April 7th, 2010
This is the 8th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.
Dear Jax: Please reconcile the following paradox: Pinocchio’s nose only grows when he lies. If he says "my nose will now grow" and it grows, then he wasn't lying. If his nose doesn't grow, then he is lying... but shouldn't his nose grow? Please help as this issue has made me incontinent for days.
- Matt Schwarz, Winston Salem, North Carolina.
Jax’s Answer – Matt, yes indeed, this inconstancy has perplexed fairytale historians for years. Luckily I can shed some insight because I dated Pinocchio briefly in 1883. First let me say that P’s elderly, impoverished woodcarving creator, Geppetto, never approved of our union. I was a live person and he was a fictional character. I celebrated Hanukkah and Pinocchio partook in Kwanzaa rituals. I ate meat and he was…vegan. A little self righteous in fact. Pinocchio suffered from FNS. Flaccid Nose Syndrome. The stress and fatigue of being a lead character in a bestselling fairy tale was the catalyst for much angst that resulted with performance anxiety. His nose would lose momentum before he could blow it. Devastating. This segued into a psychological disorder that lead him to interpret all truths as lies and all lies as truths. My puppet began a mental spiral. Downward. Then his nose just gave out on him. At first we were able to overcome the strain this caused our relationship because of open and honest communication. Once that dissipated, I felt it was best to move on and date other little boys from fairy tales like Peterpan, Little Boy Blew and Hansel. I also had a brief lesbian stint. With Gretel.
Do you think someone's personality can be determined by the direction that they choose to put a toilet paper roll on the holder? I know some people prefer it to be "over" and some "under".
- Pamela Mohr Weinstein, New York, New York
Jax’s answer: From what I’ve not thoroughly researched in the toilet paper annals (ironic..yes), there are perceived stereotypes claiming that a person’s over/under preference determines their character. Real or perceived generalizations tell us that straight-lacers are uppers and free spirits are downers. I propose a challenge: Step out of your comfort zone and do the opposite the next time you change your toilet paper. Your ability to overcome the familiar will be conscience altering and create a sense of well being and calm. You will leave your toilet knowing that it is possible to create a world where unders and overs live together. In harmony. Wiping in unison. Without judgment.
Where's the restroom? - Ken Miller, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Jax’s answer -Sorry. Restrooms are for customers only. If you buy a casket, the bathroom is the second door on the left. Past the urns.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Day 241 - Spring. I'm Ready to Put Out
April 6th, 2010
Dearest Spring,
I write to you with an open heart, soul and willingness to embrace all that makes you so powerful, vulnerable and giving. Your gentle nurturing warmth has heightened my senses, melted the frozen stream of my heart and made me keenly aware that I am capable, ready and deserving of all you represent: Rebirth. Renewal. Growth.
You’ve crossed my path so many times before and I never looked at you the way I see you now. Sometimes what you’re looking for is right in front of you. Too cliché? Bad time to say,” I couldn't love a season until I loved myself?”
Thank you for waiting for me. My soul needed to experience the pivotal lessons of seasons past before I could open myself up to you. Yes, Summer burned me. Literally. I regret not applying SPF on Bastille Day. Unfortunately, my beret (that read, “My parents went to Champs-Élysée and all I got was this stupid beret”) didn’t block out the intensity of Summer’s brutally direct ultraviolet rays. Afterward, I sought the comfort of Fall and we had a short...intense run. I was undeniably touched by its depth, awareness and what it could do with autumn produce. Although I saw its beauty with the changing of the leaves, I couldn’t ignore that it had a mean streak and a short fuse that often resulted in the most unpleasant bursts of anger that would penetrate my thinly veiled being. At first I was angered and felt its darkness discredited its beauty. But then I came to terms that Fall was on its own journey. I can imagine it’s hard to have your season’s trees rolled with toilet paper every Halloween. Traumatic indeed. I moved on and hibernated with Winter for a short time. At first it felt comforting. But I am woman of the people, and only absorbing the energy of one tormented season of short days began to debilitate me. Although Winter was successful and performed blizzards all over the world, I felt trapped and my soul began to freeze and was no longer in sync with my life force. In addition, it came to my attention that Winter suffered from Hot Toddy-ism. I possess the compassion to stand by my seasons… but not when they’re mean drunks. It was devastating to leave Winter because I knew that I would knowingly be leaving one pain and walking into another. The depths of my soul were tested when I crawled through the frigid air, wintry mixes of precipitations and poorly sung Christmas carols.
