Jax-isms- 365 Day Blog Entry Challenge of Cosmic Angst Through the Eyes of Comedic Insight

Day 381 - Ask Jax - Part 36

2011-03-29T14:03:00.004-04:00

March 29th, 2011

This is the 36th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Is “lonely schizophrenic” an oxymoron? –Anton Salaks, Los Angeles, California

This is a tough call so I had to consult the voices in my head. Here’s what my delusions revealed to me(via PowerPoint presentation) : Along with “Anarchy rules!”, “Books on Tape” and “A stripper's dressing room”, a “lonely schizophrenic” is indeed a contradictory expression. Disclaimer: I apologize if I offended any readers for minimalizing the severity of mental illness. Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

Will you do a sex tape? - Dan Verkman, Washington, DC

Jax’s Answer - Funny you should ask because my three goals for 2011 were as follows: Become one of Charlie Sheen’s goddesses, give a kitten a pedicure and make a sex tape. I’m proud to share that I have achieved the first 2 missions (and have cat scratches on my face and “the clap” to prove it.) In the remaining nine months of this year, I intend to accomplish my sex tape videography. Good news to my perviest of fans: It will be exponentially raunchy. Bad news: It will only be available on Beta Max.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? - Beth Bernard Curley, Greensboro, North Carolina

I am unable to answer your inquiry. Why?.. you might ask… Bernard Curly of Greensboro, North Carolina. I was born without a tongue. Please refer to the column “Ask a Porn Star.”

http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/

Day 380 - Ask Jax - Part 35

2010-12-22T12:42:00.001-05:00

December 22nd, 2010

This is the 35th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Why is everyone so upset with full body scans? - Eric Bergson, Seattle, Washington

Jax’s Answer: Simple. It’s foreplay without the sex. If you’re not going to close the deal…please refrain from enticing us with those phallicly shaped seductive body scanning devices that make our bodies tingle with heightened pleasure. Plus, I find the airline body scan tease analogous to the time when someone slipped a roofie in my drink…and didn’t even take advantage of me. You know who you are. Shame on you.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop? - Claudia Mizrahi , Brooklyn, New York

Jax’s Answer: Sorry to say, most of us Jewish girls who grew up upper middle class aren’t versed in the world of pawnshops. However, if you’d like to join me for Chinese on Sunday night, I’m available.

I get sad when I think of Helen Keller. Do you? – Anonymous, Orlando, Florida
Jax’s Answer: Not as sad as I feel for this girl playing the deaf blind girl in the following community theater production of the Miracle Worker: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJtEzAW9WSw

Day 379 - Ask Jax - Part 34

2010-12-09T13:49:00.003-05:00

December 9th, 2010

This is the 35th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

When will I see you? - JillSchimmel, New York, New York

Jax Answer - Yes, there are times when I have been compared to Keyser Söze, often spoken of...but never seen. I do work in mysterious ways. Well my sweet Jill, you can feel me with you at all times if you use your third eye while on a disturbingly intense acid trip. Look for me between the 2 animated dancing bears. If you can't find me there...try the Olive Garden in Times Square.

What do you think of one night stands? - Anonymous, Seattle, Washington

Jax's Answer - - Eh, not so into them. When it comes to sex, why have a Twinkie when you could have a crème brûlée? However,in this economy, I do salute the prostitutes utilizing their sexin' for a fee. A slew of one nightstands= Pretty kick ass work ethic.

If I have an itch, should I scratch it? - Adam Holtz, New York, New York

Jax's Answer - There are some questions that the universal answer will always be an absolutely no doubt about it I 'd swear on my mother's grave...and your mother's grave...YES. This is one of those. If you have an itch, for the love of Jesus Harold Christ, scratch it. If you want to torture yourself, watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills...while eating nails. Other inquiries that would always be answered with an affirmative:

- Does a man in a black turtleneck and black pants look like Phil Collins in the No Jacket Required album cover? - Yes

- Is today tomorrow's yesterday? - Yes

- Is it abnormal if a straight guy doesn't fantasize about a threesome? - Yes

*A question Ask Jax would have to research would be: Does a mime shit in the woods? This I do not know.

Can fat people go skinny-dipping? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - Now this question would require the exact opposite stance. My answer to "Can fat people go skinny dipping?" is NO. In truth, they can. But should they? No. No they should not. Think about it. Ew. The following are some questions that would always be answered with the negative:

- Is it right when you see a kid on a leash and a dog in stroller. - No

- DidAsk Jaxgive you your venereal disease? - No

- Do you think that OJ Simpson was just "misunderstood"...? - No

*However, I am unsure of the following: Does OJ Simpson shit in the woods? Again, not sure about this.

http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/

Day 378 - Ask Jax - Part 33

2010-12-01T18:35:00.002-05:00

December 1st, 2010

This is the 33rd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Who likes ice cream more, Ben or Jerry? - Mike Webster, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - Ben & Jerry's was originally called Ben, Jerry & Howie's. Ben Cohen, Jerry Greenfield and Howie McJewishshtein were childhood friends and dessert pioneers who made the world take notice of frozen dairy. They were rewarded with fast cars, fast woman and a plaque from the Surgeon General praising their effort to contribute to America's obesity epidemic. The ice cream empire's downward spiral began when Howie realized that he was the only one pulling the weight when coming up with innovative flavor combinations. Cherry Garcia, Chunky Monkey and Chubby Hubby were all his creations. Meanwhile, Ben and Jerry were responsible for poorly received flavors like Nails & Honey, Oprah Saliva and Vanilla. It did not go over well when Howie confronted his two partners about their lack of creativity. In a deserted Vermont field, Ben and Jerry doused Howie with hot fudge and lighter fluid. His body was never recovered. Oh yes. Who likes ice cream more, Ben or Jerry? Neither care for it. They're lactose intolerant.

Why has it been storming for 24 hours straight. Tell me Jax. Why? - Anonymous, Princeton, New Jersey

Jax's Answer: Rain. God's way of orchestrating a wet t-shirt contest. Perv. But I still want to win.

The annual Christmas tree lighting that takes place in New York City's Rockefeller Center, why all the hype?- Jill Jones, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's answer - I've never really bought into the excessive publicity around this live broadcast. In fact, it troubles me that NBC execs scout out country folk and offer a cash exchange for these people's most prized possession, a 100 foot spruce. People with a giant spruce, I assume your freakishly large tree even has the initials of lovers carved into it. That's adorable. Don't sell out. Interesting note, the original premise of the book, The Giving Tree, wasn't a tale about a long term relationship between a young boy and a tree in a forest. In the original, the boy was approached by the Rockefeller Center higher ups and had no qualms about giving his tree away for their ceremony. This happened on page 2. It was a short book. More of a pamphlet.

Day 377 - Ask Jax - Part 32

2010-11-24T12:32:00.002-05:00

November 24th, 2010

This is the 32nd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

What is the cheapest airline ticket I can buy that will let me get a nice pat down with no intention of ever getting on the flight? - Jason Maxham, Chicago, IL

Jax’s Answer – US "I Will Violate You in Ways That Will Lead to Shame and Confusion" Air

Is the sparrow better in Istanbul near the fire? – Paul Hale, Brooklyn, NY

Jax’s Answer. – If I had a nickel for every time I was asked this question, I’d have 5 cents. The sparrow is absolutely NOT better in Istanbul near the fire. These plump brown-grey birds make the mistake of nesting in buildings in large cities and Istanbul is the 5th largest city in the world with a population of 12.8 million. Sparrow roasting on an open fire (which is also a hit Turkish holiday song) is considered a delicacy in this Far East metropolis. Note to readers. Shall you decided to travel to Istanbul and treat yourself to this succulent dish, I suggest topping it with some A-1 Steak Sauce and a sprig of parsley.

What was Willis talking about? - Dan Neveloff, New York, NY

Jax’s Answer – Seldom discussed was the fact that Willis adhered to the doctrine of opposition to the social and political establishment. So, as it turns out, Willis was talking about Anti establishmentarianism. He was simply trying to explain that he viewed our nation's power structure as corrupt, exploitative and repressive. Also...sometimes, he was talking about bacon.

http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com

Day 376 - Ask Jax - Part 31

2010-11-19T15:01:00.003-05:00

November 19, 2010

This is the 31st installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Why do I find random condoms on the side of the street, on the side walk, even in the park, are there really that many people having sex in public places and they can't throw their used or even unused condoms in a trash bin? Tell me Jax, WHHHHHHHHHY??? - Shelby Richter, Somewhere with Horses, Colorado

Jax’s Answer - Sorry, I'll try to be tidier with my used condoms.

Is it true that women can tell within the first hour of the first date.....?? – Brian Baron, Brooklyn, New York

Jax’s Answer – Absolutely. If a man has a weak handshake, a wandering eye and is wearing a “Bedbugs are Just Misunderstood” t-shirt…then run. Like the wind. Ladies, I also suggest observing how he treats the wait staff. This is how he will treat you in 20 years. As for me, I insist that my date bring a copy of his W-2’s for me to peruse. Let’s not waste our time.

How do people with no arms clean up after using the toilet??? - Jeremy Berk, Los Angeles, California

Jax’s Answer - In 1985, a Trivial Pursuit question taught me that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body. That is all.

Day 375 - Ask Jax - Part 30

2010-11-12T14:18:00.002-05:00

This is the 30th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Why do people groom in public? - Michelle Kraskin, New York, New York

Jax’s Answer: I used to ponder the same conundrum. Then, for the sake of research, I shaved my armpits while walking down 5th Avenue. Never been happier.

What's up with some people never being on time? Paul Hale, Brooklyn New York

Jax’s Answer - The chronically late tend to irritate even those of us who are good natured and patient. I pride myself in being a prompt person so I am generally the recipient of some genuine and inane excuses when someone is a fan of tardiness. I think it really comes down to two types of people who fail to arrived at designated times. Those who have a legitimate excuse and those who are assholes. Be gentle with those who lost track of time because…

- they had to stop at the ATM to get you money for just being a nice guy.
- they were saving a kitten from a tree. It was a Persian.
- they noticed a questionable package on the subway. They saw something. And said something.

Consider removing the tardy offender from your life if they failed to show up on time because…

- they were on the phone with your mom…discussing your failures.
- they were at a “Save the Bedbugs” rally.
- they were putting a questionable package on the subway.

I just got reamed out by a gay man via email and he won’t return my calls to discuss the matter at hand? - Anonymous, San Francisco, California

Jax’s Answer - Ahhh yes,the one who throws the grenade into the woods then runs out of the forest. They’re precious. Simple: If you’re gonna be such a bitch… don't be such a pussy.

-

Day 374 - Ask Jax - Part 29

2010-11-05T16:49:00.004-04:00

November 5th, 2010

This is the 29th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity.

Is it wrong that I get annoyed when people say, “Let us not forget 9-11?” – Anonymous, New York, New York

Jax’s Answer: Not as wrong as my friend who says, “Let us not forget 11-9.” He found out 2 months late.

Is seeing someone who lives in NJ geographic relationship suicide? - Heather Antonelli, Brooklyn, New York

Jax’s Answer: If your geographical preferences lean toward an over-paved gloomy wasteland that’s spiritually dead, then I think your relationship has the capacity to develop into something that could benefit your mind, body and spirit. Or at least just your body. I say proudly saunter across the Hudson and nuzzle comfortably in the bosom of your new man. Just watch out for the gold chain. Also, please remove your bumper sticker that says: Jersey, A Good Place to Pass Through. At Night. While you’re there, I recommend also disposing of the bumper sticker that reads: DUKAKIS '88.

Can people change - Page Newsom Pelphrey, Guilford Connecticut

According to a Brady Brunch song that aired January 14th, 1972, the world learned that people can indeed change. Let’s review the lyrics to “Time To Change” which allowed Peter to embrace his awkward journey through puberty.

“When it's time to change, then it’s time to change

Don't fight the tide, come along for the ride, don't you see

When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange

who you are into what you're gonna be.

Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na

Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na"

Powerful stuff. We too should take Peter’s lead and know that we can overcome the fear of change… of course, only through Brady song.

Have you ever had sex while coming off sodium pentothal and hopped up on Jack Daniels and Percocet?Scott Stern, Los Angeles, California

Jax’s Answer: According to my rash, yes…yes I have.

http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/

Day 373 - Ask Jax - Part 28

2010-10-31T14:52:00.000-04:00

October 31st, 2010

This is the 28th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York

Jax’s Answer: Clearly the professor did possess the technical skills to remedy the holy boat…but ultimately decided against utilizing his expertise. Why? Life on a remote island can get lonely. And kinky. Growing tired of Gilligan’s dimwitted shenanigans, the 3 attractive shipwrecked passengers, the professor, Ginger and Mary Ann partook in provocatively deviant threesomes that involved bamboo, a stethoscope and enthusiasm. Skipper filmed. The professor had no inclination to return home to his wife, a professor who taught” The Benefits of Being Frigid.”

A few days ago I spent $18 on a whole red snapper. It seemed like a lot of fish, but when we got down to it, it wasn't really that much bang for the buck. How do you shop for seafood and make sure you get quality for the money? - Jon Reitzes, Brooklyn, New York

Jax’s Answer: Mistake # 1 one. You were seduced by the glamour and mystique of the "faux meaty" red snapper, the so-called “prized culinary white-fish". You need to think outside of the fish tank and be willing to explore lesser known edible impressively fleshy fish that still satisfy your craving for fishy goodness. Budget friendly options include mermaids, mermen and sushi that’s been marinating in 90 degree weather for 3 days.

Kermit vs. Yoda? - Jarod Kearney, Staunton, Virginia

Jax’s Answer - Let me ask you this Jarod. If injustice came your way, who would you seek solace with?

1 –An incredibly powerful Jedi Master who can teach you the way of the force.

Or

2 –A felt amphibian who dates a pig and can only communicate when there’s a hand up his ass.

Day 372 - Hot. Or Not

2010-10-27T12:53:00.002-04:00

October 27th, 2010

It’s been brought to my attention (by me) that there are two types of attractive people in the world:

1) Those who won the genetic lottery from day one and have sauntered through life exhibiting undeniable good looks.

2) Then there are those that started off with a low rating on the attractive scale and then became united with the gift of good looks later in life.

When I speak of “attractive” in this entry, I am not including stellar personalities and someone with an essence that exudes a golden light. I’m reaching for the lowest common denominator and only defining beauty in the superficial physical sense. You know that beautiful person. The one who undoubtedly provokes an extended glance from anyone with a heartbeat (and genitals) regardless of gender, religion, race, social status, political leanings, sexual preferences, etc.

My limited to no research on this topic was piqued when I lived in Greenwich Village and had a neighbor whose olive complexioned good looks would warrant 2 thumbs up. From people with opposable thumbs. My instincts told me that he landed in the cute all his life category. To my delight, we started talking in the hall, the elevator and outside the building. Then “rational Jax” bitch slapped “heart is flutter” Jax and pointed out that my building crush was the only one doing the talking. About his perceived awesomeness. He was trying to launch some upscale men’s magazine whose target audience seemed to be men who were also attractive for their whole lives. Rational Jax was right. All I was doing was smiling and nodding. And my neck hurt.

Could it be that those who spend a lifetime relying on good looks have been cursed with underdeveloped personalities? The reason I ask is because I have vacillated from good stages to bad stages in the looks arena for a lifetime. Here’s the time line:

Age 0-2 – Really challenging time for Jax. I was “eh” looking and the exaggeration of fat. This perplexed my viewers as my parents were called Ken & Barbie and my older brother was oh so Gerber baby.

Ages 3-9 – This was a happy time for me. I slimmed out, grew long blond hair and finally looked like I was a Kabat. I was the quintessential waspy looking Jew. Bonus that I was featured in the local newspaper. Decorating a Christmas tree.

Ages 10-12 – These were gut wrenching years of an insecure preteen horror show and the beginning of frequent trips to the dermatologist. He looked like Phil Donahue.

Age 13 – I had a brief puberty year of hotness. Older men looked at my body. Flattering. And creepy.

Age 14- Today – Continued good days and bad days. On July 17th, 1995 I looked great in the morning and lost my game by the afternoon.

I assume flowing through life with multiple levels of attractiveness was the catalyst for developing somewhat of a personality. On the contrary, my old neighbor seemed to be sliding by because of never living the agony of sub par looks. Interesting note, rational Jax just informed me that his body has taken a downward spiral and has become shaped like a pear.

Sometimes this developed personality of mine is that of an asshole.

Day 371 - Harriet Simon Kabat

2010-10-19T10:55:00.002-04:00

October 19th, 2010

Eulogy for Harriet Simon Kabat – by Jacqueline Kabat
March18th, 1920 – October 15th, 2010

Harriet Kabat, the selfless force of nature truly grateful for the world around her. My Cousin Elaine’s husband Brad summed her up with precision. “She keeps the light on for everyone.” Why? Because that’s what family does .That’s my Grandmother.

She devoted her life to maintaining a joie de vivre and making every member of her family feel special. The most special.

She taught the world (by example) that we have the choice to experience a joyful life when we devote every moment to authentic compassion, strength in character and laughter.

“Honey,” She’d tell me. “We’re a laughing family.”
During this last month, she didn’t want tears. Only laughter. And that we shared with her.

Even as her physical health rapidly declined, she remained strong in emotion. Strong in spirit. And very much at peace. As her final gift, the matriarch who had been our constant cheerleader and nurturer gave us the opportunity to discover a strength in ourselves by allowing us to care for her. Without words, we knew that she was sighing in contentment and thinking, “My family…I am so lucky…”

Jewish tradition and philanthropy were ingrained in her ethical core values. Last week, we discovered a Beth David Synagogue newsletter from 1961 where Grandma and Grandpa were welcomed as newcomers: It read, "We are very happy to announce that MR. AND MRS. JULIAN KABAT have joined our congregation. We hope that they will participate actively in our many programs.” That they did. Grandma maintained strong ties with Beth David throughout her life, served as the President of the Sisterhood and was a life member of Hadassah.

I was truly blessed to grow up around the corner from my grandparents. Their house was home. To her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, their friends, our friends and even travelling rabbis who they would welcome into their kosher home. My heart feels the fullest when I recall our shared holiday meals of eating grandmas brisket, lamb chops and matzo bri. Another Grandma signature dish were her apple and cherry pies (that later we discovered were premade Mrs. Smith’s from Winn Dixie.)

Grandma loved games. Scott, Elaine and I would sit around her kitchen table for hours playing cards, dreidel and, of course, the Grandma signature… heated and competitive rounds of rummy cue.

We’d lay in bed with Grandma and Grandpa for cuddly sleepovers and Scott and I would be in awe of the impressive hot water heater at their house at 610 Woodvale Drive.

Grandma believed in us. Grandma laughed with us. Grandma hugged us. Grandma listened to us. Her reply to many of my profound and inane little girl statements were “How about that?!”

Grandma and Grandpa cheered on their grandchildren at t-ball games, piano recitals, swim meets, gymnastic tournaments, soccer games and exhibited the most heighted form of love with their willingness to sit through my 2 minutes of stage time during 6 hour dance recitals.

My grandparents were part of a beautiful love story. In the morning, Grandma would sit at the kitchen table in her robe (braless), drinking a black cup of coffee, eating toast and laughing out loud while reading the comics. Even then, Grandpa would praise the woman he adored by describing her as “a vision.”

In 1944, Grandpa proposed to Grandma at the Copacabana while they were dancing to the song, String of Pearls. During her last days, we played this song over and over for her. Even without words, it was clear that she heard it as she held my Aunt Roberta’s hand, pulled it up to her cheek and peacefully smiled.

In her last week, we also read to Grandma the 50 years of profoundly tender, passionate and humorous love letters that Grandpa sent to her.

37 years ago, on Mother’s Day, he wrote the following:

On The Thirteenth of May in Seventy Three
The Kabats were gathered around the tree
No, that would be a Christmas song
And for this time of year, t'would be wrong
The family is gathered in celebration
For the greatest mom in all the nation
She may have grown gray from all her trials
But she's OK for a lot more miles
A set of girls and a set of boys
Has given her boundless and endless joys
In the race of "moms", she's an easy winner
So tonight we'll take her out to dinner
And to show our love, by golly, by heck
We'll tell the waiter to give her the check.

This past March, 35 relatives gathered in Charlotte, North Carolina for Grandma’s 90th birthday celebration. For three days, four generations of Kabats just “hung out” eating the 60 Omaha steaks Grandma bought, drinking from Elaine and Brad’s “rockin’” bar in their basement, taking family portraits and watching little girls dance in princess dresses. As Grandma sat in her thrown like chair, people kept circulating to visit. She looked so happy and said, “Grandpa is looking down and watching every move.”

At this birthday celebration, I sat with Elaine’s two angelic children (Lila is 5 and Joanna is 8) and asked them a few questions about their Bubby.

Jax - What do you want to tell Bubby?

Joanna – I’ve lost seven teeth now

Lila - I love her

Jax - Do you like cuddling with Bubby in her bed?

Lila & Joanna - Yes. Because she’s cuddly.

Jax – What’s your favorite gift from Bubby?

Joanna – The money. For my first tooth

Lila –A baby the doll

Jax - What’s the doll’s name?

Lila - Baby Harriet

Jax – What do you like best about Bubby?

Lila – She is funny

Joanna – She is very funny and makes me laugh a lot. When I think of Bubby I think of her kindness.

On the last night of Grandma’s birthday celebration, the family participated in a formal tribute and all shared funny stories, sentimental memories and even video footage from her cousin Barbara’s wedding at her house in 1954. It was happiness. It was real. It was an overwhelming reminder that we have had so many good days.

Everyone was s laughing. And crying. The kind of tears Grandma would approve of. There was a collective understanding that this was a pivotal weekend dedicated to the woman who flowed through life humbly and gracefully.

As I conclude, I’d like to share an interview I had with Grandma at her 90th birthday that I feel captures the essence of Harriet Kabat.

Jax - You had an accident a few years ago that resulted with a “dead pinkie”…tell us about that day?

Grandma Harriet – That’s true. I was having a mahjong game and my ladies were coming for lunch. I was making a very lovely lunch of stuffed tomatoes with tuna salad. And then I was making iced tea… the pitcher dropped, broke and cut my finger. I wrapped it in a sanitary napkin and continued to fix my lunch for my ladies. They suggested that I call the doctor. But first I played Mahjong because there was money involved. I left for the hospital in the middle of the game. My pinkie needed surgery and it’s never been the same since.

Jax - Have you ever repeated any stories?

Grandma Harriet – Oh noooooo…

Jax- -When did you know that you were in love with Grandpa?

Grandma Harriet: The moment I met him. He worked at a firm in Paterson, NJ which is where I grew up. He knew the same people that I knew. And we were married seven months later.

Jax - You tell long stories. Do you feel it’s important to treat it like an endurance sport and hydrate in between?

Grandma Harriet – (laughing) I just like to talk.

Jax– If anything happens in life that is hard…how do you deal with it?

Grandma Harriet–Deal with it

Jax – Any regrets in your life?

Grandma Harriet – None. No regrets.

Jax- You ran bingo for years at your independent living. What was the biggest scandal?

Grandma Harriet – People were talking too loud at the wrong times so I yelled, “Be quiet!”

Jax– Any word of advice for your family?

Grandma Harriet– Just be happy with each other. Nothing makes me happier than the fact that you are all very close. I want it to stay that way. Or else you’ll hear from me. I’m the luckiest lady at this point in anyone’s life. I have more than anyone. I have all my children, grandchildren and great children. Everyone around me is very special. Each and every one has their little way. And they make me feel special.

Day 370 - Be My Literary Agent and I Will Buy You a Pony

2010-10-04T15:09:00.004-04:00

October 4th, 2010

In order to seek an agent who will pitch my book proposal to publishers, I am throwing my book overview out to the virtual community....where stars are born...and legends are made. If you help me, I will return the favor in ways that are ethical and legal.

- Jax

THE OVERVIEW:

Jacqueline’s concept for the book is to share a series of compelling essays that takes readers on a hilariously fun ride by dissecting universal topics through the skewed prism of her comedic and insightful sensibility. People will identify with the vivid pictures that she paints while using her original, unflinchingly candid and one of a kind trademark wit to cross the bridge that connects her heart to her head.

Jacqueline trusts her comedic instincts and her “we’re all in this together” approach to humorously guide her in sharing her over the top witty, honest and fearless points of views for readers to consider. Her essays are a catalyst that allows readers to express (through laughter) the anxiety they feel around life serving up ironic, maddening and sheer ridiculous circumstances.

The information in the book comes from Jacqueline’s lifetime of finding the absurd in the ordinary and 14 years of expertise, material and lessons learned from being a professional Manhattan based comedian involved in all aspects of stand-up comedy, improvisation, teaching comedy, sketch writing and blogging. From August 2009-August 2010, Jacqueline committed to writing daily essays in her 365 Day Blog Entry Challenge of Cosmic Angst Through the Eyes of Comedic Insight. Much of the book will be derived from the topics from the year’s project. Please visit her blog: http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com.

The engaging tone of Jacqueline’s work feels as if she is really “talking to” her readers and keenly aware that they’re strangers looking at her view of life for the first time. As a result, she has the ability to use her insightful comedic instincts to connect and tap into the pulse of her readers with humor, introspection and lack of pretense. Jacqueline’s uniqueness has served her in all aspects of her comedic career as she is an “urban cool” sexy tall blond Jew from the south who allows her readers to feel less isolated in a world filled with ironic circumstances. When most people are afraid to speak their mind, Jacqueline’s voice reaches male and female readers in metropolitan areas as much as those in middle-America who all “hear” her spot on delivery and conversational tone without being indulgent.

The promise of this book is that Jacqueline will succeed in entertaining a broad audience by sharing her intrinsically funny speaking voice, vulnerability and clarity that lets the audience know that they are reading for pleasure, comfort and the notion that they’re not alone in being perplexed by life’s oddities. Readers are guaranteed a therapeutic laugh without hallmark-cardesque nausea. Whether it's read in one sitting or one essay at a time, Jacqueline will accomplish in taking her readers on a comic trip that embraces the lives they’re living while giving them permission to let go of feeling guilty about who they are, laugh at things that they relate to on an emotional level and gain a sense of belonging in a world where people are desperately craving authenticity and connections.

Day 369 – You Can’t Change the World by Freaking People Out

2010-09-21T13:50:00.002-04:00

September 21, 2010

Dear Over The Top New Agey Types,

You can’t change the world by freaking people out.

New Agers…I write to you as a group(even though I’m certain that it’s safe to assume that some of your names are Dandelion Vegan, Harmony Dosha and Tom Cruise.)

You guys have been approaching me for years assuming that I possess those “Je ne sais what” attributes that would make me the obvious choice to join your cohesive social groups of lost souls. Your unyielding perseverance continues to perplex me (and I’m not even wearing my “I’m interested in joining a cult. Just ask me” t-shirt. It’s a cotton blend. Breathes well.)

Sure. There might be wisdom to reconnecting to the flow of lives through worldly energies, universal powers and geometric symbols...but your heavily doused patrouille makes me too nauseous to even consider your argument.

Please understand that I was born with that seeker gene and open to exploring tools that succeed in making our lives more sensible, purposeful and peaceful. I use comedy. It’s a safe tool. I’ll even throw you a bone (oh right....you’re a vegetarian. I’ll toss over some tofu residue) and won't deny that your claims that my only hope for salvation is to seek solace through angels, ascended masters, ghosts, space aliens and Oprah. I’m just not convinced that these “entities” would choose a person with poor personal hygiene to proselytize their wisdom. Ironic that you stand on a soap box when there seems to be no soap involved. Take a shower...then I’d consider taking your pamphlet. For a toilet read.

So watch out new age fanatics. I will cut you. Just kidding. Oh sorry, you don’t laugh? My bad.

But I will retaliate. Gently.

As I shared on day 15, Jax’s Cult, my agenda is to aggressively recruit you and your target audience to join “Jax’s Cult”, the hippest and most exclusive cult that ever was. The only parameter is that my members are super cool. At our first meeting, I see addressing my followers with the following: “Great to have you all in my super cool exclusive cult. Just to be clear, you must have super cool/exclusive tendencies and have an affinity for Kool–Aid, comets, incense and Nikes. In Jax’s Cult, we don’t really have offerings, sacrificing and mass suicides(on weekdays)…. we’re more into smoking pot, watching LOST, eating Chunky Monkey out of the carton…napping.”

I even have a coffee mug that says: World’s Greatest Cult Leader. I bought it for myself.

If you’re interested in joining, please contact my assistant Voldar at Voldar@Jax’supercoolexclusivecult.com

XOXO

-Jax

http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/

Day 368 - Ask Jax - Part 27

2010-09-20T13:48:00.002-04:00

September 20th, 2010

This is the 27th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. Although I have completed my 365 day blog entry challenge, continuing to regurgitate blog seems to clear my mind as I am putting together my book pitch to submit to agents. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions. Also, Universe, if you're wondering if I'm interested in, ready and able to have my own Ask Jax column in a reputable publication...the answer is yes. Yes I am.

If the pen is mightier than the sword...where does the pencil fit into the equation? - Pete Schwinge, Brooklyn York

Jax’s Answer - Sadly, the pencil has been obliterated from the equation altogether since the pen catapulted into fame and became the “it” writing utensil in the world of “writing to paper”. The pencil is the Blackberry to the iPhone of pens, the Gary Busey to the Nick Nolte, the Stedman to the Oprah. The Number 2 pencils avoided extinction for some time… but ultimately joined the already ousted Number 1 and 3 pencils working as souvlaki skewers at a restaurant with a questionable sanitary rating, Sharwarma Hut.

How can my microwave determine exactly when my popcorn is ready but can't ever figure out when my brisket is warm enough to eat? – Brian Levy, Dallas, Texas

Jax’s Answer

1) Brisket = Popular Jewish holiday dish

2) Microwave= Unable to determine when brisket is warm enough to eat.

3) Microwave= Anti-Semitic

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York

Jax’s Answer – Even the most sadistic and malicious of cannibals are sane enough not to include clowns into their diets. These flesh eating psychopaths, like me, find clown…creepy. Still find yourself in the delusional group that claims, “Clowns? Whatevs. I’m cool with them.”? Please read my entry on day 175:

Jax’s Clown Detainee Camp. For Clowns. Who Do Clown-like Things

January 30th, 2010

My friend Dan asked me why clowns always have tears.

My question to Dan. Would you be crying if you went through life wearing unusually large footwear, forced to sit in a cramped car with 30 of your peers and frequently accused of molesting children?

The reality: Unusually grotesquely costumed and made up jesters that elicit an amused response in a buffoon-like manner can be the catalyst for a paella of feelings. One’s response to a clown might depend on where it is seen. At the circus, a clown is (relatively) normal and may easily be interpreted as a successful amuser of sorts (but so are gay lion tamers.) The same clown holding a family hostage in their isolated country home is more likely to generate fear and distress rather than laughter and amusement.

