October 11th, 2009
Below is my 3rd installment of my blog's "Ask Jax" series. I continue to be open to answering ANY questions.
Question: Do you think capitalizing the word "ANY" will lead to people (read: men) to ask provocative questions?
Ed Blank, Canton, Ohio
Jax's Answer: Yes, penises work in mysterious ways. Please refer to “Day 35 – Penis” - http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-35-penis.html
Question: So what if there is water on the moon - then what?
Brian Levy – Dallas, Texas
Jax's Answer: First, let me be clear that there IS water on the moon. I know this because I’m a member of the Facebook Group, “Fan of Water on the Moon”. Neil Armstrong, the first person to set foot on the celestial body, has an impressive resume indeed: Astronaut, university professor and United States Naval Aviator. But what few people know is that he was an avid Slip 'n Slider. In fact, he told Nasa that the only way he would even consider the expedition into space was if he could bring his sheet of thin plastic to partake in some slipping and some sliding. He was unyielding with his demands and they eventually budged. As Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were moon loitering, they crossed paths with some lovely extraterrestrial life. They asked the Moonites if they could attach their hose to the alien’s spigot. The nonhuman species were delighted to accommodate…on one condition..they could partake is some sliding too. After good times were had by all, they all high-fived and the humans headed back to earth. Yes, there are various conspiracy theories claiming that the landings were falsifications staged by NASA . Well naysayers, if you look at the moon on a clear night, you will see reminisce of the yellow slippery plastic. So Brian, we have established that water is available on the moon. You ask “Then what?” There really is no reason for further voyages because today’s youth are playing Slip N’ Slide on the Xbox.
Question: Where have all the flowers gone?
Julie Trell, San Francisco, California
Jax's Answer: A lot of the flowers have gone to my friends. On my 30th birthday, I had a brunch with some of my favorite girls. In the spirit of “celebrating” them, I gave each of these special ladies a flower symbolic of the significance that they have played in my life.
Laura/Hydrangea – Keen ability for understanding
Galia/Sunflower – Warmth and nourishment
Marissa/Snapdragon- Gracious lady
Jen/Daisy – Innocence and youth
Deb/Iris – Faith, valor, wisdom
Claire/Bird of Paradise – Good perspective.
As you know, I possess the ability to communicate with inanimate objects( Please refer to Day 55 - Inanimate Object Whisperer http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-55-inanimate-object-whisperer.html. Since my birthday, I’ve had quite a few candid conversations with floral arrangements. Although they appreciate being connected to celebration, housewarming gifts and corsages, they often feel the need to rebel like an angry teenager. Where have all the flowers gone? A lot of them get addicted to Adderall, wrapped up with deviants that they met on Myspace and move to the Mexican desert only to get caught up in botany drug rings. Only the flowers that can live in arid desert climate survive. It’s very sad.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Day 63 - You Hate Me. You Really Really Hate Me
October 10th, 2009
I asked my loving audience to tell me which celebrities that they despised the most. Here were the responses:
Cameron Diaz
Matthew McConaughey
Jennifer Aniston
Lady Gaga
Tyra Banks
Donald Trump
Bill Mahrer
Bono
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
The Kardashians
Jon and Kate Gosselin
I want to see a film that involves all of your unloved shout outs.We'll need the help of Johnson and Phillips. I introduced them to you in “Day 16 - Bacon Fetish” and “Day 43 - Take a Load Off Annie.” They are reoccurring fictionalized (but real in my heart) ahead of their time marketing executives with a mutual interest in each other’s wives and unsubtle sexual innuendo for each other. They have recently relocated from Manhattan to Los Angeles( much like Laverne and Shirley moving from Milwaukee to LA.)Now they have become ahead of their time movie producers. The following pitch goes down in a sunny over sized office with a view of the Hollywood Hills at Universal Studios.
PHILLIPS:
Johnson, I feel I got a real winner for our next feature. We have Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston playing lifelong “frenemies” who are down on their luck. They’re both racing against the biological clock and each other to become pregnant. Aniston’s character dumps Matthew McConaughey because she grew tired of his chronic marijuana addiction and erectile dysfunction. He doesn’t takes it well and starts to immediately date underage girls. In a mean-spirited phone call, he tells Aniston, “That's what I like about these high school girls. I get older, they stay the same age.” Diaz recently breaks up with the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. She was turned off by his story entitled , “Israel must be wiped off the map”. Plus he always hogged the covers.
JOHNSON:
Phillips, I love it. Now I want to devour you like a fish taco. Tyra Banks will play their token black friend who was dating Michael Vick until he was arrested for an interstate dog fighting ring. Inspired by Vick's felony, she hosts a reality show called “Americas Top Model Mauler” where she operates a model fighting ring out of her back yard. It’s the darling of the Nielson ratings.