I am not angry with the seasons of my past. I trust that they’re doing the best they can. Besides, they can’t control their proximity to the sun.
Sweet Spring, I’m aware that it does frighten us both to love gain. I know you have had despair in your past. We all remember what you endured during the blizzard of March’93. But you shook hands with your pain. The most noble of abilities. Saints sink. And rise again. Now you are strong, kind and steady (with the help of your global warming meds.)
Please know that I see how you look at me and your authentic calmness ignites an impulse of light into my being.
Thank you.
Nothing can express my sentiments better than the popular 1986 prom theme song by song Gloria Loring & Carl Anderson .
'cause I'll be your friend
And I'll be your lover
Well, I know in our hearts we agree
We don't have to be one or the other
XOXO
Jax
Dearest Spring,
I write to you with an open heart, soul and willingness to embrace all that makes you so powerful, vulnerable and giving. Your gentle nurturing warmth has heightened my senses, melted the frozen stream of my heart and made me keenly aware that I am capable, ready and deserving of all you represent: Rebirth. Renewal. Growth.
You’ve crossed my path so many times before and I never looked at you the way I see you now. Sometimes what you’re looking for is right in front of you. Too cliché? Bad time to say,” I couldn't love a season until I loved myself?”
Thank you for waiting for me. My soul needed to experience the pivotal lessons of seasons past before I could open myself up to you. Yes, Summer burned me. Literally. I regret not applying SPF on Bastille Day. Unfortunately, my beret (that read, “My parents went to Champs-Élysée and all I got was this stupid beret”) didn’t block out the intensity of Summer’s brutally direct ultraviolet rays. Afterward, I sought the comfort of Fall and we had a short...intense run. I was undeniably touched by its depth, awareness and what it could do with autumn produce. Although I saw its beauty with the changing of the leaves, I couldn’t ignore that it had a mean streak and a short fuse that often resulted in the most unpleasant bursts of anger that would penetrate my thinly veiled being. At first I was angered and felt its darkness discredited its beauty. But then I came to terms that Fall was on its own journey. I can imagine it’s hard to have your season’s trees rolled with toilet paper every Halloween. Traumatic indeed. I moved on and hibernated with Winter for a short time. At first it felt comforting. But I am woman of the people, and only absorbing the energy of one tormented season of short days began to debilitate me. Although Winter was successful and performed blizzards all over the world, I felt trapped and my soul began to freeze and was no longer in sync with my life force. In addition, it came to my attention that Winter suffered from Hot Toddy-ism. I possess the compassion to stand by my seasons… but not when they’re mean drunks. It was devastating to leave Winter because I knew that I would knowingly be leaving one pain and walking into another. The depths of my soul were tested when I crawled through the frigid air, wintry mixes of precipitations and poorly sung Christmas carols.
I am not angry with the seasons of my past. I trust that they’re doing the best they can. Besides, they can’t control their proximity to the sun.
Sweet Spring, I’m aware that it does frighten us both to love gain. I know you have had despair in your past. We all remember what you endured during the blizzard of March’93. But you shook hands with your pain. The most noble of abilities. Saints sink. And rise again. Now you are strong, kind and steady (with the help of your global warming meds.)
Please know that I see how you look at me and your authentic calmness ignites an impulse of light into my being.
Thank you.
Nothing can express my sentiments better than the popular 1986 prom theme song by song Gloria Loring & Carl Anderson .
