Check it:
Consumer Reports estimates that every year U.S. consumers pay at least $216 billion in financial fees. Let's break it down. Annually, each of us is paying $750 in miscellaneous fees.
After asking my readers to share some bizarre fees on goods and services, it turns out that we're not only being slapped in the face with cell phone bills, credit cards, internet service providers and airlines. Here's what I've learned:
- I still find it insane when I have to pay to use a public restrooms while abroad! Additionally, while in Turkey, I got charged for the use of condiments on our table at the resort I was staying at...salt and pepper I'm talkin! - Amy Kerner
- An Irish airline charges for the bathroom. - Nicole Abramovici
- McDonald's has their own tax called take-out tax. Look at your receipt. It ain't no couple pennies nothing neither. Every time you order to go or even to eat in. - Alexander V Moukarbel
I know. You're saying, "But Jax, all this service fee stuff is still so confusing to me. Please explain it to me. Gently."
Alright. Do you remember Little Bunny Foo Foo, a children's poem involving a rabbit harassing a population of field mice? Let's review:
Little bunny Foo Foo
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head
Down came the Good Fairy, and she said
"Little bunny Foo Foo
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head."
It turns out that L'il Bunny Foo Foo's frowned upon behavior has spiraled even further and he's changed his name to Little Bunny Fee Fee. The once rather innocent poem now has some disturbing subtext.
Little bunny Fee Fee
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head(and telling the mice that if they fly internationally on American, British Airways, Continental, Delta, United, US Airways and Virgin Atlantic, they'll be paying $60 to check a second bag.)
Down came the Good Fairy, and she said
"Little bunny Fee Fee
I don't want to see you( charging $36.95 should the mice choose to e- file their taxes on TurboTax. and...)
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head( by advertising free texts if they're not on an unlimited plan. When in reality, mice end up paying $0.15 every time they send or receive a text.)
Heads up: I'll be imposing a $15 charge for reading my blog. $45 should you reread it.
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