PHILLIPS:
You’re the darling of my groin Johnson. Obviously, Bill Mahrer will play Jennifer Anistons brother who raised her after their parents were killed in a freak mall speed walking accident. Donald Trump is Cameron Diaz’s father. When the two men meet, there is just too much ego in a square foot and the result is spontaneous combustion. They literally disappear into flames.
JOHNSON:
Nice. After the tragedy, Diaz and Aniston put aside their differences and soon realize that they are in love with each other. The obligatory lesbian sex scene will be just as raunchy as the time I spent with your wife in the back my Infiniti M35. During this girl on girl action, the Grammy nominated theme song (sung by Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga and Bono) will be playing in the backdrop. The sounds will consist of the hypnotic arrangements of synthetic rhythms of aboriginal rock. After Aniston and Diaz's love is recognized, Jon and Kate Gosselin's children grow tired of their parent’s juvenile, uninteresting and over sensationalized bullshit. All 8 kids get adopted by Aniston and Diaz. Happiness ensues. Meanwhile, Jon and Kate don’t want their 15 minutes to end. They adopt the Kardashians.
PHILLIPS:
Love it! I smell Oscar! And by Oscar, Johnson, I mean your wiener.
I asked my loving audience to tell me which celebrities that they despised the most. Here were the responses:
Cameron Diaz
Matthew McConaughey
Jennifer Aniston
Lady Gaga
Tyra Banks
Donald Trump
Bill Mahrer
Bono
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
The Kardashians
Jon and Kate Gosselin
I want to see a film that involves all of your unloved shout outs.We'll need the help of Johnson and Phillips. I introduced them to you in “Day 16 - Bacon Fetish” and “Day 43 - Take a Load Off Annie.” They are reoccurring fictionalized (but real in my heart) ahead of their time marketing executives with a mutual interest in each other’s wives and unsubtle sexual innuendo for each other. They have recently relocated from Manhattan to Los Angeles( much like Laverne and Shirley moving from Milwaukee to LA.)Now they have become ahead of their time movie producers. The following pitch goes down in a sunny over sized office with a view of the Hollywood Hills at Universal Studios.
PHILLIPS:
Johnson, I feel I got a real winner for our next feature. We have Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston playing lifelong “frenemies” who are down on their luck. They’re both racing against the biological clock and each other to become pregnant. Aniston’s character dumps Matthew McConaughey because she grew tired of his chronic marijuana addiction and erectile dysfunction. He doesn’t takes it well and starts to immediately date underage girls. In a mean-spirited phone call, he tells Aniston, “That's what I like about these high school girls. I get older, they stay the same age.” Diaz recently breaks up with the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. She was turned off by his story entitled , “Israel must be wiped off the map”. Plus he always hogged the covers.
JOHNSON:
Phillips, I love it. Now I want to devour you like a fish taco. Tyra Banks will play their token black friend who was dating Michael Vick until he was arrested for an interstate dog fighting ring. Inspired by Vick's felony, she hosts a reality show called “Americas Top Model Mauler” where she operates a model fighting ring out of her back yard. It’s the darling of the Nielson ratings.
PHILLIPS:
You’re the darling of my groin Johnson. Obviously, Bill Mahrer will play Jennifer Anistons brother who raised her after their parents were killed in a freak mall speed walking accident. Donald Trump is Cameron Diaz’s father. When the two men meet, there is just too much ego in a square foot and the result is spontaneous combustion. They literally disappear into flames.
JOHNSON:
Nice. After the tragedy, Diaz and Aniston put aside their differences and soon realize that they are in love with each other. The obligatory lesbian sex scene will be just as raunchy as the time I spent with your wife in the back my Infiniti M35. During this girl on girl action, the Grammy nominated theme song (sung by Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga and Bono) will be playing in the backdrop. The sounds will consist of the hypnotic arrangements of synthetic rhythms of aboriginal rock. After Aniston and Diaz's love is recognized, Jon and Kate Gosselin's children grow tired of their parent’s juvenile, uninteresting and over sensationalized bullshit. All 8 kids get adopted by Aniston and Diaz. Happiness ensues. Meanwhile, Jon and Kate don’t want their 15 minutes to end. They adopt the Kardashians.
PHILLIPS:
Love it! I smell Oscar! And by Oscar, Johnson, I mean your wiener.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Day 62 - Muppets Age Beautifully
October 9th, 2009
I went out with a guy a few times in college and our “relationship” was based entirely on the Muppets. We never kissed. On our first date, we went to the theater to see “Muppets from Space” and I would imagine puppet critics wouldn’t have given it two felt thumbs up(probably because it was the first film since the death of Muppets creator Jim Henson.) Follow up dates with this guy(who was currently reading something like “ The Rush Limbaugh Story: Talent on Loan from God”) included renting “ The Muppet Movie” and the “Muppets Take Manhattan”. Although my date did nothing for me (and presumably grew up to be a Young Republican virgin), it became very clear to me that guys may come and go, but Muppets are forever. Partly because they age so well.