'cause I'll be your friend
And I'll be your lover
Well, I know in our hearts we agree
We don't have to be one or the other
XOXO
Jax
Monday, April 5, 2010
Day 240 - Male PMS. It's Real
April 5th, 2010
On day 179, I introduced male readers to “Jax’s Safety Guide for Men to Protect Themselves from Women with PMS” in an entry entitled “PMS – Natures Most Unforgiving Natural Disaster.” http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-179-pms-natures-most-unforgiving.html. I sympathized with the plight of what a man must endure the week before their lady is visited by Flowy McRubyred.
Since my aim is to present issues that are fair and balanced in my skewed interpretation of journalism, I bring forth the notion that male PMS is also real. Why? Because my favorite discredited source, Urban Dictionary, delivers, as always, a convincing sample sentence that is simply impossible to refute.
“Steer clear of Hans today, man--must be a case of male PMS.”
Often called Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS), male PMS can be the cause of mood swings, anxiety and stomach cramps. Much like an earthquake, this ailment can present much further danger than the female equivalent because it can sneak up at any time. ANY TIME. Except during morning sex.
Ladies, I urge you to protect yourselves should you be in danger of the frightening and destructive effects of male PMS. It’s best to familiarize yourself with my online pamphlet:
“Jax’s Safety Guide for Women to Protect Themselves from Men with PMS”:
• Take cover under a sturdy desk, stay away from windows and cover your eyes with a sleeping mask because there is a strong chance that the man might be wearing cut-off jean shorts. It is essential that you do not see these. You will go blind. And turn to stone. Be prepared as the man might react negatively by describing his bowel movements. And scratching his balls. In public.
• If you are in a car and your guy unexpectedly shows the symptoms of male PMS, exit the vehicle immediately and run to the nearest "Today’s Man”. This low end menswear store (made with fibers from Formally Known as Pluto) is like kryptonite to anyone with testosterone.
• The male often tries to lure a woman out of hiding by suggesting that they read “Eat Pray Love”, watch Oprah” and talk about their feelings over a cup of General Foods International Coffee. Vienna Blend. This is a ploy. He will simply go on a rampage arguing the benefits of keeping the toilet seat up. Then scratch his balls.
• Know emergency telephone numbers. There is a chance that you can survive his frenzied behavior if you are advised by his mom, spiritual adviser or mistress.
• Lessen his force by suggesting that he watch “Reservoir Dogs”, eat beef jerky and saying , “You know.. even though you say you’re 7 1/2 inches. I’m gonna go with 8.” This protective mechanism will most likely be the voice of reason and alleviate a man’s hypersensitivity. If he scratches just one ball…preferably the left one, you are no longer on high terror alert. The storm is passing.
On day 179, I introduced male readers to “Jax’s Safety Guide for Men to Protect Themselves from Women with PMS” in an entry entitled “PMS – Natures Most Unforgiving Natural Disaster.” http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-179-pms-natures-most-unforgiving.html. I sympathized with the plight of what a man must endure the week before their lady is visited by Flowy McRubyred.
Since my aim is to present issues that are fair and balanced in my skewed interpretation of journalism, I bring forth the notion that male PMS is also real. Why? Because my favorite discredited source, Urban Dictionary, delivers, as always, a convincing sample sentence that is simply impossible to refute.
“Steer clear of Hans today, man--must be a case of male PMS.”
Often called Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS), male PMS can be the cause of mood swings, anxiety and stomach cramps. Much like an earthquake, this ailment can present much further danger than the female equivalent because it can sneak up at any time. ANY TIME. Except during morning sex.
Ladies, I urge you to protect yourselves should you be in danger of the frightening and destructive effects of male PMS. It’s best to familiarize yourself with my online pamphlet:
“Jax’s Safety Guide for Women to Protect Themselves from Men with PMS”:
• Take cover under a sturdy desk, stay away from windows and cover your eyes with a sleeping mask because there is a strong chance that the man might be wearing cut-off jean shorts. It is essential that you do not see these. You will go blind. And turn to stone. Be prepared as the man might react negatively by describing his bowel movements. And scratching his balls. In public.