Ronald McDonald, the seemingly lovable mascot for McDonald's, is referred to as a molester of the children in the majority of Urban Dictionary’s 34 definitions. Sample sentence: “Poor little Jimmy got 'Ronald' again.” The other definitions more gently refer to him as Adolph Hitler, a Marxist and the code name for a lewd sexual act. Luckily for Ronald, attention has been steered away from him ever since the introduction of the new Burger King mascot. I can think of very few things that would traumatize me more than waking up to the abnormally smiley plastic faced “Creepy King” handing me his Whopper while the “Have it Your Way” jingle is playing amongst the chirping birds. You know what Burger King marketing execs? I don’t want it that way. Besides, who wants to eat a hamburger consisting of a flame grilled quarter-pound beef patty, sesame seed bun, mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, pickles, ketchup and sliced onion first thing in the morning. Come on.

So Dan, yes clowns might be crying but you know who else might be shedding tears? We are. Clowns have been terrorizing us since the beginning of time (and "Poltergeist") and they can’t make up for it by twisting balloons into puppies, swords and intestines.

Followers of my blog know that I have a dream of starting a line of Baby Doo-rags. For babies. In baby gangs. I also have another heartfelt agenda that I am voicing for the first time on day 175 of my 365 blog day entry challenge. Jax’s Clown Detainee Camp. For clowns. Who do clown-like things. With the help of Jack Bauer and being forced to spend 18 hours a day miming for blind people, clowns will be stripped of all that has caused gut wrenching fear and dread over the human race for years.

The jig is up Bozo.

http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/

Day 367 - Ask Jax - Part 26

2010-08-31T13:04:00.010-04:00

August 31st, 2010

This is the 26th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. Although I have completed my 365 day blog entry challenge, continuing to regurgitate blog seems to clear my mind as I am putting together my book pitch to submit to agents. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

How many people can I blame for an "air biscuit" on an elevator before being discovered? Say 8 others are riding said elevator. - Zachary B Atkinson, Wilmington, North Carolina

Jax's Answer - Your air biscuits, anal acoustics, backdoor breezes and butt blowing bugles are really just cries of imprisoned fecal matter. Blame yourself, own it and just explain to the 8 other elevator passengers that you always get a nervous stomach when you're drunk, disgruntled and have a gun.

What are the winning lottery numbers? - Roberta Scott, San Francisco, California

Jax's Answer - Jenny’s number. 867-5309

When we go out for sushi, my boyfriend only orders California Rolls. What does that say about him? - Anonymous, Madison, Wisconsin.

Jax's Answer - Only eating California is like saying you love the Grateful Dead. But the only song you know is "Truckin'".

So why did the dish run away with the spoon? - Heather Antonelli, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - The earliest recorded version of the English nursery rhyme "Hey Diddle Diddle" was printed in London in Mother Goose's Melody around 1765, with the lyrics:

High diddle diddle,
The Cat and the Fiddle,
The Cow jump'd over the Moon,
The little dog laugh'd to see such Craft,
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon.

The history. The Dish and the Spoon first met when they were part of a high end Pottery Barn display setting. They were thrown out on the street after Dish was maliciously gossiping about a floral Decorative Pillow Cover being gay. Spoon was ostracized for seducing a Fork and branded as a whore for having a baby, a Spork. Dish and Spoon panhandled on the streets of London before Mother Goose, the Mother Teresa of rescuing impoverished dishware, saved them. Life was good....until Cow jumping over the moon landed on Dish...leaving him cracked, deformed and the plate where the Purina was served to the fiddling cat and laughing dog. Spoon had also reached the peak of humiliation when Mother Goose took a liking to hanging her from her nose. So the Dish and the Spoon got out of dodge in search of a more prestigious life. Where did they runaway to? There was an open call for Judas's place setting at The Last Supper.

Day 366 - I'm Back with a Blog & Tonic. Just Trying to Thrivive.

2010-08-12T18:20:00.004-04:00

August 12th, 2010

It's been four days since the last day of my "365 Day Blog Entry Challenge of Cosmic Angst Through the Eyes of Comedic Insight". If you want to peruse the synopsis of my experience of this endeavor, visit http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com and read , "Day 365 - The Finale: Drunk. Drunk off Blog". Next step- pitch as book to literary agents. Goal it ready to submit to agents by September 17th. On deadline and my boss (me) is breathing down my neck. Bitch. And she didn't even wear a bra today.

I'm back bloggin' sooner than expected. It appears as if I have a genetic predisposition for getting drunk. Off blog. My poison? Blog and Tonic. With an umbrella.

Plus, I missed y'all...the rapport, the pillow fights...the walks on the beach discussing feminine products. Sure, I've risked the chance that you've moved on to another blog with a fancier backdrop. I know how you love paisley. I can't commit to daily entries... but just know I am available to be your part time blog lover.

Despite the fact that I am still supersonically driven to take McBlog to the next level, I was feeling a tinge of that sluggish malaise that visits us after those grandiose positive occurrences. Luckily before I got hooked on drowsiness, these happenings kept me in the flow.

- From the largish amounts of congratulations, it turns out that more people were reading than I had assumed. That felt good. Real good.

- I discovered that if printed Day 1 - Day 365, it would equal a 505 page book. My blogasphere output seemed tangible..and I like to touch things.

- My creative genius friend, Amanda Berlin, asked to interview me for the site. http://the-thrivivalist.com/. According to Amanda, I was a Thrivivalist: (n) thri-vie-vuhl-ist, one who lives in a state of thriving, living life with fervor, with love, and with integrity, minute by minute, not only during times of adversity.

As I never like to disappoint anyone who takes time to blow smoke up my ass, I answered her inquiry with a, "Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!"

I shall share:

What does "thriving" mean to you?

Thriving is directly related to owning your passion, the confidence to carve your own path and keeping your sense of humor. Laughing at our mistakes is an immediate remedy for self criticism. I also feel maintaining a deep empathy for others and yourself is a crucial quality. Making the effort to resonate with others keeps us grounded, selfless and humble. Thriving is the payback we get by tapping into our emotional intelligence to be sensitive, genuine and patient with ourselves and the world around us.

What do you do on a regular basis in an effort to thrive?

Write. I'm not only speaking about my 365 day blog entry challenge. If I say, think, see, hear or feel anything that makes me take pause...I know it's worth holding onto. It might serve me creatively in five minutes or 5 years. I trust that what's reaching me on any level is absolutely connected to my passion.

In what ways have you gone from survival mode to thrivival mode?

I started to embrace my "think outside of the box" wiring. On the last day of my blog I wrote, "Upon review of blogs past... there were days that not only was I out of the box... I was miles away from the box. Or kilometers if I lived in Europe." My readers were appreciating and finding humor in the way I was processing everyday trial and tribulations. This support allowed my writing to develop because I had the confidence that my big, perplexing and amusing choices were resonating with my readers. And myself.

What are some things that get in the way of your efforts to thrive?

Being involved in so many aspects of comedy (performing, writing and teaching) has the potential to feel overwhelming and leave me scattered. The year long blog challenge kept me working, focused and curious. Committing to write everyday forced me to be accountable to my readers. To myself. My life on an "unconventional path" used to make me overly sensitive to what others thought about me. Upon reflection, I've come to realize that I am ultimately judging myself and creating a self sabotaging and debilitating occurrence that will undoubtedly put a halt to my focus, passion and creativity.

If you feel low, how do you boost your level of thriving?

Shifting self-critical thoughts is the first step because one negative idea has the capacity to turn into an 8-lane highway if we allow it be all-consuming. It's unbelievable how unkind we can be to ourselves. I would never treat anyone the way I treat myself at times. I have a very thin veil around me and tend to absorb people's energy very easily. This has been a great challenge when in the company of people who see themselves as victims...but has also served as a powerful healing tool. When life appears to be working against me, I try my best to surround myself with positive people with giving, authentic and loving energy. This seems to clear the negative emotions that could hold me back from success. I also suggest that diving into some creative endeavor can shift a mood quite fast by keeping us present. I've discovered that there is some wisdom to simply approaching fear, shaking hands with it and than transmuting the (real or perceived) fear into any medium of art. I generally process hardship into some form of comedy.

Is there someone whose efforts to thrive you really admire? Who and why?

My students. As a comedy improv teacher, I am aware that most of my students haven't played since they were children. Watching them step out of their comfort zones and unleash all fear and inhibitions never seizes to inspire me. They are constantly reminding me that although there are times we feel off-centered and unsure, there is the potential for us to thrive and become alive by simply getting up, doing something, trying it out, making mistakes, playing, laughing and trying it once again. Teachers teach what they need to learn.

The Finale - Day 365 - Drunk. Drunk off Blog

2010-08-08T23:59:00.006-04:00

August 8th, 2010

I'm feeling pressured. Totally self induced. I feel obliged that this final entry should promise closure, entice your senses and serve up some climactic event that will have you saying, "Wow. That Jax really ended her ‘365 Day Blog Entry Challenge of Cosmic Angst Through the Eyes of Comedic Insight’ in a satisfying way. I’m drunk. Drunk off blog.”

A promise I hope to fulfill: I will reach to my depths to satisfy (despite my performance anxiety.) I’ve developed deep empathy for men feeling the pressure to have "the sex" after heavy alcohol consumption.

One year ago, this I knew:

- I was not prolifically oozing creative gems out of my pores.
- I felt blocked.
- I was in critical need to bring back the “flow" of my life.
- When I am stagnant my spirit is in danger of plummeting.
- Forward movement in my life has always been connected to authentic creative expression.

Our patterns are observed by the sum of our experiences and the through line in my life is very clear to me: My happiness is directly linked to creative expression. Being involved in the arts provides intense bliss. And stress. Seldom anything in between. Quite simply, creativity=health. I figured that committing to a daily blog entry could return me to this flow thing, give my inner creative workings "a place to live” and keep me disciplined and accountable to you. To Me. To Us.

So I took that first step down that invisible staircase.

I know that I flourish artistically when I shake up my environment. Over the last year, my laptop and I have served up blog to you from a Chinese restaurant, my bed, on balconies, on couches, in bars, in the apartments of a few "special" men who have crossed my path this year, airplanes, trains, limos(not the fancy ones), subways, New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Austin, Charleston, SC(3 times), a mid 80's-esque library basement in Sag Harbor, open mics, The Trump Soho Hotel in Soho, The Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, my hair salon, a hospital waiting room when visiting my stepfather, the stoop in front of my apartment and many coffee shops(most notable, Naidre's Cafe down the street from my apartment.)

Then half a year had passed and on day 182 , we celebrated my blog’s half birthday. We ate ½ a cake. With marzipan. Good news: I was over the hump. Bad news: I spent $750 on soy lattes in six months.

At my halfway point, I perused 182 days of material and here’s where I took you. You’re welcome. Or I’m sorry. Your choice. In summation: There have been times that I have been tempted to throw an intervention for myself because I’m a big of fan of crudités, boxes of wine and denial. We learned that tits are powerful and I stopped getting things for free in the winter months when I am covered up. In the summer, the neighborhood scaffolding guy asked for my phone number because I looked like I had a “nice set of personalities.” Choosing a waxer is like picking a lover because both involve an act so intimate which involves endurance, strength, shared sensory experiences and interdependence. My dream is to have a bar called Bar Mitzvah. I’ll have an endless supply of top shelf Manishevitz, patrons will pay in savings bonds and I’ll have a sign behind the bar that says," Hava Nagila Have a Tequila!” I’m convinced that when men go to the bathroom with each other that they joyfully piss on each other while chanting, “God DAMN! I LOVE HAVING A PENIS!!!” I had some reflective days and wrote about being in control of life’s challenges as opposed to allowing them to control us. I conceptualized an ice skating show spectacular entitled “Sure. This is The First Time You Weren’t Able to Maintain an Erection. On Ice.” We learned the power of the blogosphere when someone with the title “Executive in Charge” from Jerry Seinfeld’s production company asked me to take a post down that could be damaging. I did not and wrote a blog entitled “Executive in Charge of Myself.”: http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-125-executive-in-charge-of-myself.html. You now know that I intend to start a line called Jax's Baby Doo-Rags. For babies. In baby gangs. I tested your knowledge in determining if someone was a Jew, not-a-Jew or Canadian. I shared Jax’s Guidelines For Using Time-Outs With Adults. I admitted to my readers that I feel like I live inside a Broadway musical because I once dated a guy whose last name was Of The Opera…first name, Phantom, I have an usher in my apartment who escorts me to my furniture and I once had a cat that could sing, dance and did a gripping rendition of the song “Memories.” She went on to have a promising film career.. then got involved with the Taco Bell dog and died from a chimichanga overdose. We learned that on Christmas, Moses took Jesus to T.G.I Fridays for his birthday. I created a 12-Step program for hipsters do de-hipsterize. We compared PMS to a tornado, learned how to make love while conscious, read a fairytale entitled “The Serotonin That Lost Its Way” and went inside a purse and learned that our keys are gay.

I made note that if I was in still in the depths of an emotional, physical or a spiritual abyss, I wouldn’t have been able to stick to this project. Especially in the depths of winter. No easy task. There were blizzard like days where I was cursing out loud while walking through “wintry mixes” of evil. But I got to my destination, wiped the tears from my eyes and wrote:

- Day 114 - "The Weather = Satan"
- Day 132 - "Sorry to be Stern Winter. Tough Love"
- Day 137 – (Hot)"Toddy and Avoidance"

Then I softened up on Day 186 when I wrote, “Snow : The Sexiest of the Precipitations”. This entry was a preview for Fox’s newest reality show called “So You Want to be a Water Vapor Falling from the Sky Idol.” Judged by Simon Cowell, Snow won and went to Hollywood. Sadly, it didn’t end well for Hail when Simon said, “Did you really believe that you could become the next ‘Water Vapor Falling from the Sky Idol’? You’re a pathetic excuse for a complex dance between moisture, wind and ice crystals. You have to commit. Do you want to fall to earth or not? Go back to your cumulus cloud, lose some weight and if you want to pursue a career in precipitation, don't.”

At the half way point, I saw that my writing style was directly applicable to my many (many) years of improv experience and a few years of stand up. Improv is only effective when we’re writing on our feet. I took that facet of unscripted performance and applied it to being stringent about conceptualizing what I was going to write each day…on each day. Not before. Also, another fundamental improv rule is to always make your partner look good. Since I write from the assumption that “we’re all in this together”, I tried to be kind to my readers. I hope I succeeded. If not, just remember I think your ass looks great in those jeans.

My learnings from stand up came into play by attempting to write as if I was speaking to you conversationally. Not at you. I find it cathartic to tap into topics that we collectively find ironic and anger arousing…and then I like to put a candy wrapper around it. I discovered that I was choosing the words, using the punctuation and attempting to create a rhythm similar to how I deliver words while on stage(while you were obligated to a 2 drink minimum.)

Jumping into part two of the year’s writing-palooza was notably less daunting. There were hints of spring and I went from having no friends in my neighborhood to 30 friends who are "soul authentic friends" feeding me laughs, depth and reassurance that they have my back. The stage was set for me to apply another pertinent improv rule. Have fun.

I’ve always been told that I can think outside of the box…but upon review of blogs past... there were days that not only was I out of the box… I was miles away from the box. Or kilometers if I lived in Europe. I’m even perplexed and amused that the following were thought processes brought to you by me:

- On day 239 –“How to Resurrect – by Jesus H. Christ” - “This new book at the critics in agreement: “Finally an easy ‘how to’ guide that will have you resurrecting in no time! If you liked Judas’s critically acclaimed ‘Trader. Liar. Friend’...this book’s for you!”

- Day 238 – “Teeth. And Why you Need Them” – “The Tooth Fairy shouldn’t be required to visit anyone after puberty. And come on…like she’s not busy enough. She Tooth fairies at night. And strips during the day.”

- Day 363 – “ Motorcycle Guy: You Are So Cool, It Hurts” - “Ladies, it's of considerable value to prioritize. Let's stay focused. Although it's likely that our motorcycle man's time on earth will be cut short due to a bloody collision on the highway, he's smokin' hot before he expires. We can't consume our thoughts with the negatives that tell us a motorcycle itself provides virtually no protection in a crash. Sure, our special guy will take the full brunt of impact, is at risk of being thrown off the bike and being hit by other vehicles on the road. Bury those thoughts and have the attitude of gratitude. Our guy (that is immune to joy and grief) is assured in his superiority and sends a message of nonconformity. Except, of course, conforming to other men who ride motorcycles.”

As I was getting closer to day 365, I wanted to continue to have fun, grow and learn. And learn I did. While experiencing(and writing about) an intense case of writer’s block on day 203. I learned that there was an ailment that I have never suffered from - Penis panic. Sufferers become convinced that their genitals are disappearing into their bodies. It can be contagious and penis panic swept through Singapore in 1967 and thousands of men became convinced that their penises were being stolen. This was information I was unaware of on day 202.

Interesting note, I celebrated both of my grandmother’s 90th birthdays during this writing project. I used my blog as the place to document how pivotal these 2 women have been in my life. Not only did I share my tributes with my readers, I shared them with my grandmothers. Very Poignant. Expressing gratitude to those we love should always be shared when we have our time together. Do it. Just do it. Seriously.

Another granmotherly opportunity presented material that I got from a happy hour…at my grandmother’s assisted living. A few memories from Day 112 “Nonchalant Observer -Installment #3 – Retirement Community Happy Hour”.

- “ Grandma ‘parks’ her walker amongst many others across the hall. I’m thinking there should be a public service announcement commercial with someone like Chuck Norris saying, ‘Please, elderly people, if you must drink, don’t use your walker.’ Then there would be a shooting star and rainbow.”

- “One heavily made-uped woman in bright flowing clothes is stumbling across the room with her wine and flirting with disinterested men. Token assisted living floozy?”

- “ I notice two grandfather types talking at the bar wearing cardigans. Old men love cardigans. One of them is drinking from a 1930’s leather flask. I can’t hear them but I want to assume they’re talking about the war. Not the Gulf War.”

The 25 entries of my “Ask Jax Column” were some of my most enjoyable days. I hoped that I lived up to my pledge to answer ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. Again, my improv make up served itself in these entries as I thrive on the interactiveness with my readers. On day 336, Claudia Mizrahi of Brooklyn, New York asked me, “Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed?” My reply: “If your definition of problem is awesome... then yes, sexual harassment is awesome for the self-employed. I've been sexually harassing myself for years. My skin has a rosy hue, I'm getting along better with my mother and have taken up para-sailing.”

I can’t deny that found a surplus of amusement conceptualizing , personifying and exploring the point of views and emotional depths of nonhuman entities……like...

Drugs - Day 6 – “The Serotonin Who Lost his Way” and Day 257 – “Talk to Your Drugs. About Kids”

Dogs - Day 19 – “Canine Conundrum?”

Seasons - Day 33 –“ Summer, Didn't We Almost Have it All?” and Day 132 – “Sorry to be Stern Winter. Tough Love” and Day 241 – “Spring. I'm Ready to Put Out”

The Alphabet - Day 55 – “Inanimate Object Whisperer”

A Cliché - Day 78 – “You Complete Me”

Emotions - Day 127 – “Emotional Party”

Years - Day 143 – “Steamy New Years”

A pen - Day 149 – “Memoirs of a pen named Pen”

Objects in a purse - Day 170 – “Live Together, Die Alone”

Condensation - Day 186 – “Snow : The Sexiest of the Precipitations”

Days of the week - Day 192 – “Tuesday. No Rose For You”

Mental Disorders - Day 268 – “Insane Movie Night”

The Devil - Day 326 – “Satan - Lactose Intolerant”

Breasts - Day 334 – “Boobs: People Have Them or People Love Them”

Body hair - Day 355 – “Hair-mony”

Let us revisit a blurb from an entry you seemed to resonate with, Day 246 – “STD Happy Hour”.

(Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are standing by a pinball machine during happy hour at a dive bar called The Itch. Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burnin' for You” is playing on the jukebox.)

Chlamydia – Gonorrhea, I think it’s great that we make the effort to meet up periodically to discuss business.

Gonorrhea – I am too Chlamydia. Remind me, why can’t Syphilis and Herpes make it?

Chlamydia – Herpes got a gig with Eliot Spitzer and Syphilis went to England to research his ancestry.

Gonorrhea - That’s right! His roots go back to Henry VIII.

Chlamydia – And Christopher Columbus…

Gonorrhea - Syphilis is old school. We’re lucky to know him.

Since the blogasphere medium offers a writer instant feedback, I looked to the topics you seemed to be consistently be gravitating towards…and the result: day 319, “So It Turns Out...We're All Pervs”. More specifically... boobs. Y’all love the ladies. Since I write “for the people”, on day 318 –“ I'll Show You My Boobs If....”, I offered to show you my bosom if you could explain to me why Wolf Blitzer looks like a wolf.

Your intrigue with all that is mammary was the catalyst for an interview with a pair of breasts, Mommy 1 and Mommy 2 on day 334, “Boobs: People Have Them or People Love Them". Here are a few things we learned:

Mommy 2: We have no say as to who Master brings home to fondle us. That's Brain's job. Sadly, Master is a raging drunk and an expert in bad decision making. We've been mauled by some real douches.

Mommy 1: Sports bras are strait jackets for breasts. I'd rather not revisit the fear, claustrophobia and suffocation that we experienced when Master ran a 5K.

Mommy 2: We're not naive. When Master gets knocked up...we'll end up making all the meals.

In addition to tit talk, you all clearly were enjoying “tapping” into topics under the fornication umbrella. On “Day 340 - The Answer is Sex, Alex”, it was evident that our writer/reader relationship was developing a(sexual) rhythm and it only seemed fair and balanced that I continue to give you what you want. The Sex.

In the spirit of going all jeopardy on your ass (that I can bounce a nickel off of ) I presented some inquiries where the answes were s-e-x. A sampling:

- “Instead of teaching Bristol the sport of wolf gunning, Sarah Palin should have been talking to her daughter about _______.”

- What was anti-gay Idaho Senator Larry Craig in search of when he entered a men's restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport?”

- “What's the number "6" in German?

Looking back at my entries, I feel confident that some are rich in content. And some are absolutely disposable. But even the “trashables” add value to this endeavor’s continuity because I see these misses as necessary components in order to arrive at the hits. On day 52 –“ My Bad”, I wrote," If we’re consistently hitting the mark every time... it seems that we’re blessed with a certain amount of luck and will eventually suffer some hard to process disappointments when life serves up some reality. Perfectionists scare me. The twist seems to be that expecting nothing less than perfectionism every time is, in itself, missing the mark.”

I don’t see my writing days coming to a total halt. However, I will be taking some time off because I need to know what I miss, why I miss it and focus on how exactly I can take these 365 days to the next level. This project has confirmed that it’s crucial to make very real goals and let the universe know.

- I want to make money from my writing
- I want to have a book
- I want a "Ask Jax" column. In "The Onion" would be ideal
- I want a literary agent
- I want a pony. Named Dazzle

On past blogs, I’ve already brainstormed possible book titles:

- "How to be Successful in Comedy When You and Your Parents Are Not Alcoholics"

- "Writers: Keeping Coffee Houses in Business Since the Invention of Words"

- "My Year of Tranformative Soul Searching. And I'm Still Fucked Up"

- "The Divinci Code"

- "Enablers are Just Special Givers"

- "Boobs! Boobs! Boobs!"

- "Oprah"

My blog has proven to be a reliable tool to access my “flow” by offering up some soul clearing, mental stimulation and emotional grounding. Without a doubt. It has made me stronger. Will I still have seemingly stagnant shitty days? Without a doubt. Besides, the doldrums tend to inspire great material.

I find beauty and solace in knowing the permanency of throwing our art…our authenticity… our soul into the universe (or blogasphere…same thing). No one can take that away from us. Bonus if we reach people in a positive way.

A very special friend once told me that my purpose in life was to be a healer. Through comedy. She said that I was an alchemist (who turns lead to gold.) This friend said that I " have the ability of taking the lead of every day trials and tribulations and turning it into the gold of the spirit.”

With these 365 entries, I found some peace while riding(writing) through my own angst. Maybe you did too. And if not. You got to read about boobs.

Day 364 - I'd Be a Narcissist If I Didn't Love Myself So Much

2010-08-07T16:28:00.001-04:00

August 7th, 2010

I'd Be a Narcissist If I Didn't Love Myself So Much.

As I compose day 364 of my 365 day blog entry challenge, I'm coming to terms that just the very nature of partaking in this yearlong endeavor could imply some narcissism on my part. The following equation has developed. I write + You read + When I get positive feedback = I feel good.

But as I have glided and stumbled through this life thing, I have repeatedly been told, "You're too hard on yourself."

So I will gentle. Treat myself like a delicate flower.

Here goes. At my core, I don't see myself as egotistic, vain and selfish. I'll fess up that I possess a certain amount of healthy narcissism that includes a reasonable amount of self-worth, principles of the moral kind and being sensitive to the plight of others. Yay me.

Perhaps my candidness is inspiring you to look inward and you're asking me, "Jax, Am I narcissistic? Am I narcissist, Jax? Like the bad kind of narcissism. I'm scared. Confused. Need to be held."

Just your uncertainly implies that it's critical that you immediately evaluate yourself and take painful self-analysis of your motives, actions and beliefs.

Do you resonate with the following scenarios?

- You embrace the shame that lurks in your soul and take every measure to never process negative emotions in healthy ways. Your days are filled with reading Hitler's "Mein Kampf", going to your OJ Simpson fan club meeting and listening to white power singer songwriter Johnny Rebel's song "Nigger Hatin Me".

- You preach that entitlement is your birthright. This is often exemplified when sharing toys with small children. With malicious intent, you grab toys from toddlers and enjoy watching them cry because you're getting instant feedback. And that's awesome.

- Not a day goes by that you don't tell yourself, "Feeling emotions is so Oprah. I hate her. But Stedman's pretty cool. Because he has a mustache."

- You tell yourself that your magical thinking and irrational beliefs are making you creative. As a result, your "artistry" is exhibited by weaving pot holders. Painting pine cones. Using your blood to write the following on your ex's car. "I love you so much that I will kill you quickly.XOXO".

If you're saying to yourself, "Yes Jax. All of these symptoms above...I have them. Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!"

You need help. I will help you heal. After I stop admiring my reflection on my computer screen. I simply can't look away.

Day 363 - Motorcycle Guy: You Are So Cool, It Hurts.

2010-08-06T13:12:00.001-04:00

August 6th, 2010

I made a new friend in my neighborhood several months ago and every time I'd cross paths with this guy... he was holding a helmet. Since I never investigated his protective head gear thoroughly, I just assumed it accompanied his preferred mode of transportation, a motorcycle. There was no doubt that this cool rider had mastered the art of badassery and I had thoughts that went like so: "Wow this guy really carves his own path. He wears, watches, drinks and listens to what he chooses, when he chooses and where he chooses. Clearly he is supplied with an unlimited source of awesomenimity. He is so cool, it hurts. What a badass.”

As I watched this indifferent heroic being exit the bar, I witnessed as he confidently sauntered over to his vehicle...which was, in fact (to my surprise and undelight), not a motorcycle. A bike it was. A bike I say. Immediately my image of faux motorcycle hero plummeted. Deep.

Don't fight me on this: Bikes are cool. Bikes with motors are cooler.

Sure, there are arguments that attempt to steer women away from falling for that stoic power symbol connected to a 2 wheeled motor vehicle. Our new man will most likely die soon since motorcycles have a higher fatality rate per unit of distance traveled when compared with automobiles. But don't let that overshadow the pluses. We get to brag to our friends, family and random strangers on the street that we have landed a free spirited power symbol. For a limited time only. Because of that death thing.

Oh statistics, why is your mission to eradicate enjoyment, amusement and pleasure?

Ladies, it's of considerable value to prioritize. Let's stay focused. Although it's likely that our motorcycle man's time on earth will be cut short due to a bloody collision on the highway, he's smokin' hot before he expires. We can't consume our thoughts with the negatives that tell us a motorcycle itself provides virtually no protection in a crash. Sure, our special guy will take the full brunt of impact, is at risk of being thrown off the bike and being hit by other vehicles on the road. Bury those thoughts and have the attitude of gratitude. Our guy (that is immune to joy and grief) is assured in his superiority and sends a message of nonconformity. Except, of course, conforming to other men who ride motorcycles.

And to the men out there who are asking themselves, "Should I get a death vehicle or be guaranteed (a brief deadly pre-collision) opportunity with a slew of women who will open their hearts (and legs) to me?"

Baby steps.

I suggest walking around for 1 day with a motorcycle helmet. No motorcycle necessary in this phase. See the reaction. Feel the reaction. Fornicate with the reaction.

You will have your answer.

Day 362 - Ask Jax - Part 25

2010-08-05T14:55:00.001-04:00

This is the 25th and last (for now) installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

When you have completed the 365 day challenge what will you attempt next and will it be a goal on which all your FB friends will be brought along? Andy Caploe, New York, New York

Jax's Answer - Valid inquiry Andy. I've been thinking that my follow up project will be less about "bringing" my Facebook friends and more about "going" to them. Literally. I plan to visit all 2075 of my Facebook friends. I will personally go to each and everyone's house to physically converse with them. I will bring along a professional camera crew (film students from NYU) to document the non virtual unions. I will only ask one question of each member of my network. "What do you like best about me?"

Boxers or briefs? - Debbie Ross Serrano,Woodland Hills, California

Jax's Answer - Underoos

Query: How do you stay so fresh and dewy looking? - Jessica Steward, Boston Massachusetts

Jax's Answer - I’m pretty healthy ¾ of the time. The other quarter I wreak havoc and destruction on my mind, body and spirit. Also, for no apparent reason, my cutlery set only consisting of sporks seems to keep me young.

Jackie now u done w 365thing where u go for vacation? Steven Hwang

Jax's Answer - Your bedroom

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Pete Schwinge, Brooklyn, New York

Sadly, the illiterate don't experience the delightful mental stimulation that readers get when indulging in soupy goodness. What could be more frustrating than not stringing together linguistic gems with processed letter shaped noodles in a simmering liquid edible? Interest note, illiterate individuals...surprisingly good at Boggle

Day 361 - Foot Loose Councilmen

2010-08-04T15:27:00.006-04:00

August 4th, 2010

In Footloose, upbeat Chicago teen Ren McCormack (Kevin Bacon) moves from the big city to a small town and is informed, "You won't get any dancing here, it's illegal."

His response: "Jump back!"

Let's revisit the most classic tales of teen rebellion and repression that only comes to resolution through sweeping choreography and overacting.

As an adult, I've wondered what uptight Reverend Shaw Moore(John Lithgow) and the city council decided not to ban before they banished rock music and dancing.

Let's assume it went down like so:

(Location: City Council Meeting in a small church lead by Reverend Shaw Moore. I have conceptualized the names of other council members. Some inspired by media figures. Some are names I just picture in this meeting. In my mind's eye. Also, let's assume the meeting was conducted in Parliamentary Procedure. With powdered wigs.)

Reverend Shaw: The meeting will come to order. The secretary will read the minutes of the last meeting.

Secretary O'Reilly: I'll just cut to the chase. We basically just said that we hate black people.