On a very basic level, let me share with you why I can’t seem to escape Muppet-centric themes in my own life.
1)The word "Muppet" was said by Henson to have been created by combining the words "marionette" and "puppet”. Now this is very endearing to me because my nickname “Jax” was also derived from the combining of two words. I was almost hit by a taxi in Athens, Georgia. In the spirit of word breeding, my friends came up with: Jacqueline + Taxi = Jaxi. New Yorkers have shortened it to Jax because the “I” makes it too much of a mouthful. It’s just how they roll.
2)It has been brought to my attention that straight haired Jax has the “gift” of striking an uncanny resemblance to Janice, the “fer sure” free spirited lead guitar player. Generally the comparison is clear if I have partaken in some herbal inhaling and my eyes disappear. Seriously, you could blindfold me with floss.
3) Cookie Monster likes cookies. You know who else likes cookies? Me
If you were craving more Muppet action in your adult life..I’m sorry to say that the brilliantly hilarious Broadway show “Avenue Q” just closed. It definitely fell into the “Damn I wish I wrote that” category. For those of us who grew up with the Muppets, it was pure bliss. The show was clearly inspired by “Sesame Street.” Most of the characters were puppets operated by onstage actors and the set depicted several Brooklyn-esque tenements on a rundown street. With songs called “Everyone's A Little Bit Racist” and “The Internet is for Porn”, this production was suited for adults as the themes tapped into grown up problems. Several characters were recognizably parodies of classic Sesame Street characters. My favorite were Rod (blatantly battling with his sexuality) and Nicky, versions of Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie. The characters often used profanity in their dialogue(often sung) and there is a steamy over the top risqué Muppet sex scene that makes “9 ½ Weeks” seem suitable for nuns who watch ABC Family Channel programming about squirrels.
“Avenue Q” has closed its curtains but grownups might have another option to satisfy their Muppet fix these days. My brother Scott was telling me about taking his kids to “Sesame Street Live”. This popular traveling show (which I assume is composed of musical theater graduates who get to dress up as giant Muppets..mascots tend to scare me..but I’ll let this one slide) is a favorite with the kids. Why not adults? I'd dig songs called “Me Lost Me Cookie At the Disco” and “I Love Trash!” From what I understand, Elmo’s debut mirrors the reactions to the hyperventilating swooning teenage girls seeing the Beatles on “The Ed Sullivan show” in 1964. Three year olds are screaming/crying, ”ELMO! ELMO! OH MY GOD ELMO. I LOOOOOVVVEEEE YOU! AHHHHHH! ELMO!” Then they pass out. According to my brother, all the characters are allowed into the audience to do some interactive break the 4th wall work. But NOT Elmo. Picking up on my bewilderment, Scott explained “well, Jax, his handlers won’t let him.” I spit out my coffee. Brother has wit.
I went out with a guy a few times in college and our “relationship” was based entirely on the Muppets. We never kissed. On our first date, we went to the theater to see “Muppets from Space” and I would imagine puppet critics wouldn’t have given it two felt thumbs up(probably because it was the first film since the death of Muppets creator Jim Henson.) Follow up dates with this guy(who was currently reading something like “ The Rush Limbaugh Story: Talent on Loan from God”) included renting “ The Muppet Movie” and the “Muppets Take Manhattan”. Although my date did nothing for me (and presumably grew up to be a Young Republican virgin), it became very clear to me that guys may come and go, but Muppets are forever. Partly because they age so well.
On a very basic level, let me share with you why I can’t seem to escape Muppet-centric themes in my own life.
1)The word "Muppet" was said by Henson to have been created by combining the words "marionette" and "puppet”. Now this is very endearing to me because my nickname “Jax” was also derived from the combining of two words. I was almost hit by a taxi in Athens, Georgia. In the spirit of word breeding, my friends came up with: Jacqueline + Taxi = Jaxi. New Yorkers have shortened it to Jax because the “I” makes it too much of a mouthful. It’s just how they roll.
2)It has been brought to my attention that straight haired Jax has the “gift” of striking an uncanny resemblance to Janice, the “fer sure” free spirited lead guitar player. Generally the comparison is clear if I have partaken in some herbal inhaling and my eyes disappear. Seriously, you could blindfold me with floss.
3) Cookie Monster likes cookies. You know who else likes cookies? Me
If you were craving more Muppet action in your adult life..I’m sorry to say that the brilliantly hilarious Broadway show “Avenue Q” just closed. It definitely fell into the “Damn I wish I wrote that” category. For those of us who grew up with the Muppets, it was pure bliss. The show was clearly inspired by “Sesame Street.” Most of the characters were puppets operated by onstage actors and the set depicted several Brooklyn-esque tenements on a rundown street. With songs called “Everyone's A Little Bit Racist” and “The Internet is for Porn”, this production was suited for adults as the themes tapped into grown up problems. Several characters were recognizably parodies of classic Sesame Street characters. My favorite were Rod (blatantly battling with his sexuality) and Nicky, versions of Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie. The characters often used profanity in their dialogue(often sung) and there is a steamy over the top risqué Muppet sex scene that makes “9 ½ Weeks” seem suitable for nuns who watch ABC Family Channel programming about squirrels.