• If you are in a car and your guy unexpectedly shows the symptoms of male PMS, exit the vehicle immediately and run to the nearest "Today’s Man”. This low end menswear store (made with fibers from Formally Known as Pluto) is like kryptonite to anyone with testosterone.
• The male often tries to lure a woman out of hiding by suggesting that they read “Eat Pray Love”, watch Oprah” and talk about their feelings over a cup of General Foods International Coffee. Vienna Blend. This is a ploy. He will simply go on a rampage arguing the benefits of keeping the toilet seat up. Then scratch his balls.
• Know emergency telephone numbers. There is a chance that you can survive his frenzied behavior if you are advised by his mom, spiritual adviser or mistress.
• Lessen his force by suggesting that he watch “Reservoir Dogs”, eat beef jerky and saying , “You know.. even though you say you’re 7 1/2 inches. I’m gonna go with 8.” This protective mechanism will most likely be the voice of reason and alleviate a man’s hypersensitivity. If he scratches just one ball…preferably the left one, you are no longer on high terror alert. The storm is passing.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Day 239 - “How to Resurrect” – by Jesus H. Christ
April 4th, 2010
The critics all agree.
“Jesus has done it again! Carpenter, Philanthropist, Omnipotent being. And now author!”
“Finally an easy ‘how to’ guide that will have you resurrecting in no time! If you liked Judas’s critically acclaimed ‘Trader. Liar. Friend’...this book’s for you!”
“This guy makes stigmata look sexy.”
It only seems fitting that Jesus’ long awaited novel, “How to Resurrect”, has hit the bookshelves on this Easter Sunday.
Here are some of Christ's excerpts from this sure to be bestseller:
• “Timing is key. Don’t resurrect too soon or you’ll give off the impression that you’re trying too hard. On the flip side, don’t wait too long or you’ll risk the chance of being forgotten and replaced by the new ‘It’ entity. I had no interest in making my comeback and hearing, 'Oh. I think that’s that Jesus guy. Didn’t shower much. I still suspect he took a piss on my lawn.’ Give yourself the weekend before you make the grand return. Take a ‘me’ day. You deserve it. That’s what I did. It was a great opportunity to do some cardio to burn off my high caloric Last Supper meal, catch up on Season 3 of ‘24’ and get a pedicure. Please, just turn off the Blackberry.”
• Details Details Details. You’ll be returning from the afterlife so it’s essential that you take the time to rehearse your entrance, up your confidence and practice your gliding capabilities. Take a continuing education class in public speaking to jump start your self-esteem. It’s crucial that you assure yourself that you've got something to say. And people (well, yeah… Christians at least) will be listening. Getting a new, fresh and cool outfit and haircut is highly recommended. Stay away from boring solid colored robes. That’s so B.C. Hint: This spring, J.Crew offers a wide array of robes. Choices include: Electric pink, paisley and ducks.
• Now you’re ready for your flashy (yet tastefully elegant) and memorable resurrection that is sure to scream, ‘Hey, you. I AM the central figure of the Christian faith. Dog.” Hire an apostle to announce your name, work the spotlight and play “Eye of the Tiger” as you make your unforgettable entrance. Strut down the aisle, slap hands with your followers and give an evil ‘I told you so’ glance to the nonbelievers. Shoot them the finger to drive the point home. Find a good place where everyone can see and hear you. First pose. Then say, ‘As you would that men would do to you, do ye also to them likewise.’ Pose again. Then demand a beer.
The critics all agree.
“Jesus has done it again! Carpenter, Philanthropist, Omnipotent being. And now author!”
“Finally an easy ‘how to’ guide that will have you resurrecting in no time! If you liked Judas’s critically acclaimed ‘Trader. Liar. Friend’...this book’s for you!”
