November 7th, 2009
If A = B and B=C then A=C. Impressed? Oh you want to one up me with breaking down the Pythagorean Theorem. Please. Who doesn’t know that in any right triangle, the area of the square whose side is the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the areas of the squares whose sides are the two legs? I just touché’d myself. Oh…Don’t. Don’t you dare go Binomial Theorem on my ass with your (a + b)5 = a5 + 5a4b + 10a3b2 + 10a2b3 + 5ab4 + b5. Sigh.. I have grown tired of our math-off. Wanna memorize the periodic table? You remind me of something that rhymes with boron.
Readers, this is the first time that I have revisited math and science since wondering how these subjects would benefit me in my more mature years. My high school teachers should have just told me that I would revisit these subjects on day 91 of my 365 day blog entry challenge. There are so many classes that should have been part of our budding mind and body years. I certainly could have gained useful insight with classes like Managing Personal Finances, How Men and Women Are Different and How Hot Tubbing Can Result in Pregnancy.
I am opening my own school. Jax High School. It’s a magnet school and our mascot is the centaur. I have dedicated my time and effort to create a curriculum that will serve graduates in realistic real life matters.
Many of you felt that I was onto something and helped me with handy subject matters that teens are lacking in our current system. Let’s take a look at a sample class schedule at JHS:
1st Period - Drinking on a College Level/Drug Use on a Rock Star Level
2nd Period - How to Pick up Women That Will Always Be Out of Your League
3rd Period -Oral Sex Ed/G-spot Exploration
4th Period - How to Avoid Douche Bags and Assholes
5th Period - Cultivating Marijuana for Fun and Profit
6th Period - How to be a Bitch
7th Period - How to Mix the Appropriate Amount of Alcohol with Painkillers
8th Period - Understanding That a College Diploma is Just a Piece of Paper and You Will Probably Still End Up in a Shitty Low Paying Job While Corporate America Shits on Your Sorry Ass.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Day 90 - I Miss Money
November 6th, 2009
Don’t get used to the blond hair y’all. I might need to be going back to recession brown.
For the first time since 1983 , our country’s unemployment rate rose above 10%. 175,000 jobs were eliminated in October resulting in the 22nd straight month of job losses.
Being poor is so hot right now.
I threw it out to you. What are some things that you're eliminating during these "trying" economical times?
Happiness
-Vicky Kuperman
Bowel movements, regardless of the times
-Adam Holtz
Limos and ho’s. Pants
-Ted Kim
Gold-plated "dainties".
-Michael Dubow
White elephant hunts
-Daniel Friedland
Prosti - I mean, dating.
-David Schlesinger
Friends
-Edward A. Sotelo
My children
-Ruth Kabat Thomas
Cable
-Roberta Scott
If you give up cable, they win!!
-Ruth Kabat Thomas
Vowels. I will save on ink.
-Dan Verkman
Excise taxes
-Shannon Brame-Collier
Self esteem, unless I can borrow some.
-Ken Miller
Hotel rooms. The back seat of a Dodge was perfectly fine when I was 19.
-John Kosciusko
Meat cured snacks
-David Forman Katz
As for me, I generally can’t skimp on hair care(and nice jeans and fancy coffee) but I’m thinking responsible Jax should start reconsidering. Please. Who am I trying to kid? Living on the edge Jax will prevail and I will ultimately not do without these few things that bring me so much joy. My delusions of grandeur will beat out the suffering economic system. But well played economy. Well played.
Don’t get used to the blond hair y’all. I might need to be going back to recession brown.
For the first time since 1983 , our country’s unemployment rate rose above 10%. 175,000 jobs were eliminated in October resulting in the 22nd straight month of job losses.
Being poor is so hot right now.
I threw it out to you. What are some things that you're eliminating during these "trying" economical times?
Happiness
-Vicky Kuperman
Bowel movements, regardless of the times
-Adam Holtz
Limos and ho’s. Pants
-Ted Kim
Gold-plated "dainties".