“Avenue Q” has closed its curtains but grownups might have another option to satisfy their Muppet fix these days. My brother Scott was telling me about taking his kids to “Sesame Street Live”. This popular traveling show (which I assume is composed of musical theater graduates who get to dress up as giant Muppets..mascots tend to scare me..but I’ll let this one slide) is a favorite with the kids. Why not adults? I'd dig songs called “Me Lost Me Cookie At the Disco” and “I Love Trash!” From what I understand, Elmo’s debut mirrors the reactions to the hyperventilating swooning teenage girls seeing the Beatles on “The Ed Sullivan show” in 1964. Three year olds are screaming/crying, ”ELMO! ELMO! OH MY GOD ELMO. I LOOOOOVVVEEEE YOU! AHHHHHH! ELMO!” Then they pass out. According to my brother, all the characters are allowed into the audience to do some interactive break the 4th wall work. But NOT Elmo. Picking up on my bewilderment, Scott explained “well, Jax, his handlers won’t let him.” I spit out my coffee. Brother has wit.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Day 61 - I Love New York
October 8th, 2009
Jax's New York City Chamber of Commerce Commercial
SONG
I Love New York…(Sung beautifully with a harmonious pleasant touch of operatic flair)
VOICE OVER
The reassuring sight of the Lady in the harbor, the gleaming spire of the Empire State Building, the perfect pizza,the sounds of jazz from a Village club, jogging in Central Park..alone..at night…
SONG
I Love New York…
BITTER WOMAN
(Enthusiastically)
New York is so very romantic. I would love to share the changing of the seasons and lay in bed doing the Sunday Times crossword puzzle with that special someone. But now... my ovaries are all shriveled up like dehydrated edamame and I get to die alone! I Love New York!
SONG
I Love New York…
VOICE OVER
New York City is home to the most extensive and efficient transportation network in the United States. Just ask this black man trying to hail a cab.
BLACK MAN
(Surprising casual as he unsuccessfully tries to hail taxis. They keep passing him by)
Hey!..I’m right here! Hey....Oh Come on!
(Suddenly becomes chipper and puts hands on hips and flashes a winning smile)
I Love New York!
SONG
I Love New York…
VOICE OVER
New York is unquestionably the leader in commerce resulting with endless career opportunities!
BUSINESS MAN
My job is great! Once I’m done paying my mortgage, bills and my children’s tuition, I’m left penniless and filled with gut wrenching panic..and when I proceed to suckle on the teet of desperation and poverty… I stop..and oh yes… I reflect… on how much…I Love New York!
SONG
I Love New York…
VOICE OVER
This ad has been brought to by New Jersey.
THE END
Jax's New York City Chamber of Commerce Commercial
SONG
I Love New York…(Sung beautifully with a harmonious pleasant touch of operatic flair)
VOICE OVER
The reassuring sight of the Lady in the harbor, the gleaming spire of the Empire State Building, the perfect pizza,the sounds of jazz from a Village club, jogging in Central Park..alone..at night…
SONG
I Love New York…
BITTER WOMAN
(Enthusiastically)
New York is so very romantic. I would love to share the changing of the seasons and lay in bed doing the Sunday Times crossword puzzle with that special someone. But now... my ovaries are all shriveled up like dehydrated edamame and I get to die alone! I Love New York!
SONG
I Love New York…
VOICE OVER
New York City is home to the most extensive and efficient transportation network in the United States. Just ask this black man trying to hail a cab.
BLACK MAN
(Surprising casual as he unsuccessfully tries to hail taxis. They keep passing him by)
Hey!..I’m right here! Hey....Oh Come on!
(Suddenly becomes chipper and puts hands on hips and flashes a winning smile)
I Love New York!
SONG
I Love New York…
VOICE OVER
New York is unquestionably the leader in commerce resulting with endless career opportunities!
BUSINESS MAN
My job is great! Once I’m done paying my mortgage, bills and my children’s tuition, I’m left penniless and filled with gut wrenching panic..and when I proceed to suckle on the teet of desperation and poverty… I stop..and oh yes… I reflect… on how much…I Love New York!
SONG
I Love New York…
VOICE OVER
This ad has been brought to by New Jersey.
THE END
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Day 60 - "Makin' Whoopee!"
October 7th, 2009
We're gonna talk “whoopee” today. And not as in Goldberg. She sucks.
I would imagine that most of you recall The Newlywed Game's questions that dealt with "making whoopee", the euphemism used for "The Sex" in order to get around network censors.
In a classic episode, the following occurred:
Host Bob Eubanks: Where was the strangest place you've ever made whoopee?
Very Candid Male Contestant: That'd be the butt, Bob.