Reverend Shaw: Are there any corrections to the minutes?

Councilmen Burnell - We also moved that we hate Jews, Mexicans and Persian kittens.

Reverend Shaw: If there are no further corrections, the minutes stand approved. Is there any new business?

Councilmen Newt: I move that it's time to ban something fun. I'm just not sure what. I'd like to open up the floor to discussion.

Reverend Shaw: All in favor of an open floored discussion about banning things that are fun...say "Aye"...those opposed say "Nay".

(All members passionately yell"Aye!")

Councilmen Jofestuss: I would move to make alcohol illegal...but I have some significant reservations. I love that booze gives me the excuse to feel confident, uninhibited and really horny.

Secretary O'Reilly: The effects are too positive...acting without reason and accountability should not be a right to be stripped of. I go back and forth on banning crystal meth...but I do see some valid reasons to keep it around. It's been brilliantly effective in desecrating the bad part of town.

Councilmen Newt: True, we've really seen progress. Now I vacillate if we should put an end to our key parties. But Reverend Shaw, your wife is so smokin' hot.

Reverend Shaw - That she is Newt. (They high five.) I welcome the times you have sinful relations with the Mrs...that's when I explore my gayness with the young naive boy at the Dairy Queen. I move that we ban guns!( All laugh)...Just kidding.

Councilmen Burnell - Nice one Rev. On a serious note, I need to address what is truly causing havoc in society...Boy Bands. (All pause then l nod in agreement.) Although I am entranced with the sweet guy. The brooding one. And the guy who oozes, "I am so street...", I just think it's time to put an end to them...because they get more attention than us.

Councilmen Jofestuss - Excellent point Councilmen Burnell. I move that we ban rock music and dancing. If we take that away from the Boy Bands...they'll just be undereducated guys working manual labor. Plus, taking away music and dancing is sure to piss off the teenagers. And I hate teenagers.

(All mumble under their breath that they are also haters of teens.)

Councilmen Burnell - I move that we ban rock music and dancing from our small ignorant town because there is nothing we like to do more than fuck with the teenagers.

Councilmen Jofestuss - I second the motion.

Reverend Shaw - The motion has been made by and seconded. All in favor of banning rock music and dancing from our small ignorant town because there is nothing we like to do more than fuck with the teenagers. ...please say "Aye"..and if opposed, say "Nay". (Overwhelming "Aye" response.) The motion has been passed and as of now, there is a ban on rock music and dancing from our small ignorant town because there is nothing we like to do more than fuck with the teenagers.

(Cheers from the councilman. Secretary O'Reilly and Councilman Newt accidentally start to dance in celebration. As a punishment, they are tar and feathered.)

Day 360 - Being Nice. Overrated?

2010-08-03T16:22:00.002-04:00

August 4th, 2010

Two days ago, on day 358, "Catered Camping. Good For the Soul"
( http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-358-catered-camping-good-for-soul.html), I explained that I had a near perfect weekend in the wilderness with some of my favorite people. I urged you all to take a similar getaway and shared some essential ingredients that must be included in your adventure.

One necessity: Bill. I wrote, "We stayed at a campsite in Bear Mountain operated by Bill. If you ask him what his last name is, his response will be, 'Not important.' He looked like Santa Clause's alternative universe twin with more pot belly and no jeer. 73 year old sketchy Santa shared a little about himself. 'I got this far by being mean.'"

I didn't share with Bill that I pride myself in striving to be conscious, creative and compassionate. Basically, nice. I feel that I live these intentions most of the time...and when I don't, I've found that I've gotten better(not perfect yet) at constructive criticism.

But Bill seemed happy...in a bitter lonely geriatric kinda way. After all, he does own a campsite...the most respected outdoor career(closely followed by large animal manure inspector and the guy who draws chalk outlines on pavement.)

I had a dream last night(in black and white) and Bill sauntered over to me and handed me a pamphlet: "How to be Mean - Live the Life You Want..But Let's Face It...Are Never Gonna Get".

Some tips:

- Use your temper. You know who has chutzpah? You do.

- If people have inconvenienced you, let them know in a childish manner. Children are cute.

- Don't put yourself in another person's shoes.Toothbrushes should be shared..not shoes. Ew.

- Interrupt people when they're speaking. You're a words savant. With a BA in English. And a Masters Degree in Lowbrow Insults.

- Fighting fairly is boring. When arguing with another person, don't stick to the subject, be long winded and bring up unrelated issues that happened when Pluto was still a planet.

To my credit, I realized that I was reading garbage after being saved by that well intended peaceful old Native American man (with a tear in his eye) who is always dream crashing. He convinced me to continue to strive to live righteously. Then we went to pick up litter.

I wanted to return the pamphlet to Bill... but he had walked away. To kill a kitten.

Day 359 - Strong. Like El Guapo

2010-08-02T14:55:00.002-04:00

August 3rd, 2010

I have to give myself an internal high five.

No. Not because today's horoscope praised my awesomeness.
Not because I'm having an exceptional hair day.
Not because the chef at my neighborhood cafe just gave me a free salad for being nice.

Although the above triumphs are worthy of the the gesture of the upraised arm/slap combo signifying elation and victory, I've metaphorically been observing myself as of late and have taken notice that I feel strong. Emotionally. I don't feel immune to adversity, but I am noticing that I'm coping better and recovering more hastily from strenuous conditions.

I credit this to a supportive and positive network of friends, family and cooks who provide me free ruffage. Perhaps even having only 6 days left in this 365 day blog entry challenge has contributed to my sense of self worth, perseverance capabilities and my ability to follow through. By focusing on the things that I can control, I am seeing progress in my life and no one, thing or zombie can crush my spirit and take that away for me.

Good news to those who feel like the world is pillaging against them with a pitchfork... strength is a mindset that can resurface from the muck of powerlessness. Effective coping skills are at our fingertips. So often we forget. To heal, some turn to religion. To a facet of spirituality. To Oprah. Where you find comfort is a personal choice. Look for it. Remind yourself that it is possible to derive joy from the world around you.

Perhaps the following movie quotes will assist you in taking the first step to an upward spiral.

- In "Animal House", John Belushi as John "Bluto" Blutarsky was a drunken degenerate in his seventh year of college and had a GPA of 0.0.

D-Day: War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
Bluto: What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.

Bluto goes on to become a United States Senator.

- Steve Martin (as Lucky Day) inspires a shift of consciousness in " ¡Three Amigos!"

"For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us...El Guapo is a big dangerous guy who wants to kill us."

Along with Nederlander and Dusty Bottoms, Lucky Day rode off into the into the sunset. As a hero.

- And no person has taught us the possibility of overcoming hardship more than Mel Gibson as William Wallace in "Braveheart".

"Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!

And Mel Gibson has the ability to spew hate about everyone. In one sentence.

Day 358 - Catered Camping. Good For the Soul

2010-08-01T23:37:00.003-04:00

August 1st, 2010

According to the blog, "Stuff White People Like", American whities are universally smitten by expensive sandwiches, black music that black people don’t listen to anymore and vespas.

Also included in the list of Caucasian loves is camping.

Turns out to be true. Here's the deal. I've been feeling a little vulnerable the last few days. A relationship came to an end and I had one of 2 choices. Stay home and indulge in sullen aloofness or go camping with my friends. Yes, my white friends.

In one of my best decisions ever, I put myself on a bus to the wilderness to meet 8 people that I just adore. Bless their hearts....

It's been Jax tested. Should you feel in the doldrums, go camping immediately. However. You MUST include the following or I can't guarantee happiness:

1) Walkie Talkies
- We found it best to communicate with each other via walkie talkie. Very effective when the group was divided into 2 cars, at different places on our 10 mile hike through Minnewaska State Park and when we really wanted to drive a point home with the person next to us. Plus saying, "Roger", "Over" and referring to bikes as "boagies" is cool.

2) Assign nicknames to camp mates.
- We did:
Jax -Venus
Claudia - Desert Fox
Katy - Maverick
John - Poo Bear
Paul - Scooter
Mollie - Digger
Lauren - Odyssey
Pete - The Artist Formally Known as Jack Rabbit Formally Known as Bald Eagle

3) Bill
- We stayed at a campsite in Bear Mountain operated by Bill. If you ask him what his last name is, his response will be, "Not important." He looked like Santa Clause's alternative universe twin with more pot belly and no jeer. 73 year old sketchy Santa shared a little about himself. "I got this far by being mean."

4) Think outside the box campfire dialogue and shenanigans
- The Artist Formally Known as Jack Rabbit Formally Known as Bald Eagle snuck out of the darkness wearing a hockey mask and holding a bloody ax. The only screamer was Desert Fox who later let out a high pitched cry after finding a spider in her tent. Interesting note, fear is unusual for this Jewish carnivorous breed.
- Tell your friends what product they would be. I was assigned Mrs. Butterworth which still perplexes me(even though...I do tan quite well. And my blood is made of syrup.)

5) Pick up $200 worth of BBQ to be eaten at campsite.

6) Props
- Decorate the site with a colorful banner of flags, bring a blow up monkey and a polka dot clown/ dunce hat to be worn by people who do stupid things. I wore it a lot. At one point, I wondered if Odyssey would get the hat if she got clumsy and fell in the bonfire. Would she have to wear it as she was being put in an ambulance? At her funeral? We came to the conclusion that if she "didn't make it"....the hat would sit upon her urn.

7) Not your grandma's alcoholic beverages
- Have you ever had a beer called Mountain Beer? You should because it claims to be "A very cool brew."
- From the cooler, Desert Fox presented a watermelon(wrapped in tin foil and easily mistaken for a severed head) that had been marinating in vodka and Malibu rum. Well received. VERY well received.

8) Sleep in an Eddie Bauer tent with built in sky dome.
- I saw the sky. And the sky saw me.

9) Chihuahua in an antebellum dress.
- The elderly couple in the RV next to our site came over to ask if we would leave our bottles for them to recycle. We suspected their true intention for the visit was to bring along their freakishly mellow chihuahua wearing a Scarlet O'Hara dress, pearl drop earrings and sunglasses. All beautifully accompanied with red painted nails.

10) On the way home, stop in City Island for seafood on an outside deck overlooking the water.
- Debbie the hostess gave us "the alleged" best table. Overlooking the parking lot.

Day 357 - Ask Jax - Part 24

2010-07-31T08:22:00.000-04:00

July 31st, 2010

This is the 24th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Why? - Emily Fitch, Charlotte, North Carolina

Jax's Answer - You did the right thing by coming to me with matters related to esotericism. I've been told (by myself) that I have a firm grasp on what might inspire reasons. Causes if you will. Let's look at history's most notable "Why?" I shall dissect the purpose.

In 1994, Olympic skater, Nancy Kerrigan, was captured on camera after being clubbed in the knee by Shane Stant at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, an attack planned by rival, Tonya Harding's ex-husband Jeff Gillooly and friend Shawn Eckardt. Post attack footage of Kerrigan wailing, "Why, why, why" swept the airways. So...soon after, we found out just WHY. As it turns out, Nancy Kerrigan was whiny and entitled all along. Plus, during a Disney parade, she called Mickey Mouse "corny." Needless to say, her snobbery resulted with a clubbing orchestrated by Donald and Goofy.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - First off, audiences of forest animals like bears, raccoons and moose are known as "tough crowds" in comedy circles. However, if you're a comedian and your career has taken you to gigs in the woods...then it's safe to assume your jokes won't land anywhere.

What's with Noah and the keeping of the mosquito's? - Ken Miller, Colorado Springs, Colorado

Jax's Answer - Originally, Noah had no intentions of bringing the pesky mosquitoes along. However, the night before he set sail, he was getting high on the stern with the orangutans and developed a deep interest in eventually breeding a mosquito with a caribou...and breed a Caribou-quito. Also, little known fact, Noah, total douche.

Day 356 - Accountable, Not Accountable or Count von Count

2010-07-30T15:15:00.001-04:00

July 30th, 2010

On day 158 of my 365 day blog challenge, I wrote an entry called “Jew, Not-a-Jew or Canadian?” I gave you scenarios and asked you which of these three categories the examples fell under.(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-158-jew-not-jew-or-canadian.html.) On day 166, I brought to you another list to test your knowledge of 3 interchangeable people: Bill O’Reilly, Kanye West and Mother Teresa. (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-166-bill-oreilly-kanye-west-or.html.) Determining if you were celebrating Passover, Easter or The Festival of Steve Guttenberg was where we journeyed on Day 235(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html.) And just because I was curious, on Day 243, I needed to know if you had the Fear of Failure, Abandonment or Zombies? (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-243-fear-of-failure-abandonment-or.html.) On day 253, I had you determine if you were suffering from penis panic, vagina fervor or Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo( http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-253-penis-panic-vagina-fervor-or.html)and on day 282, I proposed that you ask your soul if it comes from a place of Schadenfreude, Mudita or Indifference (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-282-schadenfreude-mudita-or.html) and on day 332, you admitted that you would most likely die from a heatwave, old age or douchebaggery(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/07/day-332-heatwave-old-age-or.html.)

Today, I'd like us to take responsibility for our words and actions. Self constructive criticism is no easy task...but my blog is a safe place. I've seen undesirable behavior in myself, people close to me and random strangers on the street. Let's own up to our behavior and admit if we glide(or pillage) through life as a person who is accountable, not accountable or Count von Count( often known simply as the The Count, vampire-like Muppet on "Sesame Street".)

- Your tendency not to own your actions and blame others for your own shortcomings has resulted with you being typed cast as "The Victim" in all the community theater plays.

- You're made of felt.

- You're Jerry Orbach (in "Dirty Dancing") apologizing to Johnny Castle when you realize you wrongly assumed Johnny was the one who got Penny pregnant. You fess up and admit, “When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong.”

- In high school, you were voted "Most likely to be responsible, answerable and liable."

- Your ex-ray shows that you have a human arm up your torso and a hand operating your mouth.

- You've been known to say, "I prefer to follow the moral codes of Hitler, Stalin and Hannibal Lecter."

- At your office, you ate your co worker's leftover Ziti al Forno from the Olive Garden. When asked if you were the perpetrator, you casually respond, "Oh yeah..that was me."

- You have a compulsive love of counting and will count anything and everything, regardless of size, amount or how much annoyance you cause others around you.

- Your Match.com profile says, I pride my self in my culinary skills, athletic abilities and making others feel like they're the ones that are crazy, lost, upset, confused and a litany of other emotions, when in actuality I'm the one who feels these emotions. Also, I love to para-sail!

Day 355 - Hair-mony

2010-07-29T18:24:00.001-04:00

July 29th, 2010

Location: Body hairs from the hairiest woman in the world are congregating at the shower drain.

(Eyebrow Hair and Nose Hair are tweezed and slide to the shower drain where Pubic Hair is waiting)

Pubic Hair - Hello Nose Hair. And Eyebrow Hair... haven't seen you since our unfortunate visit to the Ukrainian waxer.

Eyebrow Hair - That was traumatic! Afterward, I laid low with Root and Follicle before I came back to Body.

Pubic Hair - That's why I went to Brazil for 4-6 weeks.

Nose Hair - So sorry guys. Sounds tough. (pause) So Pubic Hair...why did you call a meeting of the hairs?

Pubic Hair - I met up with Ear Hair on some scissors the other day and he told me that he heard the "woman" is getting laser surgery.

(Eyebrow Hair and Nose Hair gasp)

Pubic Hair - Evidently she is not impressed with our recyclable powers and being confused for a man. Or an Ape. Here comes Toe Hair and Chest Hair. They already know what might go down. Or off..

(Toe Hair and Chest Hair join the hairs at the drain)

Toe Hair - Hairs! I will not stand for our permanent removal. It's not my fault she didn't win the genetic lottery.

Chest Hair - She needs us. We provide a layer of warmth that no winter coat can compete with! No coat!

Pubic Hair - Settle down hairs. It's important that we remain united. If not...we'll end up like them(points to Black Chin Hair and Gray Hair sliding to the group. Arguing)

Black Chin Hair - You're racist Gray Hair!

Gray Hair - I was born on Jim Crow's head. You can't teach an old hair new tricks.

(Black Chin Hair leans in to attack Gray Hair. He's held back by the Hairs)

Pubic Hair - Enough....we need to stick together.. .the "woman" has a 2pm appointment at TLC Laser Center.

(Black Chin Hair and Gray Hair become speechless and express concern)

Toe Hair - Is she planning on doing it from head to me?

Pubic Hair - Toe Hair, here's the information I have. The plan is to remove everything from the brow down. Head Hair is safe.

Nose Hair - Head Hair!? She's such a Bitch!

Chest Hair - Totally. .the "woman" unjustifiably regards Head Hair as the Ivy League of hairs.

(Leg Hair comes in laughing...not knowing of impending doom)

Leg Hair - So she shaved me with a cheap single blade Gillette plastic razor. I disappear for five minutes. What's the point? Seriously.

Gray Hair - Well don't get used to your hasty comebacks...we're being eliminated. Permanently.

Leg Hair - Laser? I thought Ear Hair was fucking with me.( starts to cry.)

Pubic Hair - Hairs, I am a Pubic Hair. Strong and wise. I have an escape plan. I had all of us congregate here at the drain because we're relocating to a place where we ALL are revered and can have a place to call our home. Forever.

Chest Hair - But where Pubic Hair? Where?

Pubic Hair - An ungroomed standard poodle.

Eyebrow Hair - Brilliant! But how do we make the pilgrimage to the dog?

Pubic Hair - This is how(he points to Ear Hair flying towards them while riding Handlebar Moustache Hair)

Nose Hair - Brilliant!

Pubic Hair - Handlebar Moustache Hair will now fly us away to where hairs can live together. In Hair-mony.

(While Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" plays in the background, all the hairs hop on Handlebar Moustache Hair and fly away to an upscale purebred doggie daycare.)

Day 354 - Sexbert

2010-07-28T14:47:00.002-04:00

July 28th, 2010

THEY say that there are four key ingredients in becoming a competent sex therapist. You must:

- Become a therapist
- Specialize in sex therapy
- Get plenty of supervised training
- Get licensed in your field

I generally don't like refuting the wisdom of THEY, but I feel that there is really only one practical component to being a sexologist: You have had sex.

The majority of sex therapists that I have experienced on that television tube and magazine literature in the racks in the grocery store aisle would fall into the latter on the "Hot or Not" website.

I'm not saying that all sex therapists are virgins, I just don't want to picture them doing it. Feisty cultural icon in the 1980s, Dr Ruth Westheimer, brought us in the new age of franker, freer talk about sex on radio and television. The 4-foot-something spunky German claims that she "first had sexual intercourse on a starry night, in a haystack—without contraception." Didn't see that coming. Then there's the unfortunate fornicating mental image of "Sexpert", Jamie Bufalino, who writes the "Get Naked Column" in "Time Out New York". There's little to disprove that he is the lovechild of the 40 year old virgin and the guys I went to Hebrew school with.

Let's keep this simple y'all...The ONLY way to guarantee that your sex therapist has had sex is if they have a child, venereal disease or sex tape(think Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels, Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart, Dustin Diamond, Fred Durst, John Edwards, Amy Fisher, Tonya Harding, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Rob Lowe and my ex boyfriend.)

Day 353 - Little Bunny Fee Fee

2010-07-27T15:40:00.002-04:00

July 27th, 2010

Check it:

Consumer Reports estimates that every year U.S. consumers pay at least $216 billion in financial fees. Let's break it down. Annually, each of us is paying $750 in miscellaneous fees.

After asking my readers to share some bizarre fees on goods and services, it turns out that we're not only being slapped in the face with cell phone bills, credit cards, internet service providers and airlines. Here's what I've learned:

- I still find it insane when I have to pay to use a public restrooms while abroad! Additionally, while in Turkey, I got charged for the use of condiments on our table at the resort I was staying at...salt and pepper I'm talkin! - Amy Kerner

- An Irish airline charges for the bathroom. - Nicole Abramovici

- McDonald's has their own tax called take-out tax. Look at your receipt. It ain't no couple pennies nothing neither. Every time you order to go or even to eat in. - Alexander V Moukarbel

I know. You're saying, "But Jax, all this service fee stuff is still so confusing to me. Please explain it to me. Gently."

Alright. Do you remember Little Bunny Foo Foo, a children's poem involving a rabbit harassing a population of field mice? Let's review:

Little bunny Foo Foo
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head
Down came the Good Fairy, and she said
"Little bunny Foo Foo
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head."

It turns out that L'il Bunny Foo Foo's frowned upon behavior has spiraled even further and he's changed his name to Little Bunny Fee Fee. The once rather innocent poem now has some disturbing subtext.

Little bunny Fee Fee
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head(and telling the mice that if they fly internationally on American, British Airways, Continental, Delta, United, US Airways and Virgin Atlantic, they'll be paying $60 to check a second bag.)
Down came the Good Fairy, and she said
"Little bunny Fee Fee
I don't want to see you( charging $36.95 should the mice choose to e- file their taxes on TurboTax. and...)
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head( by advertising free texts if they're not on an unlimited plan. When in reality, mice end up paying $0.15 every time they send or receive a text.)

Heads up: I'll be imposing a $15 charge for reading my blog. $45 should you reread it.

Day 352 - Communicate. Like A Khaki Expert

2010-07-26T16:11:00.004-04:00

July 26th, 2010

I want to communicate communication today. Quite simply - There can't be a relationship with someone without communicating with them.

I'm not just talking a romantic union. I'm going broad. Readers, it's time to negotiate the oceans between ourselves and our special someones, friendships, coworkers, drug dealers and basically everyone who crosses our path. With a mouth.

From what my extensive(Google) research tells me, by expressing our thoughts, values, priorities, ideas, feelings, attitudes and beliefs insensitively, we set the stage for others to experience us negatively. According to interweb wisdom on effective communication, it is not recommended to be:

•Indirect
•Passive
•Antagonistic
•Cryptic
•Unresponsive
•Dishonest

But how do we fix the remedies of negative verbal two way traffic? The virtual world gave me some suggestions, but I wasn't feeling it. So I've come up with three groups that I feel could teach us how to communicate more congenially, openly and clearly.

GROUP 1 - DOGS

To communicate harmoniously, I recommend that people also partake in a two way ass sniff. You know what that says? "I'm assertive. Direct. Anus friendly."

GROUP 2 - PEOPLE WITH HEADSETS

People in careers that involve wearing a headset seem to be on the right track. Ask the the air traffic guys, the gap employees preventing many a khaki disaster with this microphoned boy band headband and bouncers at high end night clubs who communicate in an accountable manner( by agreeing not to let ugly people in.) Once a bouncer asked another bouncer, via headset, if he should let in a girl wearing a low cut tank . He was fired for tying up the frequency.

GROUP 3 - DOGS WITH HEADSETS

The Australian man who invented the labradoodle, Wally Conran, is now breeding dogs with bouncers. This population is considered the "Buddhas" of Communicators. Bonus that they're hypoallergenic.

Day 351 - Ask Jax - Part 23

2010-07-25T13:22:00.002-04:00

July 25th, 2010

This is the 23rd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

If your brother is a practicing kabbalist and you're at odds...is it OK to convert to Islam? - Stephen "The Pious" Villaine, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer: Cat Stevens asked me the same question once. At first I was skeptical to advise him to convert to Islam at the height of his fame, adopt a Muslim name and auction away all his guitars... but then I turned soft when he sang "Father & Son" around the friendship circle at Jewish camp. That song gets me. In the heart area.

Why is vacuuming such a pain in the ass? - Anonymous, Atlanta, Georgia

Jax's Answer: Wise choice to remain anonymous in regards to such a censured topic. As for me, I've dropped the ball on vacuuming because it triggers quite a bit of angst:

- My emotions have convinced me that vacuuming makes my place dirtier.
- My hair and carpet have developed a union and are conspiring against me. Even the most industrial vacuum cleaner shoots me the finger should I attempt to utilize its suction.
- End result: Outsource the chore. Or neglect it. Good news, my wig making career(that specializes in blonde hair/dust bunnies mullets) is thriving.

Does a Brazilian hurt? (I am seriously thinking about it. A couple of girlfriends swear by it) - Anonomous, Guilford, Connecticut

Jax's Answer: You did the right thing coming to me because multiple people have asked me, "Are you Brazilian?" My answer: "Half. From the waste down."

So here's the deal/ Applying scorching hot wax to our delicate lady parts to tear our hair follicles out by the root is not the most pleasant of sensory experiences. However, you know the payoff is high for you(and your special man.) So please, if you will, repeat my mantra, "It hurts...that means it's working."

I do feel obliged to give you the 'heads up" that some emotional challenges will arise from your delicately intimate relationship with the waxer of your choice. I have attached a past entry, Day 12 - "Wax-achment" to prepare you for the new feelings you will be experiencing with your hair removal specialist.

Day 12 - "Wax-achment"

Yesterday I was getting a manicure at the same place that I had a bikini wax a few days earlier. To the surprise of my fragile heart, my waxer totally ignored me. It was shocking after the intimacy we shared.

And it stung. Badly.

I am not a needy person, but a little common courtesy would be nice after combining forces and sharing something so affectionately confidential. Yet, I’m writing about it. Irony works in mysterious ways. Ms. Waxer and I shared an experience very similar to another activity that involves partaking in an act so intimate and involves endurance, strength, shared sensory experiences and interdependence. No, not doubles figure skating. I speak of THE SEX.

The similarity between like features of THE WAX and THE DOING IT, on which a comparison may be based is oh so evident to me now. Let’s take a look. If what I have written so far is “too edgy” for you I suggest that you stop reading. Now.

• Like choosing a love making partner, we have a type. Plain and simple. I personally prefer the waxing stylings of the Russians to that of the Asians. One of them has hair and the other doesn’t. Know your customer. It’s why I go to a woman gynecologist.

• Sex and waxing both can get messy, hurt more the first time, vary in speed and inspire a variety of positions.

• We have choices. With Waxing: regular, sensitive and the so called "pain free". With Sex: The insanely numerous variety of condoms has become a marketing machine.

• Both involve an enormous amount of trust. Once we experience their style, perhaps we could be willing to explore more heightened and exploratory waxing and sexing options.

• It is to our benefit to have honest conversations before both of these games begin. What do we like and dislike? If we are prone to ingrown hairs..share that piece of information as they are the equivalent to Chlamydia.

• At first, seeing your bed mate and the hair removal specialist every 4-6 weeks can create a mystique.

• The hard truth: Some people just perform better and have mad skillz with the 2 tasks that we discuss.

• Perhaps your consummation is under the umbrella of prostitution. Well, my Russian has a “pimp” that I schedule with. I pay at the end. Enough said.

• Although I am not seeing other waxers, I am certain that she is seeing other people. I tuck that away. ..I don’t want or need to hear the details of such escapades. My waxer has a gift that should be shared. Or something like that. Ugh.

• At the end of both of these "sessions"... our skin has a glow.

• If the waxee or lover wants to prove their commitment, they bring the family on board . In the case of a potential romantic relationship, perhaps a nonthreatening dinner. On our other topic, just believe that a family that waxes together…stays together.

So yesterday when I was blown off by Ms. Formerly Known as Soviet Union, it hit a nerve. But today, my self esteem is back in check. Whatevs. Other waxers want me.

Day 350 - Laziness is Really Just Special Me Time

2010-07-24T16:54:00.003-04:00

July 24th, 2010

"Only in laziness can one achieve a state of contemplation which is a balancing of values, a weighing of oneself against the world, and the world against itself." - Jon Steinbeck

The Nobel Prize recipient and author of "The Grapes of Wrath" and "Of Mice and Men" wasn't alone when voicing the merits of being lazy.

Comedian Mitch Hedberg said, “Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck” , the band, The Offspring sang "Why Don't You Get a Job?" and Forrest Gump told us,"Lazy is as lazy does"(or something along those lines.)

Novels have even been written on the disinclination to activity and exertion( interesting that novelists would be experts on laziness...):

- "In Praise of Slowness : Challenging the Cult of Speed."
- "The Right to Be Lazy".
- "Hello Laziness! - Why Hard Work Doesn't Pay"
- "Bonjour Laziness! - How to Work as Little as Possible (Just Like the French)"
- "In Praise of Idleness"
- "Slowly, Slowly, Slowly, Said the Sloth."

I'm fleshing out some of my own book titles should I peruse the Barnes and Noble Lazy section(if I were lazy, I'd peruse online from my bed...or just not attend to the strenuous task at all should it interfere with my nap time from noon to 5:00PM):

Some of my titles:

- "Laziness is Really Just Special Me Time"
- "No Time to Save the World when You have High Thread Count Bedding"
- "Even Smoking Pot is a Chore"

I generally don't seek advice from Christian moral tradition...but they do preach some heavy shit on the topic of sloth, one of the seven deadly sins. According to this monotheistic religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus Harold Christ, being lazy is a capital sin because it destroys the charity in a man's heart and thus may lead to eternal death.

I can see the destroy the charitable heart part..but eternal death...seems improbable. Why? Read My novel, "When You're Too Lazy to Die".

Day 349 - Wet T-shirt. A-Z

2010-07-23T15:56:00.003-04:00

July 23rd, 2010

Bad news: Got caught in the rain. Good news: Won the wet t-shirt contest.

Rain part: True. Wet tee champion: Not so much.

I was walking around Greenwich Village with a student who had taken my improv class last year...reminiscing...laughing...whatnotting. Then...the rains came.

Evidently, water pouring onto a woman's chest that results with t-shirts turning translucent and clinging to breasts is a crowd pleaser. Even if the locale is walking down 6th avenue.

Sadly... at 10:30, there was no venue within my sight where I could just run in and scream, "Sign me up. My t-shirt is wet...and I'm feeling competitive!" I did, however, run into the Mail Box Express on the corner to see if they were holding a competition. No. But a delightful sale on packaging tape.

My imagination has been queued to script how it would go down shall I enter a wet t-shirt contest. Since I was with an improv friend, I shall tell the tale in a game that I do in my class: A to Z. The first word of each sentence will begin with a letter from the alphabet starting with A and ending with Z.

About a month a go, I was hanging out in Cancún, Daytona Beach or a Frat boy's fantasy(hard to remember because I was drunk off Jello Shots.)

Biff, a douche from a state school, convinced me to enter a wet t-shirt contest because I had what it takes: Boobs and a t-shirt.

Carlos'n Charlie's was the name of the bar where I was to compete.

Dynamic Duo are the name of my breasts.

Every time I consider dabbling in bad decision making, I find it best to consult with the ladies on my chest.

Finally, they gave me the green light when I told them the winner gets to be in a 1-900 commercial.

Gina McSyphilis was the reigning champion.

Her low self esteem was her secret weapon.

I also heard she banged some of the judges

Jermaine Jackson

Kid Rock

Little Richard

Mind you, I just named a few.

Needless to say, I had to stay focused, committed and energized to beat my respectable competition.

Oh what a proud family I would have if I brought home the coveted wet t-shirt prizes: Trophy, tahara and shame.

Police were on the premise...to cheer us on.