-Michael Dubow
White elephant hunts
-Daniel Friedland
Prosti - I mean, dating.
-David Schlesinger
Friends
-Edward A. Sotelo
My children
-Ruth Kabat Thomas
Cable
-Roberta Scott
If you give up cable, they win!!
-Ruth Kabat Thomas
Vowels. I will save on ink.
-Dan Verkman
Excise taxes
-Shannon Brame-Collier
Self esteem, unless I can borrow some.
-Ken Miller
Hotel rooms. The back seat of a Dodge was perfectly fine when I was 19.
-John Kosciusko
Meat cured snacks
-David Forman Katz
As for me, I generally can’t skimp on hair care(and nice jeans and fancy coffee) but I’m thinking responsible Jax should start reconsidering. Please. Who am I trying to kid? Living on the edge Jax will prevail and I will ultimately not do without these few things that bring me so much joy. My delusions of grandeur will beat out the suffering economic system. But well played economy. Well played.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Day 89- Panic Attackiphobia
November 5th, 2009
I used to think that panic attacks weren’t real. I just figured that over dramatic insecure people were putting on some faux over hyped panicky display for attention at boring dinner parties. That was until I experienced my first unbelievably horrifying sudden period of intense anxiety where I thought I was losing control, having a heart attack or dying. This unpleasant attack was brought on by having put a small amount of hydrogen peroxide in my ear when I felt an infection might me coming on. If you’re an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor, I now you’re tisking me..but it had worked in the past. Well, the peroxide resulted with a piece of wax(gross, I know) lodging in my eardrum which did a number on my inner ear and equilibrium. Imagine your ear clogged with water that won’t unclog..and you have no control over it. The sensation made me so antsy that I freaked out. It felt similar to my mild case of claustrophobia. Let the hyperventilating and shaking commence. I knew that I just needed to breath it through..but fear can overtake rationality at times and this severe anxiety persisted for longer than I had hoped. Those of us who have suffered through the extreme fear of a panic attack know that we are forever scarred with an intense fear that we’ll have another panic attack. You know why? Fear is a bitch.
Fear is an emotional response to a threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.We all have them. If you claim that you do not, I will diagnose you as phobophobic, the fear of fear. What are you afraid of..but ashamed to admit? I'll start: Along with misplaced earwax, I also have a fear of Al Roker and being asked to put lotion in a basket.
Jax's blog reader's fears:
An envelope with a return address from the IRS
-John Kosciusko
It's weird but I'm afraid of spiral staircases. I actually will freeze up and not be able to move down the stairs.
-Beth Bernard Curley
Clowns and people with stinky breath....
-Claire Evans Adams
Glenn Beck, people that win on Jeopardy, and platitude quoting idiots.
-Ken Miller
Page Newsom Pelphrey
-History repeating itself.
Cole slaw and mayonnaise
-Nancy Amanda Wall
Oreos. Especially the double stuff.
-Michael Dubow
Everything!!
--Ruth Kabat Thomas
Definitely clowns and Carrot Top, although I suppose that is redundant
-Leathy Kennedy Leggett
Godzilla and ex-girlfriends that are divorce lawyers.
-Dan Verkman
Ah yes, you might question if the above could be real catalysts for the attack of the panic. Don’t jest in haste because the following fears have been proven(some by medical experts, urban dictionary and when I googled weird phobias)
Bogyphobia- Fear of the bogeyman
Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope
Linonophobia- Fear of string
Pteronophobia - Fear of being tickled by feathers
Consecotaleophobia - Fear of Chop Sticks
Aulophobia- Fear of flutes
Geniophobia- Fear of chins
Levophobia- Fear of objects to the left side of the body
Octophobia- Fear of the number 8
Ostraconophobia- Fear of shellfish
Unatractiphobia - Fear of ugly people.
I do not suffer from this. Just the opposite in fact.
I fear that I suffer from myblogreadersaresmokin’hotphobia.