"Makin' Whoopee!" is also a jazz/blues song, first popularized in the 1928 musical “Whoopee”. If I were alive then, I am pretty certain that I would not have seen this show because I steer clear of productions with exclamations marks in the title. I did learn that the “Whoopee” song is a dire warning, largely to the male species, about the "trap" of marriage. I miss good 'ol early 20th Century sexism. Interesting note, it’s generally safe to assume that homosexual theater types were doing most of the singing and this was clearly before there was any legalization of gay marriage in any state. Continuity and theater seldom go hand in hand. On an unrelated side note: Two notable happenings in 1928: Penicillin was invented and English hairdresser, Vidal Sassoon was born. Thank you Vidal.
It seems to be proving advantageous for me to throw some questions out to the
audience pre-blog. It’s the improviser in me. So I asked : “Where's
the craziest place you've made whoopee?
In the armpit..
- Ed Blank
On a roof...and in a tree house
-Michelle Kojen
Greensboro, NC
- Rosanne Garfield Nelson
In the parking lot at Target. And I was not alone... :)
- Dan Verkman
In a vagina
- Philip Schnell
One of Urban Dictionary’s definitions for whoopee is - “Old person word for sex”. I feel their example of this word’s usage might be one of the best examples that I have EVER heard. And I am an example snob.
Old Man: Hey Margaret, wanna go make some whoopee?
Margaret: O yes Cletus
We're gonna talk “whoopee” today. And not as in Goldberg. She sucks.
I would imagine that most of you recall The Newlywed Game's questions that dealt with "making whoopee", the euphemism used for "The Sex" in order to get around network censors.
In a classic episode, the following occurred:
Host Bob Eubanks: Where was the strangest place you've ever made whoopee?
Very Candid Male Contestant: That'd be the butt, Bob.
"Makin' Whoopee!" is also a jazz/blues song, first popularized in the 1928 musical “Whoopee”. If I were alive then, I am pretty certain that I would not have seen this show because I steer clear of productions with exclamations marks in the title. I did learn that the “Whoopee” song is a dire warning, largely to the male species, about the "trap" of marriage. I miss good 'ol early 20th Century sexism. Interesting note, it’s generally safe to assume that homosexual theater types were doing most of the singing and this was clearly before there was any legalization of gay marriage in any state. Continuity and theater seldom go hand in hand. On an unrelated side note: Two notable happenings in 1928: Penicillin was invented and English hairdresser, Vidal Sassoon was born. Thank you Vidal.
It seems to be proving advantageous for me to throw some questions out to the
audience pre-blog. It’s the improviser in me. So I asked : “Where's
the craziest place you've made whoopee?
In the armpit..
- Ed Blank
On a roof...and in a tree house
-Michelle Kojen
Greensboro, NC
- Rosanne Garfield Nelson
In the parking lot at Target. And I was not alone... :)
- Dan Verkman
In a vagina
- Philip Schnell
One of Urban Dictionary’s definitions for whoopee is - “Old person word for sex”. I feel their example of this word’s usage might be one of the best examples that I have EVER heard. And I am an example snob.
Old Man: Hey Margaret, wanna go make some whoopee?
Margaret: O yes Cletus
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Day 59 - We Worked Hard for the Money. Kind of.
October 6th, 2009
My very first job was at I Can’t Believe it’s Yogurt. I did mention this rite of passage endeavor in a previous blog, Day 23 - Dude Looks Like a Lady. http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-23-dude-looks-like-lady.html. I will quote myself from this entry, “I did question if this severely processed high sodium dairy concoction really was yogurt. I was 15 and too young to have the sought after high powered job as “server”. So I was stuck in the back making waffle cones and cutting up Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.” The ICBY Yogurt where I was employed was located in the “county”. In Greensboro, NC, we had the city schools(where I went) and the county schools(where the rednecks went.) The county schools were also referred to as “directional schools” because they all had rather unoriginal names like Northeast, Northwest, Western, Eastern, Southern, Southeast and Southwest. A lot of graduates didn’t go on to college and ended up working with me at the Yogurt chain. For example, let me introduce you to Tara. She was a petite bleached blond 19 year old with a knack for yogurt and putting out. She had recently started “dating” a hockey player on Greensboro’s new “professional team”. These players were a bunch of poor Canadian guys who didn’t reach their “Ice-Dreams” and ended up losing teeth and dating directional school alum in North Carol-tucky. Tara was about to have dinner with her new beau’s parents who were visiting from Toronto. As I was choppin’ chocolate, I got to watch her spray cheap drug store spray perfume on her who-ha. I quit the next day.
In an effort to feel my readers and understand how their past experiences in the workforce might have tarnished or enhanced future life happenings, I threw out a question: Please tell me the most fu**ed up job you've ever had and I will expand on it through blog. First come gets the blog.