“This guy makes stigmata look sexy.”
It only seems fitting that Jesus’ long awaited novel, “How to Resurrect”, has hit the bookshelves on this Easter Sunday.
Here are some of Christ's excerpts from this sure to be bestseller:
• “Timing is key. Don’t resurrect too soon or you’ll give off the impression that you’re trying too hard. On the flip side, don’t wait too long or you’ll risk the chance of being forgotten and replaced by the new ‘It’ entity. I had no interest in making my comeback and hearing, 'Oh. I think that’s that Jesus guy. Didn’t shower much. I still suspect he took a piss on my lawn.’ Give yourself the weekend before you make the grand return. Take a ‘me’ day. You deserve it. That’s what I did. It was a great opportunity to do some cardio to burn off my high caloric Last Supper meal, catch up on Season 3 of ‘24’ and get a pedicure. Please, just turn off the Blackberry.”
• Details Details Details. You’ll be returning from the afterlife so it’s essential that you take the time to rehearse your entrance, up your confidence and practice your gliding capabilities. Take a continuing education class in public speaking to jump start your self-esteem. It’s crucial that you assure yourself that you've got something to say. And people (well, yeah… Christians at least) will be listening. Getting a new, fresh and cool outfit and haircut is highly recommended. Stay away from boring solid colored robes. That’s so B.C. Hint: This spring, J.Crew offers a wide array of robes. Choices include: Electric pink, paisley and ducks.
• Now you’re ready for your flashy (yet tastefully elegant) and memorable resurrection that is sure to scream, ‘Hey, you. I AM the central figure of the Christian faith. Dog.” Hire an apostle to announce your name, work the spotlight and play “Eye of the Tiger” as you make your unforgettable entrance. Strut down the aisle, slap hands with your followers and give an evil ‘I told you so’ glance to the nonbelievers. Shoot them the finger to drive the point home. Find a good place where everyone can see and hear you. First pose. Then say, ‘As you would that men would do to you, do ye also to them likewise.’ Pose again. Then demand a beer.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Day 238 - Teeth. And Why you Need Them
April 3rd, 2010
This morning I was having my morning coffee with my neighbor who has become a good friend. This is now a morning ritual where I have become that woman celebrating the moments of her life over a cup of General Mills International Coffee. The Vienna Blend.
We sat in the sun on her balcony as she was telling me about last night’s date. She met this guy online and felt that he was promising enough to meet for a drink. Although this man of the interweb did end up piquing her interest to a kind of above average degree, there was one unbearable Red Flag-apalooza : Missing tooth. A front one, a rather pertinent member of the dentature family. “Jax, he had a mouth of a dragon.”
I would imagine that an online dating seeker should be weary of profile pictures of people with a concealed mouth. There’s the possibility that what lies behind the lips could cause distress and be offensive to view. The same could be said should we choose to date our hostage whose mouth is duct taped shut. In our basement.
In my friend’s case, she can't imagine getting intimate with a mangled orifice. She needs a respectable mouth to take home to the family. Seems fair. Besides there are other inarguable benefits to having teeth. All of them.
• It shows that you take a certain amount of care when it comes to your physical appearance.
• Not taking proper care of your teeth greatly increases the risk of gingivitis, halitosis and you’re much more likely to transmit disease-causing bacteria to others and yourself. The same bacteria that causes gum disease can spread to other parts of your body and increase your risk of a heart attack, stroke and diabetes.
• The Tooth Fairy shouldn’t be required to visit anyone after puberty. And come on…like she’s not busy enough. She Tooth fairies at night. And strips during the day.
In an effort to make a 180 on day 238, let’s delve deep into the oral cavity and uncover the possible benefits of being one tooth less of someone we would want to sleep with.
• Your employment check is not spent on toothbrushes, floss and Crest Whitening Strips. No more “It hurts that means its working Listerine.”