"Quality Girl" by original member of the rock band Kiss, Ace Frehley, was the song to kick off the competition.

Recent laws dictate that contestants may no longer reveal full breastage.

Sad...right?

The reigning champion, Gina, made a critical mistake.

Unfortunately for her, she decided to fondle her lady parts while proudly screaming, "I have a PhD in....

Venereal Diseases!"

Well...she was booed off the stage and it was wrong for me to assume that I had a shoe in to become the champion.

Xing Lee, the naughty Asian school girl contestant, ended up winning because she wooed the audience, law enforcement officials and even me when she added a vocal technique while displaying simulated acts of lesbianism(with herself.)

Yodeling

Zoology was her major and she had developed a complex high pitched falsetto to communicate with farm animals and frat brothers from across the land.

Day 348 - Greasy Trailer Park Lesbian Threesome Porn Ultimatum

2010-07-22T14:30:00.000-04:00

July 22nd, 2010

I have a dad, a brother, guy friends, past boyfriends and a current boyfriend. So I am pretty educated as to what guys adore:

- Beer
- Grills
- Lazy boys(with ass groove)
- Greasy trailer park lesbian threesome porn
- Ultimatums

Oh I know...I am aware that you're saying, "But Jax!," Say it isn't so. Men are in the Facebook group "Fans of Ultimatums"...really?

According to the MOST reliable information source (after Urban Dictionary and my waxer),"Cosmopolitan", men love when women(often in an act of desperation) demand fulfillment in a specified period of time.

Cosmo, You're incorrigible. Tell me how the XY chromosome types are, ya know, totally cool with a good 'ol fashioned ultimatum?

Cosmo :"It's a relationship myth that giving your guy an ultimatum will mess things up."

Jax's Thoughts - Here's another lacking in credibility myth for you. According to the Buddha of middle aged white women in red states, Dr Phil, "It is a myth that a great relationship requires a great romance." Phillip, isn't a relationship without romance a ...what's that word...stay with me...it's coming.. a friendship?

Cosmo: "The best way to make sure you'll stay relaxed is to talk to him as soon as you realize marriage has been on your mind frequently."

Jax's Thoughts: Want to stay relaxed. I suggest the Obama presidential acceptance speech method: Pretend you're The Fonze after 15 hours of Bikram Yoga, reading "The Secret" and downing a bottle of Quaaludes. Oprah stays easy breezy with heart to hearts with Stedman by purchasing a nonthreatening heavyset white man to lean on.

Cosmo:"When you start getting those persistent wedding-bell urges, find a nonstressful time to chat, like during a quiet dinner."

Jax's Thoughts: Be specific, Cosmo. Come on. It's crucial that said "quiet dinner" take place at the Olive Garden. Their motto, "When you're here...you're family" is sure to subliminally persuade your noncommittal special man to make you a part of "his family". If that doesn't work, the magical aphrodisiacs in the Five Cheese Ziti al Forno is sure to make him fall into a love coma. Then a real coma.

Cosmo:" Make a date to have a follow-up convo"

Jax's Thoughts - The follow up is brilliant. During this time, he will meet, fall in love with and marry a woman who doesn't get ultimatum advice from "Cosmo".

Good news. Keep reading Cosmo for tips on how to find a new man: Win his heart by loosing your sense of self, anorexia and the perfect appletini.

Day 347- Ask Jax - Part 22

2010-07-21T14:44:00.000-04:00

July 21st, 2010

This is the 22nd installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering ANY of your pressing inquiries with little to no thought, accuracy and sensitivity. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brookln, New York

Jax's Answer: Rabies, Kennel Cough and 7 minutes in heaven with a Bichon Frisé in a tutu

How did you train for your marathon? Any special secret? - Page Newsom Pelphrey, Guilford, Connecticut

Jax's Answer: Run. If anything gets in your way...move.

If they shaved Mickey Mouse, would it reveal six-pack abs? - Jarod Kearney, Staunton, Virginia

I wish. Sadly, the nation's "It" mouse is lacking superior, ripped and washboardy abdominal muscles. However Jarod, do shave Mickey if you're interested in seeing nipple rings made of Gouda cheese, a pot belly that's the result of eating too many left over croissants from failed Euro Disney and a tattoo that says, "Donald can kiss my rodent balls. No. seriously. He can."

Day 346 - Flatter Me With Plagiarism

2010-07-20T14:25:00.000-04:00

July 20th, 2010

Last night. Made steak. Felt primal.

My favorite animal is steak. This last sentence. Stole it. Thanks comedian Fran Lebowitz.

I wanted to channel my inner Carlos Mencia and be accused of being a plagiarist by stealing jokes from a number of comedians. In typical South Park fashion, an episode entitled "Fishsticks" had an animated Mencia admit "I took credit for it because I'm not actually funny!.... I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent!"

Later in the show, he is killed by Kanye West.

So it seems as if the Honduran-born American comedian's career hasn't suffered from taking credit for other people's jokes. So that means one thing. I must aim higher and be the thief of another person's words and ideas.

Let's do this.

I woke up this morning and it was delightful outside. "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin. I needed to go shopping and as we all know, "Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to." - Chris Rock. I hopped in a cab and had the driver stop at the bank. "Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?" - George Carlin. I was unpleasantly overcome by a pungent odor in the car. "What's with the cab drivers and B.O.? Just how long are these shifts? It's like they just get in the cab and drive 'til they are dead. Then they always have that cherry popit on the dashboard. Like that's suppose to be some kind of an improvement. Now you've got the cherry flavored B.O. I can't even imagine fruit going that long without a shower." - Jerry Seinfeld. "I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse." - Dennis Miller.

When I arrived at the Caucasian mall, I was pleased that the food court was selling Hot Pockets. "There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea." - Jim Gaffigan. After inhaling the processed microwavable turnover, " I was sweating like Kathy Lee at a Carrot Top look alike contest" - Lisa Lampanelli. My eyes are bigger than my stomach so I continued to peruse more edible mall options. "I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under D." - Mitch Hedberg.

I was feeling guilt for overeating because "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres. I blame my overdose on it being that time of the month. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself" - Roseanne. Whatever the catalyst, I found myself falling into a lethal food coma... I kept repeating, "I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't." - Steve Martin. "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen.

Like a gift from the mall Gods, my digestion torment was resolved when a perceived romantic option came my way to the left of the Gyro Hut. "I met this lawyer, we went out, I had the lobster bisque. We went back to my place, yadda yadda yadda, I never saw him again." - Elaine Benes. Yeah, I'm alright with that because my mantra is, "When the sun comes up, I have morals again." - Elayne Boosler.

Day 345 - "Don't Let Me Down, Hymie Town"

2010-07-19T14:22:00.003-04:00

July 19th, 2010

I have demoted a mild acquaintance's status to "If you're lucky, I might make obligatory eye contact with you on the street" because he shared the following: "Yea, so my cousin is dating a fucking black guy."

Discriminating chatter does not settle well with me. It's naive to feel it. It's naive to say it. Interesting note, the speaker of hate was Native American. I asked him if he was familiar with the Trail of Tears. His response, blank stare.

I get it y'all. Prejudice is about fear – fear of the unknown and fear of others who are different from ourselves. But I also feel that's just a sugarcoated way to say prejudice is about people. Who are dicks.

A reminder to my American readers. Since the powered wig intensive colonial era, heavy burdens of malicious discrimination have fallen upon Native Americans, African Americans, Asian Americans, Mexican Americans, American Jews, Italian Americans, Arab Americans and other immigrant groups and their descendants. In addition to this intolerant horror show, incidents of minorities discriminating against other minorities is not uncommon. The result: I throw my arms up in the air knowing that this just appeases the slew of fear based dicks who's life journey is devoted to seeing all of us obliterated.

The minority to minority lack of tolerance metal goes to American civil rights activist, Baptist minister and candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination, Jesse Jackson.

In 1984, he used "Hymies" to refer to Jews and "Hymietown" to mean New York City while talking to the Washington Post. At first he denied using the remarks and claimed the Jews were conspiring against him. Later he did admit that he did indeed make the slurs...but...you'll like this... he was talking disparagingly... in private...with a reporter. I too generally find reporters to be the sensible choice when seeking confidants. I seek solace knowing my secrets are safe with someone's who's paycheck is based on disseminating defamatory data to the masses.

To Jesse Jackson's credit, he did attempt to redeem himself...through song when he crooned the heartfelt lyrics from "Don't let Me Down, Hymie Town". Oh? That was Eddie Murphy doing a parody. (Arms in the air again.)

Either way, let's revisit the song. It's time to heal.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jessee Jackson.
And I was recently quoted in "The Washington Post"
as referring to a certain group of people as "Hymies."
They also said that I called New York, "Hymietown."
I realize that kind of talk isn't kosher,
but let me see if I can explain it to you all in song.

(R&B music plays)

As I said, I'm Jesse Jackson,
and I'm running for President of the United States.
I'm a Libra,
and this is a very special message to all you chosen people out there.
- Don't let me down - Jesse: No, no
- Don't let me down - No, no, no, no
Don't let me down...
Hymietown
Hymietown, well, well Hymietown...
I was your one and only until I read the news
Well, now I'm sad and lonely since I put down the Jews
Well...
We have so much in common
'Cause we've both been so oppressed
All right
We both have big noses
And gold chains on our chests
I wanna say please now
- Don't let me down - I'm begging you, please
- Don't let me down - I'm down on my knees, well
- Don't let me down - Hymietown
Hymietown, well, well... Hymietown...
I want to form a new coalition,
of soul people and bagel people.
From the Chitlin' District, to the Diamond District.
From catfish to gefilte fish.
We all need to live as one.
I want to look out over the crowd and see both leather hats
and yarmulkes side by side.
So come on, you brothers and sisters...
all you hymies and hymettes...
- Let's get it together. - Yeah!
Let's bring it all down, well, well, well
I wanna talk about love for one another
Hymietown...
Want to form a soul and kosher coalition
I love those black suits you wear
And them little tiny curls that hang down in your hair
You know we all need one another
I want to stay right here in Hymietown, well, well
With all my hymie brothers and sisters
Sometimes I feel a little hymie myself
Baruch ata adonai
Hymietown...

Day 344 - Tampon. Manpon. Jaxpon

2010-07-18T14:26:00.006-04:00

July 18th, 2010

My friend, Adam Holtz did the right thing and came to me when he needed to know the following: "Why are the contents of tampons listed on the box as 'ingredients'"?
I did the right thing when I went to my aunt Ruthie for an answer. My wise tanta was endearingly curt with her thoughts on Adam's perplexing Inquiry: "What people are eating is their own business...good to know the FDA has standards. BTW how many grams of fiber in a Super?"

Adam, a few things:

1) The scientific answer: Tampon ingredients include Cotton. Rayon. Love.
2) The answer is "no" when a young woman asks herself ,"I used a tampon for the first time today...does that mean that I'm no longer a virgin?"
3) And Adam, I would love to know the chain of events that led you to peruse the literature on a box of tampons.

Well, the unavoidable has occurred...now my mind is being "absorbed" by the phenomenon of these plugs found in the the most risque of drug store aisles, Feminine Hygiene.

Marketing pros with MBA's from more prestigious schools than I went to have given us....

Kotex: Your Period is as Unique as You Are

OB: Know Yourself. (Tampon Buddha)

As of five minutes ago, you have one more options: Jaxpons: Because the Unique Pine Cone Absorbency Will Have You Screaming From the Rooftops, "I Feel Like a Woman Today!"

I have been blessed by the Google Gods because I've been guided to the darling of interweb sites: Tampons Crafts: For any time of the month.

They say to think outside of the(Playtex) box and let that inner child bring tampon art to the world:

- Valentines Day: Bloody Heart Earrings!

- Father's Day: Tampon Toupee( a delightful complement to your Viagra cuff-links.).

- Don't second guess applicator options: Think Hanukkah Menorah. A Pan Flute

I support tampon inspired crafts as I want men to also be members of the elite plug club. Let us not forget that the testosterone driven sex also have the manpon option. I choose not to run with this because I'm still in the process of obliterating my guilt around day 324's entry, "Hooked on Colonics"(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/06/day-324-hooked-on-colonics.html .)

This is the most my conscious will allow me to share on manpons. My preferred unreliable resource, Urban Dictionary, gives us this sample sentence for manpon: "I had 40 hot wings last night. So I had to manpon it up."

Day 343 - Look to Fluffy. And Believe

2010-07-17T13:53:00.003-04:00

July 17th, 2010

One of the deadliest natural disasters in recorded history, the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, killed over 230,000 people in fourteen countries.

In contrast to the numerous human deaths, the wildlife uncannily suffered almost no casualties.

According to National Geographic:

• Elephants screamed and ran for higher ground.

• Dogs refused to go outdoors.

• Flamingos abandoned their low-lying breeding areas.

• Zoo animals rushed into their shelters and could not be enticed to come back out.

Yesterday I returned from teaching a 5 day comedy improv workshop at the Omega Institute, an educational, personal growth and wellness retreat center in Rhinebeck, New York.
It's a...how do you say... safe place. Even for animals. In the past week, I experienced multiple (skittish) furry and feathered creatures not feeling threatened and utilizing their heightened senses to be sociable.

• Ground hogs were in abundance. And not just their shadows. Up until 6 days ago, I'd never seen one of these "land beavers"( it's OK...I'm giggling too) and now I've been granted permission to stand two feet away from them, share a joint and talk existentialism.

• A gaggle of geese attempted to come visit my improv class in action. Evidently, big fans of "Who's line is it Anyway".

• Even the campus cat was hanging out and not acting like a bitch.

• Magical unicorns flew from the sky and threw sparkly confetti .

*** One of these is an untruth. I know. Like a cat would ever give us the time of day.

Not to go all New Agey on your ass and change my name to Dandelion Kale...but "magic" does happen at the Omega Institute and it oozes with loving, safe and giving energy. The animals got the memo. We get the document too but frequently choose not to read it.

A challenge for us: Let's jump start our intuition and seek guidance from the animals.

I found it very helpful when I asked a groundhog if I should join the Mel Gibson Fan Club.

Day 342 - Ask Jax - Part 21

2010-07-16T08:46:00.000-04:00

July 16th, 2010

This is the 21st installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Are there any good free pottery classes within 20 minutes of my apartment? - Jon Reitzes, Brooklyn New York

Jax's Answer - Jon, it is beyond serendipitous that you came to me with this inquiry because we're neighbors AND I teach a free pottery class. Having been trained in the Patrick Swayze-Demi Moore technique, you will leave my class having mastered pinching, coiling and glazing. My specialty clay projects include making dreidels, urns and Jheri curl intensive busts of Lionel Ritchie's head.

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near? - Pete Schwinge , Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer: I wear a Pashmina. Made of bird seeds.

Can you watch my cat for a few days? - Clyde Heneriques, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's answer - This is a bold choice because the last time I babysat (Cupcake) the cat she became my muse for a photography project entitled "The Kitty Porn Project". Oh the time we had, we laughed, we purred we liked it better than "Cats". Wait. Scratch that. Below is the summation of how we spent our time together last time(and ideas for future encounters) that I wrote about on "Day 327 - Moroccan BBQ Love & Cold Fusion Kitty". If you feel comfortable with my continued intentions, I'd be honored to pamper your pussy.

As I mentioned, in an effort to take our relationship to the next inappropriate level, I've been photographing Cupcake in her rawest moments. So far the the photo series includes the following installments:.

- Kitty Porn. Part 1 - Cupcake sitting on her cat butt with her cat paw on her cat crotch. Title: Addicted to the Nip. Chronic Masturbator

- Kitty Porn. Part 2 - She's wearing my bikini - Title: Celebrate the Season. Hot or Not?

- Kitty Porn. Part 3 - Title: Kitty with Vibrator

Future installments for The Kitty Porn Project :

- Astronaut Kitty

- Cold Fusion Kitty (Included are goggles, white lab jacket and a Bunsen burner)

- Blow Jobs For Crack Kitty

Day 341 - Jax's Alternative Universe Bible

2010-07-15T08:51:00.002-04:00

July 15th, 2010

I was speaking to a nice person the other day who's been living a life of practicing the seven heavenly virtues - Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Kindness and Humility.

I know. Right? Living Righteously...Borrringggg....

In my effort to convince my readers(and myself) to "own our sins", I have a new anti-bible hardcover entitled:"Jax's Alternative Universe Bible".

I'm aware that you're asking, "But Jax! You wear Jewess jeans. How are you so versed in the New Testament? Simple answer. I have a writing group. And God is a member.

Some highlights from "Jax's Alternative Universe Bible" that can be found at Barnes and Nobles. In the hell section.

* LUST

God's Bible: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: My scriptures encourage you to allow your oversexed genitals to be your guide. Acting on your primal and intense desires with whomever you want, when you want and where you want shows that you're a real "go getter." There is, however, one exception. All followers of the "Jax's Alternative Universe Bible" shall not thrust their self-indulgent craving for sexual intimacy upon my boyfriend. Seriously...not cool.

* GLUTTONY

God's Bible: “For drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags” (Proverbs 23:21).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: Eating in excess means you're not anorexic, over drinking says, "Hey, I'm not sober and boring!" and consuming material objects in bulk means you're rich. Or married well. All good things.

* GREED

God's Bible: “Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more” (Ephesians 4:19).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: Excessive self-centeredness reminds the busy sinner to take some "All about me time."

* WRATH

God's Bible: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1) .

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible - I say spurn love and opt for fury. In "A Few Good Men", an enraged anger Jack Nicholson says, "You can't handle the truth!"

In summation, Wrath= Oscar nomination

* ENVY

God's Bible: “Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation” (1 Peter 2:1-2).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible -Your painful and resentful desire to possess the same traits, status, abilities and situations enjoyed by another is a great way to connect and let them know, "Hey I recognize your awesomeness even if I'm allowing my own insecurities to destroy my life. Let's high five."

* PRIDE

God's Bible: “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible : Have pride in your inflated ego. 1 out of every 2 people went to a high school whose mascot was a panther. Remember what the cheerleaders said to us at the state football game:

Panther pride! Panther pride!
We're steppin’ up, so step aside!
We're the best; we’re here to win
Panther power's here again!

And cheerleaders are wise.

* SLOTH

God's Bible: “The way of the sluggard is blocked with thorns, but the path of the upright is a highway” (Proverbs 15:19).

Jax's Alternative Universe Bible: Jobs are overrated, soap operas make you smarter and not showering is the biggest gift you can give the environment. The pot isn't going to smoke itself.

Day 340 - The Answer is Sex, Alex

2010-07-14T08:43:00.002-04:00

July 14th, 2010

On Day 319 - "So It Turns Out...We're All Pervs", I wrote the following, "Upon my review, it seems as if my blogs that inspired you to take a moment out of your busy day( being at work or on the phone waiting to speak to a "live" employment representative) were often under a sexual umbrella. Cases in point: Like Michelangelo's fresco on the Sistine Chapel ceiling, you reached out your virtual hand to me(via Facebook and Blogspot comments) when I told you what is required to see my boobs, when we explored the phenomena of penis panic and when we met the STD's at a dive bar called The Itch. Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burnin' for You” was playing."

It takes some time for the writer/reader relationship to develop a rhythm...and as I near the finale of my 365 day blog entry challenge, it only seems fair and balanced that I continue to give you want you want. The Sex.

As there are so many ways we can" "tap" into the topic, I decided to explore another "position" today that I hope will leave us all "satisfied".

My friend Ken, a real think outside the "box" kinda guy, suggested that this blog should "go down" as follows: "Conceive" questions where sex would be the answer. Well, needless to say, I found this idea "arousing".

So, "fuck", let's do this.

In the spirit of going all jeopardy on your ass, the following are inquiries where the answer shall be s-e-x.

- Instead of teaching Bristol the sport of wolf gunning, Sarah Palin should have been talking to her daughter about _______.

- What was anti-gay Idaho Senator Larry Craig in search of when he entered a men's restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport?

- The only exercise that Americans get these days is ______.

- When I was child, my parents gave me the book, "How Babies Are Made" because they were uncomfortable discussing_______ with me.

- According to Bill Clinton, if there is no penetration, it's not really_______.

- Although it is not clear if George Michael was singing to a man or woman, he exuded his (perceived) definition of sensuality in his song, "I Want Your _______".

- It is still undetermined if Dr. Ruth, Kermit the Frog and stars without make are having _______?

- What is the number "6" in German?

- I'm going to wrap up today's entry because I'm feeling a combination of stress and hot & bothered. It is best that I put away the laptop and attend to my primal urges with dirty primal _______.

Day 339 - Massage. Not So Happy Ending

2010-07-13T08:40:00.001-04:00

Dear Mediocre Masseuse,

It comes from a heavy heart that you will not have access to my body anymore. I found your service to be sub par. I don't think there is such a thing as a "bad massage" unless the giver is Edward Scissorhands, Freddy Krueger or someone born without hands. But, to put it quite simply, it wasn't hard enough. Perhaps you were massaging from the head...not the heart. Either way, my boyfriend has been out of town and I was in need of some human contact and you didn't deliver...No, not a happy ending. You're not my type.

When my muscles are being rubbed, kneaded and manipulated, I require that one of three things must occur: I fall asleep, drool or get aroused. To my dismay, none of these criteria were met, my mind started to wonder and I asked myself, "Did I leave the oven on?" Then I became concerned that you left your oven on. The audio you played had running water which just triggered my bladder and using Vaseline instead of some earth scented lotion was just...I don't know...creepy. Your cell phone ringing while you were working on my glutes was hard to justify. Even more difficult to stomach was the "Mission Impossible" theme song ring tone.

I am forced to take a stand and break up with you. I can't be dishonest and say, "It's not you...it's me" because it is...um... you. Yes, the separation might come as a surprise as we just had one single encounter, I pretended to enjoy the coddling and I'm a generous tipper. I was groomed to treat service people with respect and I will continue to adhere to that principle...yet, I would ultimately be providing both of us a disservice(in regards to your service) if I didn't gently urge you to consider other careers that require a gentle touch. Milk a cow...you are sure to be udder friendly. Babysit delicate newborns. Work in HR...fire people.

Shall we pass each other on the street...I don't want it to be weird. Assuming I will already be in a relationship with another masseuse, I will be feeling low tress because I'll be getting massaged in the way I deserve to be massaged.

This is not see you later. It's goodbye.

Jax

PS: Do you offer gift certificates?

Day 338 - Look to Lamar Latrell

2010-07-12T08:37:00.002-04:00

July 12th, 2010

3 of the most memorable movie moments of all time:

- "The Godfather" gave us a severed horse head in a bed.
- Linda Blair's spinning head (much like a dreidle...made out of clay)in the Exorcist".
- Lamar Latrell gracefully throwing the flimsy aerodynamic javelin in "Revenge of the Nerds".

Readers, please tell me you've seen the classic where nerds retaliate with grace, fervor and with the bad ass backing of Lamda Lamda Lamda? Because here's the thing: There are two types of people in the world. Those who know the following song. And those who don't. Ask yourself, "Who am I?"

Clap your hands everybody, and everybody clap your hands!

We're Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu
We come here on stage tonight to do a show for you

We've got a rockin' rhythm and a high tech sound
That'll make you move your body down to the ground

We've got Poindexter on the violin
And Louis and Gilbert will be joinin' in

We've got Booger Presley on a mean guitar
And a rap by little old me, Lamar

We've got Takashi beating on his gong
The boys and the Mus are clapping along

And just when you thought you'd seen it all
Along comes a Lambda 4 feet tall

Oh..the perceived concept of Nerdom, you are timeless.

I can empathize, sympathize and jazzercise with nerds because, admittedly, my life experience has served up(what doesn't kill you...makes you stronger) moments when people gave me the sucker punching glance that lets me know (in a"delightfully" scathing manner) that they perceive me as lesser than.

How about those ignorantly evil judgers of the world who attain their skewed definition of joy by throwing Lamar Latrell's javelin into the self esteem of others to control the environment around them.

They's diches (douches + dicks.)

What? Oh. You raise a good point. Indeed, it is ironic that I have in fact judged the judgers. You're smart. Like Mensa smart.

Truth is, I have experienced the full circle of people hastily placing me in society's pecking order. You see, I've also been at "the top" looking down because, at times, I've been interpreted as awesome when said judgers know little to nothing about me.

Yeah, you can keep doing that.

Day 337 - Find Peace. Commune with a Magical Robotic Unicorn

2010-07-11T00:36:00.002-04:00

July 11th, 2010

For my entries on day 292, 303 and 320("Be the Man Your Mom Is", "Turducken Killed the Meat Making Star" and "Ritalin + Nasal Passages"), I perused my virtual network's Facebook status updates and mentioned the ones that reached me the most in the heart area. I declare today, day 337 of my 365 day blog entry challenge, part four of dissecting the updates that I found most inspiring. Touching. Perplexing.

Today's picks:

Facebook Update: Had fun tonight with some friends I haven't seen in awhile.

Jax's Thoughts: Seriously? That's the best you could do? Readers of statuses(stati?) expect to be indulged by your revelations. If you're not willing to admit that you had fun with old friends because you had a pillow fight, ate Crystal Meth flavored Ben & Jerry's ice cream out of the carton and gave blow jobs for crack, we're not interested. Next.

Facebook Update: My blackberry deleted ALL of my contacts. You haven't been removed due to anger, hate or spite.

Jax's Thoughts - My Blackberry deleted all my contacts once because it had to retaliate for constant dropping. Then my hand held electronic device hit me due to anger, hate and spite.

Facebook Update: I'm on day 337 of my 365 day blog entry challenge. Final stretch. If you wish, throw out topics of interest for the final stretch. http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/

Jax's thoughts: Who is this self indulgent PR whore...Oh wait, that's was my status update. My bad.

Facebook Update: Loneliness is not cured by human company, per se. Loneliness is cured by communing with reality.

Jax's Thoughts - Loneliness is also cured by communing with a magical robotic unicorn that flies through the stratosphere wearing a sundress, drinking a Tab and preaching the benefits of fiber intensive yogurts.

Facebook Update - I'm headed to Pisa and Florence for today's journey!!! lunch suggestions in Florence anyone?

Jax's Thoughts - Olive Garden

Day 336 Ask Jax - Part 20

2010-07-10T08:42:00.001-04:00

July 10th, 2010

This is the 20th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Just came up from F train...on platform was an enormous doody...human kind...who does this ..when do they do it ? - Ruth Kabat Thomas, New York, New York

Jax's Answer - I'll tell you who leaves their fecal matter on the subway stairs...someone with a healthy digestive tract. I salute a person with a moral code that screams, "I can do(do) what I want, where I want and when I want." These heroes possess convictions that deserve to be celebrated. Ruth, you too will be esteemed when you just allow for your colon to take charge. Yes even in and around public transportation. I can help. Because I prefer not to dote on myself, I seldom share that I am indeed...a colon whisperer. I'd be happy to make a house call if you're ready for the world to stand up(on the subway platform) and take notice of your "living on the edge" excretion choices. Before my arrival, please consume 78 pounds of Kale.

If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? - Anonymous

Jax's Answer: Seriously? This is what you give me? Such a lame play on words taints my eyes and the only person who could(maybe) get away with saying this is a grandfather. A dying grandfather. You're on probation from visiting my blog and if I knew who you were I would have you do 20 hours of community service at an institution inhabited by people with pathetic one-liners.

Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed? - Claudia Mizrahi - Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - If your definition of problem is awesome... then yes, sexual harassment is awesome for the self-employed. I've been sexually harassing myself for years. My skin has a rosy hue, I'm getting along better with my mother and have taken up para-sailing.

Day 335 - Mom...Dad, You're Adopted

2010-07-09T10:38:00.004-04:00

July 9th, 2010

My readers are inquiring:
- "As your blogging saga builds towards its explosion-laden, last-minute twist-that-leaves-us-wondering-if-the-villain-is-really-dead climax, how do you intend to ratchet up the tension as the brakes fly off the ride and we begin to coast into the final drop?" - Nat Sternbergh

"You are on the home stretch! almost 365! Then what? Your readers are dying to know!" - Mary Rives

"Don't you think its time for more financial security?" - Dad

6 days ago, on Day 329, I began contemplating as to where I should go post day 365.

I mentioned some initial thoughts in regards to forward movement as I began divvying up my writing into distinct categories.

1) It is crucial that I make very real goals that I will continue to throw out to the universe:

- I want to make money from my writing
- I want to have a book
- I want a "Ask Jax" column. In "The Onion" would be ideal
- I want a literary agent
- I want a pony. Named Dazzle

2) I thought there could be some wisdom for thinking about initial titles for my future book. I came up with the following.

- "How to be Successful in Comedy When You and Your Parents Are Not Alcoholics"

- "Writers: Keeping Coffee Houses in Business Since the Invention of Words"

- "Jacqueline Kabat Cookbook. Eating Healthy, It's No Joke" (cover includes me wearing an apron and chef hat as I stand in front of a piece of lattice in the Tuscan countryside)

- "My Year of Tranformative Soul Searching. And I'm Still Fucked Up"

- "The Divinci Code"

In the last few days, I've conceived a few more possible titles:

- "Enablers are Just Special Givers"

- "Boobs! Boobs! Boobs!"

- "Oprah"

Clearly some of these are in jest(kinda) but I do feel "Enablers are Just Special Givers" and "How to be Successful in Comedy When You and Your Parents Are Not Alcoholics"(or some shorter variation of this title) have some promising standing.

I was perusing the humor section at Barnes and Nobles and saw that multiple comedians have books with some reference to addiction:

"It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs" by Rodney Dangerfield

"The Other Great Depression: How I'm overcoming, on a daily basis, at least a million addictions and dysfunctions and finding a spiritual (sometimes) life" - Richard Lewis

"No Wonder My Parents Drank" - Jay Mohr

So it seems that I suffered a huge comedic disadvantage because my parents aren't alcoholics. Even more devastating, I'm not either.

It seems clear that the only way for me to move forward in my career would be to release feelings of parental resentment for not raising me in a hostile alcoholic environment.

I have scripted the conversation that I'll be having with my parents that will take place in a safe...neutral spot, The Olive Garden.

Mom. Dad,
First off. You're adopted. But that's not why I brought you here today.

In my effort to let go of my anger, I need to express how your inability to struggle with addiction has affected my comedic path. My childhood in a non-alcoholic family (sadly) has not lowered my self-esteem, not resulted in excessive feelings of guilt and, worse off,has not increased my likelihood of becoming an alcoholic. They say that the biggest gift that you can give your child is the ability to enable. I've focused long enough on the negative parts of living with your sobriety. Oprah told me to remember the hurt but let go of the pain. Stedman urged me to acknowledge the act but let go of the anger. The proverbial silver lining in the dark cloud of your non-lush lifestyle choice is that I've had to tap into the depths of my soul to find my own things to be bitter about. Perhaps this perseverance is a genetic trait that I inherited from my birth parents who left me on the steps of a Mail Boxes Etc.on 6th Avenue. Today I come from a place of peace and extend this Olive(Garden) branch to you so we can experience the familial bliss of a functioning alcoholic family.