Adam Holtz, the husband of one of my best childhood friends replied to me inquiry with impressive haste. His answer:
“Lasted a few hours. White Jewish kid to read water meters during a college summer break in the projects of the South Bronx. Funny thing, it was for the same company my Dad worked for.”
There were several angles that I had the option to explore with his response. The thing is, I assume all my blog readers are already fluent in devices used to measure the volume of water usage. I mean, who doesn’t know that one rotation of a water meter’s sweep hand is 1 to 100 ft.3, 0.1 to 10 m3. That’s Water Meter Reading 101.
So I looked at Adam’s brief run-in with his questionable (yet character building) employment memory and began to see some key congruencies to ...well…me.
Adam and Jax similarities:
-We’ve both done some water maintenance work with our dad. He worked with the H2O in the projects and I skimmed the pool at my childhood house.
-He did water work in the South(Bronx) and I worked in the Southern US.
-We’re both Caucasian and Jewy
I did receive a STRONG response to the bizzaro job question. To vent is to heal. Interesting note, when piecing some of the answers together, I discovered a delightful cadence that seemed to write itself: Let’s take a look:
Most Fu**ed up Job?
Assistant fluffer.
-Ted Kim
Weed delivery dispatcher.
-Tanya True
And Jax loses points for not introducing me to Tanya.
-Ted Kim
Is Tim for real!?
-Emily Fitch
If by Tim you mean Ted...don't underestimate the trials and tribulations of a sassy Korean from NJ.
-Jacqueline Kabat
Nursing home, sorting dirty silverware. I didn’t wear gloves.
-Mary Schneider
Neither did I.
-Ted Kim
My very first job was at I Can’t Believe it’s Yogurt. I did mention this rite of passage endeavor in a previous blog, Day 23 - Dude Looks Like a Lady. http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-23-dude-looks-like-lady.html. I will quote myself from this entry, “I did question if this severely processed high sodium dairy concoction really was yogurt. I was 15 and too young to have the sought after high powered job as “server”. So I was stuck in the back making waffle cones and cutting up Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.” The ICBY Yogurt where I was employed was located in the “county”. In Greensboro, NC, we had the city schools(where I went) and the county schools(where the rednecks went.) The county schools were also referred to as “directional schools” because they all had rather unoriginal names like Northeast, Northwest, Western, Eastern, Southern, Southeast and Southwest. A lot of graduates didn’t go on to college and ended up working with me at the Yogurt chain. For example, let me introduce you to Tara. She was a petite bleached blond 19 year old with a knack for yogurt and putting out. She had recently started “dating” a hockey player on Greensboro’s new “professional team”. These players were a bunch of poor Canadian guys who didn’t reach their “Ice-Dreams” and ended up losing teeth and dating directional school alum in North Carol-tucky. Tara was about to have dinner with her new beau’s parents who were visiting from Toronto. As I was choppin’ chocolate, I got to watch her spray cheap drug store spray perfume on her who-ha. I quit the next day.
In an effort to feel my readers and understand how their past experiences in the workforce might have tarnished or enhanced future life happenings, I threw out a question: Please tell me the most fu**ed up job you've ever had and I will expand on it through blog. First come gets the blog.
Adam Holtz, the husband of one of my best childhood friends replied to me inquiry with impressive haste. His answer:
“Lasted a few hours. White Jewish kid to read water meters during a college summer break in the projects of the South Bronx. Funny thing, it was for the same company my Dad worked for.”
There were several angles that I had the option to explore with his response. The thing is, I assume all my blog readers are already fluent in devices used to measure the volume of water usage. I mean, who doesn’t know that one rotation of a water meter’s sweep hand is 1 to 100 ft.3, 0.1 to 10 m3. That’s Water Meter Reading 101.
So I looked at Adam’s brief run-in with his questionable (yet character building) employment memory and began to see some key congruencies to ...well…me.
Adam and Jax similarities:
-We’ve both done some water maintenance work with our dad. He worked with the H2O in the projects and I skimmed the pool at my childhood house.
-He did water work in the South(Bronx) and I worked in the Southern US.
-We’re both Caucasian and Jewy
I did receive a STRONG response to the bizzaro job question. To vent is to heal. Interesting note, when piecing some of the answers together, I discovered a delightful cadence that seemed to write itself: Let’s take a look:
Most Fu**ed up Job?
Assistant fluffer.
-Ted Kim
Weed delivery dispatcher.
-Tanya True
And Jax loses points for not introducing me to Tanya.
-Ted Kim
Is Tim for real!?
-Emily Fitch
If by Tim you mean Ted...don't underestimate the trials and tribulations of a sassy Korean from NJ.
-Jacqueline Kabat
Nursing home, sorting dirty silverware. I didn’t wear gloves.
-Mary Schneider
Neither did I.
