September 21, 2010
Dear Over The Top New Agey Types,
You can’t change the world by freaking people out.
New Agers…I write to you as a group(even though I’m certain that it’s safe to assume that some of your names are Dandelion Vegan, Harmony Dosha and Tom Cruise.)
You guys have been approaching me for years assuming that I possess those “Je ne sais what” attributes that would make me the obvious choice to join your cohesive social groups of lost souls. Your unyielding perseverance continues to perplex me (and I’m not even wearing my “I’m interested in joining a cult. Just ask me” t-shirt. It’s a cotton blend. Breathes well.)
Sure. There might be wisdom to reconnecting to the flow of lives through worldly energies, universal powers and geometric symbols...but your heavily doused patrouille makes me too nauseous to even consider your argument.
Please understand that I was born with that seeker gene and open to exploring tools that succeed in making our lives more sensible, purposeful and peaceful. I use comedy. It’s a safe tool. I’ll even throw you a bone (oh right....you’re a vegetarian. I’ll toss over some tofu residue) and won't deny that your claims that my only hope for salvation is to seek solace through angels, ascended masters, ghosts, space aliens and Oprah. I’m just not convinced that these “entities” would choose a person with poor personal hygiene to proselytize their wisdom. Ironic that you stand on a soap box when there seems to be no soap involved. Take a shower...then I’d consider taking your pamphlet. For a toilet read.
So watch out new age fanatics. I will cut you. Just kidding. Oh sorry, you don’t laugh? My bad.
But I will retaliate. Gently.
As I shared on day 15, Jax’s Cult, my agenda is to aggressively recruit you and your target audience to join “Jax’s Cult”, the hippest and most exclusive cult that ever was. The only parameter is that my members are super cool. At our first meeting, I see addressing my followers with the following: “Great to have you all in my super cool exclusive cult. Just to be clear, you must have super cool/exclusive tendencies and have an affinity for Kool–Aid, comets, incense and Nikes. In Jax’s Cult, we don’t really have offerings, sacrificing and mass suicides(on weekdays)…. we’re more into smoking pot, watching LOST, eating Chunky Monkey out of the carton…napping.”
I even have a coffee mug that says: World’s Greatest Cult Leader. I bought it for myself.
If you’re interested in joining, please contact my assistant Voldar at Voldar@Jax’supercoolexclusivecult.com