Day 334 - Boobs: People Have Them or People Love Them

2010-07-08T02:22:00.004-04:00

July 8th, 2010

Years ago, I developed a character named Monica Merris. She was a talk show host(with an undesirable late morning time slot similar to the third hour of the "Today Show". But worse.) who is manically high energy, brutally smiley and very candid about binging and purging before going live. But like(was she shot in the face?)Greta Van Susteren, Monica asks the hard questions. That you want to know. When you're bored.

Ms. Merris was resurrected in my mind the other day and I dusted off her vomit so she could conduct an interview on a topic that I suspected would seduce my readers. BOOBS.

The statistics of my 365 day blog entry challenge are showing me that my entries related to boobs( in some way, shape or form fitting way) are generating the most responses. The numbers don't lie. And if they do...they're dicks.

Monica M. went down to Daytona Beach to interview a drunk collegiate spring breaker's breasts, Mommy 1 and Mommy 2. The interview was conducted Babara Walters style. Included were lisp, Monica partially covered by a plant in fuzzy lighting and the pressing questions that made the Mommies cry(in the form of lactation.)

Here's a short preview of what Mommy 1 and Mommy 2 revealed to my alter ego television personality:

Mommy 1: Sports bras are strait jackets for breasts. I'd rather not revisit the fear, claustrophobia and suffocation that we experienced when Master ran a 5K.

Mommy 2: We have no say as to who Master brings home to fondle us. That's Brain's job. Sadly, Master is a raging drunk and an expert in bad decision making. We've been mauled by some real douches.

Mommy 1: Basically, we're prisoners on a body. For survival, we find ourselves sympathizing with Master. Think "Stockholm syndrome" Patty Hearst.

Mommy 2: We're not naive. When Master gets knocked up...we'll end up making all the meals.

Mommy 1: Master once dabbled in burlesque and we were forced to wear these hideous glittered tassels while she did a white girl dance to some Sade song. Not only did she embarrass us. She embarrassed herself.

Mommy 2: We're going to have to cut this interview short because Master is getting drunk on Jäger shots and she's ready to participate in raw, real and uncensored action in "College Girls Gone Wild". No, we don't find this degrading because we're going to be on TV. And being on TV is awesome.

Day 333 - Jax. On Acting

2010-07-07T10:01:00.002-04:00

July 7th, 2010

We put down the crack pipe when Nancy Reagan made her special guest appearance (as her herself) crusading for her "Just Say No to Drugs" campaign on" Diff'rent Strokes", it was verified that Britney Spears had a notch below zero comedic ability when she visited "How I Met Your Mother" and now the small screen has given us Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, in an episode of "Secret Life of the American Teenager" in a role that mirrored her real life.

Now I don't watch this show whose tag line is "Expect the unexpected", but according to my Google research, Palin appeared awkward while stumbling out lines like, "It's your buddy, Bristol. We're buddies. We're on a buddy system here, open the door." Awesome.

Evidently, she isn't interested in pursuing an acting career so she can focus on being a single mother. Bristol, I strongly urge you against this because you're blessed with the genetic and situational makeup that stars are made of.

I want you to succeed. And you can. Here's how:

- You're pretty and already in the public eye for doing nothing besides having a notorious mother and getting knocked up in a pickup truck at a kegger. Winning combo.

- Headshots are expensive. I've seen your skanky Myspace pictures. They'll do.

- Watch a lot karaoke videos, Spanish soap operas and German World War 2 propaganda videos should your talent segue you into international markets.

- Interested in comedy? Put on some librarian classes and imitate Tina Fey imitating your mother. It will klll.

- Stretching before a scene is crucial. If you can't touch your toes...have your bodyguard touch them.

- Need a monologue for an audition. 4 words: Rush Limbaugh Hate Speech

- To succeed in the acting craft, you must be willing to go to the depths of your soul to believably display the most traumatic of emotions. I recommend tapping into the fear and pain that a dying wolf suffers after your mother shoots him from an aircraft.

- My college Drama 101 teacher stressed the importance of warming up vocally. Some sample riddles:

"Good Blood, Bad Blood, Good Blood, Bad Blood,
Red Blood, Blue Blood, Red Blood, Blue Blood,..."

"Whether the weather be cold, Or whether the weather be hot, We'll be together whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not..."

"I am the daughter of a woman with a fascist agenda for moral order. Whether I like it or not. Wolf Blood, Red Blood,Good Blood..."

*In an unrelated note, this drama teacher who taught us these vocal exercises was later fired for sexual harassment. Evidently it is frowned upon when you ask your students how old they were when they lost their virginity.

Day 332 - Heatwave, Old Age or Douchebaggery

2010-07-06T15:01:00.003-04:00

July 6th, 2010

On day 158 of my 365 day blog challenge, I wrote an entry called “Jew, Not-a-Jew or Canadian?” I gave you scenarios and asked you which of these three categories the examples fell under.(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-158-jew-not-jew-or-canadian.html.) On Day 166, I brought to you another list to test your knowledge of 3 interchangeable people: Bill O’Reilly, Kanye West and Mother Teresa. (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-166-bill-oreilly-kanye-west-or.html.) Determining if you were celebrating Passover, Easter or The Festival of Steve Guttenberg was where we journeyed on Day 235(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html.) And just because I was curious, on Day 243, I needed to know if you had the Fear of Failure, Abandonment or Zombies? (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-243-fear-of-failure-abandonment-or.html.) On day 253, I had you determine if you were suffering from penis panic, vagina fervor or Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo( http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-253-penis-panic-vagina-fervor-or.html)and on day 282, I proposed that you ask your soul if it comes from a place of Schadenfreude, Mudita or Indifference (http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-282-schadenfreude-mudita-or.html.)

Today, the northeast is suffering an uninvited heatwave that is bequeathing sweltering(I didn't know numbers went this high) humidity and rivers of (the human body really is 60 to 70 percent water) sweat. And people are dying. Including old people. I need to be clear that I am not minimizing extreme temperatures taking the lives of our elders, but it always leaves me wondering if a 100 year old would have still died today despite the100 degree weather.

This leads me to today's quiz. Since I prefer writing in 3's, I need one more lethal scenario that claims lives. Let's go with being a douche(the scientific name is douchebaggery.)

In order to determine how you most likely will be offed, ask yourself if your lifestyle makes you more likely to suffer from a heatwave, old age or douchebaggery.

- Despite your city's call for an emergency evacuation, you decide to stick it out in your urban excessively hot unconditioned apartment because you want to win the t-shirt that says, " I survived unusually hot weather, resulting from a slowly moving air mass of relatively high temperature...and all I got was this stupid t-shirt."

- You're an overinflated sense of self worth Chris Brown at the BET awards.

- Your children are going through midlife crisis's.

- You're already dehydrated, sunburned and dizzy but still have no interest in going into Bed Bath & Beyond with your wife. You stay in your leather interior-ed turned off car, with the windows up and listen to the 21 album Rolling Stones box set.

- Your name is Zack. But go by Zak.

- You refer to soap operas as "my stories".

- You've cut water out of your diet.

- You apply yourself liberally with Axe deodorant, styling gel and body spray before you go out with the girl you're cheating on your girlfriend with.

- You're Al Gore. On a soap box.

- You think "Mad Men" is a present day documentary.

Day 331 - Mint Julep Kegger

2010-07-05T18:05:00.000-04:00

July 5th, 2010

Yesterday, Independence Day, we celebrated the legal separation of the thirteen colonies from Great Britain in the way that John Hancock intended: Explosives, Hebrew National Hot Dogs and a justifiable excuse to dabble with alcoholism.

It seems as if there is little discussion as to the events that took place on July 5th, 1776. After the partying was over, I imagine that our new nation digested some harsh reality as to what it takes to succeed on their own. Similar to our freshman year in college, the first few weeks as a new country were extremely critical for the nouveau Americans because their actions affected the rest of their lives.

If I had been available on 7-5-76, I would have held a town hall meeting and given the naive colonists concrete tips for guidance and survival tips.

I'd start off by addressing my audience with, "Whatever you do, be sure to be yourself and try to enjoy your new country experience as much as possible. Expect to feel some stress and homesickness, but don't let these issues wear you down."

- Go to the post office and fill out a "change of address" forum.

- Don't feel obligated to be part of a distinct or formal organization right away. You have plenty of time to decide if you want to join fraternities like the Federalists or Anti- federalists. FYI, The Wigs are known for unethical hazing tactics: Tar and feathering.

- Get to know your neighbors and invite them to a mint julep kegger.

- Stay healthy by eating right. Without the Brits around to serve you a balanced meal, you may be tempted to go for those extra onion pies, fried Welsh rabbits and fish muddles.

- Learn to do your own laundry. Separate your petticoats, bodices and pantaloons.

- Although I recommend visiting the Career Services Office, don't feel pressured to make a hasty decision about a career. Being part of an independent nation is the time for you to discover who you are, what you like to do and what you excel at. Take your time. Enjoy exploring your options.

- Learn to cope with homesickness. It's only natural that there will be times when you miss the mother land, even if you were one of those colonists who couldn't wait to get away from them. Find a way to deal with those feelings, such as journaling, Pilates or pigeon shooting.

- Avoid credit card debt.

Day 330 - More Explosive? Fireworks or Hot Dogs in Bulk?

2010-07-04T14:22:00.001-04:00

July 4th, 2010

Happy 4th of July y'all! Our "darling" of federal holidays that commemorates the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, makes note of that independence thing from the Kingdom of Great Britain and commonly associated with...

- (according to Wikipedia, the crème de la half and half of resources) parades, barbecues, carnivals, fairs, picnics, concerts, baseball games, political speeches and ceremonies, and various other public and private events celebrating the history, government, and traditions of the United States. Independence Day is the national day of the United States."

- a smallish Asian man winning a hot dog eating contest (and suffering debilitating symptoms of digestion trauma on July 5th.)

- a day that inspires the declaration of the most blissful of adjectives(nirvana...delight...psychotic) in regards to pyromaniacs with that impulse to deliberately start fires to relieve tension and induce feelings of gratification and relief. God bless 'em.

My instincts are urging me to segue to the pioneers of lovable explosives, the Grucci Fireworks Company. Headquartered in Brookhaven, New York, the five-generation, family-owned and operated company produces, designs and displays over 300 performances annually around the world.

They pride themselves in being the "Top Name in Fireworks in the World."

Interesting note, years ago, the Kabats were the leading name in fireworks. That was until my great great really great grandfather Mordechai Kabat sold his business to some misguided hoodlum yutes on the streets of Brooklyn. Why sell out? According to Kabat folklore, the elders wanted future generations to thrive in the New World by not losing limbs in freak warehouse accidents.

Mordechai, a real forward thinker. And an accordion savant.

Day 329 - How to be Successful in Comedy When You and Your Parents Are Not Alcoholics

2010-07-03T09:33:00.001-04:00

July 3rd, 2010

Many of you have asked, "But Jax! What are you going to do once your '365 Day Blog Entry Challenge of Cosmic Angst Through the Eyes of Comedic Insight' comes to an end?" Up until very recently, I never felt too pressured to reveal a thorough answer as it seemed that the end date was never a stones throw away. Well I just spoke to that stone and it can see it's destination, 36 days from now.

My primary goal was just to be able to maintain the endurance to get through this. But I know my sensitive soul well and I do expect to experience some very real "loss" of some sort on day 366. I do see continuing to write in the blogosphere simply because I like the discipline, the release, the power of this interweb thing and instant feedback(that's the performer in me.) The specifics regarding my time, commitment and angles for future entries has not yet been determined.

Right now, I'm forcing myself to see how I can compartmentalize, organize and analyze a years worth of material(some rich in content...some disposable.) I have begun by perusing past entries in the search of thematic commonalities. Upon casual glance, here are some themes I'm finding:

- Wrapping common trials and tribulations in a candy wrapper

- My love affair with my Brooklyn community

- Family - Interesting note, during this past year, both of my grandmothers turned 90 and I got to document much of the celebrations in my blog. More importantly, I got to read my tributes to these two special women.

- My attempts at profoundness and profanity

- Fear

- Ask Jax - I adore providing answers to your inquiries that involve little to no accuracy.

- I'm a Nonchalant Observer

- Boobs

- My life in comedy

- Money

- Ways to assist people you love. In unethical ways

- Personifying inanimate objects -(example - this is what happened inside a woman's purse on Day 170 -" Live Together, Die Alone"(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-170-live-together-die-alone.html)

- My Jewessness

- Things I get

- Things I don't get

- Things I get. But am ashamed to admit

- Penises

- There's been frequent mention of satiating my entrepreneurial spirits with a business called "Jax's Baby Doo-Rags. For Babies. In Baby Gangs". Fingers crossed

After reviewing the the glorified theme brainstorm above, I am pointing to my head while saying, "It's no picnic in here."

A trusted friend suggested that I begin thinking of titles for a possible book. OK. Some initial thoughts:

- "How to be Successful in Comedy When You and Your Parents Are Not Alcoholics"

- "Writers: Keeping Coffee Houses in Business Since the Invention of Words"

- "Jacqueline Kabat Cookbook. Eating Healthy, It's No Joke" (cover includes me wearing an apron and chef hat as I stand in front of a piece of lattice in the Tuscan countryside)

- "My Year of Tranformative Soul Searching. And I'm Still Fucked Up"

- "The Divinci Code"

Yay me because I have begun the preliminary "where to go from here" process. I need to commit to this phase as diligently as I have to my daily entries. This next sentence warrants all caps. I CAN'T DROP THE BALL ON THIS. NO SERIOUSLY. I CAN'T.

People who wear patrouille tell me that I just need to tell the universe what I want. OK.

- I want to make money from my writing
- I want to have a book
- I want a "Ask Jax" column. In "The Onion" would be ideal
- I want a literary agent
- I want a pony. Named Dazzle

Day 328 - Ask Jax - Part 19

2010-07-02T12:15:00.001-04:00

July 2nd, 2010

This is the 19th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Jax, I'm a writer like you. So you know that people of our trade spend a good amount of time in coffee shops to write. Well my favorite coffee shop has stopped allowing clientele to use their bathroom. I'm not even sure why. I really like this place and fear my creative flow will not prosper anywhere else. But my digestive tract needs to flow too. What should I do? - Anonymous, Los Angles, California

Jax's Answer: My heart goes out to you Anonymous. I know what it's like to find a coffee shop that you just fit with. Like a puzzle piece. It just "gets" you. I know it seems impossible that you could ever love another coffee house again...but I have to give you tough love... let this place go. Move on with with your writing...your life. Remind yourself that your coffee shop pulled a reprehensible dick move: Discontinued bathroom use at a place that pushes the most potent of diuretics...that is devoid of human feelings. Let's just hope that this no toilet trend is not implemented at our favorite Fiber cafes.

My question is... Will the amazing Jacqueline Kabat be stopping by my photography exhibit? - Fredda Gordon, New York, New York

-Only if there is an impressive spread of crudites, boxes of wine and if I can bring my pompously brooding(dressed in black turtleneck)Austrian photographer friend, Jurgen.

I'm lonely. What should I do? - Tia Jennings, San Francisco, California

Jax's Answer - This inquiry makes me sad. In the heart area. Call me immediately. Now there is a good chance that I will not pick up the phone because I've been spending a disturbing amount of time dressing up my boyfriend's cat(example, my bikini) in a photography project entitled: Kitty Porn.(For more details, please visit yesterday's blog http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/07/day-327-moroccan-bbq-love-cold-fusion.html.)

There are, however, three other options to alleviate your "I feel lonely" symptoms should I not be available.
1) Watch season 1 of "True Blood"
2) Use a battery operated friend
3) In emergency situations, use your battery operated friend while watching "True Blood".(*Only effective if Double AA batteries have been purchased. In bulk.)

Day 327 - Moroccan BBQ Love & Cold Fusion Kitty

2010-07-01T17:51:00.002-04:00

July 1st, 2010

Our token neighborhood Moroccan friend is a muscular dude, wears a shark tooth around his neck and couldn't answer me when I asked "Have you ever killed a man?" He possesses one other attribute that is the closer when I'm picking friends: Badass chef.

Last night, he and his wife (who might be the nicest person I've ever met...if I've said you were...you've been demoted) invited our crew over for a BBQ. Imagine Hebrew National hot dogs, one notch below mediocre store bought potato salad and boxes of wine. It was the exact opposite of that. I was too consumed in ungraceful food inhalation to inquire about about how he specifically prepared his edibles of exponential perfection. I mean...the hamburgers had cut up apple in them. Cut Up Apples! I am versed enough in the culinary arts to take notice when my meals are prepared...with love(wiping tear.)

Somewhere before the chocolate mojitos and after the Moroccan chicken, I felt it best to share a photo series that I have on my Blackberry. My inspiration: Cupcake, my boyfriend's cat who I'm babysitting. Because she knows who is the giver of food, she's become smitten with all that is Jax. In fact, our connection was sealed when she started watching me. In the shower.

In an effort to take our relationship to the next inappropriate level, I've been photographing her in her rawest moments. So far the series includes the following scenarios.

- Kitty Porn. Part 1 - Cupcake sitting on her cat butt with her cat paw on her cat crotch. Title: Addicted to the Nip. Chronic masturbator

- Kitty Porn. Part 2 - She's wearing my bikini - Title: Celebrate the Season. Hot or Not?

- Kitty Porn. Part 3 - Title: Kitty with Vibrator

My pictures were well received by my friends(and it wasn't due to party guests being high on Moroccan spices. And other things.)

In fact, in a group effort, future installments for The Kitty Porn project were conceived.

- Astronaut Kitty

- Cold Fusion Kitty (Included are goggles, white lab jacket and a Bunsen burner)

- Blow Jobs For Crack Kitty

Like any art, I have achieved when my audience feels something. In regards to my Kitty Porn, my friend Pete confessed, "I fear that one day this cat is going to wake up and find a dead hooker in its litter box."

My response: The hooker picture is too hot for Facebook. I did, however, post it on Myspace.

Day 326 - Satan - Lactose Intolerant

2010-06-30T14:16:00.002-04:00

June 30th, 2010

My friend Claudia brought up a good point...what is Satan's last name?

When I received this question, I was in the rare mood of cleaning my boyfriend's brownstone and(since this is rarely my inclination) I felt it best to stick with my task. Through a telepathic seance, I got my handlers on it and (by using a graphic intensive PowerPoint presentation and interpretative dance) they provided me the answer to the Satan surname conundrum.

As it turns out, Satan was born "Angus 'Scooter' Cox-Grabs". His parents were Ohio dairy farmers and members of the Facebook group, "Fans of Hyphenated Names".

Childhood was a charmed time for Satan...the days were filled with udder squeezing and nighttime was when the Cox-Grab's indulged in Pictionary.

All seemed well until teeneagehood. It had always been the assumption that Satan would take over the family dairy business when his parents passed away(presumably in a freak accident at the county Fair's "jumping in a giant burlap sack" contest.) Well, he was starting to think his passion could lay with other possibilities: Being a customer service rep for Sprint, having an online recycled umbrella business or being a powerful, supernatural entity that is the personification of evil and the enemy of God and humankind.

His parents did not respond kindly to Satan's ambitions for a new life course not related to calcium. Right before they shunned him from their lives forever, they doused him with a bucket of spoiled goat milk. As a result, his skin turned into a fiery shade of red. Not his color. He was an autumn.

This primal abandonment was the catalyst for him to go in the direction of career choice # 3, being the allegory that represents a crisis of faith, individualism, free will, wisdom and enlightenment.

Using good business sense, he knew he'd not be taken seriously as a "rebeller" of God with the name "Angus 'Scooter' Cox-Grabs".

He went with Satan because fame and prestige is always attained by the world's most notable one namers... God. Moses. Bono.

Satan knew that his target audience had to be the souls that were already on a downward spiral and vulnerable, strip club clientele. Easy sell.

One night at Beavers Gentleman Club, Satan crossed paths with two weathered British lads. The dialogue went as follows:

Satan(To Mick J.)- Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

Mick J - Wanker.( Then this limber large lipped Brit went on stage and challenged Anastasia the stripper to a dancing like a chicken-off.)

Satan(To Keith R.) - Pleased to meet you (whoo whoo)
Hope you guessed my name, (whoo whoo) oh yeah (whoo whoo)

Keith R - Jesus Bloody Christ! If you tell me your name I'll give you a semi-synthetic opioid drug synthesized from morphine that's a derivative of the opium poppy.

Laughter, heavy drug use and a Satan theme song ensued.

Day 325 - Forgiveness? Overrated

2010-06-29T17:01:00.001-04:00

June 29th, 2010

Some not so breaking news: 2 nights ago at the BET awards, Chris Brown paid tribute to Michael Jackson by singing an (is this really happening) over the top emotional rendition of "Man in the Mirror". The "this moment is bigger than me" production was equipped with his cracked voice, bad soap opera acting crumble to the stage and wounded eyes of a puppy from a Sara McLaughlin "Cruelty to Animals" commercial.

Later in the show, the "agonized" 21 year old recording artist with that pesky felony assault case stemming from beating ex girlfriend, Rihanna, cries, "I let you all down before, but I won't do it again. I promise you."

Here's my struggle Chris Brown. Maybe psychologists, new age types named Star and Oprah would encourage me to find that place in my heart to forgive you. But...how can I say this...I don't wanna.

My intuition tells me that your spectacle was about saving your career. Not your soul.

But rest assured Chris Brown... my disappointed also lies with the people who will undoubtedly celebrate your resurrection. The entertainment industry scriptures makes it widely known that the process goes as follows: The public gets a high from a celebrity's rise to fame, wants to make love to a star's demise and then will have a divine outer body experience with the comeback.

(Maybe 1 exception. OJ Simpson. And I'm still not even 100% convinced that it's not possible that some spin will eventually label him a victim.)

So Chris, your handlers were successful in convincing you to tap into the public's biggest weakness,...forgiveness through covering the King of Pop's "Man in the Mirror". Ironic because (last year) Rihanna looked in the mirror and saw an unrecognizable face covered with bruises, scratches and swelling.

Chris's ascent back into the stratosphere of celebrities who have gotten the get out of jail free card for douchbaggery began with being forgiven by the highest of powers that sees the good in everyone...Jermain Jackson. The lesser than Jackson proudly supports the (I hit you because I love you) performer by saying,

- "People make mistakes, they need support, and he's a wonderful performer."

- "How can he learn from his mistakes if you don't give him the chance? He needs that. I support him a thousand per cent."

- "If Christ can forgive us all, we can look at Chris Brown,"

Jermain, that's big of you. Kind of. If I sing "Man in the Mirror" at a family reunion, will you forgive me for writing about colonics yesterday?

You will? You're such a softy.

Looking forward to your public sympathy for Adolph Hitler, Darth Vader, the 9/11 terrorists, Hans Gruber and the shark from Jaws.

Day 324 - Hooked on Colonics

2010-06-28T15:30:00.002-04:00

June 28th, 2010

I generally pride myself on being better than writing about those dark lowbrow dimensions of bathroom humor. Today(in the spirit of honesty and shame), I am not better than that.

You know when you wake up in the morning, roll over and ask your significant other, "What's up with colonics?" Happened this morning.

Warning: If you tend to fend away from (fecal) matters that are in no way related to sophistication and aren't comfortable with the process of dried up shi-at being removed from one's colon, stop reading now. Find blogs with safe topics. Like animated blue jays.

According to legitimate sources, a colonic is an internal cleansing of the colon using a gentle and safe infusion of filtered water to remove toxic build-up.

Urban dictionary, the interweb's darling of passages describing the meaning of terms in a raw-like fashion reveals that a colonic is(seriously, step away from the screen if you can't handle the exaggeration of potty humor) the burning, uncontrollable flow of ass water and acidic shit that exits your colon while burning your asshole (aka: ass piss). A mixture of this ("ass piss") and bowl water may also back splash onto your cheeks...this usually depends on the force of the colonic and consistency of the("ass piss".)

Don't judge me. I dared to leap out of my comfort zone by tapping into colon irrigation. I won't judge you. If you're constipated.

THEY say that the benefits of a colonic include an increased sense of well-being and renewed vitality, illness prevention and improved digestion. THEY also tell us that the procedure is a hyped up myth that removes that "good" bacteria. I generally feel that one should never question the wisdom and findings of THEY...but this leaves me(and my colon) perplexed.

THEY did leave me hanging...but the next best source, tabloid magazines, did not. I peruse (but never buy) them in line at the grocery store and I became aware that Ben Affleck, Janet Jackson and Cindy Crawford visit the colonic center. So it might be time for colonic naysayers to consider the process of laying down, having a disposable speculum gently inserted into their back door and having a warm watered filtered cleaning. Bonus that a trained practitioner(presumably a large-ish Ukrainian woman) will be massaging your stomach to maximize the release of stored up waste.

Still not convinced? Let's keep it simple y'all. Come on. Celebrities do it. And you know who are awesome? Celebrities. And unicorns.

Day 323 - Low Sperm Count On Public Transportation

2010-06-27T15:47:00.002-04:00

June 27th, 2010

Today's blog is being conceptualized on a bus as I return to New York from East Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania where I was teaching my "Humor For Health" comedy improv workshop at Deerfield Spa and Resort. Go there. You will be pampered and loved. I mean, If you're into that thing.

I'm riding a Greyhound-esque bus line called Martz Trailways. I think you'll find their mission statement soothing:

"It is the mission of the Martz Group to provide safe, reliable, courteous transportation service at an affordable price."

I'd like to give a shout out to the noblest of heroes in the world of transporting passengers from one(in desperate need of renovation) bus station to the next. The bus driver. The forgotten heroes in this world where lauded careers start at fireman and end at 7-Eleven cashier.

It's time for these self-sacrificing transporters(who drop off AND...get this.. PICK UP passengers in a large long bodied vehicle) to have sexy adjectives attached to their service: Noble...illustrious warriors... legendary figures of divine descent endowed with great strength and ability.

A large portion of my intense interest in these captains of heavy machinery is that I am quite cognizant that I have notable strengths... and being a bus driver would not be one of them.

And...here's why:

- I'm certain that a short sleeve button down, tie and name tag would not be figure flattering.

- I'm social. Very social. And prone to distraction. I'd want to shoot the shi-at with my passengers and rely on my inflatable autopilot to take the wheel to stay the course.

- I'd see a male and female passenger sitting next to each other. They're strangers. I'd touch both of their heads and say, "Even though you've made that unspoken pact that you have little to no interest in having an inane conversation...I feel a connection between you two. Grab a latte when we arrive in Bumblefuck.Go to a cheap motel(with hourly rates.) Then return to your spouses."

- When an inconsiderate passenger has an obnoxiously audible cell phone conversation, I would grab the phone, throw it out the window and run down the aisle with my hands out expecting to be high-fived by the other passengers. They'd leave me hanging.

- I'd conduct the passengers in singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight". In a round.
The left side sings: Ee-e-e-um-um-a-weh, ee-e-e-um-um-a-weh wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh...
While the right side belts: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight...

- I'd let intuition be my guide as I'd stroll down the aisle and point to the men that I suspect have a low sperm count.

- I'd ask people to raise their hands if they're a white supremacist.

- I'd take a urine sample from everyone, pull over to the side of the highway and have a lemonade stand.

Day 322 - Trust me, I Have a URL

2010-06-26T19:37:00.007-04:00

June 26th, 2010

I'm not proud to admit that my website, www.jacquelinekabat.com, hasn't been updated in over a year. I bartered with a former student of mine. He created my site and I provided him free improv classes. Over the last four years, he's been kind enough to make updates for me... but alas... he simply doesn't have the time(or interest) any longer(something about him having a life...and a wife.) Understood.

I'm having some angst about my website being revamped-negative for a few reasons:

1) My bio and workshop info needs updating.
2) My pictures could be more current.
3) And it kills me that the following sentence still lingers on my site(in regards to my corporate and "Humor for Health" workshops): "I know what it takes to deliver an experience that is low on stress and high on fun." I cringe at the literary content of the exaggeration of that lamely executed claim(even if it is true.) Who was writing my copy in 2006? I was? I am ashamed. Hold me. Never let me go.

I'm in the process of brainstorming some changes I'd like to see on my website.

1) My bio will now include that I won the biggest trophy on the Starmount Country Club swim team when I was seven (for having the best attitude), my dreams are in high definition and I'm prone to bladder infections.

2) New pictures for you to look forward to. You'll see photos of me:
- In a unitard ...at a unitard convention.
- With a boa constrictor wrapped around my throat at an Olive Garden in South America.
- Wearing a "smart" gap khaki woman's blazer. A stylish wardrobe staple that's lean, tailored, and above all, flattering. A real classic.

3) On my site, I plan to include the following guarantees:
- You can trust me...because I have a URL.
- Should you decide to take a workshop with me, I promise to memorize your credit card number (along with your mother's maiden name and the 3 numbers on the back.)
-And rest assured y'all.... "I know what it takes to deliver an experience that is low on stress and high on rubber cement."

Day 321 - Nonchalant Observer -Installment #10– Deerfield Spa

2010-06-25T21:39:00.004-04:00

June 25th, 2010

Today is my 9th installment of my “Nonchalant Observer” series. On day 22, I observed (judged) what crossed my path as I sat with my coffee on my Brooklyn stoop. On day 38, I took you with me to the happenings of beach life in the surfing town of Hermosa Beach, California. On day 112, we crossed the age gap and hit a retirement community. During happy hour. You came with me to my father and stepmother’s house for brunch in Westchester, New York on day 141 and you joined me as I was being shot in a piece for Current TV on day 205. On Day 210, you were part of my Grandma Harriet’s 90th birthday celebration in Charlotte, North Carolina. Day 263 was when I stood like a hooker with Marc Jacobs sunglasses and observed the environment on the corner of 49th and Madison in Manhattan. An excursion to Six Flags Great Adventure was our journey on day 284. Most recently, on day 305, we sauntered to where the beach is wide and the sand is soft, Sullivan's Island, South Carolina.

Today I write to you from a Victorian porch at Deerfield Spa, a mountain retreat situated on 12 acres in Pennsylvania's Pocono Mountains. I was asked to teach my comedy improv "Humor for Health" workshop at this resort who's guests come for several days to relax, eat all healthy-like, exercise and get pampered with a variety of spa services. There is a happy ending. No. Not that kind. Perv. The final result for a typical spa-goer is leaving with a peaceful sense of contentment in matters related to mind, body and spirit. My friend Katy is joining me for this weekend of "work" and now, join me if you will, as I segue into what I have nonchalantly observed.

9:19 - The morning started off in Brooklyn and I stood on the corner of Clinton and Degraw(like a street walker with a backpack filled with yoga pants, bikinis and jeer), met my friend Katy and took the subway to Port Authority to catch our bus.

10:02 - We arrived at Port Authority. Imagine living in a beehive, being the pieces shaken up in a Boggle game or living in the psychedelic corners Jim of Carrey's head. Being encapsulated in Port Authority is worse. The maniacal carnival subsided when we headed down to the dungeon to board the Martz bus, a "lesser than" Greyhound that gave me a flashback to a junior high field trip to go see a community theater production of O'Henry's "The Gift of the Magi". The watch...the combs...great love story.