I used to think that panic attacks weren’t real. I just figured that over dramatic insecure people were putting on some faux over hyped panicky display for attention at boring dinner parties. That was until I experienced my first unbelievably horrifying sudden period of intense anxiety where I thought I was losing control, having a heart attack or dying. This unpleasant attack was brought on by having put a small amount of hydrogen peroxide in my ear when I felt an infection might me coming on. If you’re an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor, I now you’re tisking me..but it had worked in the past. Well, the peroxide resulted with a piece of wax(gross, I know) lodging in my eardrum which did a number on my inner ear and equilibrium. Imagine your ear clogged with water that won’t unclog..and you have no control over it. The sensation made me so antsy that I freaked out. It felt similar to my mild case of claustrophobia. Let the hyperventilating and shaking commence. I knew that I just needed to breath it through..but fear can overtake rationality at times and this severe anxiety persisted for longer than I had hoped. Those of us who have suffered through the extreme fear of a panic attack know that we are forever scarred with an intense fear that we’ll have another panic attack. You know why? Fear is a bitch.
Fear is an emotional response to a threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.We all have them. If you claim that you do not, I will diagnose you as phobophobic, the fear of fear. What are you afraid of..but ashamed to admit? I'll start: Along with misplaced earwax, I also have a fear of Al Roker and being asked to put lotion in a basket.
Jax's blog reader's fears:
An envelope with a return address from the IRS
-John Kosciusko
It's weird but I'm afraid of spiral staircases. I actually will freeze up and not be able to move down the stairs.
-Beth Bernard Curley
Clowns and people with stinky breath....
-Claire Evans Adams
Glenn Beck, people that win on Jeopardy, and platitude quoting idiots.
-Ken Miller
Page Newsom Pelphrey
-History repeating itself.
Cole slaw and mayonnaise
-Nancy Amanda Wall
Oreos. Especially the double stuff.
-Michael Dubow
Everything!!
--Ruth Kabat Thomas
Definitely clowns and Carrot Top, although I suppose that is redundant
-Leathy Kennedy Leggett
Godzilla and ex-girlfriends that are divorce lawyers.
-Dan Verkman
Ah yes, you might question if the above could be real catalysts for the attack of the panic. Don’t jest in haste because the following fears have been proven(some by medical experts, urban dictionary and when I googled weird phobias)
Bogyphobia- Fear of the bogeyman
Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope
Linonophobia- Fear of string
Pteronophobia - Fear of being tickled by feathers
Consecotaleophobia - Fear of Chop Sticks
Aulophobia- Fear of flutes
Geniophobia- Fear of chins
Levophobia- Fear of objects to the left side of the body
Octophobia- Fear of the number 8
Ostraconophobia- Fear of shellfish
Unatractiphobia - Fear of ugly people.
I do not suffer from this. Just the opposite in fact.
I fear that I suffer from myblogreadersaresmokin’hotphobia.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Day 88 - Gynecology by Candlelight
November 4th, 2009
In 1999, Gia McGinley and I wrote a sketch called "Gynecology by Candlelight". The premise was based around Dr. Harold Finger, a gynecologist who uses a soothing touch and a gentle probe to give his patients the attention that they deserve.
In the summer of 2004, director Eric Trenkamp wanted to take this “gem” from the stage to the screen…big or small…just a screen OK.
Here is a short video of this piece on the IFC website:
http://www.ifc.com/videos/gynecology-by-candlelight.php
Writers: Jacqueline Kabat and Gia McGinley
Director: Eric Trenkamp
Cast
Troy Bynum - Stirrup
Jacqueline Kabat - Narrator
Kenny Wade Marshall - Stirrup
Brandon Snider - Dr. Finger
Tamara Tackett - Gia
In 1999, Gia McGinley and I wrote a sketch called "Gynecology by Candlelight". The premise was based around Dr. Harold Finger, a gynecologist who uses a soothing touch and a gentle probe to give his patients the attention that they deserve.
In the summer of 2004, director Eric Trenkamp wanted to take this “gem” from the stage to the screen…big or small…just a screen OK.