-Ted Kim
Monday, October 5, 2009
Day 58 - Klan Bake
October 5th, 2009
I hate racists, anti-Semites and Martha Stewart. Growing up in the South, it wouldn’t have been uncommon to have run-ins with my first two grievances. People might have been racist or anti-Semitic… but they were ABSOLUTELY lovely about it. You might hear something like, “Oh, ya know..the Holocaust never happened. Would y’all like some sweat tea?” My disdain for Ms. Stewart derives from a primal vibe that no perfect muffin, table setting or gardening tip can overshadow that there is an evil demon living deep inside her well manicured so-called soul.
As comedians, sometimes our only tool to make sense of the insensible is to dive headfirst into the issues that don’ settle well. Sometimes, attempting to navigate our way though the warped psyche of the people who lack tolerance is a good place to start. A few years a ago I wrote a sketch entitled “Klan Bake” that combined my previously mentioned stressors. It was a Martha Stewart-esque cooking show that provided the audience tips for how to cook more “white”. I played the host, Kathy White, a crazy eyed southern version of Ms. Stewart. Also, in order to really drive the ridiculous point home, we wore white sheets. If someone didn’t “get the joke”, it might have appeared that we were the most intolerant unethical group of performers to have ever crossed a stage. That in itself is ironic since our group consisted of a Jew, a black man, a homosexual and a hippie. Minus a few dissenters, this sketch always seemed to work and years later people still remember it. And creating something memorable that actually says something(besides fluff with low brow shock value), in my opinion is what artists should strive for.
KLAN BAKE
(Everyone is dressed in white sheets)
KATHY WHITE - :Hi, I’m your host Kathy White and Welcome to Klan Bake.
(Martha Stewart morning show Jingle)
Martin Luther King Day is right around the corner. What does that mean? You might be tempted to eat darker food like chocolate, dark meat and more chocolate. Joining us is bestselling author of “Cooking Lite…as in White”, Chef Scooter Travis. He’s going to give us a better idea how to make “eating white” a lot more interesting. It's not just about white bread and all-purpose flour anymore, is it Scooter?
SCOOTER TRAVIS: No, it's not. Cooking whiter can be really fun. Just like any other time that we’re cooking “lite” , we can use what's whitest in the market. Today I’ve brought white potatoes, white rolls, cauliflower, white gravy and of course …pork, the most superior white meat.
(Scooter starts arranging food on plate)
KATHY WHITE - :Hmmm…looks delicious and packed with Aryan goodness.
SCOOTER TRAVIS –It really is Kathy. It’s the perfect meal for your annual White Supremacist BBQ.
KATHY WHITE - …or my anti-Semitic Luau...
SCOOTER TRAVIS –Kathy, when serving this meal…good presentation is a must. Be sure…and I repeat be sure to place the cauliflower to the FAR RIGHT of your pork.
KATHY WHITE - awww the FAR RIGHT…a bold choice Scooter, (To audience) one really can’t underestimate the importance of food segregation.
SCOOTER TRAVIS –This is very true Kathy. Also, a little trick I like to do is to serve the mashed potatoes in the shape of a swastika.
KATHY WHITE – That is just adorable…and almost too pretty to eat… (Scooter and Kathy chuckle simultaneously with a hint of sexual tension)
(Brother Gelman in a Nazi outfit marches up and gives a Heil Hitler Salute from audience)
KATHY WHITE – Looks like Brother Gelman is giving us the queue that we need to go to commercial…we’ll be right back…
(Jingle)
VOICE OVER
Cross burnings and lynchings can really do a number on your whites.(Actor holds up dirty sheet and looks flustered ) Do you wonder how you’ll ever remove the grass, sweat and blood stains from your sheets and pointed pillow case hoods? ( Actor nods yes) Since the Ku Klux Klan was formed as a social club by a group of Confederate Army Veterans in Pulaski, Tennessee in 1865, Negro Tide has been helping racist families fight tough laundry stains and keep their sheets looking great. (Actor holds up Negro Tide) The Negro Tide’s advanced cleaning power is even found in the Grand Wizard’s laundry room….shouldn’t it be in yours?(Smiling, the actor holds up Negro Tide and a clean sheet. Gives a
thumbs up)
(Jingle)
KATHY WHITE - : Welcome back to Klan Bake and with us today is Chef Scooter Travis, author of “Cooking Lite…as in White”. Scooter, any wines suggestions to accompany this feast?
SCOOTER TRAVIS –Kathy, any white wines would be lovely. A Sauvignon Blanc, perhaps a Pinot Grigio, or, dare I say, a Chardonnay
KATHY WHITE - : Would you agree that any other wine other than white…is the devil’s wine?
SCOOTER TRAVIS –Indeed Kathy. Lucifer loves the Merlot.