11:13 - During the 1 1/2 bus ride, Katy and I entertained ourselves with the sophisticated reading material that she brought along: "The New York Post"("The Onion"...without the humor) and an "Us Weekly" (looks like Megan Fox has had some plastic surgery. I also hear that she has some deformed mangled thumb. At least she seems nice. Oh, she's not? My bad.)

11:45 - We got off at our bus stop in Random, Small Town Pennsylvania. During the 10 minute cab ride to the spa, I saw 3 baby ponies. BABY PONIES! If that does not touch you in the heart area....you are dead inside. Still feel nothing? Come on...it's not like I said, "I saw 3 baby ponies...and they were delicious."

12:34 - We arrive at Deerfield and are graciously greeted by the peppy owner and filled out our paperwork. For "emergency contact", we were tempted to put our neighborhood friend, Paul Hale. He's the very much loved and reliable nucleus of our friends in Brooklyn( and would most likely play Bosley in "Charlie''s Angels".) I am absolutely confident that Paul would be here in an instant if Katy and I were to get into a freak Swedish massage accident.

1:11 - We go to the dining hall for a late lunch. My side salad had flair, a rose petal.

2:01 - Most of the guests here are women but there are some males on staff who are delightful to look at. I have a boyfriend...but for Katy's sake....I hope they are naughty pool boys.

2:30 - Water Aerobics. In a bikini. Not recommended.

3:18 - The spa does not serve alcohol and only offers coffee in the morning. As I'm laying by the pool, I see a sprightly young woman drinking an ice coffee. she brought a coffee maker and was dealing the hard stuff from her room. We made an exchange.

4:45 - I started writing my blog on a rocking chair on the porch. If there was a banjo within arms reach, I would have played it and challenged a stranger about to get reflexology to a duel.

6:32 - For dinner, I ate orange roughy and thought back to a nice guy I dated my freshman year in high school, Ruffie. In driver's ed, my friend handed me a cut out of a fish. In a condom. This was the same person who had passed me a note a few years earlier, in 7th grade, with the claw from the crawfish that she had dissected that day. Bless her heart.

8:45 - I taught a comedy improv workshop to an incredibly open minded, spirited and kind group of people. I love what I do. I do what I love. I can't believe I get paid for this shit.

Day 320 - Ritalin + Nasal Passages

2010-06-24T15:44:00.001-04:00

Day 320 - Ritalin + Nasal Passages

June 24th, 2010

For my entries on day 292 and day 303("Be the Man Your Mom Is" and "Turducken Killed the Meat Making Star"), I perused my virtual network's Facebook status updates and mentioned the ones that reached me the most in the heart area. I declare today, day 320 of my 365 day blog entry challenge, part three of dissecting the updates that I found most inspiring. Touching. Perplexing.

Today's picks:

Facebook Update: Margarita's make me smile. :) <-----see (that's me)

Jax's Thoughts: Margarita's make me smile too. Emoticons...not so much. If a smiley emoticon and a frowning emoticon were to breed...I assume the result would be a neutral expression. That's the best I got. Emoticons are dicks.

Facebook Update - I should probably be on Ritalin.

Jax's Thoughts: I've only had one run in with this psycho-stimulant drug. College. Senior year. For a radio production class, we had a group assignment to produce a radio show based on a fairy tale of our choice. We brainstormed this assignment in my apartment and a classmate (with an uncanny resemblance to the lovechild of Ichabod Crane and Mr. Burns) suggested that we do a line of Ritalin. While he was crushing the white tablet for snorting capabilities, I convinced myself to participate by telling myself, "Succumbing to peer pressure really is just a special way of letting enablers know that you appreciate their willingness to assist your life going in a downward spiral." Although this incident was isolated, it did inspire a final result that I recall fondly: "Little Red. Rider in The Hood". Our modern day creation involved Little Red acting as a drug liaison between mom and grandma. Then I vacuumed for three hours.

Facebook Update: Happy Gay Pride!

Jax's Thoughts: And a Happy Straight Shame!

Facebook Update: Ah ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY GERMANY!!!!!!!

Jax's Thoughts: OK to say at the World Cup in 2010. Not well received when screamed in Europe in 1945.

Facebook Update: I am disgusted and appalled at many so called "friends" around me. Apparently, even when facts and stories are untrue, info is not shared by all nor revealed to those of that focus, but used against one to cause rifts. Trust is such a dirty word... And not in my top ten right now.

Jax's Thoughts - I like kittens. Especially Persians.

Day 319 - So It Turns Out...We're All Pervs

2010-06-23T18:10:00.001-04:00

June 23rd, 2010

A few years ago a nutritionist gave me the following instructions for roasting kale:

- Preheat oven to 415 degrees
- Wash the leaves
- Add a hint of kosher salt and lemon
- While the kale is roasting (for 15-20 minutes)...go masturbate
- Return to kitchen, remove kale and enjoy!

This caught my (short)attention(span) because the act of self love seemed like quite a provocative cooking tip.

(Side note: It turns out roasted kale is remarkably delicious. Tastes like potato chips. You're right...it was an unexpected carnival in my mouth. Oh you.)

So back to sex. Because it always comes back to sex. The attention whore of all attention whores.

I mention this because as my 365 day blog entry challenge seems to be nearing an end, I've been reviewing entries past to see some common threads and themes that I've offered up to the blogasphere and I'm making note of where my readers provided some(well appreciated) responses.

Upon my review, it seems as if my blogs that inspired you to take a moment out of your busy day( being at work or on the phone waiting to speak to a "live" employment representative) were often under a sexual umbrella. Cases in point: Like Michelangelo's fresco on the Sistine Chapel ceiling, you reached out your virtual hand to me(via Facebook and Blogspot comments) when I told you what is required to see my boobs, when we explored the phenomena of penis panic and when we met the STD's at a dive bar called The Itch. Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burnin' for You” was playing.

Below are some sexed up blogs from the past year that have made me as the writer and you as the reader feel. Things. MPQs included (Memorable Perv Quotes)

Day 5- Unintentional Cleavage
http://www.blogger.com/posts.g?blogID=6794862226216156952&searchType=ALL&page=1
MPQ - "Tits are Powerful."

Day 12 - Wax-achment
http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=6794862226216156952&postID=7472651505787185747
MPQ - "Like choosing a love making partner, we have a type. Plain and simple.I personally prefer the waxing stylings of the Russians to that of the Asians. One of them has hair and the other doesn’t. Know your customer. It’s why I go to a woman gynecologist."

Day 35 - Penis
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-35-penis.html
MPQ - "God DAMN! I LOVE HAVING A PENIS!!!

Day 60 - "Makin' Whoopee!"
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-60-makin-whoopee.html
MPQ - "Host Bob Eubanks: Where was the strangest place you've ever made whoopee?
Very Candid Male Contestant: That'd be the butt, Bob."

Day 70 - 69
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-70-69.html
MPQ - "Words or phrases that Jax’s blog readers think sound dirty..but are not: "Fallacious, ramrod, angina, May I push your stool in for you? Lick my Man Bag, camel toe, mukluk, ball-peen hammer, Doggie Style Grooming Salon, Bangkok, moist, tempus fugits, duty, titmouse, crotchety, ballcock, rectory, kumquat, manhandle, a pair of tickets halfway up the end zone, discharge, bagina, Come Soon( Chinese restaurant in Israel), phucket and Dick Butkus.'"

Day 148 - The Tension of the Sexual
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-148-tension-of-sexual.html
MPQ - " I have a friend who is a chronic masturbator"

Day 203 – Penis Panic
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-203-penis-panic.html
MPQ -"PENIS PANIC - Sufferers become convinced that their genitals are disappearing into their bodies. It can be contagious and “penis panic” swept through Singapore in 1967 and thousands of men became convinced that their penises were being stolen."

Day 217 - Chuck Norris-exual
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-217-chuck-norris-exual.html
MPQ - "Yanniexual – We are most attracted to this pianist, keyboardist and composer. If Yanni were to shave his moustache, our attraction immediately dissipates and we become Tom Selleckexual."

Day 228 - Women. Mud Wrestling. Ziti
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-228-women-mud-wrestling-ziti.html
MPQ - "So anyways. I’d love to have a threesome with you…but I’m not sure if my boyfriend would be into it because no guys fantasize about being with two women."

Day 231 - DILF. The New MILF
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-231-dilf-new-milf.html
MPQ - "Married women who have procreated, WARNING: DILF(Dads I'd Like to Fuck) hunters are living amongst you. Your baby has become the 'in' accessory that is becoming more appealing than your husband's nice ass, unavailability and big…paycheck."

Day 246 – STD Happy Hour
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-246-std-happy-hour.html
MPQ:
Gonorrhea –. Remind me, why can’t Syphilis and Herpes make it?

Chlamydia – Herpes got a gig with Eliot Spitzer and Syphilis went to England to research his ancestry.

Gonorrhea - That’s right! His roots go back to Henry VIII.

Chlamydia – And Christopher Columbus…

Gonorrhea - Syphilis is old school. We’re lucky to know him.

Day 260 – Contraceptives Have Feelings Too
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-260-contraceptives-have-feelings.html
MPQ - Condom – "It’s true. Seniors are fucking like bunnies. I’m there to support them, but they seldom employ me. Their time is limited so contracting an STD is actually appealing. At 95, its way more respected to die of syphilis than heart disease."

Day 271 - Bra Savants
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-271-bra-savants.html
MPQ - "Here's the thing...when purchasing bras, any inkling of modesty goes out the window. I was in no way, shape or form(fitting) bashful that a stranger was rather intimately lifting and separating my boobs. While I was being molested, I became disappointed that her hands were occupied because she earned herself a high five for her strong aptitude for arranging the mystical world of mammary glands."

Day 318 - I'll Show You My Boobs If....
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/06/day-318-ill-show-you-my-boobs-if.html
MPQ: "I'll show you my boobs if you can explain to me why Wolf Blitzer looks like a wolf."

See a common thread?

This we know is true:
- I like writing the(dare I say sexier?) blogs that I mentioned above.
- You like reading them.
- I'm a pervert. My readers are perverts. My nutritionist is a pervert.

So the question arises as to how we approach these remaining 41 day in order for all of us to get the most out of this year. Where to go? What? You think I shouldn't be over thinking and roast some kale? Ohhh...you want to roast my kale?

You're incorrigible. And a perv.

Day 318 - I'll Show You My Boobs If....

2010-06-22T13:37:00.001-04:00

June 22nd, 2010

Yesterday I asked a random man to reattach my bike chain. He responded to my damsel in distress conundrum and it renewed my faith in the giving nature of humanity and the significance of wearing short shorts and no bra.

Oh men and your predicable weakness for female parts.

I asked my friend Erik if he was a leg man, breast man or ass man. Without missing a beat, he responds with(in his endearingly gruff Long Island accent), "I'm a vagina man."

A flash back. If you will. Let's revisit a few quotes from the infancy stage of my blog on Day 5, "Unintentional Cleavage"(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-unintentional-cleavage.html).

"I realized that a little subtle cleave made my life start working for me rather than against me. I got a free coffee, a guy gave me his seat on the subway and my neighborhood scaffolding guy asked for my phone number because I looked “smart.”

"I’m always up for a little self esteem booster. And of course winter will come and I will have to pay for coffee again. But for now my "sexy enough" tanks stays on... in the name of social experimentation."

"Tits are powerful"

I'm cognizant that there will be a time when my ladies will not attract the attention of testosterone driven men. But you know who's willing to take advantage of what seems to be making my life easier? This one.

So here's the lowdown. I'll show you my boobs if...

- You finance my business endeavor: Baby Doo Rags. For Babies. In Baby Gangs.

- You can explain to me why Wolf Blitzer looks like a wolf.

- You can make Kanye West go away. This means you would have to "know people".

- You show me the faces of the obese people on the news(in the stock footage) that only are shown from the waste down.

- You finagle a way for me to play on monkey bars. With terrorists.

- You get me tickets for a Zamfir concert. He is...the master...of the pan flute.

- You can eliminate nonsensical subway changes on the weekends.

- You take the pictures of the Russian hookers on Myspace. They tend to take their own (close up pouty lipped) photographs. This implicates that they have no friends. This makes me sad.

- You buy me a pony.

- You're able to coordinate a meeting for me with Jesus, Moses and/or Dr. Phil. I have some questions.

Care to step up to the plate for a boob viewing? I'm counting on you. My boobs are counting on you.

* This blog has not been approved by my parents, my boyfriend or my ethics.

Day 317 - Ask Jax - Part 18

2010-06-21T17:21:00.002-04:00

June 21st, 2010

This is the 18th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

If British singers can sing without a British accent, why can't they TALK without a British accent? Claudia Mizrahi - Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer: Your inquiry stumped my (limited) wisdom so I went directly to a credible source...English singer-songwriter, Elton John. We met for high tea and he insisted that he'd only speak to me if I wore his duck suit. I did. Not flattering. In the hip area. As he dipped his crumpet into Earl Grey( FYI, crumpet is code for a body part and we were joined by his special friend, Early Grey), he revealed, "If Madonna took our accent, we're going to take her singing voice. Please note that we're not interested in her passion for Kabbalah, freakishly muscular arms and STD's. Oh yeah. Her teeth...we'd like those too. Impressive dental work...not our strength."

What is going on in Trueblood? I am confused - Ruth Kabat Thomas - New York, New York

Jax's answer: Does it really matter? They're still hot. And getting naked. Come on Ruth.

Why don't you have your own TV show or column when there are so many untalented hacks out there that do? - Lance Hoffman, Forrest Hills, New York

Jax's answer: 3 possibilities:
- My subconscious fear of success
- My fear of zombies
- My fear of the success of zombies

Why are cats such assholes? Susanna Hegner, New York, New York

You'd be an asshole too if you were subject to a traumatic humiliating demotion. Imagine living in ancient Egypt and being considered an esteemed, aristocratic and sacred mammal. Cut to current day where you're eating second rate generic Tender Viddles, being "entertained" by yarn and cleaning your ass with your tongue. The only relief you get is when your feline dealer gets you the nip. According to the cat blogs(and adding insult to injury), it seems as if there is a group of skin head canines that want to wipe out the entire feline race. The first step in this genocide is weeding them out by breeding them with poodles One word: Pussydoodle.

Day 316 - Cry Me a Joan Rivers

2010-06-20T19:08:00.000-04:00

June 20th, 2010

Last night I saw a "A Piece of Work", a documentary on the life and career of Joan Rivers. Regardless of one's interpretation and experience of this brash, loud and surgical disaster of a comedienne, it can't be refuted that she's an icon fighting to keep her career alive in a business driven by youth and beauty. Very few people can make a 9/11 joke land. She did...and going "there" is the crème de la crème of taboo in the comedy world. Closely followed by jokes about rape and premises that start with, "You have a Priest and a Rabbi..."

The film reminds the naysayers(and the sayers) that this 76 year old workhorse is a smart businesswoman, a survivor of heartbreaking tragedy(her husband, Edgar Rosenberg, committed suicide in 1994) and humanely vulnerable(as an 8th layer of foundation was being applied) Rivers admits "No man ever told me I was beautiful.") That doesn't make you feel heavyhearted? Do you hate puppies too? I thought so.

I'm cognizant that people are committed to disliking her...but I'm a softy and find her to be a remarkable talent.

The film makes it clear that Rivers got paid to be the recipient of the ego deflating, outlandish and mean spirited remarks from her colleagues in last year's Comedy Central roast. Indeed, she has made a career out of stripping the honor of her celebrity peers, but my PMS steered my emotions to that place that makes me feel sad in the heart area .

I bypassed that mask of a face and saw a hint of pain in her eyes as she endured the following:

Kathy Griffin: When Joan was born, the doctors took a look at her and said, "Holy shit, we're gonna make a fortune on this one!" Then they got on the Mayflower and set sail for America.

Brad Garrett: Joan's face has been on more red carpets than an Irish lesbian!

Whitney Cummings: Joan, I loved you in The Wrestler. Man, look at Joan; I always wanted to know what Ivana Trump would like if she was dating Chris Brown.

Right when I wanted to put an abrupt end to the brutal madness, the universe was in order again as Joan's rebuttal reminded the comic attackers( 1/3rd her age) that she is the legend that inspired their brash style of comedy that gave them careers. Oh what a tangled web we weave. She tells Tom Arnold, "You were in Betty Ford more times than Gerald was."

I know it's seen as a great honor to be roasted, but I'd rather stick with my original plan...telling myself negative things about myself.

So Joan, I will salute you... until you decide to attack me personally. I'm too insecure to even attend one of these Comedy Central events. This was decided at Jerry Stiller's roast when comedian Jeff Ross surveys the audience and announces, "I wouldn't fuck Sandra Bernhardt with Bea Arthur's dick."

I'm a sensitive flower.

Day 315: American Girl. A Prepubescent Cult

2010-06-19T17:39:00.013-04:00

June 19th, 2010

I had heard about it. But today I lived it. Hard. I joined my cousin and her two little girls visiting from North Carolina at the American Girl Store in Manhattan(equipped with a doll diner and doll hair salon.) The manic enthusiasm that encompasses a child upon entering this mystical heaven of dolls, books and accessories based on pre-teen girl characters makes the teenage reaction to the Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show seem mild.

My little cousins weren't forthcoming when I inquired about the following.

Jax: Lila, why do you love American Girl?

Lila:(Shy giggle) I don't know.

Jax: Joanna, why do you love American Girl?

Joanna: I don't know! (Then she threw her arms in the air. Sassy.)

They weren't going to reveal the mystique so I had to do my own research to make sense of this doll girl love. Stat.

First I met Felicity Merriman, the "red-headed, horse-loving colonial girl in Williamsburg, Virginia, who is caught between Patriot and Loyalist family and friends at the onset of the American Revolution." My thoughts: No powdered wig. Not interested.

I sauntered over to the shelf where Julie Albright resided. She grew up in San Francisco, California during the mid-1970s and almost near the end of the Vietnam War. When I asked her for some LSD, she told me she gave her last dose to a chubby 6 year old having a temper tantrum. Julie was no use to me. Next.

Rebecca Rubin, the nine-year-old Jewish girl doll, was my next stop. She's of Russian descent and lives on the Lower East Side of New York City. Rebecca is fascinated by the film industry and aspires to work in the arts. I felt like Rebecca and I had a lot of similarities and I asked her, "Will you be my American Girl?" She took it quite literally and replied, "Only if you let me wear flannel, cut my hair into a mullet and let me drive a truck." Interesting. I hadn't seen a gay doll since My Buddy. The doll. For boys.

Thrown off by this last encounter, I headed to the information desk, took a deep relaxation breath and read a pamphlet that informed me that there is a line of "Just Like You" dolls. "Each doll has a different combination of face mold; skin tone; eye color; and hair color, length and/or style. American Girl states that this variety allows customers to choose dolls that 'represent the individuality and diversity of today's American girls.'"

My entrepreneurial spirit has kicked in and little girls can expect the Jax Doll to hit shelves in Summer 2011. Yes naysayers, she will be the only figurine that is past puberty(way past puberty)... but rest assured that the Jax Doll will inspire little girls to highlight their hair, choose a career with little to no security and drive home the importance of fiber.

Dirty martinis and attempts at wit sold separately.

Day 314 - Goodbye Delightful White Powder

2010-06-18T13:25:00.002-04:00

June 18th, 2010

As of this morning, I've learned that I have a higher than normal sterol, C 27 H 46 O, that occurs in all animal tissues, esp. in the brain, spinal cord, and adipose tissue, functioning chiefly as a protective agent in the skin and myelin sheaths of nerve cells, a detoxifier in the bloodstream. Or if you aren't versed in science jibber jabber....cholesterol.

This came as an unwelcome surprise to me as I've always had award winning cholesterol. In fact, the dialogue would go like so:

Doctor: Jacqueline: Your cholesterol levels are near perfect. Keep up the good work.

Jax: I'm awesome
(Then I try to high five her...and be left hanging.)

I blame my elevated C 27 H 46 O on getting blood work done the day after eating like an obese American(from a Midwestern red state) after devouring savory(yet not doctor recommended) cuisine after a week in South Carolina. The debauchery included a fried cornucopia of fried chicken, fried okra and fried kitten(the last one's a lie..it was a fully grown cat.)

Note to readers: Also, getting weighed after a week in the southern United States can be devastating to the ego.

After I received the news that I would have to return my cholesterol ribbons, trophies and tiaras, I walked down to the East River to reflect on my fall from grace. Or this deep pondering occurred when I was applying a deep penetrating conditioner in the shower. I can't remember. I'm a broken woman.

I've never really understood what cholesterol is exactly and truth be told, I don't want to know much about anyone or anything that wants to destroy me..

Now I have to add the big C to the below growing list of things that I find confusing:

- Nuclear fission vs Nuclear fusion

- Female Viagra

- Dogs in strollers and kids on leashes

- The appeal of "Glee"

- Vitamin Coke

All I am certain of is that my days of snorting salt in night clubs and licking it off icy streets has come to an end.

However, what hurts me in the heart area the most will be when the following dialogue occurs:

You: Jax, wanna come with me to see Salt-N-Pepa, the American hip hop trio from Queens, New York, that came onto the music scene in 1985?

Jax: Nothing would give me more joy, You. But my blood work has just informed me that I can only see Pepa...only...Pepa.

Day 313 - The Continued Adventures of Biker Dick. The Rumble

2010-06-17T16:09:00.004-04:00

June 17th, 2010

On day 285, in my entry entitled "Biker Dick. And Proud"( http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-285-biker-dick-and-proud.html), I admitted that my new adventures on two wheels has turned me into something that I once fervently disdained, a biker dick.

Here's why:

- I rode facing traffic in order to make eye contact with drivers and shoot them the finger.

- I weaved in and out of the streets to prove that I was agile, flexible and shitfaced.

- I rode into an intersection without obeying a stop sign. I got off my bike, put my arms in the air and yelled to the drivers, "Not only are you hurting the environment, you're hurting Al Gore!"

- I made a point to ride on the sidewalk. Easier to kick the strollers.

- When it got dark, I didn't turn on my high power LED lights.This effectively told pedestrians and motorist that they look better in the dark.

My few weeks on my new mode of transportation(that screams...you know who's a bad ass? I am) has presented me opportunities to observe the subcategories of the paella of Biker Dicks. A sampling:

- Tri-blend V-neck Hipster Biker Dick

- Just Got back from St. Tropez Yuppie Biker Dick

- Has No Problem running Over Kittens Chinese Food Delivery Guy Biker Dick

- Out of Shape but Doesn't Know it Biker Dick

- You're Too Old to be Using Emoticons Texting Biker Dick

All forms of life have been plaguing pedestrians and drivers for quite some time. But what about each other? My (limited) experience tells me that there's an unspoken rivalry amongst theses subdivisions of bikers. Enough of the madness! It's time for it to be addressed...through a choreographed music video Biker Dick Rumble. Think Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video. But with more bikes.

The music video opens with the news of a fight circulating at a bike lane in an urban city. Biker Dicks start arriving on racing bikes, mountain bikes, recumbent bicycles, utility bikes and unicycles. The camera cuts to a scene of me lying on a bed, contemplating the senseless act of bike dickery. I leave the room upon hearing the commotion caused by the rival bikers.

Donning breathable spandex, X Bionic Ultra-Light Biking Socks and an olive branch, I dance/bike my way through the biker lanes towards the fight. Arriving at the scene, where a bike chain fight is taking place between the biker gang leaders, I break up the fight and launch into a dance routine. The video ends with synchronized mass choreography as all the bikers join me in the dance, agreeing that being a biker dick is senseless.

Then we all bike away. And act like dicks.

Day 312 - Kids, Sharing is Bad

2010-06-16T13:17:00.004-04:00

June 16th, 2010

I threw out the following question to you: When I was young my brother's "recorder" was passed down to me...with teeth marks. When else is sharing bad?

Spare a square? Stall to stall communications is frowned upon. - Brian Levy, Dallas, Texas

There was a Dixie cup commercial years back that greatly disturbed me...The mother said "I don't mind my kids sharing a toothbrush...but a cup? That's just unsanitary" - Pete Schwinge, Brooklyn, New York

Needles and profos - Ted Kim, Menlo Park/San Mateo/Purgatory, California

I shared bathes with my brother 'till he sent out a floater. - Clyde Henriques, Brooklyn, New York

Some other scenarios where I must express disapproval and opposition to the act of sharing:

- BP and any body of water should not share space. Even in a bathtub.

- Courtney Love should not share beauty tips.

- Sarah Palin should not share her opinions.

- Sexually promiscuous types should not share their genital warts.

- Joan Rivers should not share her plastic surgeon.

- Oprah should not share a couch with Tom cruise. She will be injured.

- Expectant mothers should not share their sonograms. On Facebook.

- Madonna need not share her British accent.

- Prisoners should not share soap.

All I plead is just use your discretion when you are bombarded with public service announcements that preach, "Sharing is Caring."

Often "Sharing is Overbearing." Unless I do it.

Day 311 - Summer, Something is Different About You. Have you Lost Weight?

2010-06-15T16:08:00.002-04:00

June 15th, 2010

On day 33 of my 365 day blog entry challenge, summer was coming to an end and I expressed my feelings in a letter to my favorite season in "Summer, Didn't We Almost Have it All?"

Let's revisit my written sentiment of vulnerability, passion and hormones:

Hey Summer. What’s up?

I write to you after the most unfortunate run in with Fall. Against my will the days are getting shorter, my skin is getting lighter and my bikini is now in storage. I know what I have to say might not seem appropriate as you are about to leave for Australia . Yes, I have known Fall just as long as I have known you sweet Summer…but my loyalty to Autumn seized the day he added more shitty sitcoms to the Must See TV line up, took my tan away and made me crave unreasonable amounts of carbs. Moreover, he took punitive action against me for bashing the movie Autumn in New York with Richard Gere and Winona Ryder. I am just a girl who simply can’t hold in her feelings any longer. You make me melt and I am deeply in love with you Summer. I know you have feelings for me too. I see how you cherish giving me a happier disposition and blonder hair. I often dream of us running through a golf course (hand in rays) filled with high-end grills, gladiolus and drinking teenagers. Yes, we come from different worlds. You’re a season and I have a heartbeat. You encourage promiscuous sex and I am more ethical when it comes to that. You’re prone to hurricanes and I have an opposable thumb. Let me say this to you my precious petunia. I have the resources to make Fall disappear. I have befriended Winter and let’s just say he owes me a favor. I have several good years left and you’ll be around indefinitely since Al Gore decided to fix that pesky global warming issue after he invented the internet. All I ask is that you allow me to pick you up and take you into the night and show you a love like you've never seen before.

XOXO

Jax

Just recently, I did receive a handwritten letter(that was scanned and emailed to me) from my season crush, Summer. I shall share it with you.

Dear Jax,

I apologize for the delayed response. As you know, I've been spreading my sunshine down under. I have thought of you often my dearest Jax and it is only fair that I be forthcoming about my life altering shift in consciousness that was the result of a threesome with Nicole Kidman and a Dingo.

I am proud to admit the following:

I - I drink Zima, the finest well liquors and white zinfandel out of a box.

II - Since I now run with the hipsters, I don't shower, tell anyone I have a trust fund and wear an ironic trucker hat.

III - I'm allergic to water.

IV - I only use roman numerals.

V - I tell people that I like the Grateful dead. But the only song I know is "Truckin'".

VI - I've learned that my father was half-Indian summer.

VII - I think OJ Simpson is innocent.

VIII - My new spiritual leader is an alien named Metarid. From the planet Yamnoin.

IX - I don't like gay people. Or homophobics.

X - I play the triangle. With a spork.

I hope that you can accept me as I am now because( as that ambiguously gay duo known as "Air Supply" once said) You're Every Woman in the World To Me.

Love,
New Summer

Day 310 - Ask Jax - Part 17

2010-06-14T17:27:00.001-04:00

June 14th, 2010

This is the 17th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

How is life like a bowl of cherries? - Where'd that saying come from? - Nat Sternbergh, Davis, California

Jax's answer - In 1931, Ray Hendersonm, Buddy G. DeSylva and Lew Brown wrote a song called "Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries". The lyrics below seem to imply that a bowl full of a pitted small, fleshy fruit indicates that life is carefree, pleasant and solid. Much like a rock.

"Life is just a bowl of cherries;
Don't make it serious;
Life's too mysterious.
You work, you save, you worry so,
But you can't take your dough when you go, go, go.
So keep repeating it's the berries;
The strongest oak must fall.
The sweet things in life
To you were just loaned,
So how can you lose what you've never owned?
Life is just a bowl of cherries"
So live and laugh at it all.

As for me, I find that life is more like a urine sample. It tells me if I'm pregnant, have a urinary tract infection or should go easy on the vitamins( as indicated by an "electric" yellow shade of urine.)

Why can't I have my cake and eat it too? - Roberta Scott, San Francisco, California

Jax's answer: You can Roberta. You can! Your slim physique affords you the luxury of indulging in an an array of delightful sweet baked goodness ( made with flour, sugar and yes, love.) If your inquiry came from someone who could stand to loose a few pounds...my answer would be, "A moment on the lips...an eternity on the hips."

What's the difference between flirting and being friendly? Elva V. Rojas - Houston, Texas

Jax's answer - Ask your genitals the same question when you're in a friendly or flirty conundrum. You'll have your answer.

If your apartment was suddenly "frozen" as it is right now, what would it say about you to archaeologists in the future? - Jarod Kearney, Staunton, Virginia

Jax's answer: Not much because an air conditioner malfunction would prevent the freeze. But if my apartment melted...I would imagine that it would be a mother of pearl colored gooey substance that tasted like marzipan.

Day 309 - The Hairy One. Not so Scary

2010-06-13T17:11:00.000-04:00

June 13th, 2010

I just learned a new word: Portmanteau, a word concocted by fusing two different words together into one.

Some examples:

Web + Log = Blog
Smoke + Fog = Smog
Jacqueline + Taxi = Jaxi

That's right. I'm a portmanteau! During my sophomore year in college, I came alarmingly close to being hit by a taxi. My friends were inspired to make a linguistic blend and combined Jacqueline and taxi. For several years, I was Jaxi. Shortly after I moved to New York, the Northeasterners took it upon themselves to shorten my nickname. Just how they roll. I've been Jax ever since.

I'm fortunate because I feel confident that my nickname suits me.

A large part of the population, however, that often gets shafted in the nickname arena are serial killers. Who makes up these unimaginative, uninspired and uninventive labels. Oh you don't say? The same person who names hurricanes after strippers. Makes sense.

Anyone who murders in bulk should no longer have the following overused words in their nickname: Ripper, Strangler or Midnight. The (I did not make them up) serial killers below were assigned nicknames that are just belittling to the art of murdering and (I'm ashamed to admit) made me Chortle(chuckle + snort.)

- The Hairy One - Hairy and a serial killer? Life has dealt this guy an unfortunate hand.