• People assume you’re a bum, feel sorry for you and give you a lot of nickels.
• No teeth could up your marketability should you have a career in porn. Just ask the stars of “Saturday Night Beaver”, “Honey, I Blew...Everybody" and “Honey, I Blew...Everybody…Again”.
Here’s the deal. I am a teeth girl. I like them. I want you to have them. And not just because I enjoy seeing my reflection in someone’s stunning set of calcified, white structures residing in their jaws.
Paleontologists say teeth are among the most long-lasting features of the mammal species. They’re found in fossils that date back hundreds of millions of years. And you can’t hold onto them for 1 lifetime? That’s just sloppy.
Guys, it’s unfair of me to cast an opinion about your ability to cope with females who are unfamiliar with the world of orthodontics. But women like their man’s teeth to be the epitome of glorious beauty and splendor. Then we can learn to live with his 3 inch penis.
This morning I was having my morning coffee with my neighbor who has become a good friend. This is now a morning ritual where I have become that woman celebrating the moments of her life over a cup of General Mills International Coffee. The Vienna Blend.
We sat in the sun on her balcony as she was telling me about last night’s date. She met this guy online and felt that he was promising enough to meet for a drink. Although this man of the interweb did end up piquing her interest to a kind of above average degree, there was one unbearable Red Flag-apalooza : Missing tooth. A front one, a rather pertinent member of the dentature family. “Jax, he had a mouth of a dragon.”
I would imagine that an online dating seeker should be weary of profile pictures of people with a concealed mouth. There’s the possibility that what lies behind the lips could cause distress and be offensive to view. The same could be said should we choose to date our hostage whose mouth is duct taped shut. In our basement.
In my friend’s case, she can't imagine getting intimate with a mangled orifice. She needs a respectable mouth to take home to the family. Seems fair. Besides there are other inarguable benefits to having teeth. All of them.
• It shows that you take a certain amount of care when it comes to your physical appearance.
• Not taking proper care of your teeth greatly increases the risk of gingivitis, halitosis and you’re much more likely to transmit disease-causing bacteria to others and yourself. The same bacteria that causes gum disease can spread to other parts of your body and increase your risk of a heart attack, stroke and diabetes.
• The Tooth Fairy shouldn’t be required to visit anyone after puberty. And come on…like she’s not busy enough. She Tooth fairies at night. And strips during the day.
In an effort to make a 180 on day 238, let’s delve deep into the oral cavity and uncover the possible benefits of being one tooth less of someone we would want to sleep with.
• Your employment check is not spent on toothbrushes, floss and Crest Whitening Strips. No more “It hurts that means its working Listerine.”
• People assume you’re a bum, feel sorry for you and give you a lot of nickels.
• No teeth could up your marketability should you have a career in porn. Just ask the stars of “Saturday Night Beaver”, “Honey, I Blew...Everybody" and “Honey, I Blew...Everybody…Again”.
Here’s the deal. I am a teeth girl. I like them. I want you to have them. And not just because I enjoy seeing my reflection in someone’s stunning set of calcified, white structures residing in their jaws.
Paleontologists say teeth are among the most long-lasting features of the mammal species. They’re found in fossils that date back hundreds of millions of years. And you can’t hold onto them for 1 lifetime? That’s just sloppy.
Guys, it’s unfair of me to cast an opinion about your ability to cope with females who are unfamiliar with the world of orthodontics. But women like their man’s teeth to be the epitome of glorious beauty and splendor. Then we can learn to live with his 3 inch penis.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Day 237 - Ask Jax - Part 7
April 2nd, 2010
This is the 7th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.
Will Steve Guttenberg ever win an Oscar? - Dara Podber Albright, Atlanta, Georgia
Jax’s Answer: I loathe being the messenger of dread and sorrow… but Steve Guttenberg is fated to forever leave the Academy Awards Oscarless. If he’s even invited. It’s simply impossible for him to repeat the effects and nuanced grace of his performance in “Short Circuit”. Failed actors turned movie critics for small town newspapers in red states all agree that Mr.Guttenberg simply lost himself in this brave, stirring and tremendously dignified performance.“As scientist Newton Crosby, he delivered lines that left no one with a dry eye:
- “Howard it's hard to say, it's malfunctioning, it may not do anything.”