KATHY WHITE - : I’ll say. Scooter, thank you so much for joining us and congratulations on the success of your book. Anyone spreading the message of white power through culinary expression is a friend of ours at Klan Bake. (To audience) David Duke will be with us tomorrow to show us how to safely roast marshmallows from our burning crosses. Good Day
(Jingle)
The End
I hate racists, anti-Semites and Martha Stewart. Growing up in the South, it wouldn’t have been uncommon to have run-ins with my first two grievances. People might have been racist or anti-Semitic… but they were ABSOLUTELY lovely about it. You might hear something like, “Oh, ya know..the Holocaust never happened. Would y’all like some sweat tea?” My disdain for Ms. Stewart derives from a primal vibe that no perfect muffin, table setting or gardening tip can overshadow that there is an evil demon living deep inside her well manicured so-called soul.
As comedians, sometimes our only tool to make sense of the insensible is to dive headfirst into the issues that don’ settle well. Sometimes, attempting to navigate our way though the warped psyche of the people who lack tolerance is a good place to start. A few years a ago I wrote a sketch entitled “Klan Bake” that combined my previously mentioned stressors. It was a Martha Stewart-esque cooking show that provided the audience tips for how to cook more “white”. I played the host, Kathy White, a crazy eyed southern version of Ms. Stewart. Also, in order to really drive the ridiculous point home, we wore white sheets. If someone didn’t “get the joke”, it might have appeared that we were the most intolerant unethical group of performers to have ever crossed a stage. That in itself is ironic since our group consisted of a Jew, a black man, a homosexual and a hippie. Minus a few dissenters, this sketch always seemed to work and years later people still remember it. And creating something memorable that actually says something(besides fluff with low brow shock value), in my opinion is what artists should strive for.
KLAN BAKE
(Everyone is dressed in white sheets)
KATHY WHITE - :Hi, I’m your host Kathy White and Welcome to Klan Bake.
(Martha Stewart morning show Jingle)
Martin Luther King Day is right around the corner. What does that mean? You might be tempted to eat darker food like chocolate, dark meat and more chocolate. Joining us is bestselling author of “Cooking Lite…as in White”, Chef Scooter Travis. He’s going to give us a better idea how to make “eating white” a lot more interesting. It's not just about white bread and all-purpose flour anymore, is it Scooter?
SCOOTER TRAVIS: No, it's not. Cooking whiter can be really fun. Just like any other time that we’re cooking “lite” , we can use what's whitest in the market. Today I’ve brought white potatoes, white rolls, cauliflower, white gravy and of course …pork, the most superior white meat.
(Scooter starts arranging food on plate)
KATHY WHITE - :Hmmm…looks delicious and packed with Aryan goodness.
SCOOTER TRAVIS –It really is Kathy. It’s the perfect meal for your annual White Supremacist BBQ.
KATHY WHITE - …or my anti-Semitic Luau...
SCOOTER TRAVIS –Kathy, when serving this meal…good presentation is a must. Be sure…and I repeat be sure to place the cauliflower to the FAR RIGHT of your pork.
KATHY WHITE - awww the FAR RIGHT…a bold choice Scooter, (To audience) one really can’t underestimate the importance of food segregation.
SCOOTER TRAVIS –This is very true Kathy. Also, a little trick I like to do is to serve the mashed potatoes in the shape of a swastika.
KATHY WHITE – That is just adorable…and almost too pretty to eat… (Scooter and Kathy chuckle simultaneously with a hint of sexual tension)
(Brother Gelman in a Nazi outfit marches up and gives a Heil Hitler Salute from audience)
KATHY WHITE – Looks like Brother Gelman is giving us the queue that we need to go to commercial…we’ll be right back…
(Jingle)
VOICE OVER
Cross burnings and lynchings can really do a number on your whites.(Actor holds up dirty sheet and looks flustered ) Do you wonder how you’ll ever remove the grass, sweat and blood stains from your sheets and pointed pillow case hoods? ( Actor nods yes) Since the Ku Klux Klan was formed as a social club by a group of Confederate Army Veterans in Pulaski, Tennessee in 1865, Negro Tide has been helping racist families fight tough laundry stains and keep their sheets looking great. (Actor holds up Negro Tide) The Negro Tide’s advanced cleaning power is even found in the Grand Wizard’s laundry room….shouldn’t it be in yours?(Smiling, the actor holds up Negro Tide and a clean sheet. Gives a
thumbs up)
(Jingle)
KATHY WHITE - : Welcome back to Klan Bake and with us today is Chef Scooter Travis, author of “Cooking Lite…as in White”. Scooter, any wines suggestions to accompany this feast?
SCOOTER TRAVIS –Kathy, any white wines would be lovely. A Sauvignon Blanc, perhaps a Pinot Grigio, or, dare I say, a Chardonnay
KATHY WHITE - : Would you agree that any other wine other than white…is the devil’s wine?
SCOOTER TRAVIS –Indeed Kathy. Lucifer loves the Merlot.
KATHY WHITE - : I’ll say. Scooter, thank you so much for joining us and congratulations on the success of your book. Anyone spreading the message of white power through culinary expression is a friend of ours at Klan Bake. (To audience) David Duke will be with us tomorrow to show us how to safely roast marshmallows from our burning crosses. Good Day
(Jingle)
The End
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