- The Shoe-Fetish Slayer - I heard "The Sex in the City" sequel is pretty horrendous. So did this guy.

- The Giggling Granny - This just doesn't scare me because it just sounds too adorable.

- Smelly Bob - Is it lacking in social refinement to not shower before serial killing?

- The Vampire of Dusseldorf - The word "Dusseldorf" makes me giggle.

- Killer from the Shadows - Really? That's the best you do? You're not even trying. Now I kinda want to kill you.

To whomever created these nicknames, your sterile talent just diminishes the fine reputation that a serial killer deserves. Shame on you.

You are a diche.

Douche + Dick

Day 308 - Mary Poppins Put Out

2010-06-12T13:11:00.004-04:00

June 12th, 2010

Oh world cup...you've resurfaced after your four year sabbatical. You just disappear. Like teardrops in the rain.

When the U.S. team faces England today, the famed 1950 upset over England will be on the minds of many. Perhaps a few other English disappointments will be triggered like that 1776 thing. And don't even get me started on The War of 1812.

The notorious rivalry between America(ranked 14th) and that country across the ocean(ranked 8th) continues today and I have some strategy tips for the American team so our country can continue to have the attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner with presumptuous claims and assumptions.

America, your best defense will be combining your soccer skills with British stereotypes. Generalizations and unverifiable content-matter renders a Brit powerless.

Strategy tips for America:

Center Forward:
To succeed, you will need to be aggressive, brave and offer the opposing team powdered wigs. The stunning elaborate design of curls and waves topped off with a dousing of white powder is sure to distract your English competitors. You also must be prepared to work hard without the ball, know how to dribble your opponents and be able to score goals while reading Harry Potter.

Center Fullback (or Stopper’s):
Your main task is to play offensively at intervals while screaming "splendid," "terribly," "cheerio," "what-ho," and "bloody." If the British verbiage is not proving to divert their attention, scream," Mary Poppins is a whore!"

Goalkeeper:
Your job is to defend your team against British emotional coldness. You are the designated player that is in charge of distracting English opponents with naked pictures of Elizabeth Hurley, Fergie Duchess of York...and (should their be an emergency situation)... Prince Charles. Surprisingly...greats abs.

Day 307 - We Salute You, Grandma Rae

2010-06-11T12:02:00.003-04:00

June 11th, 2010

As I've mentioned in my last few blog entries, my family has congregated on Sullivan's Island, South Carolina to celebrate my Grandma Rae's 90th birthday(my Grandma Harriet turned 90 in March. They're sticking around ...to keep an eye on me.)

As little Kabats, my brother and I would "summer" with our grandmother in Sumter, South Carolina, the southern town that's as big as it sounds. Our parents would drive us to meet my grandparents at a Burger King in Rockingham where my brother and I were passed off. We were a drug deal.

I was just having a General Mill's International Coffee moment with my brother on the porch of my mother's beach house and we were reminiscing about those weeks with Grandma and Grandpa in their (cliché of a cliché) small southern town.

A few reflections:

- Grandma always offered to scratch our backs. She had talent (minus a few times when she lost focus and would scratch “endearingly" too hard on the same area)...but otherwise...her ability was strong and I would drool.

- The smell - Grandma and Grandma's house had an odor. It wasn't unpleasant but it was...how you say... distinctive. To this day, should this essence enter my nasal passages... I'll hit the stranger closest to me and yell "It smells like Sumter!" They won't get it...or care. But you know whose heart will feel full? Mine.

- I was the youngest grandchild and my grandfather kept his toy store, Tiny Town, open until I was five years old. The grandiose awesomeness of having grandparents with a toy store can't be justified with words. I'll keep it simple. It was good.

- Grandma is a wonderful cook and always willing to think "outside the box" with some of her concoctions. Every morning we'd wake up to the most delightful breakfast array that would include her homemade cream cheese/cottage mix that spread easily and efficiently onto the nearest toasted edible. At lunch time (which was called dinner), we'd eat turkey and drink iced tea with (another grandma invention) ice tea cubes. In the evening, we'd eat "supper" which was always topped off with her signature dessert, Mandel bread (which looking back...is basically Jewish biscotti.)

- Our days were filled with swimming at her country club pool across the street, taking hour long baths in her giant whirlpool of a bathtub and getting presents from her friend Eileen Rubin...underwear and socks.

Having had the opportunity to have my Grandma as a pivotal part of my life for 35 years is not something I take lightly. We are all the sum of our experiences and I have no unpleasant memories of this women that I am certain might just be the kindest person in the world. Her gentle and soothing energy is like watching a sleeping baby...it's just calming.

So tonight is about this special woman whose parents were immigrants from the Austria-Hungary Empire, grew up in Ehrhardt, South Carolina, graduated high school at 15, went to Winthrop college, was a 1st grade teacher, is a MacGyver in the kitchen and has never said an unkind word about anyone.

Tonight we celebrate the woman who has always celebrated us.

This week, I had the opportunity to ask four generations of family what they think of...when they think of "Grandma Rae":

- Rae's Children

Ann - Sweetness, no judgment and love for her family

Ron - Her family focus has always been her mantra.

- Rae's Grandchildren:

Steven - The back scratching

Scott - Iced tea cubes, Mandel bread and back scratches

- Rae's Great Grandchildren:

Ethan (age 12) - She asks me the same questions 3 times. That means she's interested in me and so nice.

Emily (age 10) - She's so sweet and I'm always excited to see her
.
Eleanor (age 5) - I like when I'm on the phone with her and she tells me to go to the toy store to pick out a toy.

Lilly (age 4) - I like that she hugs me.

Jack (age 1) - I'm envious of Grandma Rae's mild disposition, pleasantness, tenderness and concern for others. I'd like to think I've gone through my 18 months of life with the same temperamental makeup. But for right now, I would just prefer to say 2 things...doggie and baby.

Day 306 - The Fighters of Evil Doing

2010-06-10T16:52:00.002-04:00

June 10th, 2010

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm at Sullivan's Island for my Grandmother's 90th birthday. Should you desire a birds-eye(or Jax-eye) view of this fairy tale part of the world, visit yesterday's blog entry, "Nonchalant Observer -Installment #9– Sullivan's Island".
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/06/day-305-nonchalant-observer-installment.html.

It's not even dusk and this day has offered a few opportunities to be surrounded by all types of fighters of evil doing.

Hanging with the fighters of evil doing scenario one:

My sister-in-law surprised my 4 year old niece with an assortment of munchkins from Dunkin' Donuts. Surprised and most delighted, the niece exhibited the purest of kid joy as she dove her head into the box. The visual was enhanced with her wearing a Supergirl costume. The scenario continued to write itself when my real life cop boyfriend sat next to her and started eating the box of "adult donuts." Supergirl insisted that police man put the entire donut in his mouth...like she did(then returned it to the box) and was flabbergasted when police man dunked his edible into his coffee.Too soon?

Law enforcement and superhero united by fried dough. It was beautiful. Real. And if the two figures of authority were to be in a summer blockbuster hit...I would watch it (with the hopes that it would turn into an ice show.)

Hanging with the fighters of evil doing scenario two:

My boyfriend and I drove the golf cart over to the Isle of Palms, the barrier island adjacent to Sullivan's Island. Although I used to go to the beach resort(Wild Dunes) at the end of the island as a child, I was not familiar with the lay of the land. We stopped and asked a police man for directions and I coerced my boyfriend to tell him that they made the same career choice. The (about to retire) Isle of Palms cop, Bobby, insisted that we exit our vehicle and get into his squad car....so he could give us a tour of the island. In the spirit of brotherhood. I guess. Good times were had. I sat in the back as the "2 authorities" from different worlds(1 from Brooklyn...1 from the "island") talked shop in the front. I discovered:

- I felt badass for having a new friend who can drive on the beach(even though he pointed out real estate that I can't afford.)
- As far as the local fireman, Bobby the cop is NOT a fan.
- There's a party with the precinct boys at the Windjammer tomorrow night. ..Bobby invited us. You should come too.

As of now, 4:45PM, I do not have a third hanging with the fighters of evil doing scenario. Before the day is done, I hope to develop a close personal bond with the security guy at the Gap. He'll find it endearing when I ask him if the khakis I have on are figure flattering. Cut to us whimsically skipping through the denim section with animated birds chirping in our ears.

Can't picture it? Wait for the ice show.

Day 305 - Nonchalant Observer -Installment #9– Sullivan's Island

2010-06-09T20:46:00.003-04:00

June 9th, 2010

Today is my 9th installment of my “Nonchalant Observer” series. On day 22, I observed (judged) what crossed my path as I sat with my coffee on my Brooklyn stoop. On day 38, I took you with me to the happenings of beach life in the surfing town of Hermosa Beach, California. On day 112, we crossed the age gap and hit a retirement community. During happy hour. You came with me to my father and stepmother’s house for brunch in Westchester, New York on day 141 and you joined me as I was being shot in a piece for Current TV on day 205. On Day 210, you were part of my Grandma Harriet’s 90th birthday celebration in Charlotte, North Carolina. Day 263 was when I stood like a hooker with Marc Jacobs sunglasses and observed the environment on the corner of 49th and Madison in Manhattan. An excursion to Six Flags Great Adventure was our journey on day 284.

I'm in Charleston, South Carolina for my Grandma Rae's 90th birthday. Just three months ago, my other grandmother celebrated this milestone. For some reason that I can't really explain(yet)...it almost seems serendipitous that both of my Grandmothers turn 90 during this year of my 365 day blog entry challenge. This birthday shindig is at my mother's beach house on Sullivan's Island in a few days. I've been coming to this divinely sunny beach since before I could swim. On day 114, I expressed that "Sullivan's Island is a 6 mile long private residential community located just north of Charleston. At low tide, the beach is wide and the sand is soft. It would seem like the perfect opportunity to discuss feminine products." Although we didn't speak women's hygiene...some notable happenings ensued...on the island...and I nonchalantly observed.

9:21 - I walked 1 block to the beach to meet my brother, his wife and two small children. Upon my arrival, I saw their deflated beach ball which had been mauled by a sassy golden retriever. Better the ball than the kids.

9:45 - My boyfriend(in the spirit of the Crocodile Hunter) went into the ocean and fearlessly picked up a beige algae-esque looking something with eggs on it's coils. We're still not 100 percent sure what it was...but I'm going with a seahorse. Or intestine.

10:21 - A Sullivan's Island "security vehicle" drove down the beach. My boyfriend is a cop so I suggested he go talk to them about brotherhood.

11:34 - We drove to lunch via a golf cart that my sister-in-law wanted to drive. It was her first time and she dated a golf pro for three years.

12:25 - We ate at Poe's, a tavern that celebrates the literary legend who lived on the island from 1827-1829. The restaurant was founded to "preserve the spirit of Edgar Allen Poe"... by serving kick ass burgers, fish tacos and bathrooms wallpapered with pages from his books.

1:25 - Across the street was an ice cream shop where my 4 year old niece got a ginormous strawberry sorbet that she said was "going to last forever!" It didn't.

3:00 - I wake up from an hour and a half nap because of the "high octane" activity from earlier in the day. Coming here from New York is reverse culture shock and you can't help but be overcome with fatigue. I never understood why intense relaxation is draining. But it is. And I like to nap. So everyone wins.

4:17 - My boyfriend and I went to explore the island(on the golf cart) and saw massive beach houses, strangers saying hello to us(with endearing southern enthusiasm) and we went to Fort Moultrie, a series of citadels on Sullivan's Island built to protect the city of Charleston. For a photograph, my special man asked me to straddle a cannon. I did not.

6:00 - We get back and my southern hospitable mom had bought a book on Sullivan's Island to give to my boyfriend. Just how she rolls. We'll quiz him later.

7:19 - I end today's entry as I'm off to eat BBQ and listen to bluegrass music. I just watched my four and five year old nieces eat hot dogs, dress up as princesses and make a replica of Fort Moultrie with ammunition, bunkers and Edgar Allen Poe books. That's a lie. I just saw the hot dog/princess part. I made the fort. Or dreamt about it.

Day 304 - Ask Jax - Part 16

2010-06-08T15:18:00.001-04:00

June 8th, 2010

This is the 16th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Why do I wake up every morning with my cat staring right at me very close to my face? Is she plotting something? - Rachel Koenig - New York, New York

Jax's Answer: When I was about seven years old, my cat, Catty(yes we named our cat...Catty), would be ready for a stare off when I would awaken. I just figured it was his way of trying to say, "Jax, I so enjoyed when you put me in a baby carriage with a bonnet on my cat head...then pushed me down the stairs. Can't wait to do it again today." What? You do the same thing with your cat? What's wrong with you? Come on.

I'd like to hear about FEAR. Amanda Brooke Lerner - New York, New York

Jax's Answer - On day 200, I wrote about some of my own efforts to push through my own challenges in , "Fear is a Dick" . A blurb: "I need to trust that security will follow soon. But it’s up to me to see it. To feel it. To create it. Fear is a real dick and I won’t let it into space, debilitate me and win. Then the terrorists win. Or something like that."Perhaps my own experiences are relatable. Here's the link to that entry: http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-200-fear-is-dick.html

What's an orphanage Aunt Jax - My 4 year old niece - San Francisco, California

Jax's answer - Go talk to my brother.

Why? Just Why? -Dana Lishs - New York, New York

Jax's Answer - Colonel Mustard (committed the murder in the billiard room with a candlestick) because he was constantly mocked for having a condiment as a last name. Plus, he never recovered from a dissatisfying threesome with Miss Scarlet and Professor Plum. 2 words: The Clap.

Day 303 - Turducken Killed the Meat Making Star

2010-06-07T23:05:00.002-04:00

June 7th, 2010

On day 292's entry, "Be the Man Your Mom Is", I perused my virtual network's facebook status updates and mentioned the ones that reached me the most in the heart area. I declare today, day 303 of my 365 day blog entry challenge, part two of dissecting the updates that I found most inspiring. Touching. Perplexing.

Today's picks:

"Goooooood Morning FB Fam! Today is going to be a gorgeous day! Get a great workout outdoors, treat yourself to a healthy lunch with some protien and leafy greens....complete with carrot juice....come on try it, it's not that bad! OK, I give you permission, have 2 cookies as a treat.......walk it off later! Peace and love!"
Jax's thoughts - Just reading this wears me out. It's safe to assume that this peppi-licious lady gets more done before 6:00am than I get done all day.

"Elton John is officially a soulless douchenozzle."
Jax's thoughts - Keith Richards agreed when he said Elton John can only write songs about dead blondes.

"Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"
Jax's thoughts - I did...but finished it when this slogan meant something to me 20 years ago. Come on.

"If they can make turkey taste like ham, how come they can't make ham taste like turkey?"
Jax's thoughts - After the creation of the turducken( turkey stuffed with a duck, which itself is stuffed with a chicken), they sent out a memo to all meat lovers that read, "Our work is done."

"I wish I could teach Yoga to Congress."
Jax's thoughts: 2 words: Downward Dogoff

"Thanks so much for all the birthday wishes."
Jax's thoughts - OK. Enough with this obligatory update. We get it. It's your birthday. People send well wishes. You're appreciative. Try writing this: "Thank you all for the birthday wishes and for those of you who failed to commemorate the anniversary of my birth...WTF? You know who are and yes, the call is coming from inside the house."

"'A Thousand Clowns' is still an awesome movie"
Jax's thoughts: As good as the prequel, "999 Mimes"?

Day 302 - Katy, Kabat and Kelsey

2010-06-06T17:03:00.003-04:00

June 6th, 2010

Last night, I met my (if I were a lesbian I would totally go for her) friend Katy for a cocktail before we took a voyage from Brooklyn to Broadway...to the theater( for the sake of this blog, please pronounce it with a haughty British accent as theee-tuhhh). We got dolled up and dare I say were the recipients of some lusty glances as we were walking to the (say it with me) theee-tuhhhh.

Side note: I fear that I sound cocky...but throw me a bone. I worked it last night with a hot dress. Rest assured, the rest of the year my self esteem is challenged.

Katy is the "bestest" hanger outer companion because we have identical heights and personalities(complete with boisterous hand gestures that will injure you should you get within five feet of us.) The difference: I'm the blond and she has the the short brunette bob cut with bangs. For Halloween, we were originally thinking we'd go as Lavern and Shirley. Now we're leaning towards the Sweeney Sisters.

Guys, as far as looks, she is your type. Or I am. This is how our "admirers " divvied up their attentions last eve.

Dominican teen - Katy
Obama supporter - Me
Midwest tourist dad - Katy
Awkward prepubescent boy - Me
Gay Man - Both of us

Katy and I arrived at the Shubert Broadway Theee-tuhhhh( ...now just beating a dead horse) to see Kelsey Grammer star in "La Cage Aux Folles", grabbed yet another alcoholic beverage and took our seats...in the third row... Katy used to work on "Frasier" so we got hooked up and treated like we were more important than we really were.

I loved the show and am obviously not alone with my assessment as the production has received 11 Tony Award Nominations. We were able to finagle the green light to go backstage and see Kelsey so Katy could reunite with her old co-worker. He even showed up to join us for a super fast bite at the bar next door. Admittedly, I was starstruck because I've always been overwhelmed by this guy's two-decade portrayal of psychiatrist Dr. Frasier Crane, the "lovably pompous" gentleman who enjoys fine wine, is well versed in the writing of Henry James(among other literary legends), and has an obscure interest in Mongolian throat singing. Plus, come on, Grammer provides the voice of Sideshow Bob. Enough said.

I did discover a few things about my new BFF, Kelsey:

- He's softer and more laid back than his television persona.
- He's evidently the nicest man. Katy told me he flew the entire cast and crew(200 people) of "Frasier" to his home in Maui. And they could bring guests.
- Not a fan of onions. He ordered a cucumber salad and sorted them out.

A pretty solid night. Afterward, we headed back to our local Brooklyn dive bar to meet up with my guy, our friends and more mixed drinks.

My ex was there. That was a little weird. Also a little weird when he told me he wasn't over his last two girlfriends. And dating a lesbian.

Sometimes our own lives should be performed on a Broadway stage...at the(say it from the heart...not the head)theee-tuhhhh.

Day 301 - Eau de Jax

2010-06-05T15:53:00.001-04:00

June 5th, 2010

Last night, my group of ladies met our guy friends at a new Brooklyn bar in Park Slope, The Rock Shop. On this 82 degree-ed humid eve, we perused up to the spaciously impressive roof deck and found our males all sitting with their legs on the benches. Straddled. I told them they looked like a commercial for balls. My friend Paul followed up with. "It smells like low tide."

The above scenario took my thought process to this place: The human species spritz themselves with perfumes and colognes with the hopes of diffusing a delightful fragrant odor. Sometimes flowery. Sometimes musky. Often alluring pheromones in a bottle.

Derek Zoolander agrees. With his cologne(and as a merman), he wistfully swims up to the screen and shares with the world that "Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty."

Fragrances have long been reliable parody inspirerers. SNL gave us Canis -" Cologne for Dogs" and Hey, You - "The perfume for one night stands."

These flower based(or synthetic) liquids have sparked my entrepreneurial spirit, After the success of my first 2 businesses, Baby Doo Rags. For Babies. In Baby Gangs AND Jax's Nail Saloon(where the mani/pedis are given by untrained drunk Korean women), I'd like to have my own perfume, Eau de Jax.

My product(soon to hit cheap drugstore shelves) is a story of seduction, intensity and bold sensuality that lies half-way between restraint and abandon. The bright feminine freshness combines sophistication and nonchalance for a deep, mysterious and sensual fragrance. A structure of contrasting forces.

It's also a mouthwash.

Day 300 - An Inconvenient Douche

2010-06-04T17:59:00.002-04:00

June 4th, 2010

Al and Tipper Gore have announced they are breaking up.

After the Nobel Peace prize laureate lost his grasp on that presidential job thingy, he gained strength with the success of his film that focused on his travels in support of his efforts to educate the public about the severity of the climate crisis, "An Inconvenient Truth". Clearly, AG has resurfaced from hitting rock bottom before. I've put in several (unreturned) phone calls to Al Gore urging him to use the same healing tool that was his saving grace after his last tragic loss: Make a movie...about being wronged by his soon to be former wife. I see this straight to video feature following him around as he tries to educate the world on the demise of his marriage from his high school sweetheart, wife of forty years and recipient of an impressive French kiss at the Democratic National Convention in August 2000. The title is a work in progress but so far my imaginary focus groups seems to resonate with: "Tipper Gore: An Inconvenient Douche".

Some highlights:

- Gore opens the film by greeting an audience with a joke: "I am Al Gore; I used to be the next President of the United States. And married". After the crowds laughs, Gore begins his slide show on his marital years; a comprehensive presentation with detailed graphs, flow charts that demonstrate Tipper's mood plummeting to the dark side when she was "flowing" and stark visuals which show his former wife wearing white after Labor Day, eating live goldfish and making out with Hilary Clinton in a strip mall parking lot in Duluth. Gore shows off several majestic photographs of himself saving kittens from trees. They're Persian.

- The former Vice President recalls a story from their high school years. He admits, "Tipper is evil and I should have seen the red flag when she was voted, 'Most likely to violate the most basic moral and ethical standards prescribed by a society, philosophy and religion'."

- Gore refers to his loss to George W. Bush in the 2000 United States presidential election as a "hard blow" yet subsequently "Tipper initiated the end to an active sex life. And all blows."

Smell Oscar? I do.

Even the staunchest global warming denier is sure to love this film and admit,"Gore had me on the edge of my seat being gripped by a haunting message. "Tipper Gore: An Inconvenient Douche" is not a story of despair but rather a rallying cry to protect the earth from Tipper. It's now clear that she is back on the market and that requires us to act boldly, quickly and wisely."

Even the staunchest global warming denier is sure to love this film and admit,"Gore had me on the edge of my seat being gripped by a haunting message. "Tipper Gore: An Inconvenient Douche" is not a story of despair but rather a rallying cry to protect the earth from Tipper. It's now clear that she is back on the market and that requires us to act boldly, quickly and wisely."

Day 299 - Geriatric Crush

2010-06-03T20:25:00.002-04:00

June 3rd, 2010

We're down to Betty White, the last surviving Golden Girl. Rue McClanahan has just joined Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty at the Del Boca Vista retirement community in the sky.

Whenever anyone asks me who my female comedy heroes are, my go to answers are Carol Burnett and Tracey Ullman. However, it's occurred to me (rather recently) that the Girls who are Golden somehow did invade my subconscious comedic wiring (presumably from watching the show during my awkwardly formative preteen years.) I take pause that I was magnetically drawn to a show with a premise of four aging women living together in Miami...and the shenanigans that ensue. But I got hooked and never have given proper reflection as to why this sitcom successfully captured the attention of a very short attention spanned prepubescent.

Here's why I found "The Golden Girls" to be solid. Much like a rock.

- The four leads were true pros and beloved despite an industry that is most unforgiving towards aging females.

- "The Golden Girls" became only the second TV show -- after "All in the Family" --to have an entirely Emmy-winning cast. Three words: No weak link. Three more words: A true ensemble.

- It takes remarkably strong writing and perfect delivery to warrant an audible laughter from me. I adhere to one day being able to create the following verbiage. It's just.....too good:

Blanche: You know what the worst part about getting older is?
Dorothy: Your face, Rose's hands?

Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

Sophia: You're Blanche's daughter, the model?
Rebecca: That's right.
Sophia: What did she model - car covers?

Sophia: Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got good sense, and you know what you're doing.
Rose: Oh, Sophia.
Sophia: Blanche, you're a slut.
Blanche: Oh, Sophia.

Rose: The laws in St. Olaf are very stringent. Their motto is 'Use a gun, go apologize.'

Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Better than anyone I know.

Goodbye masterful women of the one liners. My comedic flag is raised at half staff as I seek solace in knowing Betty White is still sharing her brilliance. I can't say anything that hasn't been gushed about this legend in the last few years....except that I have a crush on her. That's right. I have a geriatric girl crush on Betty White.

Day 298 - Rentable Clique

2010-06-02T14:03:00.001-04:00

June 2nd, 2010

I write to you from the basement of the Sag Harbor Public Library. It exhibits a similarity (in decor and odor) to1983. I'm craving a Tab.

I assume you're perplexed and we're about to venture into the following telepathic virtual dialogue:

You: But Jax! Don't be confined to a bibioteche when you're in a beautiful part of Long Island that (according to the Chamber of Commerce), " Offers an experience you will always remember."

Me: But You, I've committed to a 365 day blog entry challenge. I'm entering day 298 so I have to maintain endurance despite being (help me out Chamber of Commerce) nestled on the bay in the heart of the Hamptons in a 300 year old village that is supposed to enchant me with its centuries-old streets, pristine beaches, gracious accommodations, restaurants offering both locally-caught seafood and international fare, and unique shops with items from around the corner and around the world.

You: Sucks for you Jax. Come here. You look like you could use a hug.

While I grasp the nature of your concern, I'm at peace that I dedicate 2 to 3 hours a day to this year long project (regardless of my whereabouts.)

The reason for heading (as New Yorkers say) out east was to support a playwright friend whose play ("Dissonance") was opening at the Bay Street Theatre. Many of the productions that premier at this respected professional regional theatre move to Broadway and Off-Broadway.

My Brooklyn crew had one extra ticket and offered it up to a woman eating a hamburger alone at the bar we visited before curtain call. She was most grateful for our inclusive ways and joined us for drinks afterwards at Murph's Back Street Tavern. I liked her. A lot. And not just because I might have convinced her to take my Humor for Health & Self-Discovery workshop at The Omega Institute in July. http://eomega.org/omega/workshops/142f88fa876a0a79361da617418cefa3/

Yeah, so she was lovely. But you know who else was? We were. I run with an incredibly authentic,open minded and welcoming group of friends. My entrepreneurial spirit has suggested that it might be time to capitalize on what we do best. Make friends. Hang. Spread high-spirited fun, enjoyment and (dare I confess) hilarity.

We're offering up our notable services that will allow you the opportunity to hire us as friends. Some contracts will be signed prior to socializing(in a perceived sincere way) with riders that guarantee the following:

- We will laugh at your jokes. Yes, all of them. We're that good.
- Expect compliments like, "Those jeans make you look smart."
- We're known for our loving bear hugs(pats on the ass sold separately.)
- We promise to be upbeat, positive and are wired to smile(even though your political views are inane.)

In summation, my rentable clique wants you know "Whatever you decide or need, we are there for you." Until your paid upfront allotted time expires.

Day 297 - Ask Jax - Part 15

2010-06-01T17:39:00.001-04:00

June 1st, 2010

This is the 15th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Where should I go for a good mani/pedi? - Claudia Mizrahi, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer - I find it most serendipitous that you inquired to where you should have your fingers and toes beautified. My last venture ( Baby Doo Rags. For Babies. In Baby Gangs) has taken flight and I'm in the preproduction stage of having my own Nail Saloon. You read right... saloon. I've hired a team of Korean mani/pedi attendants who not only have a way with an emery board, but also are raging alcoholics. Rest assured, my disturbingly inebriated staff will tend to your callouses, cuticles and peace of mind. Who doesn't want a lush with a razor shaving the dry skin off their heals. Jax's Nail Saloon also offers a special "Spa Pedicure" which includes unlimited shots of Soju(a distilled beverage native to Korea), a refreshing foot soak in a luxurious rose petaled bath of sulfuric acid and a drunk, unlicensed and blindfolded specialist.

Why did YOU cross the road? Brian M. Levy - Dallas, Texas

Jax's answer - Whenever I cross any real(or metaphysical)road, it is safe to assume that I'm being seduced to the other side by some noun(people, place or thing) that has a high probability of wreaking havoc on my mind, body and spirit. If the street for which I speak is heavily trafficked, I develop a deep empathy for Frogger.

Should I fake my orgasms? - Jeremy Berk - Los Angeles, California

Jax's Answer - I'll answer your inquiry with the same response should I ever receive this question - Wouldn't it be awesome to be locked in a storage closet (4-6 feet wide, and 24" in depth) with an angry mime?

Day 296 - Memorial Day and Spicy Rubs

2010-05-31T13:54:00.003-04:00

May 31st, 2010

While avoiding writing today's blog entry, I was perusing Facebook only to find the majority of my virtual community posting status updates that read, Happy Memorial Day. Exclamation Point.

I have mixed feelings about revealing the following. But I will. Sigh...

1) I was not 100% certain as to the exact meaning of Memorial Day. Until last night.
2) Last night, I was at a party at a friend of a friend's apartment above a funeral parlor.
3) At the funeral parlor soiree, last night, a guy explained to me the details of this Memorial Day. He was Israeli.

I shall share my learnings:

You: Jax, tell me, what exactly is Memorial Day?

Me: Well You, Memorial Day, previously designated Decoration Day, is a Federal holiday that was inaugurated in 1868 by General John A. Logan for the purpose of decorating the graves of Civil War veterans. Over time, of course, the observance incorporated the dead of both sides, renamed Memorial Day and encompassed all of this country's fallen in subsequent wars.

You: Thanks Jax. You really taught me a lot. But tell me about this General John A. Logan. Sounds familiar...but I missed a lot of my American History class in high school because I was getting high behind a shed in the teacher's parking lot.

Me: Who wasn't? John Alexander Logan had an impressive resume that would be sure to make him employable even in today's struggling economy: American soldier, political leader, served in the Mexican-American War, General in the Union Army in the American Civil War, served as the state of Illinois as a Senator, candidate for Vice President of the United States and proficient in Microsoft Office. Logan is one of only three individuals mentioned by name in the Illinois state song:

"On the record of thy years,
Abraham Lincoln's name appears,
Grant and Logan, and our tears,
Illinois, Illinois,
Grant and Logan, and our tears,
Illinois."

You: Jax, you have a lovely falsetto. So, what should I do today, Memorial Day?

Me: Good question, You. Many people observe this holiday by visiting cemeteries, memorials or flying the flag of the United States at half-staff. You can also commemorate by having a BBQ and reflect on the fallen by preparing meat with a marinade, basting sauce, or if you're feeling particularly patriotic, a spicy rub. .

You: Mmmm...I love rubs. Thanks Jax. You are so wise and awesome. I look forward to when you explain the real meaning behind Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

Day 295 - Sleep Singer? Guilty as Charged

2010-05-30T16:46:00.000-04:00

May 30th, 2010

I received an interesting piece of information this morning. According to my boyfriend, I was...oh you'll like this one... singing in my sleep. Joyfully.

This was actually pleasant news because I expected my thoughts (or songs) during my state of suspended sensory and motor activity would lead towards my darker subconscious memories or thought processes that I choose(by choice or involuntarily) not to promote during my waking hours. According to the guy, my melodic tones were rather jubilant, delightful and dare I say, whimsical.

I never understood the mass appeal of the show "Glee"...but maybe in my sleep...I do. Note to self.

Since I became cognizant that I was a slumber singer, I've been humming the Romantics' 1983 sensation, "Talking in Your Sleep". I'm now convinced that the range of sleep vocalization is far and wide and this billboard hit need be subject to a much deeper interpretation.