- “I don't know; I guess it can't triangulate its position.”
- “No, what?”
It pains me to deliver an unsettling answer. If I can extend any solace to you sweet Dana, know that Guttenberg has won an Oscar. In my heart.
Is cat urine love or spite? Neil James, Brooklyn, New York.
Jax's Answer: It depends on the circumstances. If the cat uses the litter box and covers the liquid waste in the shape of a heart, then you are loved. Bonus if kitty can write you a message with her urine. For example, “Neil, you’re tops! You know how to pamper a pussy.” Be aware that you are deeply spited when your cat pisses on the faces of burly white gay men. Known as “Bears” in some circles. What? You fit that description. Your cat is uncool. And homophobic. 3 words: Feline tolerance camp. Stat.
I'm frying up a whole chicken tonight. I hear peanut oil is best, but I have an allergy! Help! - Jon Reitzes, Brooklyn, New York
Jax’s Answer. Preparing this delicacy to precision doesn’t lie with the oil. It’s the chicken. Or so called chicken. KFC knows how to deliver fried chicken-licious goodness. Use a "genetically manipulated organism". Substitute chicken with biological entities that have been altered using scientific engineering techniques. Your family is sure to approve. And your 4 year old will grow breasts. (This post has been endorsed by my pasty angry vegan following. Both of them.)
This is the 7th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.
Will Steve Guttenberg ever win an Oscar? - Dara Podber Albright, Atlanta, Georgia
Jax’s Answer: I loathe being the messenger of dread and sorrow… but Steve Guttenberg is fated to forever leave the Academy Awards Oscarless. If he’s even invited. It’s simply impossible for him to repeat the effects and nuanced grace of his performance in “Short Circuit”. Failed actors turned movie critics for small town newspapers in red states all agree that Mr.Guttenberg simply lost himself in this brave, stirring and tremendously dignified performance.“As scientist Newton Crosby, he delivered lines that left no one with a dry eye:
- “Howard it's hard to say, it's malfunctioning, it may not do anything.”
- “I don't know; I guess it can't triangulate its position.”
- “No, what?”
It pains me to deliver an unsettling answer. If I can extend any solace to you sweet Dana, know that Guttenberg has won an Oscar. In my heart.
Is cat urine love or spite? Neil James, Brooklyn, New York.
Jax's Answer: It depends on the circumstances. If the cat uses the litter box and covers the liquid waste in the shape of a heart, then you are loved. Bonus if kitty can write you a message with her urine. For example, “Neil, you’re tops! You know how to pamper a pussy.” Be aware that you are deeply spited when your cat pisses on the faces of burly white gay men. Known as “Bears” in some circles. What? You fit that description. Your cat is uncool. And homophobic. 3 words: Feline tolerance camp. Stat.
I'm frying up a whole chicken tonight. I hear peanut oil is best, but I have an allergy! Help! - Jon Reitzes, Brooklyn, New York
Jax’s Answer. Preparing this delicacy to precision doesn’t lie with the oil. It’s the chicken. Or so called chicken. KFC knows how to deliver fried chicken-licious goodness. Use a "genetically manipulated organism". Substitute chicken with biological entities that have been altered using scientific engineering techniques. Your family is sure to approve. And your 4 year old will grow breasts. (This post has been endorsed by my pasty angry vegan following. Both of them.)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Day 236 - April Fools Joke = Justifiable Emotional Abuse?
April 1st, 2010
Taco Bell has announced that they have purchased the Liberty Bell from the city of Philadelphia and they will be changing the name to the “Taco Liberty Bell”.
April Fools y’all!
I’m awesome.