Here is a short video of this piece on the IFC website:
http://www.ifc.com/videos/gynecology-by-candlelight.php
Writers: Jacqueline Kabat and Gia McGinley
Director: Eric Trenkamp
Cast
Troy Bynum - Stirrup
Jacqueline Kabat - Narrator
Kenny Wade Marshall - Stirrup
Brandon Snider - Dr. Finger
Tamara Tackett - Gia
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Day 87 - Vote for Pedro. Or Not
November 3rd, 2009
You should know that I do a pretty impressive Elizabeth Dole impersonation….which is great because people request that one all the time at keggers. Interesting note, she sounds remarkably like Cartman’s mother on South Park. I generally don’t flesh out political humor because I prefer to keep my Jaxisms timely. In an ideal world, what I write and perform today will hold true ten years from now. I’m going to break that rule today because as I write…the most diligent and patriotic of citizens are heading to the polls on this Election Day to cast their votes for mayor, public advocate, comptroller and other local positions. The anticipation is(not) killing me. Sure, I’ll vote because it’s always fun to revisit an elementary school gymnasium. But truth be told, I miss the glamour and high stakes of the 2008 presidential election.
Ohhhhhh….Bama. America finds the rise of a star endearing but It can’t even compare to the thrill of the possibility of their over sensationalized crash and burn. Who am I thinking of? Who is that remarkable class act of a talent? Oh yeah, Britney Spears. In less than a year, haters with too much time on their hands have criticized Obama for being the unjustifiable recipient of the Nobel Prize, calling Kanye a jackass and being a murderer..of flies. I still have faith in the guy and know that I will celebrate his success by singing “Ebony and Ivory” with him at karaoke. I firmly hang on to the image of him at the inauguration when he sauntered in as smooth as the Fonz after 8 hours of Bikram yoga, several bong hits and half a bottle of Quaaludes.
There was so much America saw during that unprecedented 2008 campaign. But there were a few things that transpired that you might not be cognizant of. Well, lucky for you..I know…things. I shall share:
1. My home state, North Carolina, finally leaned left and turned into a blue state. Did you know that NC had intimate relations with the proud red state of South Carolina and made a purple baby state?
2. Do you remember an emotional Oprah leaning on a random heavy set white guy at the inauguration? Well, I spoke to the people on both sides of that guy and they feel incredibly snubbed. Can you imagine being SO close to being touched by The Oprah?
3. Speaking of Oprah and breeding, I’ve received word that Oprah might be knocked up with Obama’s baby. Names they’re leaning towards: Black Jesus. Bono.
4. I had a slumber party with Cindy McCain. During our pillow fight ,she said, “Jax , it was so challenging to have another crazy eyed beauty queen win the heart of my man and the nation.”
5. I saw Joe Biden’s pre-use of Crest Whitening Strips. It wasn’t pretty.
6. Polls were passing out buttons to give to hipster voters that said, “I didn’t rock the vote. The vote rocked me…and now we’re sharing a cigarette. It’s menthol.”
7. A lot of elderly Jews in West Palm Beach were overheard saying, “I really think Dukakis might pull it off this year. Fingers crossed.”
8. Joe Sixpack fell into a deep debilitating depression after Joe the Plumber was declared the new “It Joe”.
9. We all loved our Sarah Palin Action Figure Doll! Only 30cm…but packed with extreme right-wing Republican fun. Well, marketing execs were pushing for GOP Finger Puppets . Never took off. Too bad..they were precious.
10. Levy Johnston, the guy who knocked up Sara Palin’s daughter in the back of a pickup truck….gay as a French horn.
You should know that I do a pretty impressive Elizabeth Dole impersonation….which is great because people request that one all the time at keggers. Interesting note, she sounds remarkably like Cartman’s mother on South Park. I generally don’t flesh out political humor because I prefer to keep my Jaxisms timely. In an ideal world, what I write and perform today will hold true ten years from now. I’m going to break that rule today because as I write…the most diligent and patriotic of citizens are heading to the polls on this Election Day to cast their votes for mayor, public advocate, comptroller and other local positions. The anticipation is(not) killing me. Sure, I’ll vote because it’s always fun to revisit an elementary school gymnasium. But truth be told, I miss the glamour and high stakes of the 2008 presidential election.