Let's dissect. Shall we?

"Talking in Your Sleep" - The Romantics

When you close your eyes and go to sleep
- Because you're drunk on well liquored Appletinis.
And it's down to the sound of a heartbeat
- A whale's heartbeat from the sleep sound machine that you bought on QVC for $59.95. $300 in shipping.
I can hear the things that you're dreaming about
- Animated kittens. And gourd vegetables. Really?
When you open up your heart and the truth comes out
- You spent your formative years being raised by orangutans. I didn't see that coming.

CHORUS:
You tell me that you want me
- And you want my douche investment banker friend, Brad
You tell me that you need me
- And you need Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? So you are down with the brown. Interesting.
You tell me that you love me
- You love my giant...W-2's.
And I know that I'm right
- Because I'm Type A and always right.
Cuz I hear it in the night
- Told by M. Night Shyamalan
I hear the secrets that you keep
- You can't fool me by talking in Dutch
When you're talking in your sleep
- I bring in a translator, Mbwana, when you break into Swahili

When I hold you in my arms at night
-Yes, I hold you in my prosthetic arms. I imagine that must be creepy for you. Freak mechanical bull accident.
Don't you know you're sleeping in a spotlight
- Literally...a spotlight. My friend is the lighting guy from "The Lion King". He hooks me up
And all your dreams that you keep inside
- He also is my go to when I need giant puppets and 7 minutes in heaven with Elton John.
You're telling me the secrets that you just can't hide
- Baby, tell me anything in your sleep. It's cool because it makes me less self conscious should I reveal that I lie about recycling.

REPEAT CHORUS

'Night night

Day 294 - Stay Strong Todd Bridges

2010-05-29T16:54:00.001-04:00

May 29th, 2010

Not only was "Diff'rent Strokes" the first of a series of sitcoms that I would watch on Saturday nights in the early 80's, it also pioneered the "I smell Emmy" premise that its evidently perfectly normal for wealthy Caucasians to adopt small statured African American boys. You know who you are Emmanuel Lewis.

Gary Coleman has crossed over to join the scores of child stars to make campy laugh-track-esque sitcoms in the sky. I expressed my take on this gone too soon child actor fad/fiasco on day 215's entry, "Minus a Corey" http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/03/day-215-minus-corey.html

Tragedy is so prevalent among the cast of "Diff'rent Strokes" that some have speculated that the sitcom could have been cursed. Does this mean that Phillip Drummond(Conrad Bain, now 87) and the original maid, Mrs Garrett( Charlotte Rae, now 84) should expect their demise to be the result of that pesky death by natural causes curse?

Mr. Coleman played the show's darling, Arnold Jackson, and became synonymous with the catch phrase "What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Todd Bridges(who played this misunderstood Willis) has had his own post "Diff'rent Strokes" life challenges. Some cocaine...some altercations...maybe he murdered a guy. But...of the three children residing in Mr. Drummond's penthouse, Bridges has now raised the bar high by simply being alive. He's 45.

He's doing something right(by having a heartbeat) and the world needs to know his wisdom, secrets and skin care rituals. I spoke to Bridges on the Harlem basketball court where Mr. Drummond pulled up in his limo, picked up(kidnapped) and took Arnold and Willis to his deluxe apartment in the sky.

My interview will be published in an online pamphlet, "What Was Willis talking About?" You can find it...online.

I don't want to give too much away from my sure to be bestselling pamphlet, but if you finally want to know who shot Kennedy, the cure for the common cold and why there really had to be a disturbingly creepy "very special episode" that guest starred Gordon Jump as a pedophile bicycle-shop owner, who attempted to sexually molest Arnold and Dudley....

...then let Willis tell you what he was talking about.

Day 293 - Lowbrow Memoirs

2010-05-28T13:40:00.002-04:00

May 28th, 2010

I'd like to pride myself in creating comedy that has a cerebral element. But in my effort to be truthful to my readers(and myself), it's only fair that I admit of my time when my humor skewed toward the spectrum of the lowbrow.

I was young. I needed the money. But didn't get any.

Luckily, my (real or perceived) matured wisdom has steered me away from material which conjures up the following:

- lacking in refinement
- uncultivated taste
- devoid of any intelligence
- sub-standard
- appealing to the absolute lowest common denominator

I've created my 365 day blog entry challenge as a home for ALL my work to live. Some place to call its own.

I'm a bit shamed to show these video vignettes to you...but I will step out of my comfort zone and invite you to view some footage of a time when I would have benefited from striving for material that wouldn't have threatened my sense of dignity.

Oh what a journey it's been.

On day 88, I revealed the following, " In 1999, Gia McGinley and I wrote a sketch called "Gynecology by Candlelight". The premise was based around Dr. Harold Finger, a gynecologist who uses a soothing touch and a gentle probe to give his patients the attention that they deserve. http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/2479/gynecology-by-candlelight-from-rash-behaviour

Don't judge me. To my face.

On day 69, my blog entry was my 2003 sketch, "Die Bitch Die!". This "gem" was a spin on (that "new" reality show)"American Idol". However, in my twisted version, the winner got to be put to death...on live television. The video has surfaced. Sigh... http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=12769899

I beg. Don't scold. FYI, you should be aware that the televised sketch comedy troupe, "The Whitest Kids You Know", just aired something so similar to my seven year old sketch that I should take the high road and let go of my high octane frustration. I have not.

Day 292 - Be the Man Your Mom Is

2010-05-27T16:43:00.001-04:00

May 27th, 2010

I was perusing Facebook status updates while procrastinating my task of generating a topic for day 292 of my " 365 Day Blog Entry Challenge of Cosmic Angst Through the Eyes of Comedic Insight".

Like a gift from a divine virtual entity, the status's started singing to me (in the form of Phil Collins, "Against All Odds"). Here's the line I heard. Repetitively. "So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space.."

I obviously interpreted their mention of an empty space as a direct metaphor to today's blog entry. Or lack thereof. These updates needed me to serve as a conduit that would secure their riveting messages into the blogosphere. Forever.

I obliged and below have explained why the following grabbed me the most. In the heart area:

"I would prefer to be at the beach in lieu of the office..."
- Using the word lieu gives a ( otherwise simplistic update) mystique and let's readers know that you have a strong command for complex words real good.

"'Sad, so sad, why cant we talk it over, always seems to me, that sorry seems to be the hardest word'....Elton John". Then this status updater adds, "Something for us married guys who sometimes shoot our mouths off and then hide behind our pride."
- Elton John lyrics really are the best way to make a public apology. Closely followed by Chicago's "Hard to Say I'm Sorry" and an Enya instrumental.

"This weekend Friday and Saturday, Savannah Georgia at the Hyatt Regency 8 pm, you in the area?"
- If I didn't know that this guy was a comedian, I would high five him for having the bravado to invite his entire online social network to his hotel to explore his "area".

"Sex In The City...tomorrow at 7:30pm Hollywood 20!! With me, Nicole and her friends from work, Veronica....anyone else want to join us??"
- No. No I would not. That is all.

"I'm totally addicted to the iPhone app "Second Opinion".
- As a user of a Blackberry, the Betamax of mobile internet devices, I just assume your second option would be in Spanish.

"Sarcasm (n.)-the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it"
- I find that people who are always sarcastic lack integrity and will never be the man their mother is.

"Nothing like a tantrum first thing in the morning..."
- Morning sex first thing in the morning. Nothing like that either.

"I'm not happy about being sick..."
- If you're home sulking in your illness, be grateful that mid afternoon is the time of day when there are an excessive amount of commercials that will answer your ongoing question, "Will there ever be a fiber-heavy yogurt that would keep middle aged women's digestive tracks in order?"

"Fun last night, but now...........I got nothing...."
- Stay strong young soldier. You got me. Actually, I'm waiting for the cable guy(he gave me a 467 hour window) and my day book tells me I'm booked with mindless endeavors through 2012. Then..I'm all yours.

"It's almost lunch O'clock. The 5 minute meeting I am in is taking 37 hours."
- 37 hours! Whaaaat? We all know there are only 25.3(repeating) hours in a day. I can explain this to you more later... at masturbate O'clock.

Day 291 - Waldo. You Slut

2010-05-26T19:13:00.003-04:00

May 26th, 2010

Today I was teaching a corporate comedy improv workshop at a space called Meet at the Apartment, a highly stylized open loft in Soho that is "fully engineered for creative thought to flourish." This trendy venue is equipped with leather couches, interesting art and unique nooks in great quantity. However, it was the ornate wallpaper(stenciled in fluorescent pink) that caught my client's attention. She remarked that within the pink lines were drawings of naked women. I looked at the wall, laughed and made some remark about how risque that was.

The truth is, readers, I couldn't make out the nude images that she was referring to. Admittedly, I have many strengths but being able to decipher images out of any type of jumbled blur is not one of them. When I get pregnant and see the sonogram, I am certain that I will utilize my mediocre acting skills and have some teary over the top reaction as I squeeze my husband's hand in blissful joy and pretend to see a developing mammal in a diagnostic medical image.

Perhaps my brain just stopped trying to find the obvious after Waldo...of "Where's Waldo" fame. And annoyance. I never had any interest in employing my brain to look for someone who was so committed to hiding from me. My instincts tell me that I am not alone in having little to no interest in the challenge of finding a hidden character in a red-and-white striped shirt, bobble hat and fashion backwards glasses.

Waldo, the jig is up. I know where you've been. I hired private animated investigators (in the form of my imaginary handlers in my head) and they revealed to me very telling glossy 8 X 10 black and white pictures that will tarnish your hard to find image.

Let me just say 2 things...Waldo...
- You should be ashamed
- You are a dick

Waldo has been spotted at the following:

- He was found at a Phish concert in Coventry, Vermont....dropping acid with a moose, an antelope and a reindeer.

- To make extra cash, Waldo was discovered on a suburban Pennsylvania street corner. Miming. For blind people.

- He was captured working on his 365 day blog entry challenge, "The Benefits of Littering".

- It turns out that Waldo has become a biker dick and finding great pleasure in running over kittens. (For more info on bike dick-ery...refer to day 285's entry, "Biker Dick. And Proud" - http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-285-biker-dick-and-proud.html_)

- He been judging wet t-shirt contests in Myrtle Beach.

- He's locked up in a high security prison for stabbing Flat Stanley. With a spork. (Who is Flat Stanley? Refer to Day 102 - http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-102-flat-stanley.html)

- At this very moment, Waldo is in surgery getting an animated penis enlargement.

Day 290 - I Am Me. Now Give Me Your Money

2010-05-25T16:51:00.001-04:00

May 25th, 2010

Last night I was at my preferred neighborhood French bistro, drinking a Stoli cranberry and enjoying the live soulful blues music of Lipbone Redding. Between sets, he was gallivanting around the restaurant seeing if patrons would be kind enough to contribute some American currency into his bucket. His asking style was like his music...efficient, gentle and personable. Three attributes(that, if I may, blow smoke up my ass) I feel that I possess.

Can I dare to dream that my lifetime will offer multiple opportunities for me to collect money for just being me? This ambitious endeavor will not be in the spirit of being a pauper or feeling worthy of a monetary reward after one of my shows.

In what is turning out to be the cockiest entry of my 365 day blog entry challenge, I commit to be presumptuous enough to assume that you will be inspired to give me money because I am, quite simply, fun to hang out with.

I imagine my quest would become a reality in the following scenarios:

- We meet up in a pool that is particularly chilly, I pee next to you in the water. Now you are warm...and grateful. You give me money.

- There is a long line at an unairconditioned ATM vestibule. I get naked. You pay me for my goods(not my services.)

- You and I decide to go to the cineplex and I talk at an excessive decibel level. The whole time. You come to terms that you are lucky to be with someone who provided such audible (even if wildly inaccurate) commentary. Who's appreciative? You are. Ching ching.

- I'm at confessional and the priest begs me (with a certified check) to shut up. Clearly because he is overwhelmed by my awesomeness.

- We are sitting next to each other on a plane. I go on incessantly about my lifelong battle with a series of contagious rashes. You feel blessed to be sitting next to such an open, honest and rash-alicious woman. You slip me a 20. In my cleavage.

- As luck would have it, I'm expelling bodily fluid next to you at a urinal. You are deeply touched that I taught you that women can, yes indeed, pee standing up. You insist on giving me your pension.

- You so enjoyed spending time with me in this blog for the last 3 minutes ( 5 if you're a slow reader.) At this very moment you're thinking, " If I had a nickel for everytime I wanted to pay Jax...I would have 5 cents."to pay Jax...I would have 5 cents."

Day 289 - LOST. Good Hustle

2010-05-24T17:42:00.000-04:00

May 24th, 2010

LOST. Series finale last night. Good night sweet prince.

This entry is not dedicated to hypothesizing the end of our time with those on (and off) a mysterious island. Although I will miss my imaginary friends. Hard. I'm cognizant that there were two opposing groups. Those of us who were obsessed with LOST and those of you that thought we were idiots for wasting six years(when we could have been expanding our minds by way of Celebrity Apprentice". )My intention with this 365 day blog entry challenge is to write for the people so I will attempt to reflect more universally.

For those of you who were not watching the last six years, one of the questions most fans inquired about was what happened to Walt, the only "child" on the island. From a puberty perspective, it was best to write this character off in a show involving time travel, flash backs, flash forwards and sex. In cages. However, I was rooting for a future sequence that would bring Walt back in the form of Michael Clarke Duncan.

The bittersweet finale delivered the answers to the big questions but disturbed some fans for choosing not to revisit the small ones. Perhaps viewers should (quite simply) get over it and have peace of mind without needing to be presented with a PowerPoint presentation (with a bad ass lightsaber-esque pointer) spelling out every detail of a series that totaled 121(and a half) hours.

LET GO.

Get it? Another Lost central theme. Yay me.

The show's tortured(yet ultimately redeemed) characters loved each other, tested each other and all remained sultrily steamin' hot without showers, hair product and Russian waxers. Together.

Whether we're a a faith man, a science man or an ass man...I would hope that we all have the capacity to find peace by the simple notion of not having to go through this journey alone.

I am certainly not a philosopher(for fear that my subpar equilibrium would result in my falling off a soapbox) but (gently) suggest that we not be a slave to all that is pragmatic, embrace faith and allow people to lift us from a place(in this existence. Or any existence) that is no longer serving us.

Namaste

Day 288 - Ask Jax - Part 14

2010-05-23T15:39:00.001-04:00

May 23rd, 2010

This is the 14th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Why do people modify their bodies? Clyde Henriques, Brooklyn, New York

Jax's Answer: You raise a good point Clyde Charles Henriques(and I adore that this inquiry comes from a man with more than a dozen tattoos on his arms, legs, toe and (yes) lip.) Bless your heart. Last night I overheard another male say to you, "You're a legitimate badass." That's the ultimate compliment coming from another individual with that testosterone stuff .This leads me to surmise that your modifications are working for you. Good hustle. In my case, my self alterations include simpler adjustments that include brushing my hair, painting my nails and waxing in sensitive regions that are so painful that I soothe myself with this phrase, "It hurts..that means it's working." In summation, I make the changes because I embrace that I'm not good enough the way I am.

Why do dogs sniff butts? - Female causation that doesn't want me to user her name- New York, New York

Jax's Answer - The common belief that the dog nose to butt union is a way of saying "hello" is a myth. A dog's affinity for the derrieres of fellow canines goes much deeper(into the two anal glands in their rectums, which emit a strong scent.) the potent(and delightful) tushy aroma they smell gives them detailed and vital information about the other dog.
It reveals the following:
- The sex
- The health status
- The temperament
- Do they prefer mauling tabby, alley or Persian cats?
- Paper or plastic?
- Yahtzee or Sudoku?
- Stoli or Kettle One?
- Are they capable of being part of the revolt against parasitic humans?
- Have they read "Animal Farm"?

Is there a heaven and when are we going bike riding? - Kat Theolyone, New York, New York

Jax's Answer - Heaven? Yes, there is one. Just type the following into your GPS - Heaven City Restaurant - S91 W27850 National Ave. Mukwonago, Wisconsin. I recommend taking your field trip to Heaven City on a Friday. It's Fried Fish night. Our biking date? Soon sweet Kat. Soon. I just a need a bit more time to perfect being a "Biker Dick. And Proud". http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/05/day-285-biker-dick-and-proud.html

Day 287 - After School. Not So Special

2010-05-22T18:11:00.000-04:00

May 22nd, 2010

Last night I was acting as a wing woman to my friend and ended up introducing her to the only semi-attractive man at the Brooklyn Inn. Good cheekbones. Soon into the conversation, the guy tells us that he's an actor and we probably recognize him from the 1988 after school special, "Date Rape".

He was proud. And I had a blog topic.

I did give the chiseled faced guy credit for having no shame in sharing (what i assume) is his only acting credit. He owned it. Just like the guy on the "Living with Genital Warts" poster.

it's unfortunate that he wasn't cast in multiple programs because I would have been among after school royalty had his resume included more not so memorable films with provocative and sensitive topics like:

- "My Dad Lives in a Downtown Hotel"

- "Me and My Hormones"

- "It Isn't Easy Being a Teenage Millionaire"

- "It's No Crush, I'm in Love"

- "Daddy Can't Read"

As a child, I would sit (on our yellow shag carpet) mildly mesmerized by these specials that were after school. They claimed to be crusading against all the controversial and social issues facing the yutes. Yet their mission backfired because kids are driven to experiment with mind altering substances and have unprotected sex to take the edge off of seeing a televised program with "Is this really fucking for real?" production value, acting and content.

After school special execs, Enough. I said enough! I think your product is lame. Kids think its lame. And your kids think its lame. If your income is based on cluttering the airwaves with this garbage..I say go all out. Some suggested titles you should be able to work with:

- "My Dad Lives in a Downtown Hotel. With Charo. From 'The Love Boat'."

- "Me and My Hormones. We're Buddy Cops"

- "It Isn't Easy Being a Teenage Millionaire. Or a Teenage Robot"

- "It's No Crush, I'm in Love. With a Possum"

- "Daddy Can't Read. But He Can Sew."

Day 286 - Three. Stay Strong

2010-05-21T20:00:00.005-04:00

May 21st, 2010

I was curious why bad things happen in 3's and my aunt, Ruth Kabat Thomas, explained, "It's a long story...it starts out with a priest, a rabbi and a hooker..."

Certain populations can argue that very good things can happen in 3's.

- Devout Christians seem to have an affinity for the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost.
- Sexually experimental people are probably in the Facebook group, "Fan of Threesomes".
- As far as I'm concerned, I find comfort in triplets. There's always the obligatory evil twin...but I've never crossed paths with an evil triplet.

According to Pythagoras, the Ionian Greek philosopher and founder of the religious movement called Pythagoreanism, 3 was the noblest of all digits.

Dare I say that three times is indeed a charm and "this odd" number between 2 and 4 isn't odd at all...just misunderstood.

- In mathematics, three is the first odd prime number.
- In science, genetic information is encoded in a triplet codon system.
- In television, the Brady's had 3 girls and 3 boys. In one bathroom.

Three, don't let other numbers bully you into thinking that you're lesser than. Just remember that every number has baggage:

1 - German singer Nena had only a one hit wonder song ..and it was weird. “99 Luft Balloons”

2 - Number two is code for the waste product from our digestive tract expelled through the anus. Enough said.

4 - There were Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the New Testament. My Christian friends tell me they were uncool.

5 - Number five is the atomic number for Boron, What the hell is Boron? That's right number three... not the sexiest of elements."

6 - The Six-Day War of June 5–10, 1967 was a war between Israel and the neighboring states of Egypt, Jordan, and Syria. Fun? I don't think so.

7 - Lucky number? Not if you were at Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941.

8 - Larry king ...eight marriages.

9 - There are nine Starbucks on my block.

10 - If you took American history, it's safe to assume that it did not end pretty for the "Ten Little Indians".

So three, if anyone jabs you with "bad things happen in threes" ...just remember that a lot of mediocre things happen in bulk.

Day 285- Biker Dick. And Proud

2010-05-20T23:18:00.000-04:00

May 20th, 2010

If a motorist and a pedestrian were to breed...their baby would be a bicyclist. I'm proud to announce that I have been birthed and inducted into the elite badass population of cyclists, the lovechild of machine and human.

My dear friend was kind enough to give me her 3 year old Trek Navigator 100 mountain bike and (if everything goes according to plan) my world will expand. And my ass will not.

Owning a bike in Brooklyn is an essential part of the borough fiber that is sure to up my status and secure my dream of becoming Brooklyn homecoming queen. It screams, "You know who's arrived? Jax has. On 2 wheels."

I know you're feeling bewildered and thinking, "But Jax! You always felt disdain toward bicyclists because they aggressively and pompously whisked by you...with uninvited sass." Yes, I was a skeptic until today when I was that aggressive pompous whisker...and was encompassed by heightened pleasure during every minute of it. I've never been happier.

In just a few hours, here's how I became a biker dick:

- I rode facing traffic in order to make eye contact with drivers and shoot them the finger.

- I weaved in and out of the streets to prove that I was agile, flexible and shitfaced.

- I rode into an intersection without obeying a stop sign. I got off my bike, put my arms in the air and yelled to the drivers, "Not only are you hurting the environment, you're hurting Al Gore!"

- I made a point to ride on the sidewalk. Easier to kick the strollers.

- When it got dark, I didn't turn on my high power LED lights.This effectively told pedestrians and motorist that they look better in the dark.

Day 284 - Nonchalant Observer -Installment #8– Six Flags Great Adventure

2010-05-19T22:16:00.019-04:00

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Today is my 8th installment of my “Nonchalant Observer” series. On day 22, I observed (judged) what crossed my path as I sat with my coffee on my Brooklyn stoop. On day 38, I took you with me to the happenings of beach life in the surfing town of Hermosa Beach, California. On day 112, we crossed the age gap and hit a retirement community. During happy hour. You came with me to my father and stepmother’s house for brunch in Westchester, New York on day 141 and you joined me as I was being shot in a piece for Current TV on day 205. On Day 210, you were part of my Grandma Harriet’s 90th birthday celebration in Charlotte, North Carolina. Day 263 was when I stood like a hooker with Marc Jacobs sunglasses and observed the environment on the corner of 49th and Madison in Manhattan.

Today a group of my friends collectively decided that it would be best to take a day off from our (real or alleged) jobs and partake in an excursion that would undoubtedly have a powerful influence over our minds, bodies and spirits: Six Flags Great Adventure.

You might be judging and thinking, "But Jax! Isn't it a bit juvenile for a group in their 30's a 40's (without kids) to spend a Wednesday at a 2200-acre park featuring awesome rides, an abundance of over sexed teens and $15 funnel cakes?" First, settle down. Then repeat (group coordinator)Paul Hale's mantra and you will...believe: "Roller coasters, no lines, beer, roller coasters, no lines, beer..."

I shall review some highlights. The following took place between 8:56am - 5:34 pm on today's adventure...that was indeed...great.

8:56-The group met up in front of a Dunkin' Donuts where Paul was waiting to transport us(via SUV) to the giant playground in central New Jersey. His title has now gone from group coordinator to group dad.

9:09 - The only person I didn't know in our family friendly vehicle was sitting next to me... Pete Schwinge. Nice guy. He has some investment job that I didn't understand and is getting his masters in Music Business at NYU. But what really intrigued me about my new friend was that he is a seasoned reviewer of Buffalo wings. That is right. Schwinge loves wings. http://wingsandthecity.wordpress.com/

10:27 - We arrived a few minutes before the park opened at 10:30 and Paul parked in the back of an empty parking lot so we would have a seamless exit at the end of the day. Oh dad....you're incorrigible(and pretty bad ass for taking 26 roller coaster rides in 8 hours. I don't care what mom says. I think you're tops.)

10:56 - We waste no time. We're doers. We do. Hard. We began the roller coaster-palooza with "seven monstrous loops, one corkscrew and two boomerang loops" on the Scream Machine. Adrenaline rushes ensue, teenagers eye us perplexed as to why elderly idiots are on their turf and I'm experiencing a tinge of nausea..but I ignore it like the first 20 viruses on my (now dead) computer.

11:16 - We immediately walk(skip) to El Toro..widely regarded as one of the world's best wooden roller coasters that provides massive amounts of that reassuring feeling of being lifted out of your seat (similar to being a passenger in my car at age 16.)

11:45 - The rest of the morning was roller coaster intensive as we frolicked among today's youth who were either skipping school or part of some Christian wrestling club. On the Runaway Train, the controller wouldn't start the ride until we lifted our hands and said choo choo. Hard ass.

12:15 - I promised to be honest in my 365 blog entry challenge. After a morning full of roller coaster goodness, I threw up. Actually, more of a dry heave. Immediately afterwards, I ate cheap Chinese food for lunch. Just the kinda girl I am.

12:47 - A Six Flags employee walked by holding a giant flat screen TV. I wonder if the prizes have gotten better.

1;29 - After lunch, Our destination was Kingda Ka, the tallest and fastest roller coaster in the world, The train is launched by a hydraulic launch mechanism to 128 miles per hour in 3.5 seconds and climbs(then falls from) 45 stories in the air. I said I had to draw the line and pass on this death machine.

1:31 - I didn't draw the line. I went on Kingda Ka. And who's a winner? I am.

2:07 - We go on the Superman upside down roller coaster that is supposed to give you the sensation of flying. It didn't. And I wanted to fly. High.

2:54 - Beer

3:27 - We went on Skull Mountain, an indoor "haunted" ride. I've said it once and I'll say it again. If you leave anything that claims to be haunted alive..then it's not scary enough. Plus there seemed to be some strobe light malfunction that pissed off a teenage girl who refused to get out of her seat until the problem was resolved. Sassy.

4:59 - I rode a few more roller coasters, peed a lot and arrived at the 11th(and final) ride, The Dark Knight. "It is an indoor ride with a pre-show, a pre-load station, Gotham City subway cars and Batman thematic elements in the ride. " One word: anticlimactic. To air our grievances, we're in the process of composing an open letter to the Department of Whatever.

5:34 - My mission was complete. I rode each of the 11 roller coasters. The guys in the group refused to leave the park after the embarrassingly sub par Dark Knight fiasco . In order to end this day of endurance with pride, they went back and rode the El Toro. Four times. Why? Because they have penises.

Day 283 - Kitty Kelley: An Unauthorized Biography

2010-05-18T13:35:00.019-04:00

May 18th, 2010

The Oprah is the newest unfortunate recipient of Kitty Kelley's latest unauthorized profile that contains sensationalized, inaccurate and unflattering personal anecdotes and details.

In a statement issued by Crown Publishing Group, Kelly said, "Oprah Winfrey has fascinated me for many years — as a woman, she has wielded an unprecedented amount of influence over the American culture and psyche."

"So of course I must destroy her." OK, this last part is an unauthorized quote. By me.

American investigative journalist and author of several best-selling unauthorized biographies of celebrities and politicians writes that Oprah used drugs, prostituted herself and alluded that she had a lesbian affair with Diane Sawyer.

Kitty Litter, any smidgen of credibility dissipates with this gay allegation. Anyone who reads the unauthorized biography blogs knows that if Oprah were wooed by the ways of the woman, Gayle would be the recipient of her lovin'.

A few questions for the soul of the 'time to get your roots done" lady who's penned mean spirited, unfavorable and discredited details about the lives of Jacqueline Onassis, the British Royal Family, Frank Sinatra, Nancy Reagan and the Bushes.

Why so viscous?
Why so unfounded?
Do you reveal flagrant and absurd falsehoods to destroy the images of public figures to desensitize yourself from your own poor life choices?

I had my team of imaginary assistants investigate why you utilize retaliatory, vengeful and hostile so-called journalism to strip the honor or people more successful than you.

According to a PowerPoint presentation exhibited to me (with a life saber pointer) by my delusions, I've become cognizant that you have galloped through life concealing your own stimulating personal matters. Up until now.

After the success of my novel, "Enough About Me. More About Me", I plan to commence my next literary project, "Kitty Kelley: An Unauthorized Biography".

Ms. Kelley, thank you. You have confirmed that my wallet will be filled and my ego will be fed once I publish the following:

- Your father was an alley cat.
- You were born without an anus.
- You've had multiple alleged affairs with community college sports mascots. Including "the Fighting Slug!"

Day 282 - Schadenfreude, Mudita or Indifference?

2010-05-17T14:57:00.008-04:00

May 17th, 2010

On day 158 of my 365 day blog challenge, I wrote an entry called “Jew, Not-a-Jew or Canadian?” I gave you scenarios and asked you which of these three categories the examples fell under.
http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-158-jew-not-jew-or-canadian.html. On Day 166, I brought to you another list to test your knowledge of 3 interchangeable people: Bill O’Reilly, Kanye West and Mother Teresa. http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-166-bill-oreilly-kanye-west-or.html. Determining if you were celebrating Passover, Easter or The Festival of Steve Guttenberg was where we journeyed on Day 235. http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html. And just because I was curious, on Day 243, I needed to know if you had the Fear of Failure, Abandonment or Zombies? http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-243-fear-of-failure-abandonment-or.html. Most recently, on day 253, I needed to know if you were suffering from penis panic, vagina fervor or Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-253-penis-panic-vagina-fervor-or.html.

Today, I am curious if you saunter through life with schadenfreude, mudita or indifference. Perhaps you're perplexed and thinking, "But Jax! I know the word indifference(not that I care)...but the other two words confuse me. In the head area." I shall explain child. The German word, schadenfreude, is pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others while the Buddhist concept of mudita is the happiness in another's good fortune.

In order to determine your disposition, see which of these scenarios you resonate with:

The woman that your spouse left you for is not only smokin't hot, but has a PhD in a word you can't pronounce. You are delighted when she ends up getting mauled by a kitten in a freak Humane Society accident. It was a Persian.

You were trapped in a well as a child and were forced to eat pennies. And your own feces. Your heart feels full when you learn that the fireman who saved your life won 10 million dollars(in quarters)while playing a slot machine in Atlantic City.

A mild acquaintance tells you that he ate Ziti al Forno at the Olive Garden last night. You shrug your shoulders, ask yourself, "When I'm there..am I really family?" and then shrug your shoulders again.

Your emotionally abusive boss had to have his nose removed after being bit by a hooker at a motel. With hourly rates.

Your child gets into Harvard. You cry tears of joy after all he endured from being born with a tail.

You're in line at the grocery store and see a picture of Matthew McConaughey shirtless on a tabloid again. You shrug your shoulders, ask yourself, "Is he gay?" and then shrug your shoulders again.

You hear that the bully who ruined your childhood overdosed on bran.

You've achieved great success in life and have always wanted the best for your best friend who lost his parents when they experimented with time travel. And succeeded. After persevering through this tragic loss, your friend has found great fortune, pride and purpose with the success of his business, "Machetes. For Tots."

Someone you mildly knew in high school writes a Facebook status update that says, "Thank God it's Friday!" You shrug your shoulders, ask yourself, "Did I sleep with her in high school?" and then shrug your shoulders again.