On April 1st, 1996, Taco Bell took out a full page ad in the “New York Time’s" (and six other leading U.S. newspapers) announcing that they had purchased the Liberty Bell to "reduce the country's debt" and renamed it the "Taco Liberty Bell".
Thousands of people protested before the deception was revealed at noon on April 1st. Taco Bell sales shot up half a million dollars the first week of April.
The spork friendly chain restaurant (that squirts sour cream out of an abnormally grandiose piece of metal machinery) was successful in pulling off this elaborate hoax.
Was it admirable? Or mean? Let’s go with # 2.
Often the purpose of partaking in an April Fools “joke” is a justifiable excuse to take an action (usually layered with conscious or subconscious malicious intent) that could leave the recipient feeling confusion, anger and distress.
You know what else has the same affect? Emotional abuse. If a=b and b=c then April Fools jokes = Emotional abuse.
Here’s why:
• April Fools pranks and emotional abuse can both be subtle. An effective April Fools hoax is telling your fiancé, “I still have flashbacks from being stuck in a well.” The subtlety is achieved when delivering the news in a causal scenario. Like at your wedding.
• Emotional abusers isolate you so you're reliant on them. The abuser discourages you from spending time with friends and family. On April 1st, be careful when someone tells you that he/she has planned a crab bake with all your friends and family. Just to celebrate you…then they exclaim, “April Fools Day mother fucker! Now make me a sandwich!”
• Often the abuser won’t acknowledge your value or worth. They degrade, insult, ridicule, yell, swear or publicly humiliate you. Every day is April 1st to Bill O'Reilly.
So, please, steer away from April Fools jokes like the following:
- Don’t tell people that Facebook is going away.
- Don’t pay the “New York Times to create a false headline that reads, “World War III. Underway!”
- Don’t tell your child that he is adopted…when you just stole him.
You’ll just be hurting people. And yourself.
Taco Bell has announced that they have purchased the Liberty Bell from the city of Philadelphia and they will be changing the name to the “Taco Liberty Bell”.
April Fools y’all!
I’m awesome.
On April 1st, 1996, Taco Bell took out a full page ad in the “New York Time’s" (and six other leading U.S. newspapers) announcing that they had purchased the Liberty Bell to "reduce the country's debt" and renamed it the "Taco Liberty Bell".
Thousands of people protested before the deception was revealed at noon on April 1st. Taco Bell sales shot up half a million dollars the first week of April.
The spork friendly chain restaurant (that squirts sour cream out of an abnormally grandiose piece of metal machinery) was successful in pulling off this elaborate hoax.
Was it admirable? Or mean? Let’s go with # 2.
Often the purpose of partaking in an April Fools “joke” is a justifiable excuse to take an action (usually layered with conscious or subconscious malicious intent) that could leave the recipient feeling confusion, anger and distress.
You know what else has the same affect? Emotional abuse. If a=b and b=c then April Fools jokes = Emotional abuse.
Here’s why:
• April Fools pranks and emotional abuse can both be subtle. An effective April Fools hoax is telling your fiancé, “I still have flashbacks from being stuck in a well.” The subtlety is achieved when delivering the news in a causal scenario. Like at your wedding.
• Emotional abusers isolate you so you're reliant on them. The abuser discourages you from spending time with friends and family. On April 1st, be careful when someone tells you that he/she has planned a crab bake with all your friends and family. Just to celebrate you…then they exclaim, “April Fools Day mother fucker! Now make me a sandwich!”
• Often the abuser won’t acknowledge your value or worth. They degrade, insult, ridicule, yell, swear or publicly humiliate you. Every day is April 1st to Bill O'Reilly.
So, please, steer away from April Fools jokes like the following:
- Don’t tell people that Facebook is going away.
- Don’t pay the “New York Times to create a false headline that reads, “World War III. Underway!”
- Don’t tell your child that he is adopted…when you just stole him.
You’ll just be hurting people. And yourself.
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