Ohhhhhh….Bama. America finds the rise of a star endearing but It can’t even compare to the thrill of the possibility of their over sensationalized crash and burn. Who am I thinking of? Who is that remarkable class act of a talent? Oh yeah, Britney Spears. In less than a year, haters with too much time on their hands have criticized Obama for being the unjustifiable recipient of the Nobel Prize, calling Kanye a jackass and being a murderer..of flies. I still have faith in the guy and know that I will celebrate his success by singing “Ebony and Ivory” with him at karaoke. I firmly hang on to the image of him at the inauguration when he sauntered in as smooth as the Fonz after 8 hours of Bikram yoga, several bong hits and half a bottle of Quaaludes.
There was so much America saw during that unprecedented 2008 campaign. But there were a few things that transpired that you might not be cognizant of. Well, lucky for you..I know…things. I shall share:
1. My home state, North Carolina, finally leaned left and turned into a blue state. Did you know that NC had intimate relations with the proud red state of South Carolina and made a purple baby state?
2. Do you remember an emotional Oprah leaning on a random heavy set white guy at the inauguration? Well, I spoke to the people on both sides of that guy and they feel incredibly snubbed. Can you imagine being SO close to being touched by The Oprah?
3. Speaking of Oprah and breeding, I’ve received word that Oprah might be knocked up with Obama’s baby. Names they’re leaning towards: Black Jesus. Bono.
4. I had a slumber party with Cindy McCain. During our pillow fight ,she said, “Jax , it was so challenging to have another crazy eyed beauty queen win the heart of my man and the nation.”
5. I saw Joe Biden’s pre-use of Crest Whitening Strips. It wasn’t pretty.
6. Polls were passing out buttons to give to hipster voters that said, “I didn’t rock the vote. The vote rocked me…and now we’re sharing a cigarette. It’s menthol.”
7. A lot of elderly Jews in West Palm Beach were overheard saying, “I really think Dukakis might pull it off this year. Fingers crossed.”
8. Joe Sixpack fell into a deep debilitating depression after Joe the Plumber was declared the new “It Joe”.
9. We all loved our Sarah Palin Action Figure Doll! Only 30cm…but packed with extreme right-wing Republican fun. Well, marketing execs were pushing for GOP Finger Puppets . Never took off. Too bad..they were precious.
10. Levy Johnston, the guy who knocked up Sara Palin’s daughter in the back of a pickup truck….gay as a French horn.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Day 86 - Don't Know What You Got Till It's Gone
November 2nd, 2009
Recently the letter H came off my keyboard. Of the 26 letters, that particular one is rather crucial for writing and shit. Or in that case, sit. I had never given so much thought to the letter since the Sesame Street episode that was brought to me by the letter H.
I started thinking about other people, places, things, and circumstances that I have taken for granted.
Below are 10 things that I didn’t know what I had..until they were gone like teardrops in the rain.
1. THE #2 ON MY PHONE. After spilling water on my electronic device, #2 took a sabbatical for a few days. It turns out that this number is rather significant...and challenging to be without when you live in a 212 area code.
2. EYEBROWS. OR LACK THEREOF. As if 2 random patches of hair on our face wasn’t bizarre enough. But people without them? Scary with a touch of forehead overload.
3. MADONNA’S BRITISH ACCENT. If Madonna Louise Ciccone from Michigan didn’t embrace her Brit fetish, we’d be stuck talking about her arms, Kabbalah and how one's soul feels after sleeping with David Blaine, Dennis Rodman and Vanilla Ice.
4. SHOUT OUTS FROM CONSTRUCTION MEN. I’m a realist..it most likely will not last forever. Bring it on.
5. BUDDY COP MOVIES WITH THE PRACTICAL COP AND THE HARMLESS ZANY COP WHO SEEMS LACKADAISICAL..BUT REALLY COMES THROUGH AT THE END РIf these two clich̩s disappeared, we might have to suffer through a buddy cop film where our protagonists are Managers of Fixed Income & Institutional Banking for Latin American Markets who must contend with a deadly Chinese crime lord trying to get his brother out of prison.
6. FINDING WALDO. He should stay gone. I hear he's kind of a dick.
7. TEAR JERKING SCORES ON CNN WHEN SOMEONE DIES. Due to a technical glitch, there was no somber background music for one of the “In Memoriam” segments on one of the 500 celebrities that died this past summer. It made me uncomfortable and I cared less that they had crossed over.
8. HOT WATER. No explanation. You get it.
9. Al ROKER. He wasn’t on the Today Show one day. I claim to ardently dislike the guy..but something felt off without his "a few notches below mediocrity" presence. Then I was soothed by Ann Curry’s voice and Matt Lauer's practical good looks. The Universe was back in order.
10.THE DRUNK AT A BAR WHO CONSISTENTLY DISPLAYS LACK OF REASON AND ACCOUNTABILITY. Without them, our nights are sure to be less colorful. If you’re Canadian..less colourful.
Recently the letter H came off my keyboard. Of the 26 letters, that particular one is rather crucial for writing and shit. Or in that case, sit. I had never given so much thought to the letter since the Sesame Street episode that was brought to me by the letter H.
I started thinking about other people, places, things, and circumstances that I have taken for granted.
Below are 10 things that I didn’t know what I had..until they were gone like teardrops in the rain.
1. THE #2 ON MY PHONE. After spilling water on my electronic device, #2 took a sabbatical for a few days. It turns out that this number is rather significant...and challenging to be without when you live in a 212 area code.
2. EYEBROWS. OR LACK THEREOF. As if 2 random patches of hair on our face wasn’t bizarre enough. But people without them? Scary with a touch of forehead overload.
3. MADONNA’S BRITISH ACCENT. If Madonna Louise Ciccone from Michigan didn’t embrace her Brit fetish, we’d be stuck talking about her arms, Kabbalah and how one's soul feels after sleeping with David Blaine, Dennis Rodman and Vanilla Ice.
4. SHOUT OUTS FROM CONSTRUCTION MEN. I’m a realist..it most likely will not last forever. Bring it on.
5. BUDDY COP MOVIES WITH THE PRACTICAL COP AND THE HARMLESS ZANY COP WHO SEEMS LACKADAISICAL..BUT REALLY COMES THROUGH AT THE END РIf these two clich̩s disappeared, we might have to suffer through a buddy cop film where our protagonists are Managers of Fixed Income & Institutional Banking for Latin American Markets who must contend with a deadly Chinese crime lord trying to get his brother out of prison.
6. FINDING WALDO. He should stay gone. I hear he's kind of a dick.
7. TEAR JERKING SCORES ON CNN WHEN SOMEONE DIES. Due to a technical glitch, there was no somber background music for one of the “In Memoriam” segments on one of the 500 celebrities that died this past summer. It made me uncomfortable and I cared less that they had crossed over.
8. HOT WATER. No explanation. You get it.
9. Al ROKER. He wasn’t on the Today Show one day. I claim to ardently dislike the guy..but something felt off without his "a few notches below mediocrity" presence. Then I was soothed by Ann Curry’s voice and Matt Lauer's practical good looks. The Universe was back in order.
10.THE DRUNK AT A BAR WHO CONSISTENTLY DISPLAYS LACK OF REASON AND ACCOUNTABILITY. Without them, our nights are sure to be less colorful. If you’re Canadian..less colourful.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Day 85 - Run Like the Wind. If Anything Gets in Your Way…Move
November 1st, 2009
It really was a bold choice to have the New York City Marathon today, November 1st, 2009. First, it’s the day after that holiday where adults dress up like sluts, zombies or nothing(which I refer to as douches texting.) On top of this pertinent celebratory event, last night was daylights savings time. These are two major obstacles that could have obliterated the flow of all things working according to plan. Well, from my mild hung over observation as I cheered on a friend on 4th avenue in Brooklyn, perseverance prevailed and spectators and runners seemed to take their appropriate positions at the appropriate times for one of the world’s largest annual marathons. Good hustle ya’ll!
New Yorkers abide by the work hard and play even harder philosophy. I am absolutely certain many participants didn’t eliminate Halloween shindigs to prepare for the ginormous challenge. In fact, they probably beat their goal time(kind of like the druggy in high school who would pull an all-nighter filled with hallucinogenics and “Beavis and Butt-head” repeats..and still ace the SAT’s the next day.)
I ran the San Diego marathon in 2005. No, I am not a marathoner. There will be only one. I just wanted to add running 26.2 miles to my list of “I really should do this before I expire" list. Also included in this list:
-Win a Competitive Napping contest. And go to State
-Tell someone eating Beef Jerky, “You know..it’s really just a dog treat for humans.”
-Chest bump and elderly person
In fact, I’m kind of surprised that I can check “running a marathon” off the list before I have accomplished the above. Seriously, a long-distance foot race is without a doubt one of the hardest most confident building tasks that I have ever intentionally willed on myself.…and I try to be funny..on stage…by myself…in front of strangers. If you’re looking to stretch yourself, I encourage you to step up to the plate and train for this endeavor. Once you can get through four miles, you’re pretty much over the hump. I mean it. It might just change your life. Hold back the tears.
Although I can barley run to the end of my block these days, I know that I could complete another marathon in four months if I committed to it. Will I? Hell no..although I’m a huge fan of an excess of Gatorade and carbohydrates. I do want to congratulate anyone who has ever checked off finishing the long run on their life goal’s list. We’re members of a special club that might just be similar to an underground Ivy League's secret society..just with less power driven elitist murders.
It really was a bold choice to have the New York City Marathon today, November 1st, 2009. First, it’s the day after that holiday where adults dress up like sluts, zombies or nothing(which I refer to as douches texting.) On top of this pertinent celebratory event, last night was daylights savings time. These are two major obstacles that could have obliterated the flow of all things working according to plan. Well, from my mild hung over observation as I cheered on a friend on 4th avenue in Brooklyn, perseverance prevailed and spectators and runners seemed to take their appropriate positions at the appropriate times for one of the world’s largest annual marathons. Good hustle ya’ll!
New Yorkers abide by the work hard and play even harder philosophy. I am absolutely certain many participants didn’t eliminate Halloween shindigs to prepare for the ginormous challenge. In fact, they probably beat their goal time(kind of like the druggy in high school who would pull an all-nighter filled with hallucinogenics and “Beavis and Butt-head” repeats..and still ace the SAT’s the next day.)
I ran the San Diego marathon in 2005. No, I am not a marathoner. There will be only one. I just wanted to add running 26.2 miles to my list of “I really should do this before I expire" list. Also included in this list:
-Win a Competitive Napping contest. And go to State
-Tell someone eating Beef Jerky, “You know..it’s really just a dog treat for humans.”
-Chest bump and elderly person
In fact, I’m kind of surprised that I can check “running a marathon” off the list before I have accomplished the above. Seriously, a long-distance foot race is without a doubt one of the hardest most confident building tasks that I have ever intentionally willed on myself.…and I try to be funny..on stage…by myself…in front of strangers. If you’re looking to stretch yourself, I encourage you to step up to the plate and train for this endeavor. Once you can get through four miles, you’re pretty much over the hump. I mean it. It might just change your life. Hold back the tears.
Although I can barley run to the end of my block these days, I know that I could complete another marathon in four months if I committed to it. Will I? Hell no..although I’m a huge fan of an excess of Gatorade and carbohydrates. I do want to congratulate anyone who has ever checked off finishing the long run on their life goal’s list. We’re members of a special club that might just be similar to an underground Ivy League's secret society..just with less power driven elitist murders.
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